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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 10:30:33
As if alcohol weren't enough, now I'm doing something else bad and considering doing another bad thing too. I'm so embarassed to admit this but I need to know if anyone else would share their experience with this problem and I need reasons to STOP. Scare me, tell me the horrors that await me if I keep doing it- I know that no good can come from this new habit.
Okay, here's my first shameful secret: I've recently started abusing my Ritalin, and I don't mean just taking too much. I crush it up and snort it like coke. I just want so badly to be out of my head any way I can, and doing the Ritalin that way gives me a brief but intense rush. It hits harder and faster and it's such a relief- for a little while. I KNOW this is bad, but in a way that's part of the attraction- it feels so illicit, feels so much like something a "bad girl" would do, but without technically breaking the law.
Maybe I'm having a late rebellion, the sort of thing I should have done at 16 instead of 30. I think I'm resentful that I was so good for so long and have nothing to show for it except an honors degree from America's snobbiest, most stuck-up university. Fun is a foreign word to me.
I think I might be truly losing it. In a "screw being a good girl" mood I actually called about a job advertisement for an escort service. They requested recent pictures so I e-mailed some and now they want to interview me. It's supposedly "non-sexual" but I know it's probably not. So I must be cracking up to have even read the advertisement, since I'm normally very conservative (bordering on prudish) about things like that. It's as if I'm actually trying to be bad.
I don't understand and I'm scared but fear isn't stopping me from playing with fire.
Any comments or advice would be welcome. I don't think I really want to self destruct, but life right now is so bad that maybe being bad would be an improvement, or at least more interesting.
Thanks in advance for any comments or advice,
Caper
Posted by partlycloudy on October 27, 2004, at 11:17:10
In reply to I think I'm really losing it, posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 10:30:33
Hi, Caper. I think the chance to get into an inpatient programme will do you and your son a world of good. It will allow you to focus on getting better, learning healthier habits, and that in itself will let you be an even better parent for your son. Be glad you have the support system that can assure he's taken care of while you are dedicating your energy towards healing.
It can't be an easy decision to make, but in the long term, everyone will win if you choose to go in for the 28 days.
with best wishes,
pc
Posted by vwoolf on October 27, 2004, at 12:00:38
In reply to I think I'm really losing it, posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 10:30:33
Hi Caper. It sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time at the moment. Can you work out why? Perhaps that 28 day programme might give you the time you need to look at what's going on. I also get involved in self-destructive behaviour from time to time, as if I am trying to prove to myself how bad I am, that I deserve all the bad stuff. Often in my case it seems to take the place of enormous feelings of rage which I can't express.
My therapist keeps telling me to be gentle with myself. I know it is almost impossible, but I have started trying. Are you seeing anyone apart from the people at the AA?
A big hug. VW
Posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 1:42:45
In reply to I think I'm really losing it, posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 10:30:33
Hi Caper
It is good to see you back. Please stay with us.
I too, think the 28 day programme would be the best thing for you and your son. Realising that you don't want to leave him again, this time would be different. You will be doing something for yourself AS WELL as him. Being 10 years old, he probably understands a whole lot more than one realises. Perhaps you could have an honest chat with him about where you are going. Maybe not mentioning alcohol, but just that you need help and this is the best way to get it. The programme would also be able to help you with your abuse of Ritalin. If you have started this only recently, it would be good to nip it in the bud before you become totally addicted. Your little boy needs you and I can see that you desperately want to be there for him. You have already made an important, huge step just by joining AA. It shows your strength and determination to be well. I admire you for that.
I wish you the best. Please let us know what you decide. Would you have access to us whilst being an inpatient?
Sabrina
Posted by Caper on October 28, 2004, at 2:02:17
In reply to Re: I think I'm really losing it, posted by vwoolf on October 27, 2004, at 12:00:38
Partlycloudy and vwoolf,
Thanks for taking the time to advise me about the 28 day program. I think I already knew what the answer would be, but it's just so hard. Hard to leave my son again, especially for so long, and scary to be an inpatient again. Just thinking of the lack of control makes my heart beat faster, even though I've been through it before and know that I can adapt fairly quickly.
It's the first few days I dread the most: they take away all of your things to search (which I understand) but then they give back only what _they_ think you need and they give it back when they get around to it. I once went 3 days before I got _any_ of my things returned. One place even took away my books (which is the worst thing anyone can do to me, books are my refuge and comfort). They said I had to "earn" the right to read! Meanwhile the stupid television was on every single minute of "free time". So I was permitted to watch Jerry Springer and other worthless trash, but could not read The Great Gatsby or re-read Dubliners. I'm ranting again, sorry.
Back to the subject at hand: They have meetings there every night and the counselor and I came to a compromise. I will attend at least one meeting every day until my therapist returns from vacation. Then we will evaluate my progress (or lack thereof) and decide whether or not I'm going to be admitted.
Does that sound reasonable? My drinking is starting to increase again but is still mild in comparison to what it used to be.
Thanks again for answering, and for telling me what I _need_ to hear, not what I _want_ to hear.
Take care of yourselves!
Caper
P.S.-- vwoolf: I relate so much to your comments about rage and feeling "bad". No one would ever guess how much I HATE. Sometimes I can't even name what it is that I hate, I just feel rage. Then I feel guilty and it makes me want to do bad things- partly to hurt the people who make me feel like I'm a devil because of my addiction and partly because I think those people are right and I need to be punished. Sometimes I wish they'd just hit me. Physical pain is so much easier to bear than guilt and shame and fear.
