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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on June 4, 2008, at 19:29:52
when mentally ill, when vibrating at a less than optimum level,
and being attracted therefore, to those who are familiar,
whose vibration was in line with my own,
at the time,
and whose vibration keeps sucking me in,
eternally,
and the Guilt, the guilt of leaving him, and
leaving my children,
leaving them to live a completely dissolute life,
the guilt of that is just too much to bear.
Only now, I find I am losing myself more and more each day
in his own insanity, his own lowest of vibrations keeps pulling me down,
although perhaps it is only a mirror shadow of mine own self.Please, I want to be happy.
Please, I want to be free.
Please, I want my children to be happy and free, and whole, in body and soul,
and I wish I felt I were worth that too.In society, i am bpd.
and drug addicted (although it's only pot, i am not one of those who can handle it ... although it allows my pain to feel important and worthy of creation, it takes away my real life, in the outside world, where I Must Live...)
in my soul, i am aching and whole ... in psyche, i am distressed beyond measure
please, god,
please don't let me break before I get help,
before i get understanding,
before i can be healed,
please don't let me break.
Please love me.
Please love me.
Please love me, and please hold me.
I don't want to die, not yet.
I want to live a real life, first.
Posted by Toph on June 5, 2008, at 9:57:05
In reply to things to understand, posted by susan47 on June 4, 2008, at 19:29:52
When vibrating at less than an optimal level Susan, it's best not to trust the reflection in the mirror. My recollection of you is one of a better vibe. I hate it when I define myself by all my regrets.
Posted by susan47 on June 26, 2008, at 23:55:42
In reply to Re: things to understand » susan47, posted by Toph on June 5, 2008, at 9:57:05
..I hope you read this, someday, you catch up. So much around this place, so much about here, feels bad, the never knowing, the always losing people, feeling like losing parts of myself ... I dislike that so much about this fricking f*ck*ng Boards. F*ck the boards.
I spent time in the hospital, only two nights, you have to be something other than a depressed with borderline tendencies, and it's a damn good thing, because the damn place is a bad place to be.
And 'home' is a bad place to be.
and I was lucky, because I have a sister who really, truly loves me so much, and her husband who is a jewel of a human being, just like her, and I was lucky because they are taking me in.
I'm lucky.
I'm loved.
I'm loved.
I'm loved.I'm going to be okay, I will truly be all right, I will remember this, that I will be all right.
Life is good.
Life is good.
Life is good.
Posted by Toph on June 27, 2008, at 10:50:20
In reply to Dear Toph, dearest friend, please excuse, posted by susan47 on June 26, 2008, at 23:55:42
> I'm loved.
>
> Life is good.Yes, Susan, you are loved and life is good, or at least it can be. Sorry about needing the hospital. I used to spend lots of time there 30 years ago. Hated it, but it saved my life until I finally accepted that I would need to stay on medication to keep out of the damn place.
You Susan, you are so much a part of this place - even if most of our friends are gone. Hell, you were the writing board for a while. You spilled your guts here and no matter how raw your language, no one can deny how genuine, how honest you were by standing naked in front of us with your pain. Some day in the future some internet archeologist will unearth these words in a cyber dig and remark that this susan47 was one passionate woman.
I hope everything will indeed be alright.
Posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 18:57:29
In reply to Re: dearest » susan47, posted by Toph on June 27, 2008, at 10:50:20
Toph. Hey, Toph.
You just perked up my post-mj-smoking depression.
Coming back into reality.
No, let me live a life. A good life, a good one, a good time was had by all.
Nobody posts to me anymore, Toph.
I think I'm just hated.
Posted by Toph on July 15, 2008, at 16:04:40
In reply to Re: dearest » Toph, posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 18:57:29
Sorry it took 5 days to recognize your post Susan. This place is so dead compared with four years ago. This is perhaps helpful as one of my childhood friends is dying of cancer any moment now, and Babble has prepared me for losing friends.
Posted by susan47 on August 1, 2008, at 3:25:50
In reply to Re: dearest » susan47, posted by Toph on July 15, 2008, at 16:04:40
> Sorry it took 5 days to recognize your post Susan. This place is so dead compared with four years ago. This is perhaps helpful as one of my childhood friends is dying of cancer any moment now, and Babble has prepared me for losing friends.
