Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 22:43:11
Thought I was okay yesterday.....I really did
Thought special_k's posts explained it
And they did.........to a large extent
And yesterday was different to most days and today
And today
I'm not doing so good :-(
Not so good at all
Been on the verge of tears all day
What is wrong with me?
I hate feeling like this
Variable
Just feeling so lost
So very, very lost
Disheartened and disillusioned
And broken
And alone
And stupid, really, really stupid
And abandoned
And like everything I've learned and know means nothing
That I'm non-existent
I don't fit, won't fit, can't fit
That I've wasted so much time and effort here
I hate it
So much doubt
And frustration
And questions, so many d*mn question
None of which have answers
Confusions and conflicts
No meaning, or value or purpose to any of it
And that hurts cause I need it
Thought I'd come right
But I haven't
Not good at talking about my feeling, much less writing about them
I don't mean to shut people out, I don't, but I do cause I don't know what to say
Don't understand the feelings much less how to describe them
And I hate being a burden, but I am and I know it
Because when it does go to custard
I go where I feel safe - and that's so few places
And I hate it
I'm sorry
Posted by sabrina0805 on March 23, 2006, at 2:33:39
In reply to :-(, posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 22:43:11
Oh Damos - you are none of these things. You have a deep and strong intuition, so let it carry you along if there is cause for changes. Only goodness can stem from your actions. Remember that nothing is a mistake. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
I am sorry that you are at such a low point. This storm will pass! Words I know .... but it will get better.
My thoughts are with you.
(((Damos)))
Sabrina
Posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 4:13:20
In reply to :-(, posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 22:43:11
((((Damos))))
I don't know what to say...
Except that I know the feeling well.
It is familiar to me
Recurrs
Sometimes it grips me real bad and I think
'this is how things really are and when i think otherwise i am just deluding myself'
...
and then...
after some time...
i kind of come right and things don't seem that ay
don't feel that way and i feel better
but when i feel that way i don't think there is any real hope for things to feel different :-(so i guess what i'm trying to say is that right now things don't seem so good...
but that it will pass
it will
if you can just hang in therepeoplecare about you you know
you aren't a burdan
anymore than other people are when they feel comperably(((damos)))
i wish things didn't have to seem this way
Posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 21:16:14
In reply to :-(, posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 22:43:11
how are you feeling today?
better or worse or much the same?> Thought I was okay yesterday.....I really did
> Thought special_k's posts explained it
> And they did.........to a large extent
> And yesterday was different to most days and today
> And today
> I'm not doing so good :-(
> Not so good at all
> Been on the verge of tears all day
> What is wrong with me?
> I hate feeling like this
> Variable
> Just feeling so lost
> So very, very lost
> Disheartened and disillusioned
> And broken
> And alone
> And stupid, really, really stupid
> And abandoned
> And like everything I've learned and know means nothing
> That I'm non-existent
> I don't fit, won't fit, can't fit
> That I've wasted so much time and effort here
> I hate it
> So much doubt
> And frustration
> And questions, so many d*mn question
> None of which have answers
> Confusions and conflicts
> No meaning, or value or purpose to any of it
> And that hurts cause I need it
> Thought I'd come right
> But I haven't
> Not good at talking about my feeling, much less writing about them
> I don't mean to shut people out, I don't, but I do cause I don't know what to say
> Don't understand the feelings much less how to describe them
> And I hate being a burden, but I am and I know it
> Because when it does go to custard
> I go where I feel safe - and that's so few places
> And I hate it
> I'm sorry
Posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:12:17
In reply to Re: :-(, posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 4:13:20
You're right.....I know you are...thank you
Just plain flat today
And that's part of the problem
It comes in waves, something I'm not used to
So I'm swinging from "Yeah I'm okay"
To "I'm so not okay" from one day to the next
One hour to the next, and I don't like it one little bit
And it's all mixed together, not clearly this stuff or that stuff
