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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 1:16:18
So Dad walks out
'If I'd have stayed she would have driven me crazy'
And what the f*ck did he think happened to me?
But I have said that before...
So welfare keeps us alive
And Mother gets progressively sicker
And the neighbours
And the teachers
And the series of boyfriends
All butt out and turn away
'Cause it ain't their f*cking buisness and all.I kind of figured that not everyone had to live in their room
But then other people seemed to have quite different lives
And I didn't really know why
Mine was so hard
Except that she used to say over and over again
That it was my fault.And now I am broken.
But maybe I always was.
And there is nothing...
There really isn't anything...There isn't even anything I can do.
And I probably shouldn't even be saying it.Sometimes something just snaps.
And you think
'f*ck it I just can't do it anymore'
'I just can't keep on keeping on'
But then the problem remains:
What are you going to do.
You could go to bed.
But you will get sick of that soon enough.
You could act sad.
But you will get sick of that soon enough.
It is the instability that is so very hard to bear.
What makes it impossible to take a class one minute
Then when you don't have to do it you feel better all of a sudden.
People like to think it is a way of manipulating people into doing what you want.
A way of getting out of things.
But doesn't everyone feel better when what they were upset about is resolved?
I don't want to live like this anymore.
I am sick to death of it.
But it really doesn't matter at all
Because there is nothing to do
There is nothing to be done
Except to snap out of this soon
Before you have succeeded in f*cking most everybody off
Nobody can bear too much of this sh*t
So why do you feel compelled to share?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Because it feels less alone.
And I am all alone in the world.
And I am scaired.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 3:45:57
In reply to ,, posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 1:16:18
It is ok
I am ok
It comes and goes in waves...
Of course I am not alone.
You guys are here :-)
And if I make a little more effort
Just a little tiny bit
My flatmates are ok to talk to
Just a little chat
A tiny bit of connection
And I feel a bit better
Sorry to rave like that.
I think I will be up and down
I don't know for how much longer...
But I dare say another week.
I am going to take my meds properly.
I promise.
I do.
Someone may want to remind me of that...
But I really can't keep going like this.
And I can't pull myself out.
So it is time.
Even if it just helps me a little
teeny tiny bit
It is something.
And it has to be a whole bunch better
Than how I am feeling now.
Sorry for the rave.
Something cheerful this week...
I promise :-)
Posted by AdaGrace on March 21, 2005, at 9:33:41
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 3:45:57
No, Alexandra, you are not alone. There are so many others out here who feel like you do, but find that others do care about us and feel the need to comfort us and make us feel safe in our world of solitude and scary mindsets.
Let me tell you something that I have been thinking about you for a very long time. I think perhaps you are one of the most intelligent people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Often times I don't know how to respond to your posts because they are so very far over my head I just can't keep up. I don't mention this to put you down, but to build you up. For you see, people women and men are attracted to intelligence. Often intelligence attracts intelligence. AND Alexandra, many times an intelligent attraction brings forth someone who sees you for who you are, challenges your mind, and yet understands the shortcomings and doesn't put you down or hurt you because of it. It is a true friend/lover who isn't afraid of your intelligence, but nourishes it.
I often think that this is the reason for my serious incompatibility with my husband. I am smarter than he is in so many ways. He is afraid of that and therefore puts me down in so many ways so as to keep me "in line". Do you know what he said when I graduated College? "Graduating Highschool is a much bigger deal than this" What a scared little boy he was, and I couldn't see it. I thought I deserved to be treated that way, I thought I was stupid. I know better now. And those things, those little minute multitude of things have piled up into a mountain of hurt over 20 years, and I can't climb over that mountain. I'm on top of it. But I can't get over the fact that it is there.
Okay, now I ran off into a tangent about myself. Alexander, I am here listening to you, thinking of you and caring.......
AdaGrace
Posted by partlycloudy on March 21, 2005, at 10:55:32
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by AdaGrace on March 21, 2005, at 9:33:41
I just wanted to add my vote in your favour, Alexandra, and that your intelligence continually earns my admiration.
