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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Honore on June 8, 2007, at 7:34:10
Because of my shoulder, I've been painting the last week or so. It's hard to start a new medium again, even if Ive done it before. I wish I could take a class with Cox again, and get some instruction. Yesterday, the medium had too much oil and the paint wouldn't stick to the board and was floating across the surface.
I'll see today whether it's any better if I put more turpentine in. Last night I was very discouraged and had an anxiety attack.
Honore
Posted by gardenergirl on June 8, 2007, at 8:09:04
In reply to Work, Painting, posted by Honore on June 8, 2007, at 7:34:10
It sounds like yesterday was really frustrating. I know I hate when I first start doing something, either for the first time or resuming it as you are. I feel so incompetent, and that feeling often leads me to quit before I can work through it. But you sound like you've got a good plan to continue, and that's great.
I hope today goes better and is anxiety-free.
gg
Posted by Poet on June 10, 2007, at 10:52:17
In reply to Work, Painting, posted by Honore on June 8, 2007, at 7:34:10
Hi Honore,
I know work related anxiety attacks very well. Mine lately have been my fear of being fired for no reason.
It's hard to start doing something again you haven't done in awhile. Ive never been a believer in the old it all comes right back theory. Then again I'm far from a positive thinker.
Anyway, I hope the turpentine does the trick.
Poet
Posted by Honore on June 24, 2007, at 10:24:16
In reply to Re: Work, Painting » Honore, posted by Poet on June 10, 2007, at 10:52:17
June 22, which ironically or depressingly is my birthday, was the worst day in years, so long I can't remember, with my work. Everything was so labored and useless.
I worked with Maia and Julie and did some metalworking-- all of which were utter failures. Really horrid failures. I took out the painting I started with Julie, and just waited until Saturday to change the one with Maia, but that didn't work out at all on Saturday either. The arm is so wrong, it almost look like a flap rather than an arm, and it's confusing me about the shape of her back-- which I know is wrong, but can't get right.
The colors are somewhat better, but still mucky. I think I got the medium mixed correctly at least for the start-- I used a measuring cup. For some reason, Mayer says 1/3 turpentine, 1/3 linseed oil, and 1/3 varnish-- but Steve Sherman said 2/3 turpentine and 1/3 linseed-- which I'm using. Maybe the varnish is for latter parts of the work-- but 2/3-1/3 worked yesterday anyway. Although it may not work today-- and I might be remembering wrong, I suppose.
I ordered some decent turpentine W & N), and I've found some colors to use-- venetian red, ultramarine red, cerulan (although I'm not using it now), chrome green, viridian (esp mixed together), diaryalid yellow (ordered a whole bunch, in case they stop making it), yellow ochre (with winsor yellow), burnt umber. Mars Black and right now titanium white. Also greenish umber and cobalt something green that I ordered.
I worked on the still life last night too-- and it's pretty awful, but nothing looks really grotesque-- just lumpy, badly shaped, not well organized. The composition doesn't really work, but I either won't worry about it, or will figure something out that holds it together. I don't care so much, as long as it isn't awful.
But how upset I was reminds me of the days when I was learning to draw-- the years actually-- when I would be so horribly upset at times, at the end of the three hours-- and not be able to let it go. The feeling is so awful, and unbearable and it follows me around and wont' let go.
Sometimes I could take out months of work, or throw things away, and it would end the feeling, but right now, I can't do that with everything. I have to learn to live with this awful sense of wrongness and futility-- (although I did it as recently as with Sarah about a year ago). I can't understand things yet-- although I think I'm better at it then when I was working with Sarah. Sometimes I wonder if I"m retarded or just stupid, or what's the matter that my mind is so dull or tangled.
I feel exhausted already today and Julie's coming at 2 and Maia at 5:30-- it's overwhelming to deal with so much failure and ineptitude, and not have any way out of it.
I do have hope that it'll be better someday-- but right now, I'm really tired and depressed. Plus my T is away for another two plus weeks-- and I think it's affecting my mood and energy. I've had bad dreams every night since he left. Only one nightmare-- or nightmarish dream-- which was nonsensical, but very scary-- but still ones that wear me out, too.
