![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annierose on October 2, 2005, at 17:07:51
I've been struggling with longing, attachment and intimacy in therapy ... the usual. Part of the struggle for me is just talking about these issues with my T, the person I care so much about.
Here is the abbreviated conversation I had with my T on Friday (all sobs, silences and struggles were deleted!):
Me: I want to understand how will I be able to leave therapy one day, when I am so attached to you.
T: By doing what we are doing, talking about these feelings.
Me: I feel so selfish. That you give me so much and I cannot reciprocate. (pause) And I care so much about you and know nothing about you.
T: What do you want to know?
Me: (purposely avoiding answering that question) I know all the good things about you (referring to her kindness, patience, smarts, etc.)
T: I think you know a lot about me by coming here 3 times a week.
Me: (change topic) I was feeling really blue this week. Like I was a 4 year old preschooler holding herself together all day waiting for her mom to come and pick her up, and then falling completely apart when she comes.
T: How did that feel?
Me: Safe.
T: Safe? (pause) What do you mean by "falling apart"?
Me: I can finally relax and be myself, now everything will be okay. I'm understood.
T: So that's a good feeling!
Me: (long pause) But I don't get to see you everyday.
T: So you missed me (big smile). (pause) Earlier today you mentioned that you feel selfish in this relationship. And you have just given me the biggest gift a person can give another, the gift of their heart and soul. And I am sure you tried to give that same gift to your mother when you were that little girl, and she was not able to receive it. But I am.
Me: (heavy sigh)
I keep going over that session all weekend. I'm sure I missed certain things she said or conveyed. But I feel like I took a leap of faith
by comparing myself to that preschooler, and she handled it perfectly. I surprised myself when I replied "But I don't get to see you everyday." I told her it killed me to admit to that, she smiled.Just wanted to share that the gift of therapy is powerful.
Posted by rubenstein on October 2, 2005, at 17:15:01
In reply to The gifts of therapy, posted by Annierose on October 2, 2005, at 17:07:51
Thanks for your post
it really made me smile
and feel good today
thanks
rachel
Posted by daisym on October 2, 2005, at 17:18:24
In reply to The gifts of therapy, posted by Annierose on October 2, 2005, at 17:07:51
Thank you for sharing. You did take a leap of faith and I'm so glad she caught you! :)
I typically have this conversation on Thursdays:
me: I hate thursdays.
him: I know. It is a long time until Monday.
me: It is only three days! It shouldn't be this hard.
him: but that is a long time in psychological time. Hours go fast, days go slow. Why does it feel so hard to leave today?
me: I don't know. I feel like I just got here.
him: maybe because we've reconnected you think it might break again? You can call me...
me: I know. But...it makes me miss you more. How can that make sense?
him: Because it does. It is how you feel. And that's OK.I like when they get it. It does feel like a gift.
Posted by Tamar on October 2, 2005, at 18:02:21
In reply to The gifts of therapy, posted by Annierose on October 2, 2005, at 17:07:51
> I've been struggling with longing, attachment and intimacy in therapy ... the usual. Part of the struggle for me is just talking about these issues with my T, the person I care so much about.
It’s so hard to talk about that stuff. I never managed to do it. Good for you, that you had the courage. And it sounds like she handled it really well. She sounds great!
Thanks for sharing. It made me happy to read it.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on October 2, 2005, at 20:36:08
In reply to The gifts of therapy, posted by Annierose on October 2, 2005, at 17:07:51
That was beautiful, Annierose.
Posted by daisym on October 2, 2005, at 22:26:43
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2005, at 20:36:08
Posted by 10derHeart on October 2, 2005, at 22:50:57
In reply to nice to see you! (nm) » Dinah, posted by daisym on October 2, 2005, at 22:26:43
Posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 6:43:09
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy, posted by rubenstein on October 2, 2005, at 17:15:01
Thanks for reading. I hope you continue to feel better in the upcoming weeks too. I'm glad it made you smile.
Sometimes I worry I can't carry the momentum forward. My T tells me not to force things, just relax (like that's a possibility) and let things flow. We'll see how today's session goes.
Posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 6:47:34
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy » Annierose, posted by daisym on October 2, 2005, at 17:18:24
Was this weekend as difficult as you'd imagined? You sound better.
Aren't you glad the T you found was psychodynamic? I'm glad I have someone I can work on these really hard issues. It must be hard on them, to be the focus of their client's emotional lives.
