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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 18:25:02
When I was little I thought my father was god.
I used to follow him around and chatter to him
And he never answered (like god).
He never even told me to shut up
And he hever hit me
Or locked me in my room.
Sometimes he would even smile in my direction.He left when I was 7. He said
'I have to get out, she is driving me crazy'
I thought we had an understanding on the nature of my mother.
I thought that meant he would come back and get me
I just had to wait until he found a place and learned to cook.That was what made her bearable.
No matter what she did to me I just had to wait.When I was 14 I figured it out.
He wasn't coming back and he had never intended to.
He was supposed to see me fortnightly but I was lucky if it was once a month.
(Maybe thats why fortnightly sessions are hard for me).I ran away.
Department of social welfare paid my mother a visit to figure out what was going on.
She was very sick.
I was put in a girls home.
8 girls. I used to lock myself in my room
Thats the only way I could feel safe
Its all I knew
'Not fit for human company'
And nobody taught me how to be
It was always my punishment for some imagined infraction
Being locked in my room.I still do this.
He never visited me in the home.
Now he says 'I thought you were happy there'.
I don't believe him
What a f'd up thing to say.
Now he sees me at christmas.
I hate christmas
I hate him
Self absorbed and selfish
I was never a concern at all.
I am still not, even now, but there is an air of pleasantness because my stepmother cannot understand as she is close to her children.
'Had to leave or she'd have driven me crazy'
What does he think happened to me?
'Not fit for human company'
How the hell was I supposed to learn?I never chose them
But then they never chose me.
I didn't ask to exist its not my fault
But I am alive nevertheless
And each day is punishment
Torment
They will not let me die
We are not friends enough yet.
Posted by smokeymadison on December 17, 2004, at 19:59:07
In reply to ., posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 18:25:02
my father is a methodist pastor. talk about equating your father with god. i view god the same as i do my dad--distant. i lived with him for over 4 years and i bet the total amount of time he ever paid attention to me is about the same amount god has--ever.
i am sorry you are hurting. are you thinking that going to the hospital would be like locking yourself in your room? you talk of being locked in your room as both punishment and a way to save yourself. just wondering...
SM
Posted by alexandra_k on December 18, 2004, at 19:52:25
In reply to Re: ., posted by smokeymadison on December 17, 2004, at 19:59:07
> are you thinking that going to the hospital would be like locking yourself in your room? you talk of being locked in your room as both punishment and a way to save yourself.
I don't think they would let me lock myself away. Hopefully I could sort it out so I don't do that anymore. It isn't like I am working productively in there or anything like that. I just curl up in bed and ruminate. I hate it but I can't stop it. That is what I found the hardest when I was in Australia, I just needed to shut myself away and ruminate while everyone else was sightseeing or going to the pub or being social or whatever. Thats when I realised that you can change the country but you really can't run away from yourself some things have to be dealt with properly becasue they follow you around as access baggage whether you want them to or not.
It isn't really that it is a way to save myself, it is just that I shouldn't be around people sometimes, so maybe I see it as a way of saving them.
Theres a lot going on there. i don't know...
Posted by Toph on December 18, 2004, at 22:59:48
In reply to ., posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 18:25:02
What allows a man to harden his heart to the point that he can abandon an adoring child of his own flesh without pain or remorse? He could have chosen to watch you grow, he could have felt your admiration and love, he could have protected and nurtured you, hell, he could have rescued you. When I read your story alexandra, I shared your hatred for him. But when I think of what he gave away, who he lost, I feel very sorry for him indeed.
-Toph
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 19, 2004, at 22:37:39
In reply to ., posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 18:25:02
What a beautiful story.
I know you are sad.
You have had to face so much alone.You are not alone anymore...
we love you.
The pain is yours and until you can let it go...
it will be yours.I had no idea I would ever let my pain go.
I hold out the possibility of you letting your pain go.
I really care about you.
Jai
Posted by alexandra_k on December 20, 2004, at 1:38:16
In reply to Re: ., posted by Jai Narayan on December 19, 2004, at 22:37:39
You guys make me cry. Not that I'm blaming you... well, you get what I mean.
I know I need to let it go. I want to. One day. But I have so much I need to work through first.
T2 is a narrative therapist. For her it is all about describing and redescribing traumatic experiences. After a lot of processing you can settle on a description (memory) which enables you to forgive and move on. Well, I figure all different types of therapy have ways of doing this, but thats a real focus in narrative therapy.
I was a bit embarrassed about posting that in hindsight. But thankyou both so much for your kind thoughts.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 25, 2004, at 7:02:50
In reply to Toph and Jai, posted by alexandra_k on December 20, 2004, at 1:38:16
In retrospect....
Giving up pain or sadness is hard because it something I know.
I grew up with it.
Like an old friend I can trust.
by letting go the journey has taken me from seeing everything with a wash of Brubeck blue to mean hot reds...
now I am resting in all shades of gray.
Hope your day goes well...
I am taking it easy and visiting a friend for dinner.
Jai Narayan
Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2005, at 2:50:40
In reply to Re: Toph and Jai, posted by Jai Narayan on December 25, 2004, at 7:02:50
Thankyou Jai. I missed your post - just found it now. I have to forgive one day. Or I'll have failed myself. I try to allow the pain but not cling to it. To feel pain but no hatred. But it is hard. Every day it is hard.
This is the end of the thread.
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