Posted by Honore on June 24, 2007, at 10:24:16
In reply to Re: Work, Painting » Honore, posted by Poet on June 10, 2007, at 10:52:17
June 22, which ironically or depressingly is my birthday, was the worst day in years, so long I can't remember, with my work. Everything was so labored and useless.
I worked with Maia and Julie and did some metalworking-- all of which were utter failures. Really horrid failures. I took out the painting I started with Julie, and just waited until Saturday to change the one with Maia, but that didn't work out at all on Saturday either. The arm is so wrong, it almost look like a flap rather than an arm, and it's confusing me about the shape of her back-- which I know is wrong, but can't get right.
The colors are somewhat better, but still mucky. I think I got the medium mixed correctly at least for the start-- I used a measuring cup. For some reason, Mayer says 1/3 turpentine, 1/3 linseed oil, and 1/3 varnish-- but Steve Sherman said 2/3 turpentine and 1/3 linseed-- which I'm using. Maybe the varnish is for latter parts of the work-- but 2/3-1/3 worked yesterday anyway. Although it may not work today-- and I might be remembering wrong, I suppose.
I ordered some decent turpentine W & N), and I've found some colors to use-- venetian red, ultramarine red, cerulan (although I'm not using it now), chrome green, viridian (esp mixed together), diaryalid yellow (ordered a whole bunch, in case they stop making it), yellow ochre (with winsor yellow), burnt umber. Mars Black and right now titanium white. Also greenish umber and cobalt something green that I ordered.
I worked on the still life last night too-- and it's pretty awful, but nothing looks really grotesque-- just lumpy, badly shaped, not well organized. The composition doesn't really work, but I either won't worry about it, or will figure something out that holds it together. I don't care so much, as long as it isn't awful.
But how upset I was reminds me of the days when I was learning to draw-- the years actually-- when I would be so horribly upset at times, at the end of the three hours-- and not be able to let it go. The feeling is so awful, and unbearable and it follows me around and wont' let go.
Sometimes I could take out months of work, or throw things away, and it would end the feeling, but right now, I can't do that with everything. I have to learn to live with this awful sense of wrongness and futility-- (although I did it as recently as with Sarah about a year ago). I can't understand things yet-- although I think I'm better at it then when I was working with Sarah. Sometimes I wonder if I"m retarded or just stupid, or what's the matter that my mind is so dull or tangled.
I feel exhausted already today and Julie's coming at 2 and Maia at 5:30-- it's overwhelming to deal with so much failure and ineptitude, and not have any way out of it.
I do have hope that it'll be better someday-- but right now, I'm really tired and depressed. Plus my T is away for another two plus weeks-- and I think it's affecting my mood and energy. I've had bad dreams every night since he left. Only one nightmare-- or nightmarish dream-- which was nonsensical, but very scary-- but still ones that wear me out, too.
I just hope Julie isn't upset with me for cancelling last night. I had to work--I just did. Going out would have been a bad experience. I think I forced myself too much the last time, too-- it's so awful that I want to work, and not go out. I don't know how to want to go out more, and how to leave work behind sometimes-- because I always enjoy the time itself, even if it's burdered by this sense of not wanting to be there.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:761808
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/work/20061208/msgs/765361.html