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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 19, 2006, at 22:18:36
it takes so much time
so much energy
it keeps my day filled
avoiding one thing
procrastinating another
abandoning yet a thirdthis is not the body i had
that one is gone, stolen by time, gravity, antidepressants, sobriety and the food cravings that replaced alcohol
so sick
so typical of mei didn't even notice how much my body parts had changed from what i used to take a smidgen of pride in
all the mirrors around me
and i can't see myself in them
i was broken hearted one day
to finally look in the mirror
full length
unclothed
and see that i have become my mother
the father part of me
slender, flexible, lithe
is lost in layers that i've added
in listlessness that keeps me pinned to the sofa, the bed, the floor
i've been lying on the floor for a while now
feeling all the parts of me that hurt
keeping my hands away from my belly
it sickens me
i want to melt it away
go to sleep and wake up weeks later
weak but the body parts restored
that would make me feel better
i know it would
i want to sleep and i can't any more
that ability has fled
leaving me rattling around in my head
thoughts bumping in to each otherso i go in another direction to distract myself
impressing order on the world around me
symmetry is divine
i strive to alphabetize the spice cupboard
file my clothing by colour in the closet
but it never lasts
entropy sticks its foot in and it all comes tumbling down around me
chaos is terrifying
i am terrified
by the chaos that is mei think i can go on for a long time on this.
i'll be back
Posted by Toph on April 20, 2006, at 8:46:12
In reply to self hate, posted by ClearSkies on April 19, 2006, at 22:18:36
I work mainly with the elderly, CS. Time, that in our middle aged years is the enemy, becomes the great equilizer in the end, our friend, as even the most svelt amoung us sag. Oh, seniors can be vain, this is certain, but for the most part, obsessions with appearance are surplanted by a focus on remaining independent, vital, connected. Why does it take us so long to get our priorities in order?
Toph
Posted by Damos on April 20, 2006, at 17:36:04
In reply to self hate, posted by ClearSkies on April 19, 2006, at 22:18:36
My dear friend,
Sadly feelings of self hate are all too familiar to me.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this, and even sorrrier that all I seem to be able to offer is a hug.
((((((((((ClearSkies))))))))))
Maybe a slow waltz and a quiet cry on each others shoulder would do us both the world of good.
You mean a lot to me and I wish so much that you could see the you I do; feel the you I do.
Damos
Posted by susan47 on April 20, 2006, at 21:04:39
In reply to Re: self hate » ClearSkies, posted by Damos on April 20, 2006, at 17:36:04
Your wish is already coming true, because YOU see Clearskies .. someone else does, too .. more people I'll bet see Clearskies for the beautiful, growing, developing person she is .. than the defects she sees ... they're all false, anyway .. feeling bad about yourself isn't something you're born with, it isn't something nature teaches any of us .. it's taught by our "care"takers, now we can care for ourselves .. we start by seeing the beauty in each other .. Damos you silly, you have so much very GREAT beauty, you express it with every word you write .. and Toph .. and Sunny .. and Joan and special K and everyone, Everyone ... everyone who shares KNOWS that there is value in this, in this sharing, and that this is how we are made to be what we were meant .. to be Whole.
Shut up, Susan, Ssssssssshhhhhh .. another dark day in the west ... will the sun Never Shine Again?????
Posted by clearskies on April 21, 2006, at 0:26:12
In reply to Re: self hate » ClearSkies, posted by Toph on April 20, 2006, at 8:46:12
> I work mainly with the elderly, CS. Time, that in our middle aged years is the enemy, becomes the great equilizer in the end, our friend, as even the most svelt amoung us sag. Oh, seniors can be vain, this is certain, but for the most part, obsessions with appearance are surplanted by a focus on remaining independent, vital, connected. Why does it take us so long to get our priorities in order?
> Toph
I'm afraid that this is about so much more than my appearance, Toph. Getting old and saggy isn't my problem, though I'm not dancing up and down about it. I don't mind my wrinkles as they are almost all smile lines.It's the whole package and what's inside that package that distresses me so. I wasn't brought up to be aware of my body one way or another except to bury any pride about appearance as deeply as it would go. My parents only noticed me when I went through a growth spurt, adding 7 inches to my height in a year and developing a much more mature body at the same time. All of a sudden my body became something to hide and disguise.
In the past year, though, my body has revolted. 20 pounds gained. 20 pounds gained. That's a lotta weight. Not only do none of my clothes fit (the day I tried on my bathing suit was the worst so far); but I feel really crummy. I can feel each ounce and where it sits on my frame. I have developed a nasty association of relieving anxiety and eating. More is more, as it were.
So now, the ugliness I feel inside is matched by my outside. I look to myself the way I feel to myself. Distorted, hurting, self destructive, something I regard with disgust and loathing.
Posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2006, at 9:35:32
In reply to Re: self hate » Toph, posted by clearskies on April 21, 2006, at 0:26:12
aaah, CS, I do know what you mean.
I have gained 25 pounds over the last 9 months...
It is truly horrifying. But on the other hand, I can think straight now. I do hate it that I've outgrown all of my clothes (and the clothes I had to buy in between my old weight and my new weight). And I hate it that my fiance seems to think that all I need to do is to exercise more to take it all back off... he doesn't understand that AD's change our metabolism.
But, again, I am now able to see that thinking clearly without any type of self-medicating or winding up in the hospital is better.
As everyone else has said, we need to learn how to embrace what we have proven we are capable of and let the vanity fall by the wayside.
Funny, but until now I never thought of myself as vain. Being thin was effortless for me for 38 years. I never even thought about it. But I miss it now that it is gone, so I have to rethink my own vanity, I guess.
