Posted by alexandra_k on December 17, 2004, at 18:25:02
When I was little I thought my father was god.
I used to follow him around and chatter to him
And he never answered (like god).
He never even told me to shut up
And he hever hit me
Or locked me in my room.
Sometimes he would even smile in my direction.He left when I was 7. He said
'I have to get out, she is driving me crazy'
I thought we had an understanding on the nature of my mother.
I thought that meant he would come back and get me
I just had to wait until he found a place and learned to cook.That was what made her bearable.
No matter what she did to me I just had to wait.When I was 14 I figured it out.
He wasn't coming back and he had never intended to.
He was supposed to see me fortnightly but I was lucky if it was once a month.
(Maybe thats why fortnightly sessions are hard for me).I ran away.
Department of social welfare paid my mother a visit to figure out what was going on.
She was very sick.
I was put in a girls home.
8 girls. I used to lock myself in my room
Thats the only way I could feel safe
Its all I knew
'Not fit for human company'
And nobody taught me how to be
It was always my punishment for some imagined infraction
Being locked in my room.I still do this.
He never visited me in the home.
Now he says 'I thought you were happy there'.
I don't believe him
What a f'd up thing to say.
Now he sees me at christmas.
I hate christmas
I hate him
Self absorbed and selfish
I was never a concern at all.
I am still not, even now, but there is an air of pleasantness because my stepmother cannot understand as she is close to her children.
'Had to leave or she'd have driven me crazy'
What does he think happened to me?
'Not fit for human company'
How the hell was I supposed to learn?I never chose them
But then they never chose me.
I didn't ask to exist its not my fault
But I am alive nevertheless
And each day is punishment
Torment
They will not let me die
We are not friends enough yet.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:430998
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20041210/msgs/430998.html