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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AMD on March 10, 2006, at 11:53:44
Folks,
After four months of being clean, I feel off the wagon Wednesday night a horrible way.
Started as an innocent drink with a friend, who proceeded to go home. Instead of heading home myself, I decided to go out for another. The cab driver offered me some cocaine ... to which I refused, but gave me his number, which I foolishly put into my phone.
One martini later, my fingers were dialing. He picked me up, took me down to a club, and called out his friend who was dealing. I picked up three grams, and was off and running.
This was around midnight. Between then and 11 a.m. yesterday I managed somehow to do who-knows-how-much cocaine; drink myself silly; take two Viagra (?!?); and a Xanax. I also spent -- and this is horrible -- $8500 to spend this time with people who would supply all this alcohol. $8500. Cash. What was I thinking?
The worst part is my girlfriend, whom I love, was appalled, and I've probably lost her for good. She is rightly not wanting this in her life.
But I don't feel like a "drug addict." I just feel like a man with an alcohol problem who hasn't yet gotten it out of control.
The spending, though, makes me worried for my own future. How could I do that?
I want to cry I'm so upset (actually, I did cry yesterday). That's my entire bonus gone in a matter of hours, with nothing to show for it.
I've hit rock bottom.
I've missed two days work, too, after finally archiving some consistency.
On the plus side, if there is one, it's the only slip in several months. But I feel like I've fallen back to square one.
And of course today I feel severely depressed, with no energy, sick, just wanting to sleep my life away.
Am I dead to the world now? I had never done that much cocaine, nor ever taken those two other OTC pills (anything to worry about there, brain/health wise)?
Is this feeling of hell going to go away?
I am soooo sad, I just want to be alone. But I have to kick my *ss into shape by Sunday so I can do some work.
In two or three weeks, will I be back mentally to where I was, or did this effectively erase the past several months?
I need advice and hope. Is therapy the answer? I don't think this is just "AA" solvable. There's something deeper. But I am afraid I'll never be better.
amd
Posted by AuntieMel on March 10, 2006, at 14:12:50
In reply to DISASTER -- all hope lost?, posted by AMD on March 10, 2006, at 11:53:44
>>>But I don't feel like a "drug addict." I just feel like a man with an alcohol problem who hasn't yet gotten it out of control.
>>>The spending, though, makes me worried for my own future. How could I do that?
There is NO difference. A guy 'with a little bit of a drinking problem' doesn't exist. You either have one or you don't.
The only thing behind you and the guy on the street is another few binges like that.
If you don't want to keep spending 8500 at the drop of a hat, just don't take the first one.
And - it's not easy to do. Get help.
Posted by AuntieMel on March 10, 2006, at 14:14:08
In reply to DISASTER -- all hope lost?, posted by AMD on March 10, 2006, at 11:53:44
But, since you asked, as long as you are breathing, there is still hope.
Posted by AMD on March 10, 2006, at 17:13:16
In reply to Re: DISASTER -- all hope lost? » AMD, posted by AuntieMel on March 10, 2006, at 14:14:08
Thanks.
Looking for help. I need something beyond AA, as I feel this is something more than a "drinking problem." (Of course, whose drinking problem doesn't relate to something more?)
It's going to be hard to put myself together, but I'm hoping with some work I'll be able to do it.
For now, I want to focus on getting back to work Monday and putting this behind me.
amd
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 10, 2006, at 22:42:00
In reply to Re: DISASTER -- all hope lost?, posted by AMD on March 10, 2006, at 17:13:16
AMD,
I think you've identified it correctly when you say " I feel this is something more than a "drinking problem."
As soon as you can make a statement like that, you're probably on the right road.
As far as needing more help than AA, I have a couple of questions for you. (I'm not saying that AA is enough or not, just some questions)Do you have a sponsor?
Do you use your sponsor?
Do you have telephone numbers that you can call whenever you need?
Do you read the Big Book?
Have you started the steps?
Do you go regularly and often to meetings?If you do go to a rehab, to get more help, chances are that when you leave, they'll ask you to go to AA.
For AA to work, you have to work the program. It's not easy. For it to work, you have to use the program to it's fullest.
The stakes sound really high in your case. Dropping nearly $10,000 on a single bender isn't child's play. It sounds to me like you're out of control, and like your life's unmanageable.
So, the question I have is this: Are you ready for it to stop? Do you want to stop for good?
If you need rehab, and detox, Please do so. If you're ready to stop this right now, let the program help. Let the program work. We'll be here after rehab or detox if that's what you choose. We're here right now too.