I just hope Julie isn't upset with me for cancelling last night. I had to work--I just did. Going out would have been a bad experience. I think I forced myself too much the last time, too-- it's so awful that I want to work, and not go out. I don't know how to want to go out more, and how to leave work behind sometimes-- because I always enjoy the time itself, even if it's burdered by this sense of not wanting to be there.
Honore
Posted by Honore on July 1, 2007, at 9:12:21
In reply to Re: Work, Painting, posted by Honore on June 24, 2007, at 10:24:16
My work, or failure or inability to do it even faintly okay, has gotten me really depressed. I also haven't been sleeping, and my T is away, which may be contributing, esp. the former. But last night after I finished working, I was the most upset I've been.. It's starting to feel as if I'm just no good at this.
I also haven't yet been able to be consistent in getting the solder to flow right. Even if some of it flows, some it it curls up like a prune & stays where it was.
I'm still pretty depressed this am, even though I took a ton of lorazepam and xanax last night, and managed to sleep about 7 1/2 without waking up much.
I think I feel more rested, although I'll have to see how the day goes. I thought I was more rested about four days ago, too-- and I got terribly tired by early afternoon. Not my usual pattern, but made it very hard to work.
I'll probably go to the jewelry studio today at noon.
Honore
PS use terra rosa, not venetian red. don't like venetian red as much. Like mars violet, and terra rosa.
Posted by Honore on July 3, 2007, at 13:46:46
In reply to Re: Work, Painting, posted by Honore on July 1, 2007, at 9:12:21
I've realized that the way my work goes affects my mood tremendously, really dominates it. If my work is going well, I feel okay; if it's not I feel unable to get to the next minute unless I watch tv or go online, or somehow distract myself.
But I'm angrier when I read things and more anxious if I have to go anywhere. I think my general affect is so different even though I'm not aware of it-- really grim, and harsh, or withdrawn and somehow distant. I wasn't sure at first what was causing it, but last night, it was clear, after working at the jewelry studio on the cutting of the tree, I realized that it really is my work, not vague other things. I was in such a terrible, caustic (inwardly) mood, beause it felt like it wasn't going well, and I was crude and breaking saw blades, which isn't really like me. And the branches that I could see looked more distorted, than well articulated. So my mood, which could have been happy, if it had gone well, was really depressed.
I didn't feel like going out to dinner, which Jeffrey was really nice about. So we just went home.
I think the jewelry teacher was possibly mad at me because I left one of the pickle pots on. I guess I have mine at home on a low heat, so it stays on over night a lot, and I didn't think of it. Whereas theirs is very hot, and boils out. Anyway, she barely said a word to me-- although I wasn't needing or wanting her too- anyway. But I also think something's the matter, because she looked very upset on Sunday when I got there, and there's no bench class this week on either Thursday or Sunday.
But mainly, I noticed that it's really how badly my work has gone lately that's definitely been the thing that's caused me to be depressed, and not other things, which get caught up in my general depression.
Honore
Posted by Honore on September 7, 2007, at 18:25:40
In reply to Work, Painting, posted by Honore on June 8, 2007, at 7:34:10
So I still can't paint, or I do okay for a while and then totally ruin it. I'm feeling terrible about it, because I just wrecked something really important, and I don't think I can fix it-- and tried to work on something else today, but felt so depressed that I could concentrate.
I just wonder if I'll ever be able to do it at all.
I wish I could find a distraction from these feelings, but I've tried various things and they don't seem to work.
Honore
Posted by Poet on September 9, 2007, at 12:33:28
In reply to Re: Work, Painting, posted by Honore on September 7, 2007, at 18:25:40
Hi Honore,
It's tough when your concentration is gone. Depression does that to me, too. I wish I could think of a distraction for you. Maybe watch a favorite movie? That sometimes helps me, because I don't have to concentrate too hard because I've seen it many times. Keep in mind I have a degree in film history, so movies equal comfort to me.
Poet
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