Posted by Caper on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:11
In reply to Re: I think I'm really losing it » Caper, posted by saw on October 28, 2004, at 1:42:45
Thanks for the encouragement. I think I will probably end up in the program. I'm sick of this life of lying and hiding and sneaking.
My son already knows about the alcoholism. I was advised by many therapists to tell him, so I did. He is incredibly judgmental and often tries to act as my jailer- grabs my bags as soon as I get home to search them for alcohol, gets sullen if I have to go anywhere without him, etc. I know it's because he's afraid for me, but it's still very hard to take at times.
If I do admit myself I won't be posting for a while. There's no computer access there. I'm planning to smuggle my cell phone in, but I think my laptop computer is going to have to stay behind *smile*. I'll be here until November 4th though, when my therapist gets back and we make a final decision.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Best wishes,
Caper
Posted by Allen770 on November 1, 2004, at 16:03:23
In reply to Re: I think I'm really losing it » saw, posted by Caper on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:11
"If I do admit myself I won't be posting for a while. There's no computer access there. I'm planning to smuggle my cell phone in, but I think my laptop computer is going to have to stay behind *smile*. I'll be here until November 4th though, when my therapist gets back and we make a final decision."
(A) Is this your "first time" in detox/rehab? I'm going for an intake this Friday afternoon for a rehab centre and might enter it the following Monday (I've not been "in" a residential, 30+ day program since 1986! Many,many detoxes, hospitals, and institutions, but nothing THIS . . . "estranged.")
And I really need and want to "do it." For myself, this time, too!
Posted by saw on November 4, 2004, at 3:25:11
In reply to Re: I think I'm really losing it » saw, posted by Caper on October 28, 2004, at 2:12:11
Please let us know. If we don't hear from you and you are going into hospital for the 28 day program, please know that all my thoughts are with you and that I wish you so much strength. I will be thinking of your boy too.
Good luck, hope to hear from you Caper.
Sabrina
Posted by mattw84 on November 20, 2004, at 1:20:18
In reply to I think I'm really losing it, posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 10:30:33
Well... first off, I have never admitted to being an addict of any drug. History speaks much moreso however -- ie 1 and half years of Herion and several months combining prior with meth. This all was from age 17 to 19. I am now 20, enrolled in college and seeking my MD. When first dx'd (or decided I need some more stims) I was prescribed concerta -- started at 18 mg per day with a months long supply that lasted maybe a week tops. Within that same one month period I was able to convince my T and Doc that the dose should be up to the Concerta Max of 54mg. As it just was 'effective' enough for me.... yea... My parents decided it was time to take a trip, and with my 'new' lifestyle and 'changed' outlook on life they were more than willing to let me watch the .6 million dollar house and take care of our dear sweet dog... but regardless my priorities of figuring out how to 'beat' the time release mechanism of concerta took precedense. I proceeded to snort almost 220mg of concerta (ritalin btw..) daily and only a day before my parents were to return I experience what I can only describe as: extreme (and I mean EXTREME) paranoia. I slept with a .22 pistol that night in my hand with a full clip and my finger on the trigger. The wind sounded like helicopters, and the leaves hitting the roof had convinced me that I would soon be raided. Fortunately for me -- I awoke the next day (maybe day after next?) hugging the .22 with finger on trigger like a teddy-bear at my chest and the barrel pointed right at my throat and through my head... More fortunate that I had not died that night by my ignorance -- was that my parents had decided to stay an extra week in mexico. I was able to fully recoup and thusly save my image... whatever that is worth. I still feel like a horrible shell of and 'ex' addict.
I have:
- Quit smoking cigarettes 3 months past
- Have not smoked weed in more than 1 month
- Have diligently (and responsibly) taken my adderall for 6 months now with no thought of abuseThat is the bright side... on the flip... I still crave heroin daily, listen to Mr. Brownstone by GNR everyday before bed religiously, and wish that I knew where to get some. =( All of which I am far to ashamed of to mention to my new Pdoc; who has seemingly tended to my every need without second guessing my self-dx each time.
As I type (if not already obvious) I have taken 4mg of Xanax XR today, 6mg of clonazepam 2 hours ago, and am currently half way through my new fifth of Cuervo. I should probably post this in a new thread -- but I am quite glad that you asked the question Caper. So thank you much. If anyone would mind.. my email is matthew.warner@pcc.edu , I would much appreciate a link to what I just wrote. I will likely not recall any of this tommorrow, which is my 'routine.' It would be nice to see what I just wrote at a sober moment to reflect on how idiotic I feel now...
Enough with the non-sensible jibberish, I praise the lord that I have found this community. Caper, you have my prayers -- and I hope the future holds remittance from what you have experienced. I clearly have no advice to offer other than what is apparent -- and only that ritalin, while seemingly insignificant, will catch up with you. I know my response ended up a tale of my own horrible experience, but I hope I have given you more perspective. I am sure that the other posts have already informed you of all of this, but I am in no condition to read all of the responses. Fortunately -- I am NEVER TO SICK TO PRAY.
God Bless,
Matt
This is the end of the thread.
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