![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on July 24, 2004, at 16:31:09
i'm tired of not functioning well at work
i'm tired of avoiding my family
i'm tired of them incessantly asking if i'm "OK"
i am SICK and tired of people commenting on my weight!
i am SICK and tired of FOOD.
i am tired of looking at this horrid body in the mirror.
i am tired of hurting those i care deeply about (only a handful anyway)
i am tired of not being able to help those i'm supposed to.
i am tired of worrying about school.
i am tired of being the "sad" one, or the "happy" one when i'm neither.
i am tired of nightmares
i am tired of lack of sleep
i am tired of money (anything)
i am tired of politics
i am tired of people hurting others for no reason
i am tired of some having less than NOTHING and others that have too much and choose not to help.
i am tired of medication and their prices.
i am tired of hurting others.i have started to grow close to my T but i am afraid that i will harm him. when ever i get close to someone, when they start to try to help me something happens, they leave-either move or die. i can't let that happen with him. i can't. i couldn't live with that. i'm very afraid my presence will hurt him.
my husband said "i finally have my wife back", what does that mean? does that mean he thinks my emotional struggles are GONE? he wants it "back to normal". i'm afraid he fell in love with someone else and i can't help but think he and everyone else that wants this is SOOO much better off with me way out of the picture. not to leave or run away but to disappear, and i think there's only one way to do that.at least if i die they can grieve and get on with their life, it would be difficult and painful i know, but they would go on. while i'm here i constantly bring turmoil, insecurity, lies, unstability, and worst...pain. so much pain to them.
i don't want them to hurt anymore.
my difficult decision is how. i need to find a way that insurance will still pay. he brought up the other day that no insurance will cover suicide. so i guess running a red light crossing a hwy will do the trick right?
i am not enough, not enough of anything.
Not: strong enough, happy enough, even sad enough, apparently not heavy enough, tall enough, rich enough, poor enough, smart enough, not quick enought, silent enough or loud enough, organized enough, and certainly not good enough.This is what i want.
i want to make one last scar, to bring to me my soothing flow, the crimson quickly spreads. to feel those deep breaths of relief as if the right decision was made. to experience once again the instant erruption, the color changes it displays and how it thickens as time goes. i want to cover the walls, to flood the floors, and when it's done to dump my useless body in a dumpster where it belongs. with other used and broken items that are so easily discarded. to become someone elses problem, to be passed down 100 times, as always before, never to be claimed.I want to snap the bottles open with the stench of chemicals that should never be mixed, to clutch tight my transportation to peace. to lie down to rest before my weak distorted body begins to convulse and reject its last attempt to stay.
i want to hear the crackle of my bones as the smell of the rubber and gasoline coat my body. the sounds of squeals and glassbreaking all because i choose nighttime for my last stroll. my last sounds i deserve to hear causing pain to others, the sounds of screams and sirens for what feels like hours just before i inhale and darkness covers me one last time.
this is what i want....but i am weak.
Posted by Atticus on July 24, 2004, at 20:08:09
In reply to just let me vent and it'll get better., posted by B2chica on July 24, 2004, at 16:31:09
Please stop and listen, if only for a minute. No matter what you may feel at this terrible moment, one thing you are clearly not is weak. Do you think I feel strong when I see the three scars that remain from splitting my veins from the wrist to halfway up my left forearm? Believe me, I have a pretty good idea where your head is at right now, and I'm really concerned you'll hurt yourself. On June 2, the day of my suicide attempt, I just wanted to evaporate like morning dew, to be expunged from the face of the Earth. I really thought, like you, that I was only prolonging the agony for myself and everyone else. But you're not giving yourself enough credit. By not acting on your impulses, you're showing a lot more strength than I did. And you may not think it, but lots of people WILL miss you. The first time my mother and sister visited me on the psychiatric ward, I was so filled with apprehension, I couldn't even look them in the face at first. I felt terrible, ashamed, for dragging them into my mess of a life. But I was astonished at how supportive they turned out to be, and I think if you just turn to your family now, you will be too. I admit, it's taken a lot of explaining to communicate the idea that I'm never, ever going to be "better" or "cured." And frankly, I'm not sure if they've really "gotten" it yet. But just keep trying. The metaphor I always use is diabetes. A diabetic can control, can manage, his or her illness, but it will never go away. The same is true of the wicked curveball that you and I have been thrown with our brain chemistry; it's just as much a physical condition as diabetes. Please write me back and let me know you won't do anything to yourself tonight. I know we only know each other as names and poems on a message board, but your comments have meant a lot to me, a whole lot, and I'd really miss them and you if you disappeared. So would a lot of other people in our little virtual community. You have inherent value, and you don't have to do anything, say anything, or look any particular way to justify it. I've been in the abyss you're writing from, and there are a lot better ways to climb out of it than the method I used. Atticus
Posted by B2chica on July 26, 2004, at 9:37:02
In reply to Re: just let me vent and it'll get better. » B2chica, posted by Atticus on July 24, 2004, at 20:08:09
this weekend was a constant struggle. i know people will "miss' me, but they can remember good times not the bad. no one (IRL) gets that i battle every single day with this. they think i'm "fine", they are ignoring it. the few i do care about either push it to the side pretending all is good, or they really think it's all ok.
i AM weak because i am tired. i too have scars, and right now i look at them and see failure.
i have just hurt my one good friend (although accidentily) i truly feel that that was the last straw. that i just can't hold friendships. normally it is them that betray me, this time it was me i opened my mouth when i shouldn't have and i am undeserving of his friendship. That's ok. i'm used to not having close friends, done it before i can do it again.
i have my T...but for 1 hour a week. that leaves another 167 hours to battle alone.
Three things i'm hanging on to tightly now is 1)my T-i do like him and i don't want him to feel like he failed, 2)babble-you folks have been such a saving grace i will never be able to express that in words. and 3)my dad(dy). he is my shining star. even the thought of him hurting shreds my heart into pieces. i have tears in my eyes now thinking about that. but i know that i have hurt him many times in the past. i can never apologize for all that.
the (good?) news is that i did make it through the weekend...hour by hour.
my T appt is tomorrow. for today i'm doing the hour rule...Atticus, you have a talent with words. please don't stop. you have a gift, please share it with others.
i'm trying to hang on Atticus. i really am, i'll be ok. but please don't worry. i have already hurt and disappointed enough people.
i am fighting this Atticus. i truly wish people (IRL) could understand what a fight this really is.
Your words mean a great deal to me. Thank you Atticus, thank you.
b2c.
Posted by Atticus on July 26, 2004, at 10:22:54
In reply to Re: just let me vent » Atticus, posted by B2chica on July 26, 2004, at 9:37:02
You could never disappoint me. I've been where you are, and I really do understand how horrible it feels. Just remember that I and the rest of the Psycho-Babble brigade are here to help you to whatever degree we can. I know it's not the same as face-to-face, but keep on talking to us. And thank you for making it through the weekend. Whether you believe it or not, the world is a better place today because you're still here with us. :) Atticus
Posted by B2chica on July 26, 2004, at 10:41:30
In reply to Re: just let me vent » B2chica, posted by Atticus on July 26, 2004, at 10:22:54
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Writing | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.