Posted by ClearSkies on April 19, 2006, at 22:18:36
it takes so much time
so much energy
it keeps my day filled
avoiding one thing
procrastinating another
abandoning yet a thirdthis is not the body i had
that one is gone, stolen by time, gravity, antidepressants, sobriety and the food cravings that replaced alcohol
so sick
so typical of mei didn't even notice how much my body parts had changed from what i used to take a smidgen of pride in
all the mirrors around me
and i can't see myself in them
i was broken hearted one day
to finally look in the mirror
full length
unclothed
and see that i have become my mother
the father part of me
slender, flexible, lithe
is lost in layers that i've added
in listlessness that keeps me pinned to the sofa, the bed, the floor
i've been lying on the floor for a while now
feeling all the parts of me that hurt
keeping my hands away from my belly
it sickens me
i want to melt it away
go to sleep and wake up weeks later
weak but the body parts restored
that would make me feel better
i know it would
i want to sleep and i can't any more
that ability has fled
leaving me rattling around in my head
thoughts bumping in to each otherso i go in another direction to distract myself
impressing order on the world around me
symmetry is divine
i strive to alphabetize the spice cupboard
file my clothing by colour in the closet
but it never lasts
entropy sticks its foot in and it all comes tumbling down around me
chaos is terrifying
i am terrified
by the chaos that is mei think i can go on for a long time on this.
i'll be back
poster:ClearSkies
thread:635008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/635008.html