And also - that there are lots and lots of us with backgrounds and families that create challenges for us. We have the strength and the will to overcome these challenges and I do believe that we don't have to continue to define ourselves by our pasts.
((((Alexandra)))
Posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2005, at 12:31:33
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 3:45:57
((((Alexandra))))
Oh, don't worry either about having to be cheerful.
We understand.
We really really do.
We care about you very much.
And if you ever need a hand IRL,
mine will reach out.
I will do what I can.
Because here on Babble, you're more
than just a body. You've become
real, a mind in motion.
A soul in transition.
Beautiful, full of life,
you're finding your way
You'll be okay.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 17:18:55
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by AdaGrace on March 21, 2005, at 9:33:41
((((Adagrace)))) Thanks so much :-)
Yeah. Babble is great because you guys really do understand. You really really do. And we aren't all in that very bad place all at that same time (thank god) and so it is great.You make me blush.
I get all embarrased and stuff when people say that I am smart or intelligent or whatever. It is a very specific sort that doesn't generalise very well... And it can take me a lot of time whereas other people can be lightning quick... And I can't do math at all... And so on. I dunno...What you said about your husband was great.
It sounds like you got it right on.
Some guys can't handle it when females are smart.
Some people are like that too.
But males have a history of defending by violence intimidation and put downs.
Good on you to see that it is his insecurity.
You are too good for him gracie.
Really.
You deserve so very much more.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 17:20:17
In reply to Re: ,, posted by partlycloudy on March 21, 2005, at 10:55:32
(((pc))) thanks.
The past is hard...
I need to work through it.
I hope I get the opportunity to do that one day.
I really appreciate your posts.
And that last post too of course :-)
We will get there...
WE have to.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 17:21:29
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2005, at 12:31:33
(((Susan)))
Thank you.
You aren't the only one who needs to vent sometimes
- see?
That was beautiful.
Thank you.I am feeling a bit better today.
I will take my meds
I will.
Posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2005, at 18:57:35
In reply to Re: , » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 17:21:29
I absolutely cannot believe how terrible I feel today. I forgot to take my AD this morning. Can one day without it make me feel this badly? I just took my AD and I hope it helps because I feel like I've been completely unproductive today, I've been wanting to phone my ex-T, who hurt me so terribly much, I loved him and he just tossed me aside, he absolutely TOSSED me. God I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I can't concentrate, I can't function today. My kids don't know, I'm keeping it all secret, my pain and my longing and my emptiness, my loneliness for life. I have no life, only a big empty hole where life should be.
Thank You, Alexandra, for allowing Me to vent to you, too.
It helps to have friends.
No matter how far away they are.
They're precious.
They understand me.
They care for me, and about me.
I couldn't live
without my friends.
Near and far.
Posted by Damos on March 21, 2005, at 19:24:09
In reply to ,, posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 1:16:18
The builders have just finished constructing a bed-sit in my heart and you're welcome to come and stay there any time you like for as long as you like, the door is always open.
Posted by Toph on March 21, 2005, at 19:44:26
In reply to ,, posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 1:16:18
> So Dad walks out...
When you were in that house, you were stuck. Thank God now your mind has you visit only for a while, and then, alex walks out.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 22, 2005, at 4:26:45
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2005, at 18:57:35
I don't know about the AD. I don't know.
I feel empty sometimes too.
Kind of empty and frantic.
And I can't explain that to anyone.
Except you guys.
I don't know what I'd do without you guys.
I don't.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 22, 2005, at 4:27:42
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on March 21, 2005, at 19:24:09
(((Damos)))
Thanks for that.
I will print off those exercises and have a go at them.
Thanks.
:-)
Posted by alexandra_k on March 22, 2005, at 4:28:38
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by Toph on March 21, 2005, at 19:44:26
Sort of...
I sort of walk out.
Not really
Not yet.
One day.
Posted by AdaGrace on March 22, 2005, at 16:20:01
In reply to ,, posted by alexandra_k on March 21, 2005, at 1:16:18
Okay Alex,
I just have one teeny tiny gripe today.