I do keep exercising. Walking, et cetera.
And I keep reminding myself that looks don't matter.. I am actually still below the norm of American standards- I am just different than I was.
I am different than I was- but in good ways, too.
Try to play up the good parts in yor head.
We'll make it through this...
Posted by Toph on April 21, 2006, at 9:39:06
In reply to Re: self hate » Toph, posted by clearskies on April 21, 2006, at 0:26:12
>
> So now, the ugliness I feel inside is matched by my outside. I look to myself the way I feel to myself. Distorted, hurting, self destructive, something I regard with disgust and loathing.
>Destorted is the operative word here CS. Your self-loathing, from what I and others here know of you, is a destortion of the truth. You are not worthy of such contempt. Sadly, I understand that feelings based on destortions are no less painful than those based on reality. But I think there is more hope that these negative views will lessen some day. ((((CS))))
Posted by Estella on May 6, 2006, at 22:00:11
In reply to Re: self hate » clearskies, posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2006, at 9:35:32
Sometimes I feel ugly. Thinking back I have thought I was ugly for most of my life. An occasional brief respite, an occasional point in time when I felt loved, loveable, beautiful. On the inside and the outside. But not anymore. Not for a long time. I feel broken and ugly and unloveable. But... It is a feeling. Just a feeling. It can be hard for us to believe that someone can see beyond the flaws that we detest. That someone can love in spite of them. That someone can grow to love them.
I don't know what to say.
But I understand about hating ones self. About hating ones body. It would be oh so nice to think that one day one could transcend ones body. Leave it behind forever. Unfortunately I don't have much hope. Unless you can do it in this lifetime. But it is hard. Oh so hard. And I guess it is only going to get worse :-(
Posted by Estella on May 6, 2006, at 22:05:17
In reply to Re: self hate, posted by Estella on May 6, 2006, at 22:00:11
I went to a concert last night. The stage was nicely lit but for some reason there was fairly full lighting in the audience as well. I couldn't find a single guy who wasn't balding. Especially because of the staggered seating you could see what you typically could not. And it struck me. Jeepers... That really does happen to a lot of guys. Maybe there was an unrepresentative sample there or something... But it really does seem to happen to a lot of guys. And now I'm thinking of the adds on TV and that kind of stuff. And I think that is important to a lot of guys re their self image. And it did look a bit odd (it is interesting how different people seem to go bald a bit differently...) but I figured that though it looked a bit odd... If you really loved someone... Then I think you would grow to love that little quirk about them. I'm most self conscious about my stomach and my thighs and my upper arms. Really very self conscious. So hard to think that someone could love me in spite of that. Could grow to love that. If I thought someone loved me... Who am I kidding... I would run away in terror. I'm sorry.
Posted by Toph on May 7, 2006, at 7:41:42
In reply to Re: self hate, posted by Estella on May 6, 2006, at 22:05:17
> I went to a concert last night. The stage was nicely lit but for some reason there was fairly full lighting in the audience as well. I couldn't find a single guy who wasn't balding...
Careful, Bob is sensitive about some things Estella. Seriously, now that I'm older, another person's good looks doesn't intimidate me so much, it's the confidence that having a lifetime of unearned positive reinforcement appears to have given them that I envy. BTW, you sound just lovely.
Posted by Estella on May 8, 2006, at 9:55:09
In reply to Re: self hate, posted by Toph on May 7, 2006, at 7:41:42
> Seriously, now that I'm older, another person's good looks doesn't intimidate me so much, it's the confidence that having a lifetime of unearned positive reinforcement appears to have given them that I envy.
Yeah. I envy that too. Find it hard. Real hard. And feel sad about that sometimes. And mad too. For what might have been. I get to wondering what I might be like if I had have had a more 'normal' childhood. The absence of abuse and co.
> BTW, you sound just lovely.
Thank you Toph.
You are just lovely yourself. I'm glad you still come and play with us sometimes.
(((((Toph)))))
Posted by Estella on May 14, 2006, at 1:56:35
In reply to self hate, posted by ClearSkies on April 19, 2006, at 22:18:36
are you mad at me??
Posted by Declan on May 14, 2006, at 2:17:29
In reply to self hate, posted by ClearSkies on April 19, 2006, at 22:18:36
You might like it.....
"The only wisdom we can hope to acquire is the wisdom of humility; humility is endless"
By which I mean....you grow old (you don't even need to do that), you fall to bits, it happens, it's a pity.
Declan
Posted by ClearSkies on May 14, 2006, at 9:30:09
In reply to T.S.Eliot » ClearSkies, posted by Declan on May 14, 2006, at 2:17:29
Thanks - I do like that.
CS
Posted by ClearSkies on May 14, 2006, at 9:30:54
In reply to Re: » ClearSkies, posted by Estella on May 14, 2006, at 1:56:35
> are you mad at me??
No, not at all. Just scared to say anything, really.
CS
Posted by Estella on May 14, 2006, at 18:47:55
In reply to Re: » Estella, posted by ClearSkies on May 14, 2006, at 9:30:54
> Just scared to say anything, really.
oh. i'm sorry.
:-(
i'm sorry.
Posted by ClearSkies on May 18, 2006, at 21:09:57
In reply to Re: » ClearSkies, posted by Estella on May 14, 2006, at 18:47:55
My fears have a way of waxing and waning, maybe with the lunar cycle? Most often they are not based on facts but rather on fairy dust and moonbeams. My cat has the same problem. Her name is PsychoKitty, and she was named before I ever found this site! She and I sometimes run and hide from the same moonbeams.
CS
This is the end of the thread.
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