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DISASTER -- all hope lost?

Posted by AMD on March 10, 2006, at 11:53:44

Folks,

After four months of being clean, I feel off the wagon Wednesday night a horrible way.

Started as an innocent drink with a friend, who proceeded to go home. Instead of heading home myself, I decided to go out for another. The cab driver offered me some cocaine ... to which I refused, but gave me his number, which I foolishly put into my phone.

One martini later, my fingers were dialing. He picked me up, took me down to a club, and called out his friend who was dealing. I picked up three grams, and was off and running.

This was around midnight. Between then and 11 a.m. yesterday I managed somehow to do who-knows-how-much cocaine; drink myself silly; take two Viagra (?!?); and a Xanax. I also spent -- and this is horrible -- $8500 to spend this time with people who would supply all this alcohol. $8500. Cash. What was I thinking?

The worst part is my girlfriend, whom I love, was appalled, and I've probably lost her for good. She is rightly not wanting this in her life.

But I don't feel like a "drug addict." I just feel like a man with an alcohol problem who hasn't yet gotten it out of control.

The spending, though, makes me worried for my own future. How could I do that?

I want to cry I'm so upset (actually, I did cry yesterday). That's my entire bonus gone in a matter of hours, with nothing to show for it.

I've hit rock bottom.

I've missed two days work, too, after finally archiving some consistency.

On the plus side, if there is one, it's the only slip in several months. But I feel like I've fallen back to square one.

And of course today I feel severely depressed, with no energy, sick, just wanting to sleep my life away.

Am I dead to the world now? I had never done that much cocaine, nor ever taken those two other OTC pills (anything to worry about there, brain/health wise)?

Is this feeling of hell going to go away?

I am soooo sad, I just want to be alone. But I have to kick my *ss into shape by Sunday so I can do some work.

In two or three weeks, will I be back mentally to where I was, or did this effectively erase the past several months?

I need advice and hope. Is therapy the answer? I don't think this is just "AA" solvable. There's something deeper. But I am afraid I'll never be better.

amd


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poster:AMD thread:618352
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