I have fat little pudgy hands and I am computer mouse inept, soooooooooo
Sometimes I can't get the mouse thingy in the right spot to get to your post so I can read it. Cuz you have little post lines like "'" or "*" or some other little thingy, so today when I want to respond to your original post, I sorta had trouble and the mouse thingy flew up and hit the wall........okay, okay, I sorta threw it........
Ada, feeling not so lost today, GraceBTW I love to be called Gracie..........was part of the reason for my name you know........George Burns......"Say Goodnight Gracie"
Ada, "say tah-tah" Gracie
Posted by alexandra_k on March 22, 2005, at 22:36:40
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by AdaGrace on March 22, 2005, at 16:20:01
Sorry Gracie...
Would you believe I kinda do that on purpose...
To make it harder for peoples to follow the link...
But I didn't figure in that they might get frustrated...
I figured that they just might not bother...Won't do that anymore.
:-)
Posted by Damos on March 22, 2005, at 23:05:21
In reply to Re: , » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on March 22, 2005, at 4:27:42
Hey precious girl,
My pleasure. BTW, most of the 'Floor' exercises can be done laying on your bed too if that makes it easier, and it shouldn't reduce the effect much. Went through my Yoga and Feldenkrais books last night too so have some other things you can try later on if you want.
Hope you're doin' okay today.
Posted by rayww on March 23, 2005, at 8:01:49
In reply to Re: , » alexandra_k, posted by Toph on March 21, 2005, at 19:44:26
> > So Dad walks out...
>
> When you were in that house, you were stuck. Thank God now your mind has you visit only for a while, and then, alex walks out.
>Sometimes we walk out of ourselves, and then four months or years later we look around and ask, "where have I been?" There's been nobody home. And it's good to come back.
Posted by Toph on March 23, 2005, at 8:42:24
In reply to Re: ,, posted by rayww on March 23, 2005, at 8:01:49
>
> Sometimes we walk out of ourselves, and then four months or years later we look around and ask, "where have I been?" There's been nobody home. And it's good to come back.I feel that way about my job, ray. I'm having a real hard time finding my way back.
Posted by rayww on March 23, 2005, at 10:37:32
In reply to Re: , » rayww, posted by Toph on March 23, 2005, at 8:42:24
>
> >
> > Sometimes we walk out of ourselves, and then four months or years later we look around and ask, "where have I been?" There's been nobody home. And it's good to come back.
>
> I feel that way about my job, ray. I'm having a real hard time finding my way back.
>
>
I know how hard it is, and I can't give you any advice, except know what you can trust, cling and anchor to while at the in-between place. Eventually you will touch down.
Posted by sunny10 on March 23, 2005, at 12:17:01
In reply to Re: , » AdaGrace, posted by alexandra_k on March 22, 2005, at 22:36:40
whether you can't see it while you're depressed or not, you must realize that many people LOOK for your posts- no matter what you call them BECAUSE what you say is always "worth it" !!!
I have mentioned before that I am lazy. There are many days that I do not have the self-discipline to read your posts carefully enough to really get at the heart of what you are saying. This is the "over my head" comment that I think AdaGrace posted. But I always come back to your posts when I want to to exercise my brain.
That being said, when it comes to depression, I've always said that I would be happier if someone just took a hammer to my head and left me braindead. Life must be so much simpler when there aren't a MILLION thoughts running around in your head...
Intelligence is both a curse and a blessing.
Try to remember that it is not just a curse...
I think that all of this is why I told you I wouldn't go into the machine. I know that I have to accept and figure out how to work WITH who I am, instead of always fighting against it...
Okay, I'm now totally babbling, sorry... Please don't ever apologize for writing how you feel.
I loved your poem. Like everything else you write, it made me think.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 4:44:24
In reply to Re: , Alex..., posted by sunny10 on March 23, 2005, at 12:17:01
(((sunny))) I just saw this. Jeepers you guys can make me cry sometimes. When I am feeling all alone and pitying myself and someone reaches out to me and says something so very nice.
Wow.
Never have I ever had that in my life before Babble.
I am not so good at returning that to people. It isn't that I don't appreciate people but I am just not so good at saying it.
I don't know what I'd do without you guys.
Thanks sunny. Thank you so much.
This is the end of the thread.
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