I'm so sorry about your friend, Toph. I wonder where your friend's spirit will be going. I hope you're going to be okay.
Please take care.
Posted by susan47 on September 27, 2008, at 19:44:50
In reply to Dear Toph, dearest friend, please excuse, posted by susan47 on June 26, 2008, at 23:55:42
I have a smart brain
I have a smart brain
I have a smart brain.Thank you, thank you, thank you, I have a brain that understands when Help is necessary.
Help me, Someone please rescume, rescue me, rescue.
Rescue.
Posted by susan47 on September 27, 2008, at 19:50:12
In reply to I Have a Smart Brain, posted by susan47 on September 27, 2008, at 19:44:50
Silly, silly girl. Do you still believe in Angels?
Where are your angels now?
Posted by susan47 on March 18, 2009, at 18:30:09
In reply to No, Silly Susan, posted by susan47 on September 27, 2008, at 19:50:12
One of the brightest diagnoses because it's Curable. From the first trauma of having someone say that to me, a professional, through the anxiety and the illnesses, to a small ray of hope. Seeing myself in other's eyes, people who will never know how crazy I actually got on this board, and in my mind, people who never have to see me the way my ex-T saw me, people who aren't afraid of me. That has to be the worst. Thinking about what my ex-T thinks of me, how he must be seeing me, the feelings he must have about me, most of all his necessity to keep me from feeling his forgiveness, his necessity to see me as Bad. I have to forget these things. I have to tell myself he won't hate me forever, and I am a good person, because I am. I am.
Posted by susan47 on April 4, 2009, at 0:18:52
In reply to Borderline Personality Disorder, posted by susan47 on March 18, 2009, at 18:30:09
There's a creak in the chair, as you lean back and speak I can hear the creak as you casually spin a tale about not being able to take this person's call right now (becauseyouarebusytryingtokeepmeatbayincaseigooverboardagaingodforgivemethatishouldeverdosuchathingdon'tworryyouandyouragent(s)idohopeyouaren'tpayingthemorheorshetoomuchmoney,
Posted by susan47 on April 4, 2009, at 14:50:09
In reply to What's it like to be so perfect, posted by susan47 on April 4, 2009, at 0:18:52
and that was silly because it really was a good thing and a helpful thing and the right thing because now I can take it now I understand and I still like myself, I like myself.
Posted by susan47 on April 12, 2009, at 14:40:28
In reply to What's it like to be so perfect, posted by susan47 on April 4, 2009, at 0:18:52
your voice goes up at "beep" as though you are saying, don't bother me you stupid girl, why do you bother, don't phone me I've asked you not to bother me ...
and again I say, how can you refuse me now, how can you refuse to be that which I ask of you so humbly, open and with apology, and I say also to myself in a much different type of voice, I say, how Dare you refuse to be my muse, how could you allow me to fall so openly in love, in Love and lust and then not see the fruits of my labours, not understand what you stirred up and yes it was a psychotic experience, in the end, and yes it was bad for my health and your health and on and on ad infinitum, because I have a feeling you have rehearsed your little speeches a few times at least, given me all the reasons I have to cease and desist.
And this is my world, this is the feeling and the questions and the answers to my life you are so blatantly throwing away.
And I am .. regretful that it had to be anyone at the end of my unrequited love, and yet somehow I still feel you were not always an unwilling participant in the deception. In the beginning sometimes some things just seem so insignificant, and I understand that. I do. But listen .. because of you, my life was saved.
Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:09:26
In reply to After the beep, posted by susan47 on April 12, 2009, at 14:40:28
I wonder sometimes, when I feel justified, and I wonder about your methods, and I wonder if you aren't even a little bit regretful that you couldn't handle things differently. And I imagine your lawyer or your accountant or your family or friend or friends or whoever, whoever is or was advising you, I imagine they must have told you to keep a record of my calling and leaving messages, and I'll bet you don't give all the content, and I'll bet you're choosy about what you choose to focus on, because you're no different. You my dear man whom I chose to love way back then, so many lightning dinosaur years from now, years ago, too many to care although it's only been six ... I believe ... my memory fades when I think of unpleasant things ... and I imagine I am one of your unpleasant things, dear C.W., Therapist (so proclaim we all, so we all aid in the deception, your deception, your inability to see the best of me, of myself, of my person, and seeing and taking only what could be translated to mean something else, something embarrassing or to be hidden or to be afraid of, and I think, this man has been a complete Fool.) .... but that doesn't make it true. Not because you thought it.
