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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
Right now I hate Him!! Every mon, wed, sat I spend time with my T, it is our schedule. Mon night when he left my house he said he had clients late on wed but that he would call me and come over even if it was just for a few minutes. He didnt call, and he didnt come over. I waited, scared, sad, lonely... watching the clock. Eventually around 1030p I drove by his office and he was gone. How could he do that to me??? He knows my issues, especially my abandonment issues, more than anyone. He has to have known that I was waiting and wondering, feeling crappy. Would it have been to damn hard for him to have called???? I hate that he know everything about me, it gives him alot of power. He has all the power, when or if I see him, when it will end (i cant walk away), how long he could stay... When our affair first began he told me that one day I would hate him, resent him for crossing the line. Right now I do hate him. I MISS MY THERAPIST, now that our relationship is personal, I have no one to talk to. I feel creepy talking to him about my problems. I cant be his lover and his patient at the same time. I need someone to talk to and he is the only one who really knows me inside and out. I miss our talks. Everything is about sex and then he goes home. He asked me the other night if I was in pain, I lied. He acknowledged that I dont tell him things anymore or that when he asks me things that hes not sure if I would tell him the truth. I just feel funny about having sex and then laying together talking about my problems. To talk about my problems would turn him into my T and I feel wrong being intimate with him then. Oh, so many days I wish we had never gone down this road. As much as it hurt to not have him fully before and to want him, sometimes I think it would have been best to not know. I missed my appt with the new T. I was scared. We rescheduled for next week. It is so draining starting over and having to tell your whole story again so someone can understand you. Im lazy. I cant express anger to him next time I see him for hurting me. If i get all worked up... where were you, why didnt you call... I sound like a nagging wife, he doesnt need another one. Besides, if he gets angry he might back off. I hate not having any control. See, T's are human. They have the power to be sellfish, to hurt, to lie, to manipulate. My anger and resentment is festering, it has been. Every time he leaves me behind to go home, it tears my heart up, I feel cheap sometimes. I do love him so and I know he loves me but.... love is a double edged sword. To top things off, b/c of the nature of the relationship, I have no one to talk to face to face, about how I feel. Looking forward, I really do feel that when this is over that I will hate him and be damaged... I know. I cry more now (about him) than I ever did in therapy. I want what I cant have. I get strung along in order to try and get my needs met (only he can do this right now). Its realyy wierd arguing with your T on a personal level, or being angry, upset... at you T for things you shouldnt have to. DONT MAKE MY MISTAKE! Im beginning to really realize that what he did was wrong. Never thought I would say that. I have a feeling things will get messy and I will end up hating him forever. He is the puppeteer... my strings are wearing thin.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 18, 2005, at 19:32:57
In reply to *crushed*, posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
I'm so sorry, Jadah. It's not your fault, in any way whatsoever. You are expressing so eloquently why therapists should be responsible for maintaining boundaries- no matter what powerful feelings get stirred up in therapy. From what my analyst has told me, good therapy needs intense feelings of every kind, with the safety that they are not acted upon. You do have a new therapist now, don't you? Do you have the feeling that you can heal from this with her? I do hope so.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 18, 2005, at 23:37:35
In reply to *crushed*, posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
((((Jadah))))
Yes, I think you are coming to see exactly why it is considered unethical for therapists to get involved with their clients.
But that doesn't help you now.
I'm so sorry :-(You talked a bit before about trying to find a new t.
Can you do that (if you haven't already)???
Really.
I really do think...
That you need to worry about you.
There are the mental health issues that led to to seek therapy in the first place
And the physical health issues that have transpired
And then there are the issues around this whole situationI know its hard...
But the only way you can regain power and self-respect is to stop seeing him
:-(
But then I really do understand something of just how hard that can be in practice
And its certainly not going to happen when you don't have another clinician to talk to
Why is it that sometimes
What we know we should do
And what we do do
Can be so radically opposed?
Rationally I know what should be done
But I've been in a similar position before
And if the situation arose
I could imagine being there again
And I don't know what I would do.Please can you find another clinician???
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 23:49:29
In reply to *crushed*, posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
So you are continuing to see your new therapist? I'm glad. It's not lazy to not want to start over again in explaining yourself and your life. I think that's pretty common. But a fresh viewpoint might make it worth the hard work. We've heard a lot of stories where it was.
Obviously you can't see your old therapist as your therapist. He doesn't play that role in your life anymore. (And I certainly hope you aren't paying him.) If you need someone to talk to therapeutically, it *can't* be him. He's your lover, not your therapist.
He's been lying to his wife about what he's doing with his time for a while now. I'm sorry he's started lying to you as well. Especially at a time when you need his support so badly.
I'm sorry you're being hurt, and I'm sorry he didn't live up to his obligations to you to keep up the boundaries. (Not to mention his obligations to his other clients, his profession, and his marriage.)
I wish there were an easy solution. Or one that would cause you little pain.
I wish there was something I could say or do that would help, but I'm at a total loss.
