Posted by B2chica on July 24, 2004, at 16:31:09
i'm tired of not functioning well at work
i'm tired of avoiding my family
i'm tired of them incessantly asking if i'm "OK"
i am SICK and tired of people commenting on my weight!
i am SICK and tired of FOOD.
i am tired of looking at this horrid body in the mirror.
i am tired of hurting those i care deeply about (only a handful anyway)
i am tired of not being able to help those i'm supposed to.
i am tired of worrying about school.
i am tired of being the "sad" one, or the "happy" one when i'm neither.
i am tired of nightmares
i am tired of lack of sleep
i am tired of money (anything)
i am tired of politics
i am tired of people hurting others for no reason
i am tired of some having less than NOTHING and others that have too much and choose not to help.
i am tired of medication and their prices.
i am tired of hurting others.i have started to grow close to my T but i am afraid that i will harm him. when ever i get close to someone, when they start to try to help me something happens, they leave-either move or die. i can't let that happen with him. i can't. i couldn't live with that. i'm very afraid my presence will hurt him.
my husband said "i finally have my wife back", what does that mean? does that mean he thinks my emotional struggles are GONE? he wants it "back to normal". i'm afraid he fell in love with someone else and i can't help but think he and everyone else that wants this is SOOO much better off with me way out of the picture. not to leave or run away but to disappear, and i think there's only one way to do that.at least if i die they can grieve and get on with their life, it would be difficult and painful i know, but they would go on. while i'm here i constantly bring turmoil, insecurity, lies, unstability, and worst...pain. so much pain to them.
i don't want them to hurt anymore.
my difficult decision is how. i need to find a way that insurance will still pay. he brought up the other day that no insurance will cover suicide. so i guess running a red light crossing a hwy will do the trick right?
i am not enough, not enough of anything.
Not: strong enough, happy enough, even sad enough, apparently not heavy enough, tall enough, rich enough, poor enough, smart enough, not quick enought, silent enough or loud enough, organized enough, and certainly not good enough.This is what i want.
i want to make one last scar, to bring to me my soothing flow, the crimson quickly spreads. to feel those deep breaths of relief as if the right decision was made. to experience once again the instant erruption, the color changes it displays and how it thickens as time goes. i want to cover the walls, to flood the floors, and when it's done to dump my useless body in a dumpster where it belongs. with other used and broken items that are so easily discarded. to become someone elses problem, to be passed down 100 times, as always before, never to be claimed.I want to snap the bottles open with the stench of chemicals that should never be mixed, to clutch tight my transportation to peace. to lie down to rest before my weak distorted body begins to convulse and reject its last attempt to stay.
i want to hear the crackle of my bones as the smell of the rubber and gasoline coat my body. the sounds of squeals and glassbreaking all because i choose nighttime for my last stroll. my last sounds i deserve to hear causing pain to others, the sounds of screams and sirens for what feels like hours just before i inhale and darkness covers me one last time.
this is what i want....but i am weak.
poster:B2chica
thread:370041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040320/msgs/370041.html