I can love whomever I wish, and the person who shies away from my love isn't worthy of it ... yet I am still truly able to feel it and to send it, and to think of you as Beautiful, deep inside, where it truly does count, if you haven't come to it I believe you will.
That's the promise of Life.
Each moment to its own.
With every breath, a promise.
Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:22:11
In reply to C.W., posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:09:26
How Strange to realize I had been reduced to a nuisance by a man who claims to care about people, to be in a helping profession.
How strange, How Karloff, to realize that your methods were always punitive, not helping at all.If there were a god, would the possibility that your eyes might be opened be worth a prayer? Since there is no god, and therefore all prayer is comfort to the distressed, the weak of mind, the ill-willed and the unable ... disabled to life, I think you may be, dear CW, if you had any idea how large my love is, and was, and always will be in spite of any common sense that says otherwise ... if you had any idea at all, you would not hide. You would smile, you be joyous indeed that there are people capable of wishing you so much good ... and care for responsibility.
Yes. I have mine. You also have yours, but you haven't been able to even say this to yourself, have you? Have you?
Your silence is all the answer ever needed, ever given ... such a fool. No doubt the bigger fool - the one who loves - will be silenced one day also. But as long as I draw breath, as long as my body lives, it will always yearn for another love, like the impossible one, like this one.
The beauty in life is its passing, and ending, and ever having been.
I love you. Too bad. Suck it up. But don't punish me anymore, please. Enough with your methods of caring. My children are fine, better than fine, they have a mother who, in spite of not being the Perfect One you may have been raised to believe in ... too much television, perhaps, my darling one? .... in spite of not being perfect, I love my children, and they know this without a doubt, and I protect them and I fight for their rights, and they know this ... and they know I am so much more than you'll ever even guess.
Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:36:30
In reply to Re: C.W., posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:22:11
Or thinking that I do, I know that you will make ill of this also, my new-once-again found, love. It is my love. It deserves respect. You, Co Wi I want to say who you are, I want you exposed for the thief that you are, the heart thief, the happiness thief.
I am angry. I think of you and I am angry and sad and lost and so angry.
Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:40:56
In reply to Knowing You, posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:36:30
You allowed me to challenge you in loving you, and it was all about You, in the end, it was about you and how YOU felt about things, and you not being able to show enough respect, compassion and caring when I was having a horrible, horrible time, and I ended up in such bad shape and I ended up having this huge psychosis about how I loved you ... so is the love I'm able to feel, is that psychotic? Does loving you, cW, make me psychotic?
Or is it just the fact that I let you treat me with disrespect? And then went crazy over that, I went into a drug-induced-with-your-knowledge-and-never-saying-anything-about-that, I even had doctors, a psychiatrist say he wasn't too concerned with my smoking mj .... if all the stories about mind doctors were truly told, we would all be quite astonished. This I am sure of.
I refuse to get psychotic ever again. I simply Refuse.
Posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:41:54
In reply to Re: Knowing You, posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:40:56
Posted by susan47 on August 1, 2009, at 14:37:54
In reply to C.W., posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:09:26
No Matter how justified you may have felt, how Dare you write me a letter saying you were going to share my most personal private and tortured moments .... how dare you cancel the therapy relationship with an explanation that it was me, it was you, it wasn't going to work, that my transference was too strong ... how dare you not have the ability to honestly sincerely work it out with me, get to the bottom of what was driving me, discuss with me those things that needed to be discussed; your incompetence and my ferocity were a match made in hell but you never never once have ever shown me any remorse or any dignity at all by having a willingness to be open, to be kind, to be accepting, to be able to Handle what came your way, as a Professional -- I find your qualifications have the substance and meaning of ... candy. Eye candy, isn't that what you are, Doctor?
How I hated myself for feeling the way I felt. Now I imagine I would have a heart attack (people have heart attacks for emotional reasons more often than we ever know, and sometimes I feel my heart's sickness and I have to work on making it better, all the time, thinking good thoughts, not remembering how I became the Unwanted One. Damn you. How could you have done this???) if I ever laid eyes on you in again in real life. Knowing I loved a completely cowardly bottom-feeder really, really hurts. Because it means I have to give up all my ideas about what men could really be like. It means that you all really are basically the same, and what I see is pretty gross.
