Posted by jadah on August 18, 2005, at 18:14:15
Right now I hate Him!! Every mon, wed, sat I spend time with my T, it is our schedule. Mon night when he left my house he said he had clients late on wed but that he would call me and come over even if it was just for a few minutes. He didnt call, and he didnt come over. I waited, scared, sad, lonely... watching the clock. Eventually around 1030p I drove by his office and he was gone. How could he do that to me??? He knows my issues, especially my abandonment issues, more than anyone. He has to have known that I was waiting and wondering, feeling crappy. Would it have been to damn hard for him to have called???? I hate that he know everything about me, it gives him alot of power. He has all the power, when or if I see him, when it will end (i cant walk away), how long he could stay... When our affair first began he told me that one day I would hate him, resent him for crossing the line. Right now I do hate him. I MISS MY THERAPIST, now that our relationship is personal, I have no one to talk to. I feel creepy talking to him about my problems. I cant be his lover and his patient at the same time. I need someone to talk to and he is the only one who really knows me inside and out. I miss our talks. Everything is about sex and then he goes home. He asked me the other night if I was in pain, I lied. He acknowledged that I dont tell him things anymore or that when he asks me things that hes not sure if I would tell him the truth. I just feel funny about having sex and then laying together talking about my problems. To talk about my problems would turn him into my T and I feel wrong being intimate with him then. Oh, so many days I wish we had never gone down this road. As much as it hurt to not have him fully before and to want him, sometimes I think it would have been best to not know. I missed my appt with the new T. I was scared. We rescheduled for next week. It is so draining starting over and having to tell your whole story again so someone can understand you. Im lazy. I cant express anger to him next time I see him for hurting me. If i get all worked up... where were you, why didnt you call... I sound like a nagging wife, he doesnt need another one. Besides, if he gets angry he might back off. I hate not having any control. See, T's are human. They have the power to be sellfish, to hurt, to lie, to manipulate. My anger and resentment is festering, it has been. Every time he leaves me behind to go home, it tears my heart up, I feel cheap sometimes. I do love him so and I know he loves me but.... love is a double edged sword. To top things off, b/c of the nature of the relationship, I have no one to talk to face to face, about how I feel. Looking forward, I really do feel that when this is over that I will hate him and be damaged... I know. I cry more now (about him) than I ever did in therapy. I want what I cant have. I get strung along in order to try and get my needs met (only he can do this right now). Its realyy wierd arguing with your T on a personal level, or being angry, upset... at you T for things you shouldnt have to. DONT MAKE MY MISTAKE! Im beginning to really realize that what he did was wrong. Never thought I would say that. I have a feeling things will get messy and I will end up hating him forever. He is the puppeteer... my strings are wearing thin.
poster:jadah
thread:543590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/543590.html