Posted by B2chica on July 26, 2004, at 9:37:02
In reply to Re: just let me vent and it'll get better. » B2chica, posted by Atticus on July 24, 2004, at 20:08:09
this weekend was a constant struggle. i know people will "miss' me, but they can remember good times not the bad. no one (IRL) gets that i battle every single day with this. they think i'm "fine", they are ignoring it. the few i do care about either push it to the side pretending all is good, or they really think it's all ok.
i AM weak because i am tired. i too have scars, and right now i look at them and see failure.
i have just hurt my one good friend (although accidentily) i truly feel that that was the last straw. that i just can't hold friendships. normally it is them that betray me, this time it was me i opened my mouth when i shouldn't have and i am undeserving of his friendship. That's ok. i'm used to not having close friends, done it before i can do it again.
i have my T...but for 1 hour a week. that leaves another 167 hours to battle alone.
Three things i'm hanging on to tightly now is 1)my T-i do like him and i don't want him to feel like he failed, 2)babble-you folks have been such a saving grace i will never be able to express that in words. and 3)my dad(dy). he is my shining star. even the thought of him hurting shreds my heart into pieces. i have tears in my eyes now thinking about that. but i know that i have hurt him many times in the past. i can never apologize for all that.
the (good?) news is that i did make it through the weekend...hour by hour.
my T appt is tomorrow. for today i'm doing the hour rule...Atticus, you have a talent with words. please don't stop. you have a gift, please share it with others.
i'm trying to hang on Atticus. i really am, i'll be ok. but please don't worry. i have already hurt and disappointed enough people.
i am fighting this Atticus. i truly wish people (IRL) could understand what a fight this really is.
Your words mean a great deal to me. Thank you Atticus, thank you.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:370041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040320/msgs/370656.html