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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by James K on February 22, 2006, at 16:58:25
I'm just posting this because it's what I feel right now. I'm supposed to and need to go into a hospital. I haven't yet, for reasons that are probably obvious to everyone. I've been drunk for around 3 weeks, and today is the first day I felt like not hurting myself by pouring alcohol down my throat. I've been very violent in attitude lately. Maybe I will make the phone call tomorrow, if I'm not hungover. rambling.
I don't know what I want or how to get it. I'm not trying to get answers here, but I may post on this thread later if not drinking becomes less important to remind myself. I've been drinking a lot, even by my standards, and I'm worn out. I've always detoxed okay. Does clonazepam help with withdrawal? Like when they give you librium in the hospital? Can I even be physically addicted again this quick, after only 3 weeks, or whatever it has been. I was sober off and on for a while before this period.
I addicted myself on purpose (I mean physically, not like "alcoholics are addicts for life"). I don't know why. I've done it before. I mean like making myself physically dependent on alcohol as opposed to just drinking because I like it and want to. I think it's another form of self harm. But since it was only 3 weeks, not 3 months or so, or years (like when it wasn't done purposefuly) I should be okay with stopping.
If someone reads this, I hope it makes sense to you.
James K
Posted by James K on February 22, 2006, at 21:51:25
In reply to I'm going to try not drinking tonight, posted by James K on February 22, 2006, at 16:58:25
Okay then 5 hours later and nothing interesting happened. So I think I'll try to read a book or something. Then knock myself out early.
James K
Posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 0:02:45
In reply to Re: I'm going to try not drinking tonight » James K, posted by James K on February 22, 2006, at 21:51:25
Interesting experiment. I researched withdrawal syndrome, and the odds seemed far enough off for me to rethink. I have to figure out how low dose long term Welbutrin, in combination with lamictal, clonazepam and ambien would relate into a dt or seizure circumstance. The anti-convulsants should mitigate any seizure risk, but does the long term exposure mitigate their mitigation. I don't even give a crap. there is a kindling effect to withdrawal syndrome, particularly hard ones, and the one I did in December was without medical help and hard. I've had too many to count right now. If I'm going to go delusional, violent, or dead, I need to do it in an inpatient setting.
Or I may cold turkey everything tomorrow, because right now I am in a cold tight fury. If I start breaking things, it will be slow and deliberate.
This beer better kick in quick with some f*cking endorphins or cns depression quick.
Posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 1:27:26
In reply to f*ck this » James K, posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 0:02:45
Just a short time into redrinking, some of my fury has subsided. doesn't mean it wont come back at any second. I've been told and believe right now and must remember. Go in. let them do their thing. If I freak, they are trained. How do I make myself do the right thing tomorrow? I wonder if I left a voicemail right now if it would help tomorrow. I'm going to ponder. this is posted for the world to see, Maybe someone can take an example. Maybe a researcher could use it to get published. Maybe in a week it will move up the page and be archived for all of eternity until I run for public office, or get published. Then I can use it as authentification for the realistic undeniablitive verification of my memorial accuracy. Diversionary tactics will get me nowhere. I think I may make a phone call while my wife is in the other room. The best phone calls are the ones where you don't know what you'll say until someone answers. Novel idea, reach out for help when you feel good. I'll report back.
James K
Posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 1:51:23
In reply to Okay, now were cooking » James K, posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 1:27:26
I just left a voice mail message for the woman who requires to actually speak to me to determine if I actually want to be treated for my mental illness, alcoholism, and self destruction. As far as I know, she is not a doctor, should not have access to my medical records, history, or current situation. But she is the office worker who is the gate keeper. So, I told her I would like to speak to her to determine if fear of acute withdrawal syndrome, sticking knives into my body, and sitting in a chair thinking about killing people oh yeah and willingness and ability to write a big *ss f*cking check is suitable criterea for her to pass my case on to one of the treaters who took care of me 2 years ago when I went into the same damn facility. Of course, all involved failed miserably that go round, or we wouldn't be discussing a second try. I'm going to push somebody so hard, their head puts a hole in the wall. the kind of hole I've left all over the world with my own head. Where was I?
Oh yeah make the f*cking phone call sometime tomorrow. If this doesn't work next try, I'm going to my old strategy of screwing with people.
James K
Posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 2:42:43
In reply to called admission paper shuffler late night » James K, posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 1:51:23
I'm half drunk on some amount I refuse to go into the fridge to check. I'm avoiding liqour, and I buy 2 6 packs at a time. Guiness and Bass mixed is my drink. I hope my next post is how I woke up and arranged admission to a rehab/longterm get well type of place. My intentions are pure. I won't take an atypical antipsychotic, and I won't take crap one from any patient, doc, or tech. But I will take this time to reflect, find the part of me that wants good, for me and others, and be open to things I've scoffed at before.
Oh unblessed be the scoffer, because he shall experience that which he scoffed.
Off to bed. Stomach? hurts. Pride? intact. Eyes? hazy (must take drops)
I hope this experiment in documenting a night of a guy who is struggling is enlightening to someone. It was actually helpful to me. thoughts need release. even if there isn't an understanding human in the room at the moment.
to those who are supporting me, and standing by me, thank you, and I want to make you feel good about the time you spent communicating with me.
If I'm still acting like this in a few days, someone please call me on it. Friends do that too.
James K
Posted by ClearSkies on February 23, 2006, at 7:02:06
In reply to last update » James K, posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 2:42:43
How are you feeling now, James?
I spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out how to safely detox on my own. It always became a moot point as I'd start drinking well again before any withdrawals set in.
When I finally did it, on my own, it was when I'd reached psychological exhaustion. I had no desire to feel better, worse, anything at all. So I just stayed in bed and felt like poop for a week.