I'm glad she caught me too. I was thinking of what I wrote to you when I brought up the preschooler during the session. It's funny when babble comes into the therapy room.
Posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 6:53:31
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy » Annierose, posted by Tamar on October 2, 2005, at 18:02:21
Tamar -
Thanks for replying. I keep re-reading your babblemail, you have so many insights and it all makes sense.
I know you can do this sort of work! You think about all this stuff, on so many levels. I wish your T wasn't a short-term type of therapist. Sometimes they are willing to take on a long-term client (like Dinah's).
Yes, I like my T very much. And my husband is acknowledging how much happier I am now that working with her again. He understands the bigger picture too: happy wife = happy family.
Posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 6:56:38
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy, posted by Dinah on October 2, 2005, at 20:36:08
Dinah -
My heart is breaking for you. Please call or write if you need a listening ear. I know how hard this is and how much harder it may get. Your babble friends are here for you and we all want to help.
If you have the strength, let us know about Huntsville, where are you with that decision?
Posted by fairywings on October 3, 2005, at 10:17:51
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy » rubenstein, posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 6:43:09
That was really beautiful annie! How long have you been doing therapy? How in the world do you have the ability to be so incredibly open with your feelings? That's the true gift, you are so open with HER, and her gift to you is receiving it so graciously. How did you come to do therapy 3 times a week? Was that a mutual decision?
fw
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2005, at 15:12:11
In reply to Ditto from me! (nm), posted by 10derHeart on October 2, 2005, at 22:50:57
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2005, at 15:14:04
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy » Dinah, posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 6:56:38
Thanks Annierose. I'm going to post below about my therapy appt today.
Posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 15:54:47
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy » Annierose, posted by fairywings on October 3, 2005, at 10:17:51
Hi FW -
My relationship with this therapist goes back to 1983 when I first began seeing her after I graduated from college. She was a new T, just out of school, still working on her Ph.D. I saw her back then for, I think, about 5 years, twice a week. I quit mid-session, after she awkwardly disclosed she was pregnant. I never spoke to her again (although I think she called once to try to talk about why I walked out & schedule one more appt).
Obviously we had a history, and I always felt fondly towards her. My life moved on, I got divorced, opened my own business, re-married, had children ... blah, blah, blah. Around 3 years ago, my husband and I were experiencing multiple stressors: his job situation was shakey, his father had a brain tumor, then kidney tumor, my accountant for my business made some mistakes, and worse of all, my oldest child at the time was experiencing depression. I wanted to get professional help throughout the year, but didn't want to start the process all over again. I had seen 2 other therapists since, but it wasn't the same.
Anyway, that Christmas (2003), I had sent my previous T a Holiday card. I didn't write anything in the card, just sent it. She wrote back a very short note, wishing me well. I flipped out. I didn't know what I was feeling, or what I wanted to do with the feelings, so after a month, I called to make an appointment. We started with once a week, but I kept adding second sessions all the time. Then by Fall (of last year) I asked if I could come three times a week. So to finally answer your question, I just asked. Knowing she was psychodynamic in theory, I was comfortable with asking (i.e. the more you come, the more you get out of it).
To answer how am I able to be so open? ... I owe a great deal of my openness to Babble ... so many posters helped give me the courage to just say what I really want to say (although I fall short all the time too). Dinah, GG, Daisy, Pfinstegg, Fallsfall, Tamar (I'm sure I'm leaving people out) their stories, their relationship with their T's, are such a source of inspiration. Plus, I am fairly open by nature. I'm not shy. But it's quite different to be so vulnerable in therapy.
Anyway, after almost 2 years working with my very first T again, I am doing so much better. My T has more experience in being a T, and I have more maturity.
Didn't think my reply would get so long. Thanks for asking and reading!!
Posted by Poet on October 3, 2005, at 21:32:32
In reply to The gifts of therapy, posted by Annierose on October 2, 2005, at 17:07:51
Hi Annierose,
I'm struggling with allowing attachment to my T. I hope I can get to a point where I admit to myself how much I do need her. I just can't get the I need to do this alone feeling out of me.
Your T seemed to completely understand little you and adult you. You did giver her the gift of your heart and soul- that's a fantastic gift.
Thanks for sharing.