Posted by susan47 on August 1, 2009, at 14:44:04
In reply to C.W., posted by susan47 on July 31, 2009, at 18:09:26
Anyone, doctor dear, you will have committed a soft crime, breaching the confidentiality of a patient, and just because they or he or she may only know my first name (and maybe more than that???) it is still a crime, breaching the faith of the mentally ill, the weak, the weaker sex ... it could go on and on ... I am so angry. Your incompetence is stupefying. A simple call, a simple message ... so many ways to find someone ... and you continue to plead personal and social and professional ignorance ... and continue to buttonhole someone like me ... buttonhole me as what? Psychotic? Do you really believe that is all? Have I been psychotic in the past, was I EVER psychotic before this time in your hallowed halls?
I was certainly Borderline.
How soon into the therapy relationship did you realize this about me? Sooner, later, maybe never, not until I personally conveyed it .. on a telephone message .. messages you claim not to have heard, and if so that makes you worse than a liar, it makes you Indifferent.
Posted by susan47 on August 1, 2009, at 20:02:17
In reply to And IF YOU HAVE SHARED ANY OF THIS WITH, posted by susan47 on August 1, 2009, at 14:44:04
Unless, of course, it was the Law. The Law finds a judge who signs an order and voila, bingo, all rights of the accused disappear in an instant. Then you would be justified, if someone took your side. And many would, I'm sure. But I think many more would not. Because a patient comes to a doctor in a vulnerable state, sometimes more than you could know .. and so you can remain blameless, seeking your own counsel wherever you will, and I will continue to be haunted by my ugliness, my utter disarray as a human being, the wreckage left behind as your spoor .... I am so very, very angry with you.
Posted by susan47 on August 2, 2009, at 0:52:56
In reply to After the beep, posted by susan47 on April 12, 2009, at 14:40:28
that a full-grown woman of 52 would refer to herself as a "girl". I mean, really, what utter crap.
Posted by susan47 on August 12, 2009, at 14:20:32
In reply to How very funny, how very odd, posted by susan47 on August 2, 2009, at 0:52:56
It does NOT absolve you, and neither do I. I can't. You have never given me the opportunity. And I know that you never will. Because, cowi, I am afraid you are the exact coward (from yourself, you shy away from your own self and don't know it) .. you stand as the accuser, I as the accused, always always, there can be No Contact, it is uttered so, these are the Rules by which we all must Live, and Die also. And on my own deathbed, may I have much more to give me love than a one-sided memory, a memory of my own choosing, a love I chose for myself, the loving of yourself.
Wow. I mean, really.
Posted by susan47 on August 25, 2009, at 12:27:26
In reply to NEVERTHELESS, posted by susan47 on August 12, 2009, at 14:20:32
I used to yell a lot.
Scream, in fact. Like a little, lost child.
Silly.
Silly, silly Susan.
Posted by susan47 on August 26, 2009, at 18:59:11
In reply to And IF YOU HAVE SHARED ANY OF THIS WITH, posted by susan47 on August 1, 2009, at 14:44:04
soft crime is making phone calls to a disembodied voice, leaving messages to the galaxy only, messages of pain and heartache and betrayal.
Using your phone line. Adding to your time, to your expenses.
And you could have stopped it all with a few simple conversations, a few exercises in eye contact, a few meaningful words.
But you couldn't do it because you didn't want to make that difference.
I remember how harshly you were judging me.
Each letter you wrote confirmed the extent of your judgment.
This was not a transference, this is true.
You judged me, but you should have been judging yourself.
You did things that made me feel awful, terrible about myself.
And none of it, absolutely none of your judgments were based in fact.
In reality.
You did not give me the opportunity to come out of my therapy relationship with you as a whole person.
I came out of that in pieces. Little, itty bitty pieces that you had made of me. A lunch you had consumed, devoured for what you could get out of it.
What nourishment did I provide you with, CW .. tell me, what did you get out of this? What you usually did? To begin with, before my confession of love, yes, certainly.
And even sometimes after that, were you to be honest with yourself.
But what I believe about you is that you cannot be honest with yourself, you can't allow this, because it cannot be true about you, it just can't. You upstanding one, you.
Coward.
Deceitful, brazen coward.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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