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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:48:34
OK, Adia. For you, a new post.
I'm getting really attached to everyone here, and I shared my history in the above post with the same name. Would anyone care to do likewise? I'm so glad for everyone here.
Love, Hannah
Posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:54:45
In reply to Histories, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:48:34
Oh, sorry. I guess my thread originated way up under the Transference in Therapy post (or whatever it's called.)
Posted by Adia on October 9, 2003, at 23:19:14
In reply to Histories, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:48:34
Dear Hannah,
ohhh now I feel silly for asking you to start a different thread...
thank you! i just thought that it would be lost in the other thread...but i feel so silly now for asking you to start a new thread.
sorry!
Thank you for sharing...It feels nice to get to know everyone a little better..and to feel closer..
Thanks for sharing, I guess now I have already shared a bit in reply to your other post and I never know how much to share and I always fear that it will make people not like me...
so I am not quite sure of what to say..
I was abused as a child and as a teenager and my mother chose not to protect me, I grew up to be very scared, insecure, feeling undeserving of love, fearing the world, feeling hopeless inside, worthless and very dirty and without control. I learnt to hide my feelings. As an adult I've been trying to finally ask for help and learn to trust and believe that there is hope. I am trying to learn to trust other people and to open my heart...I love being able to reach out to other people and feel closer emotionally..
Sending you love and thanks for sharing ..
Adia.> OK, Adia. For you, a new post.
>
> I'm getting really attached to everyone here, and I shared my history in the above post with the same name. Would anyone care to do likewise? I'm so glad for everyone here.
>
> Love, Hannah
Posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 23:48:23
In reply to Re: Histories » HannahW, posted by Adia on October 9, 2003, at 23:19:14
Posted by Poet on October 10, 2003, at 12:08:57
In reply to Histories, posted by HannahW on October 9, 2003, at 22:48:34
My therapist does not believe in labels, but if I were to label myself I have dysthymic depression (low level depression that hangs on for long periods,) social anxiety and a history of bulimia.
I was a painfully shy girl whose parents were so busy fighting that they ignored my older brother verbally tormenting me. Not to mention chasing after me with knives or trying to run me over with his car. If I were to label my brother I would say borderline psychotic.
My depression started when I was in my late teens.
I felt less depressed when I ate comfort food. By age 20 I was stuffing myself and gaining weight. I started out by exercising and fasting, before I started purging. Keep in mind this was before those made for TV movies about eating disorders. Karen Carpenter was still alive...By the time I was 30, I managed to get my bulimia under control (I am a control freak). I still binge and purge but it's usually triggered by something emotionally painful, like being rejected for a job. If I don't binge, I self medicate with wine.
I have been turned down for 20 jobs in the last year. I have been stuck in a brainless job for four years. I want to be liked, I want to feel loved and needed. I know that I need to find this self worth and love within myself and it won't come from a job. This is why I am in therapy.
Poet
Posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 15:53:03
In reply to Re: Histories » HannahW, posted by Poet on October 10, 2003, at 12:08:57
Hi! I am new here, kinda. I have been reading for months but just started posting a couple days ago. I grew up with a mother who tried to commit suicide for my father as a birthday present and threatened every other day. My father, who I love and adore, sexually abused me. I have the ability to fall in love with anyone. I get crushes on older men who are in an authority figure role. I see them as my father. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive personaliyty disorder, and mild borderline personality disorder. I have a doggie which I love greatly and an old man whom I also love. Thanks for listening and I would like to read some other stories. Oh, and I am in love with my shrink!! He he!
Posted by HannahW on October 10, 2003, at 18:46:47
In reply to Re: Histories » HannahW, posted by Poet on October 10, 2003, at 12:08:57
I do that self-medicating thing with wine too. In fact, I got pretty toasted last night, and I don't even know why. Maybe stirring up my childhood torment is more painful than I realize.
Posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 21:21:22
In reply to Re: Histories » Poet, posted by HannahW on October 10, 2003, at 18:46:47
I don't self medicate. Instead, I repress. Only now, it is getting to the point that I cannot remember simple things such as names and my own age sometimes. My mind gets confused as to what to remember and what not to remember. One time, I had the exact conversation with the same person two different times. I usually use humor to avoid humiliation. I just told him "At least you know that I am not lieing." Oh the things we do as children to cope with stress. They work for the time being, but the methods just don't cut it in the adult world.
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:34:58
In reply to Re: Histories, posted by karen_kay on October 10, 2003, at 21:21:22
My mother doesn't understand emotions - she's great at cleaning the house, cooking the meals, carpooling the kids, helping with homework - the logistics of life. My father is a brilliant, workaholic scientist (he's even a workaholic in his retirement). I grew up in a perfect looking family (Mom was the Girl Scout leader, choir mother etc. Dad was very successful, all 3 kids launched successful careers). I spent my life working to be successful - that is what won love from my dad (and approval from my mom, she doesn't really have love). I was 38 before I learned that I had limits - that I couldn't do anything that I wanted to if I tried hard enough. Sounds great, doesn't it? But somehow I missed something when I was very, very little.
All I want is to sit on someone's lap in a rocking chair with my head on their shoulder while they stroke my hair.
Posted by Adia on October 11, 2003, at 1:40:39
In reply to Re: Histories, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:34:58
Dear Falls,
hi...this brought tears to my eyes.. :*****
I wanted to send you a safe gentle hug..
I just wish exactly the same thing...to just rest safely and have someone safe with me to stroke my hair and tell me I am ok...
I felt what you shared in my heart...
and I wanted to send you lots of support and understanding...i've read your post sharing how your session went...Sorry I couldn't reply yet, I am here needing to sleep but unable to, and it's 4 am already. But You've been in my heart!
((((fallsfall))) a safe gentle hug if ok.
Adia.
>
> All I want is to sit on someone's lap in a rocking chair with my head on their shoulder while they stroke my hair.
Posted by HannahW on October 11, 2003, at 12:35:18
In reply to Re: Histories, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:34:58
Here's what I'm imagining/wishing-- That I'm your mom and you are 5 years old. It's late in the evening and you've just taken a bubble bath, and I washed your hair with strawberry-scented shampoo. You sit on my lap in your warm pajamas and we rock while I stroke your hair and sing to you. You fall asleep, and I continue to hold you instead of putting you to bed, and I think about how lucky I am to have such a sweet cherub.
I hope that wasn't too weird for me to say. It's just the vision that came to mind as I was reading your post. What I really mean is that I wish I could make it better.
Come to think of it, I wish somebody would rock with me too.
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 13:28:23
In reply to Re: Histories » fallsfall, posted by Adia on October 11, 2003, at 1:40:39
Hugs are always wonderful.
How many of us just want to be rocked?
((((Adia))))
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 13:29:40
In reply to Re: Histories, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 13:28:23
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 13:31:12
In reply to Re: Histories » fallsfall, posted by HannahW on October 11, 2003, at 12:35:18
I close my eyes and I can feel it. It is wonderful, thank you.
Your turn, now?
(((((Hannah)))))
Posted by DaisyM on October 11, 2003, at 14:12:14
In reply to Re: Histories, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 1:34:58
Your house could have been my house, except add one more child, my mom did love, but my dad didn't know how (scientists!)and then throw in a civilized "amicable" divorce. It took me a few more years than you to find out how hard (impossible!) it is to always be perfect. That of course was the outside picture. The family secrets...well, like I've said before, until recently I didn't think they mattered since they were so long ago and I was taught to "get over it" and "move on." Which is probably why ending up with depression is doubly hard for me...I failed by giving in to it and I'm failing daily by not being able to get over it. The saddest part when I look at everything I've done successfully, is that, with the exception of my children, I'm not sure any of it matters. Because, even though I feel like I'm not doing things as well as I use to, no one seems to have noticed the slippage. Is that because "good enough" really is "good enough?" Or am I really that good at pretending to be OK? ARRGG, I hate feeling like this!!
Posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 17:10:14
In reply to Re: Histories » fallsfall, posted by DaisyM on October 11, 2003, at 14:12:14
>>I failed by giving in to it and I'm failing daily by not being able to get over it.
Yes. So how are we supposed to feel good about ourselves?
>>The saddest part when I look at everything I've done successfully, is that, with the exception of my children, I'm not sure any of it matters. Because, even though I feel like I'm not doing things as well as I use to, no one seems to have noticed the slippage. Is that because "good enough" really is "good enough?" Or am I really that good at pretending to be OK? ARRGG, I hate feeling like this!!
Maybe your children are all that is supposed to matter?
I know that I pretend to be OK. And I fool most of the people most of the time. But that makes it harder for me, because they aren't seeing who I really am.
"Good Enough". My daughter was in 6th grade and was doing 6 hours of homework a night - a bit much. She is a perfectionist like me. It was clear that she was working too hard. I convinced her to put in 70% of the effort and see what happened. She still got A's. We still talk about this lesson and she is a Junior in college!
The question is "good enough" for who?
Posted by HannahW on October 11, 2003, at 21:27:01
In reply to Re: Histories » HannahW, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 13:31:12
> I close my eyes and I can feel it. It is wonderful, thank you.
>
> Your turn, now?OK, my turn! You be my mom and I'll be 10. I come home crying because all the kids hate me and today they followed me home, kicking my behind and knocking down my books the whole way. First, you go outside and tell them if they ever so much as look at me cross-eyed again, so help you, you'll...(I don't know what. Fill in the blank.)
Then you take me inside and hold me, and you cry too because you can see how much I'm hurting. You take my face in your hands and bring your face up close to mine. Then you tell me how wonderful I am, that those girls are just jealous, that I deserve better friends, and that it's they're loss. You remind me again how special I am, and how much you love me. Then, you kiss me, hug me again, and then we make chocolate chip cookies together.
<sigh>
Anyone else? :)
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 11, 2003, at 21:35:56
In reply to Re: Histories » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 17:10:14
This is all just too sad. I, until a few years ago though I was quite normal, until a year ago, I was certain I had never been abused. Now I realize that I am part of a group of people who have been terribly hurt but are so full of compassion and love that we might just be able to survive our pasts.
Every single history post that I've read here is heart wrenching. We all have had pasts that we didn't deserve. We all have managed somehow to compensate for them, for at least a time. We've all come to realize that we have a great deal of work to do in order to recover from what was done to us.
Cruelty is cruelty is cruelty. Whether or not we suffered physically, we suffered. A child hurt is an adult lacking something.
I wish I had what was needed for all of us. I don't though... I don't even have what I need for me. I still wish you all well.
Maybe we could have a separate thread for accomplishments. Sort of lights for the tree as we all get better.
Dee.
Posted by DaisyM on October 11, 2003, at 21:44:32
In reply to Re: Histories » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2003, at 17:10:14
Thank you for sharing the story of your daughter...what a great lesson to learn early. I guess I never recognized my underlying motivation for perfection. I just assumed it was (is?!) "who I am." Now, I don't know how to undo everyone's expectations that I will "handle it all" even though I really don't want to anymore. My family is interesting because they say "let it go or ask for help" but if they perceive any weakness in coping, they offer advice like, "don't worry so much" or "don't work so hard"...this would be my parents/bro/sis/hubby...
So, I NEVER ask for help (it is a therapy goal)and I don't ask for emotional support (ok, I'm starting to depend on my Therapist, which scares the hell out of me). I even hold my best friends away slightly. I guess this is why I suffer from such a deep seated loneliness.
So I can't answer the quesion, "how do we feel good about ourselves?" I use to think I did...self-esteem had never been a problem.(I was perfect, remember?) Now I don't know...is it possible to fake self-esteem too?
More questions than answers right now. Thanks though for the discussion.
This is the end of the thread.
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