Poet
Posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 21:54:14
In reply to Re: The gifts of therapy » Annierose, posted by Poet on October 3, 2005, at 21:32:32
Poet -
I do know that feeling, needing to be completely independent, to a fault. I think losing my T years ago, and never working out that sudden termination (by walking out), I knew I now had a second chance to really work hard at this therapy stuff this time around. I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. She had held a special place in my heart all those years inbetween.By reading other babblers stories, I trusted the therapy process more. Others had expressed attachment, need, etc to their T's and the T didn't freak out, run away .... that helped give me the courage to try to let her in my heart a little at a time. I still hold things back. And I need to keep asking myself "why won't you let the words come out?". Eventually, I may get there.
Try with baby steps (oh no, is that the line from "What's the Matter with Bob?").
Good to see you again,
Annie
Posted by fairywings on October 3, 2005, at 22:59:02
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know .... » fairywings, posted by Annierose on October 3, 2005, at 15:54:47
> I quit mid-session, after she awkwardly disclosed she was pregnant. I never spoke to her again (although I think she called once to try to talk about why I walked out & schedule one more appt).
Very interesting. Did you ever figure out what it was that made you quit so abruptly? did the two of you go back and work that out?
>
>Wow you went through SO much! Did your husband or child get therapy?
>
> Anyway, that Christmas (2003), I had sent my previous T a Holiday card. I didn't write anything in the card, just sent it. She wrote back a very short note, wishing me well. I flipped out. I didn't know what I was feeling, or what I wanted to do with the feelings, so after a month, I called to make an appointment.That was really brave. It's great that you took advantage of her response and recognized your feelings and went with them and called her. You're very in touch, that's good.
>> We started with once a week, but I kept adding second sessions all the time. Then by Fall (of last year) I asked if I could come three times a week. So to finally answer your question, I just asked. Knowing she was psychodynamic in theory, I was comfortable with asking (i.e. the more you come, the more you get out of it).
So, how do you know if someone is psychodynamic? I asked my T what kind of therapy he practiced and he just said basically he used a corrective emotional experience. He said it in a more round about way, but ....
I think it's great that so many people are able to go more than once a week. I feel like I'm crawling along at a snail's pace, and it will take me forever! It ever! To get anywhere, and it the meantime things keep coming up.>
> To answer how am I able to be so open? ... I owe a great deal of my openness to Babble ... so many posters helped give me the courage to just say what I really want to say (although I fall short all the time too). Dinah, GG, Daisy, Pfinstegg, Fallsfall, Tamar (I'm sure I'm leaving people out) their stories, their relationship with their T's, are such a source of inspiration. Plus, I am fairly open by nature. I'm not shy. But it's quite different to be so vulnerable in therapy.That's awesome, and I agree, it does help to know that other ppl are out there with the same feelings, having the same things go on, and that T's are okay with the feelings, and it's okay to express them.
>
>
>
> Didn't think my reply would get so long. Thanks for asking and reading!!I fully appreciate every word! Thank you a million times over for your thoughtful reply!
fw
Posted by Annierose on October 4, 2005, at 7:37:37
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know ...., posted by fairywings on October 3, 2005, at 22:59:02
Hi again -
Yes, we have talked about the reasons why I quit mid-session, but I wouldn't say we resolved them. Maybe we agreed that we see it differently. But she did own up to her own part in the awkward, "I think you know something about me that you are not sharing." Which was her way of telling me she was pregnant, because I had NO clue, and just guessed and BINGO, she was. And she did admit she was probably feeling quite large, but hoped next time I could stay and talk about my anger. I let her know I have grown up a bit, am more mature than 15 years ago. She replied that she is a more experienced therapist too. And I bring up our past work all the time. She surprisingly remembers a lot from that time. She was with a group practice before, and doesn't have access to those records. Now she has her own solo practice ... much nicer too.
I guess I knew she was psychodynamic because she shared that with me the first time I saw her. I asked a lot of questions, "why do you want to see me more than once a week?" "How come I've been here so long?" I'm not sure what type of therapist your T is. Some T's are just trained for short term cognitive type of work. Psychodynamic T's believe that current struggles almost always goes back to some dsyfunction/conflict in your earlier childhood. Going more often allows one to start talking about this inner child stuff. With less life inbetween sessions, our brains will start talking about the really hard stuff, instead of what happened during the week.