And it's not just work stuff, thought that's seems to be the worst of it
Guess I've been holding all that stuff in
Making sure everyone else was okay, and just doing stuff that needed to be done - I had to do
Hoping that it'd sort itself out in time, but it's 10 months now and it hasn't - it's worse if anything
And in all that I forgot to take care of myself, grieve the losses, feel the feelings, check my own okayness
Question whether this change was really something that I wanted to be part ofIt's home stuff and me stuff too
Guess that there are experiences that change us, leave us changed
Good experiences, beautiful, ones we couldn't have imagined not so long ago
Ones that show us how far we've come and how much we've grown
Are still growing and changing - becoming - finally
Let us glimpse our true self
But the bits don't go back together again the way they did before
And it all crashes up against each other - hard
And the questioning starts - hard questioning
And choosing not make choices becomes unacceptable, unbearable
As does the way thing are that don't fit with your becoming
And sometimes you hear yourself speak the truth
And it's so remarkable and surprising that you literally come out of yourself
And see yourself speaking this deep truth
That you'd never admitted before - never really known or realised
That you can't quite accept is coming from within you - is truly your truth
And things crash more
Things become more unacceptable, harder to live with
Make you really question you
And sometimes there are no answers
And others you just plain don't likeBut I will come right......I will
And people do care and that means so much
(((((special_k)))))
Posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:14:16
In reply to Re: :-( » Damos, posted by sabrina0805 on March 23, 2006, at 2:33:39
Dear Sabrina, it will, I know it will.
Thank you. My thougths are with you too.
(((Sabrina)))
Posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:38:24
In reply to Re: talk to us..., posted by special_k on March 23, 2006, at 21:16:14
I was really scared that the boulders were going to move again last night - so don't like that. But they didn't - Phew
Curled up in a ball in my room, puppy came and checked on me occassionally (gave my nose a poke with her cold wet one :-))
But other stuff happened, spinning stuff. Couldn't close my eyes because when I did I started to spin. Kinda like when you've had a little too much to drink. Flat spins. But then there were standing on my head spins too and wave-like things down the length of the bed. And I was awake and hadn't drunk anything. Was very strange.
Today is a mixed bag a little all over the place. But been pretty busy - distractions help.
Thank you for caring.
Posted by sleepygirl on March 24, 2006, at 18:22:41
In reply to :-(, posted by Damos on March 22, 2006, at 22:43:11
Damos, you are wonderful, and nothing remotely resembling stupid. It's hard to feel safe sometimes, very hard. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
(((Damos))))
Posted by Damos on March 26, 2006, at 15:43:57
In reply to Re: :-( » Damos, posted by sleepygirl on March 24, 2006, at 18:22:41
Thanks sleepy, you're pretty wonderful yourself. I really hope you find all the love, happiness and fulfilment you deserve in your life. You seem really lovely.
(((((sleepy)))))
Posted by ClearSkies on March 26, 2006, at 21:42:49
In reply to Re: talk to us... » special_k, posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 22:38:24
Hello ((((Damon)))) my friend. Sometimes one distraction after another is the only activity I can pull off. Bouncing from one job to another, doing just enough to get a bit farther along, then on the next bit. That way I figure as nasty a day as I've had, I've done a little bit on every thing. Which give me satisfation, an obvious projection.
Which tells me that I'm not a dumb and ineffective as I feel. Even when I'm at worst I can give 10 minutes here and there, and it adds up to a decent day.I hope this lifts for you soon.
ClearSkies
Posted by Damos on March 27, 2006, at 16:21:48
In reply to Re: talk to us... » Damos, posted by ClearSkies on March 26, 2006, at 21:42:49
Thanks ClearSkies, I'm getting there. Been better so far this week.
Stopped looking so hard for what's not there and really appreciating what is - and that is so much, so much more than I could ever have imagined.
Thanks for your wonderful friendship. You're good people CS :-) Glad you and special are okay too...the other stuff made me sad because you both mean a lot to me.
(((((ClearSkies)))))
The mist is just burning off here and it's going to be a beautiful day, blue, crystal ClearSkies as far as the eye can see. The perfect autumn day
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