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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jost on October 28, 2006, at 0:51:25
One other thing.
My work spiralled downward today. When I feel out of control, I become grim or desperate, and H seems to be rather sensitive to my mood. At least the days when I've been in a good mood, she's been fine, but when I haven't she seems very disturbed (which disturbs me in turn)
I don't know why, but it's hard to get the head placed correctly. I need maybe to use the photo of D, which was the original pose. while I work, to try to make sure it doesn't reorient and become disconnected.
so I had to glue a lot of paper under the paper, which was torn through, and move the head and angle it-- I think it's kind of right now.
I'm afraid of how H will react, if she realizes this. She's doing the pose in a very awkward and unnecessarily stressful way-- which also isn't right, but I hate to let her know all this work is for nothing. (Nothing evident, except my realizing yet again that I can't let important things slide-- and also I have learned some about facial structure-- not enough.) It's so hard to put that degree of effort into getting it right-- it's so extremely draining to say again and again that it's not quite there, and to try against some incomprehension to articulate what's off.
She's said endlessly how oppressive to work for M, and how much less work she imagined it would be-- which I can soon imagine being germaine to myself.The weight of how much work I've put into that approximately 8 inch square. D,M,J,and now H. Has me worn down right now.
J
Posted by Jost on November 2, 2006, at 17:41:19
In reply to More work, posted by Jost on October 28, 2006, at 0:51:25
I'm thinking about not working with models, although I can't think of anything else I want to do.
the main problem is I'm just not good at anything. I'm not sure why.
but it is a waste of money for me to pay people to model for me when I'm not good.
My therapist says I'm not paying enough. But I'm actually paying much more than I can justify based on how much money I have and the value of what I"m doing.
I guess at some point, I'll just take some classes, or go to the sketch class, or something.
No one that has wanted to work with me has been interesting, or even just done the job seriously.
the other day Holly actually started reading a magazine-- and then apologized because she might have been making 'strange faces" because of the story she was reading.
As if she wasn't aware that her head was in the wrong position-- and that actually making faces when someone's drawing your head (even if it's already in the wrong position, when the position is the point) isn't okay.
where is someone's head that they can do that? I don't get it. But I actually am starting not to care that much because it's too hard to care. or to work with someone who's projecting a lot of negativity, or agitation, or indifference, or boredom, or such sheer exhaustion that they fall asleep.
I really have had very bad luck (? or experiences) with people for the longest time. I think it's because living in NY is so expensive, and I"m on the upper west side, which is far away from where more bohemian, or offbeat, or nontraditional people live=- and they can make as much money babysitting or teaching pilates-- and it's easier and they need the money and are too far away to make the roundtrip worthwhile. Or a combination of things. Some of which I'm can't guess at.
Plus I do do everything badly, for some reason.
which I don't really understand, and never will probably.
J
Posted by Dinah on November 3, 2006, at 9:29:37
In reply to Re: More work, posted by Jost on November 2, 2006, at 17:41:19
You don't do everything badly.
You're just having trouble finding someone who models well.
I don't blame you for being fed up.
Posted by Jost on November 4, 2006, at 0:32:34
In reply to Re: More work » Jost, posted by Dinah on November 3, 2006, at 9:29:37
Thanks, Dinah. I'm not sure about my not doing things badly, but I definitely can't accept the way the models have approached it.
If I push through the dread of people esp. people looking at me as a misfit, or pathetic, I should take classes or at least go to the sketch classes at the Art Students League. Maybe I can find it in myself to do some still life here by myself-- that's hard, but maybe. Vegetables are just I don't know kinda too something-- don't know how to explain.
I hope the Art Students League is the way it used to be-- falling apart, full of hangers-on, down and out people who love art, but are out of place everywhere. I did kind of like that and felt almost at home. but I wasn't me now.
Also it's the new improved ASL now-- so maybe everyone is improved too. Not that there weren't real students, but it was a strange mixture of up and comers and antiquated hulks with rent control apartments and falling-apart lives. And odd people inbetween.
Maybe even taking a painting class. I'd like to start to paint again more. Maybe. Don't know. Maybe I wont be able to do it again.
Right now, the prospect of working with a model on my own pretty much horrifies/depresses me.
But I appreciate your encouragement.
Jost
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2006, at 1:26:58
In reply to Re: More work, posted by Jost on November 4, 2006, at 0:32:34
I understand that. Bad experiences tend to turn me off something too.
You know, I really am afraid of people. I talk a good game, but I'm afraid of people.
Posted by Jost on November 4, 2006, at 22:32:19
In reply to Re: More work » Jost, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2006, at 1:26:58
I'm terrified of people. Don't know if they see me quaking, but I suspect people smell terror a mile off.
I decided not to work with H anymore. So I faxed (to be completely honest, my SigO faxed-- my terror extends to many means of connection with people)-- a flyer (I guess) to a couple of places.
I didn't really know he'd done it-- he just went out of the country for a week, and maybe he was in a particularly thoughtful and focussed mood about this--before leaving. He also bought three large containers of yogurt, a ton of vegetables and even cooked chicken. He knows Ill just run through whatever's in the house-- even if it's just bran flakes and ketchup--rather than shop or cook.
Someone called about the job during the afternoon, He talked to her. He urged me, before he leaving for the airport, to call her-- said she sounded interesting etc.
He knows this is about the last thing I want to do.
So after his plane took off, I did. ugh. what a mess. I was in such a state of panick, my voice was probably cracking, and I kept nervously saying rushed things at each silence.
I didn't ask if she had questions-- or ask her any-- I simply made an appointment for her to come. I think she was somewhat taken aback at my not doing that. I think she expected me to hold forth on my expectations, attitudes, requirements--- or something.
Afterward, I realized, he's going to be away when she comes! duh! It's hard enough for me to do this when he's in town. why did I do that, could someone tell me?
I had two half xanaxes after I got off the phone-- I am so inept, freakishly startled at every turn.
Yuck. (I revert to Yiddish in a crisis.) why did I do that? now she's going to come--and probably thinks I'm bizarrely skittish, incongruous or worse. She mentioned she was somewhere where some of her choreography was being performed. okay, I'm now officially going to hide under the couch.
Jost
Posted by Jost on November 13, 2006, at 16:33:05
In reply to Re: More work, posted by Jost on November 4, 2006, at 22:32:19
Still not going well.
Jost
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2006, at 9:36:41
In reply to Re: More work, posted by Jost on November 13, 2006, at 16:33:05
:(
I hate work.
Posted by Jost on November 26, 2006, at 15:27:44
In reply to Re: More work, posted by Jost on November 13, 2006, at 16:33:05
I am so useless. I can't do anything. It's amazing to me that anyone can be so inept, crappy, uncoordinated, unable to see anything or make the even slightest part of something right.
I don't get it at all.
Jost
Posted by Dinah on November 30, 2006, at 8:04:55
In reply to Re: More work, posted by Jost on November 26, 2006, at 15:27:44
(((Jost)))
I hope you don't mind cyberhugs.
I've never seen you work, so I can't really comment on that with any authority.
But I do know you aren't useless, and that you are a terrific writer with uncommon insight.
I just wanted to say that in case you are generalizing from your frustration with your work. I know I tend to do that sometimes.
Also, and forgive me for I know nothing of art, but I would think that that same insight would lend some depth and coloring to your work?
This is the end of the thread.
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