My daughter did get help. It was such an intense battle to physically get her there (and she was only 9 years old at the time). But the difference 3 years later is nothing short of a miracle (and the result of continuing the hard work in therapy). She is in middle school now and is so happy and together. Getting her help at such a young age will help her well into adulthood. Both my doctor and my daughter's think that she will be a therapist one day.
My husband's company did fold into thin air, but he was quickly recruited into another firm. My father-in-law had his kidney removed, but the tumor in his brain remains. The surgery is too risky (if not impossible) and it's growing (so far) at a very slow pace. His doctor believes he will die of another cause before this tumor affects his life.
Writing all of this, it's so great to see the progress we have made as a family. Trust me, we still have issues, but compared to that terrible year, when everything was falling apart, our lives are coming together once again.
How long have you been seeing your T?
Posted by gardenergirl on October 4, 2005, at 11:24:57
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know .... » fairywings, posted by Annierose on October 4, 2005, at 7:37:37
I'm so late to this thread, but I wanted to thank you for sharing this experience with us. Definitely made me smile.
gg
Posted by fairywings on October 4, 2005, at 13:24:24
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know .... » fairywings, posted by Annierose on October 4, 2005, at 7:37:37
Hi Annie,
It's amazing how many parallels we have in our lives.
Our daughter got counseling also at age 9 or 10, I don't remember exactly now, after sufering PTSD from being in a tornado and a very bad relationship with another child. It was too late b4 I realized what was going on. Actually I didn't even realize what was going on, my other daughter brought it to my attention, and I still feel guilty all these 5 or 6 years later. If it had gone on any longer who knows what would have happened, but she's now doing so well, AND she also thinks she'd like to be a T! ; )
My father in law had colon cancer, and then kidney cancer, he also had his kidney removed. That was about 12 years ago, and he's doing so well. Unbelieveable how resilent ppl can be.
My T must be psychodynamic. I've been seeing him only for about 6 weeks now, I think. (I switched after being with another T for 8 weeks. The ex T was CBT, kind of abrasive, and ppl on the boards kept telling me to quit, but I wouldn't listen! ; )) My new T is so very nice, very caring, very accepting. He has said that he believes that past abuses have created a lot of the struggles I have today - a lot of the physical problems too - terrible migraines, etc... He pushed the inner child thing until it started causing me problems, which I talked about on earlier threads. He's since dropped it because of that. I know I have a long way to go, and I'm sure he's not trying to get me out of there in 12 weeks, a year, or any set time table.
I hope your husband was able to put things back together and get another job. I know how difficult that can be for everyone. I'm glad that you have come such a long way and were all able to make so much progress. Feels good doesn't it?
fw
Posted by Annierose on October 4, 2005, at 14:51:50
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know .... » Annierose, posted by gardenergirl on October 4, 2005, at 11:24:57
I miss reading your threads/posts/comments. I figure you must be working really hard at school and at the clinic and spending time with your husband. Do you ever feel like the man at the circus that keeps those plates spinning on sticks, having to tend to them constantly, or they fall down? I do.
I know you are working on similar issues. Are you liking the 2x per week set-up?
Is is crazy hot today (like 85 degrees?)? We are in the midwest, aren't we?
Posted by Annierose on October 4, 2005, at 16:00:24
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know .... » Annierose, posted by fairywings on October 4, 2005, at 13:24:24
FW-
You just started this journey with your T ... six weeks is no time at all. So be patient. I can imagine myself still working for another year or two. It's definitely a slow process. Do you want to see him 2x per week? Have you asked?
Posted by fairywings on October 4, 2005, at 21:06:59
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know .... » fairywings, posted by Annierose on October 4, 2005, at 16:00:24
> FW-
> You just started this journey with your T ... six weeks is no time at all. So be patient. I can imagine myself still working for another year or two. It's definitely a slow process. Do you want to see him 2x per week? Have you asked?Hi Annie,
I haven't asked, and it hasn't come up. I see him Th. and I was hoping for a good appt this week, but I just got a call from my doctor's office a few hours ago, and got some really bad health news. I am really depressed about it. I don't even want to tell him about it. I feel like such a freak.
fw
Posted by Annierose on October 5, 2005, at 8:46:41
In reply to Re: Answers ... more than you wanted to know .... » Annierose, posted by fairywings on October 4, 2005, at 21:06:59
Do you want to tell me?
Sometimes telling someone else first makes it easier everytime thereafter ....
Sharing your bad health news with your doctor may help you feel closer to him. He'd be the perfect person to hear it and help you with your feelings.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.