Posted by James K on February 24, 2006, at 14:21:52
In reply to Re: last update, posted by vainamoinen on February 23, 2006, at 11:52:54
I wrote this to a friend on an email, and thought I would throw it out here. If you've followed my posts, or more importantly encouraged me and supported me, I feel an update is a fair and honest thing to do. Some of it may not seem correct, but I'm figuring the best I'm able or willing right now.
Okay, I'm going to fill you in on my current plan for myself. It makes the most sense to me at this moment, even though it contradicts most of what I've been saying all along. I'm going to go off of all alcohol. I had 6 beers yesterday, the last about 6 pm. That was a decrease of about half. I'm not going to kick myself or feel guilt if I go against myself on this. I'm quitting welbutrin xl 150, I was originally on 450 months ago. I've now missed two doses. I'm quitting Lamictal 100, I was at one point on 300. I've missed 1 and a half doses so far. I have clonazepam for a 2 weeks or so which I will taper off. I have clonidine for a long time. This will help high blood pressure and some withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes my blood pressure (i guess) is so high, that if i pinch the bridge of my nose, I can feel the distinct vein next to my nose throbbing. Not just a light pulsing, but a hard cord pounding. I have some light weight lunesta to help get some sleep while I do this withdrawal taper process to last a few weeks maybe. And some darvecet (a very light weight opiod type of some kind) that I can get away with one or so a day if needed. (they are my wife's, and she needs some of them for her self).
I'm going to see no doctors, no support groups, or hospitals. I will eat several times a day, and take just the important supplements in moderation. I will force myself outside for a portion of each day. I will listen to good music and force myself to do some reading. I will do some push-up exercise. I've already buzzed my hair off which always helps my self esteem for a couple of days.
I will find some way to get through what may or may not be a difficult process, and if it sucks, I will remind myself that I'm making changes and that can cause bad feelings. When I feel that I am me again, for better or worse, I will go get a part time job and bring back some pride and income. Or, I will walk into a physical or mental health place and be able to display a person, not a list of medications and other people's diagnosis. If things get really bad, I will smoke a high quality cigar. Also, no more psuedoephed.
Right now, I feel pretty good. I slept about 10 hours last night and am cold and a little dazed, but pleasant.
I overthink things, and work myself into states, and I think these are problems of thought, not brain chemistry. I believe my brain will normalize to a tolerable state over time if I leave it alone and don't let the amazing adrenaline rushes I get go through to my mouth or my fists. It is the time of the year for repotting the patio plants, and examining the daily and weekly growth. things are blooming even thought it still gets down to the 40s farenheit sometimes.
The window of opportunity for me to throw myself into some program and institute radical change is closed for now. things would have been different If the powers that be had sprung into action when I presented with bad symptoms when I did. But I realize from today's paper that my city is overwhelmed with the poor, uninsured, and disturbed from another city right now. This way will save us much money, and if something doesn't work out, I've lost nothing in the meantime.
I'm going to try to keep my hates and angers and resentments (who exactly can tell me that a resentment is a wrong thing) and passion and all the so-called negatives that I've been afraid recovery would take away from me. I just won't let them rule me against the other parts of me.
Lots of "I" statements here, because a doctor, pill, program, or person can't really change anything for me (not counting support and reality checks)
It's the first time I've put all those plans in one place. I've only been on this path attitude for about 1 day. Can a moment of clarity also be a moment of insanity? I'll know in the future.
James
poster:James K
thread:612149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20060205/msgs/612837.html