Posted by kerria on August 19, 2005, at 1:02:52
In reply to Re: *crushed* » jadah, posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 23:49:29
((((((((((((Jadah))))))))))))
always remember it's not your fault. i hope that your new T can be supportive enough and proactive in helping you become free.
i'm so sorry that this happened to you- you didn't deserve for your previous T to use the power he had to take advantage of you and you shouldn't have to be in this terrible pain.
There are support sites on the web for people in your position. i can only imagine the confusion, difficulty and pain you're in because of him. i'm so sorry.Please take care,
kerria
Posted by Joslynn on August 19, 2005, at 11:39:00
In reply to *crushed*, posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
To just get these feelings out somewhere where you don't have to worry about confidentiality, could you try a 12-step support group, such as AlAnon (do you have alcoholism in your background? many of us do) or CoDependents Anonymous. You can just say whatever you want, people are not supposed to give feedback, and no one will have an obligation to report him, so it would be an anonymous way to vent.
Just a thought.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 19, 2005, at 14:46:50
In reply to *crushed*, posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
Jadah,
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. This is a lesson however in that Ts really are human. But as many have stated, know that this is in no way your fault. You do not have to continue to punish yourself for his indiscretions and total lack of professionalism.
You say he loves you. Honestly, I find that hard to believe. If he did truly love you, he would never have put you in this painful and sometimes humiliting position.
I don't mean to sound cruel, honestly. Just want you to see that perhaps he doesn't have your best interest at heart. And you don't have to stand for that.
Posted by jadah on August 19, 2005, at 16:04:25
In reply to *crushed*, posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
Thank you all for the validation and support. I just got home from the hospital with more bad news. On top of everything I have to worry about and am just in such financial ruin... Im in a hole and I just cant seem... I am so emotionally drained and I just cant cry anymore. Dont/cant talk right now everythings just too overwhelming, but thanks guys. You all, this place, is the only thing in my life that is stable right now, the only thing consistent.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 19, 2005, at 16:31:37
In reply to Re:cant..., posted by jadah on August 19, 2005, at 16:04:25
Oh, Jadah, this sounds like it was about the worst day ever. I know that you have a lot of people really caring about you, and keeping you in their minds- certainly me.
I haven't faced as terrible a situation as yours, but in my worst moments, I try to line up, mentally, the good things in my life, and think about how I might use them more fruitfully. What comes first to mind is your new therapist. Is she caring and "containing"? Despite money problems, is there a way to see her more frequently and deepen your attachment and sense of support? You obviously have a lot of personal appeal and attractiveness in your favor, as well as a lot of mental healthiness, so forming a secure attachment is well within your capability, and it does seem as though that might help you regain your sense of comfort, and your ability to deal constructively with the terribly hard IRL things you are faced with-your illness, and the destructive boundary crossing which your ex-T allowed himself (I know there were wonderful times, but there is also excruciating loss and disillusionment.)
Posted by Damos on August 19, 2005, at 17:06:32
In reply to Re:cant..., posted by jadah on August 19, 2005, at 16:04:25
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2005, at 11:46:26
In reply to Re:cant..., posted by jadah on August 19, 2005, at 16:04:25
Sweetheart, honey you sound Terrible... please let us help. I notice you don't have any link to any of us outside the board.. do you? Didn't we once have a link? We did and I don't know where it is, who you are, anymore, and I want to, please e-mail me!!! Please, sweetie, let's talk with each other. Please trust me with the phone, there's so much good stuff to say.
Posted by jadah on August 23, 2005, at 16:30:32
In reply to JADAH, posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2005, at 11:46:26
oh, i would so love to talk to you!!! Where are you from? Im in illinois, no matter though, the phone lines are always open. I hope you are doing well. things are up and down but I am still rather positive despite my momentary melt down the other day when i posted. Lets talk. What is your email so i could give you my #. I could call you, its no problem. Youve been a great friend. Can never do the psychobabble it never lets my message go through.
Posted by jadah on August 23, 2005, at 16:33:15
In reply to Jadah, posted by Pfinstegg on August 19, 2005, at 16:31:37
youre a great friend, I always look forward to hearing from you. Can I get in touch with you through email? Maybe phone so we could chat? I dont know how to do the psychobabble or anything, could never send my messages. Dont know how to get ppls info either. Does that sound ok to you? How are you doing? I hope all is well for you!
Posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 2:01:56
In reply to Re: for susan, posted by jadah on August 23, 2005, at 16:30:32
You have to sign up for babblemail before you can send any. Put out a post asking for help and ye shall receive.. find out how to babble and I'll give you more info there, we can talk on my number.
Posted by Pfinstegg on August 27, 2005, at 15:01:45
In reply to Re: pfinstegg, posted by jadah on August 23, 2005, at 16:33:15
Hi. I try to keep communications just on the board, as I work full-time, and also have a 6-year old at home. And, not to mention the daily analyst visits! I have learned so much from all these boards, and being connected to people here, like you, means a lot. But I just don't have the time or privacy for any more personal communications. I can't do it while I'm working, and my son is crawling all over me, our telephone and my computer at home. Please don't take that personally, as I always love to hear from you here, and would feel very sad if I didn't.
This is the end of the thread.
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