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I think I'm really losing it

Posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 10:30:33

As if alcohol weren't enough, now I'm doing something else bad and considering doing another bad thing too. I'm so embarassed to admit this but I need to know if anyone else would share their experience with this problem and I need reasons to STOP. Scare me, tell me the horrors that await me if I keep doing it- I know that no good can come from this new habit.

Okay, here's my first shameful secret: I've recently started abusing my Ritalin, and I don't mean just taking too much. I crush it up and snort it like coke. I just want so badly to be out of my head any way I can, and doing the Ritalin that way gives me a brief but intense rush. It hits harder and faster and it's such a relief- for a little while. I KNOW this is bad, but in a way that's part of the attraction- it feels so illicit, feels so much like something a "bad girl" would do, but without technically breaking the law.

Maybe I'm having a late rebellion, the sort of thing I should have done at 16 instead of 30. I think I'm resentful that I was so good for so long and have nothing to show for it except an honors degree from America's snobbiest, most stuck-up university. Fun is a foreign word to me.

I think I might be truly losing it. In a "screw being a good girl" mood I actually called about a job advertisement for an escort service. They requested recent pictures so I e-mailed some and now they want to interview me. It's supposedly "non-sexual" but I know it's probably not. So I must be cracking up to have even read the advertisement, since I'm normally very conservative (bordering on prudish) about things like that. It's as if I'm actually trying to be bad.

I don't understand and I'm scared but fear isn't stopping me from playing with fire.

Any comments or advice would be welcome. I don't think I really want to self destruct, but life right now is so bad that maybe being bad would be an improvement, or at least more interesting.

Thanks in advance for any comments or advice,

Caper


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poster:Caper thread:407871
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20041013/msgs/407871.html