If you don't have a phone number to call ANYTIME, let me know... send me babblemail. I'll give you a number... mine. You can call ANYTIME.
$8500 on booze and drugs is enough to get you to alot of places; jail or worse. I never spent that much, but I have woken up in intensive care. I'm really scared for you my friend (If I may call you that).
So please, if you need a number, send Babblemail. This is what the program is here for. We all have been in the position of doing things without our own permission. When I drank, I would take ANY drug offered to me, whether I knew what it was or not. I would drink when I didn't want to. I would drive when I knew better. I drove once over 100 miles in a blackout. From NH to Cape Cod, through Boston.
This disease makes us do stupid things. Most of the time, we have merely moments of clarity when we can choose what we ought to do. From your description it was when you put that phone number in the phone. How many AA phone numbers do you have in that phone?
If you need a number, if you want another number, just ask me. I'm on your side in this. The next time you feel a need to call for alcohol, or some other substance, maybe when you're searching for the number, you'll go by mine, or another AA friend, and maybe, just maybe, that will give you that fleeting moment that you need to find the clarity you need.
How 'bout putting AA as the first entry in your phone list, and it can call your local or state hotline?
The whole point of AA is getting you to that point where you can think through what you're doing. It could have gone something like this:
Just after you said 'no' to the coke....
If I get his number, I might use it.
If I use his number, I know I'll use.
If I start using, I'll probably spend lots of money.
I'll probably be out of control for the night.
I probably won't be in any shape to go to work the next day.
My Girlfriend will probably be really p***d
I'll feel like trash for losing the time I accumulated.
and on and on and on.....Tell you the truth, that's probably what someone on the other end of the phone would have talked over with you. You'd say "I'm thinking about drinking. etc" I, or someone else would say "and what do you think that will do for you?"
That's what we do for each other. Help think through the consequences.
You're REALLY fortunate right now. It only lasted a day or so. Some of us don't get that lucky. One bender leads into complete abandonment to the disease. Some of us go out for a night that lasts years, or the rest of our lives.
Whatever you do, whether you choose rehab / detox, or not, please, PLEASE, arm yourself. Let the program work. Get some numbers if you don't have them yet. Use them. Tell on your disease. Even if it's a passing thought to use, call your sponsor or somebody. Make it a habbit.... think about booze, call somebody. When you do that, you break the cycle. It becomes easier to say 'no'.
Sorry I'm goin on so long. The other night I thought about using too, and I guess your post hit close to home. I WANT you too succeed. AA's have a vested interest in each other. Success for one of us is success for the group. Your drinking won't make me drink, but your success builds me up.
Anyway, if you need a number, please write. I'll give you my cell and home numbers.
Blessings and prayers,
--Dee
Posted by AMD on March 11, 2006, at 9:36:49
In reply to Some thoughts.... » AMD, posted by deirdrehbrt on March 10, 2006, at 22:42:00
Dee,
Thank you so much for your post.
I feel very depressed right now. I'm not sure if it's from the cocaine or from the regret of having spent all that money -- that was a new one for me, and, basically, I'm in denial about it. Regardless, I'm just praying I am well enough by Monday to make it to work in a state that will allow me to do my job.
My thoughts are very disorganized right now. I've been sleeping for two days. I'm scared to death I'll show up at the office without a job, although that's not likely to happen.
And compounding all this is that I'd spent four months sober. Four months! Now I'm worried I really overdid it this time more than ever before and truly fried my brain after this one night.
I'm miserable.
I'm going to try to get out now and get some coffee, take a walk, but all I feel like doing is sleeping. When will this pass?
It finally hit me -- maybe it was the money -- how much this is ruining my life. It's not a little one-nighter like I like to think the night of (oh, just once a year won't hurt). It's a life-ruining nightmare. And it needs to stop now.
Please do send your numbers. I'll start adding people to my phone I can call next time I get the urge.
amd
Posted by vainamoinen on March 13, 2006, at 18:26:14
In reply to DISASTER -- all hope lost?, posted by AMD on March 10, 2006, at 11:53:44
Kinda sounds like the cocaine may have sent you into a manic episode or aggravated an existing hypomanic state. Sorry, that's probably painfully obvious. But are you on mood stabilizers? Maybe you should be if you aren't.
As far as the Viagra and the blow, wouldn't they counteract one another, the first being a vasodilator and the latter being a vasoconstrictor
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