Then I joined an outpatient programme. I did not like the director, did not care for her Tough Love (= meanness) approach to sobriety. I went every day and sometimes had a hard time sitting through the 12-step advice going around the table. I held my tongue until the last day of treatment for me, when I walked out of the programme. Two days short of "graduation", no big deal.Anyway, that's what happened with me. Keep us posted.
ClearSkies
Posted by vainamoinen on February 23, 2006, at 11:52:54
In reply to last update » James K, posted by James K on February 23, 2006, at 2:42:43
Dude, (I'm from California can you tell?)
You are playing with fire. Getting physically addicted to alcohol is the last thing in the world you want. People die trying to kick alcohol once they become physically dependent.
Holy bejeebus, you are scaring me. I fear for your life. Think of your family. Check yourself in... today!
Posted by James K on February 24, 2006, at 14:21:52
In reply to Re: last update, posted by vainamoinen on February 23, 2006, at 11:52:54
I wrote this to a friend on an email, and thought I would throw it out here. If you've followed my posts, or more importantly encouraged me and supported me, I feel an update is a fair and honest thing to do. Some of it may not seem correct, but I'm figuring the best I'm able or willing right now.
Okay, I'm going to fill you in on my current plan for myself. It makes the most sense to me at this moment, even though it contradicts most of what I've been saying all along. I'm going to go off of all alcohol. I had 6 beers yesterday, the last about 6 pm. That was a decrease of about half. I'm not going to kick myself or feel guilt if I go against myself on this. I'm quitting welbutrin xl 150, I was originally on 450 months ago. I've now missed two doses. I'm quitting Lamictal 100, I was at one point on 300. I've missed 1 and a half doses so far. I have clonazepam for a 2 weeks or so which I will taper off. I have clonidine for a long time. This will help high blood pressure and some withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes my blood pressure (i guess) is so high, that if i pinch the bridge of my nose, I can feel the distinct vein next to my nose throbbing. Not just a light pulsing, but a hard cord pounding. I have some light weight lunesta to help get some sleep while I do this withdrawal taper process to last a few weeks maybe. And some darvecet (a very light weight opiod type of some kind) that I can get away with one or so a day if needed. (they are my wife's, and she needs some of them for her self).
I'm going to see no doctors, no support groups, or hospitals. I will eat several times a day, and take just the important supplements in moderation. I will force myself outside for a portion of each day. I will listen to good music and force myself to do some reading. I will do some push-up exercise. I've already buzzed my hair off which always helps my self esteem for a couple of days.
I will find some way to get through what may or may not be a difficult process, and if it sucks, I will remind myself that I'm making changes and that can cause bad feelings. When I feel that I am me again, for better or worse, I will go get a part time job and bring back some pride and income. Or, I will walk into a physical or mental health place and be able to display a person, not a list of medications and other people's diagnosis. If things get really bad, I will smoke a high quality cigar. Also, no more psuedoephed.
Right now, I feel pretty good. I slept about 10 hours last night and am cold and a little dazed, but pleasant.
I overthink things, and work myself into states, and I think these are problems of thought, not brain chemistry. I believe my brain will normalize to a tolerable state over time if I leave it alone and don't let the amazing adrenaline rushes I get go through to my mouth or my fists. It is the time of the year for repotting the patio plants, and examining the daily and weekly growth. things are blooming even thought it still gets down to the 40s farenheit sometimes.
The window of opportunity for me to throw myself into some program and institute radical change is closed for now. things would have been different If the powers that be had sprung into action when I presented with bad symptoms when I did. But I realize from today's paper that my city is overwhelmed with the poor, uninsured, and disturbed from another city right now. This way will save us much money, and if something doesn't work out, I've lost nothing in the meantime.
I'm going to try to keep my hates and angers and resentments (who exactly can tell me that a resentment is a wrong thing) and passion and all the so-called negatives that I've been afraid recovery would take away from me. I just won't let them rule me against the other parts of me.
Lots of "I" statements here, because a doctor, pill, program, or person can't really change anything for me (not counting support and reality checks)
It's the first time I've put all those plans in one place. I've only been on this path attitude for about 1 day. Can a moment of clarity also be a moment of insanity? I'll know in the future.
James
Posted by ClearSkies on February 24, 2006, at 21:34:01
In reply to Current State of the Organism, posted by James K on February 24, 2006, at 14:21:52
James, I have tried to get sober, detox and stay sober on my own. I wish that if I could have locked myself in a place with adequate food and water, and a place to rest for an extended length of time, that I would have been successful at this approach.
Much to my Shame (such a familiar word to me) I could never get it all together beyond 5 days at a wack, jkust long enough to start feeling really crappy, wracked with cough, chills, congestion, headaches, sweats, diarreah, nausea, to chuck it all away for a cold beer from the fridge, from which I could graduate up to my martini. Gin and glass kept in the freezer so as to minimize the dilution of the solution.Anyway, I thought if I could get this bit over with, then I'd be able to go in to a programme, free of my chemical freeloaders that had been weighing me down, and get to work on learning how to stay sober and learn tools in how to Live sober.
I think we all find the way to get healthy that will work for us. The standard treatment model of Inpatient, Outpatient, 90 meetings in 90 days to become accustomed to the AA principles, and group therapy, didn't work in its entirety for me. I decided to do the "take what you need and leave the rest" cliche to its literal end. I did bits and parts of the programme. Emerged with 45 days of sobriety and secure in the hope that I could maintain this personal record, for another day at least.
I found a specific support group that I fit well in, and continued working with my therapist and pdoc throughout the entire process.
It has worked for me.Just thought that you might get some ideas from hearing about another's experience.
You know you have our collective support, James, and we offer our cyber shoulders to lean upon for support.ClearSkies
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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