Posted by Caper on October 28, 2004, at 2:02:17
In reply to Re: I think I'm really losing it, posted by vwoolf on October 27, 2004, at 12:00:38
Partlycloudy and vwoolf,
Thanks for taking the time to advise me about the 28 day program. I think I already knew what the answer would be, but it's just so hard. Hard to leave my son again, especially for so long, and scary to be an inpatient again. Just thinking of the lack of control makes my heart beat faster, even though I've been through it before and know that I can adapt fairly quickly.
It's the first few days I dread the most: they take away all of your things to search (which I understand) but then they give back only what _they_ think you need and they give it back when they get around to it. I once went 3 days before I got _any_ of my things returned. One place even took away my books (which is the worst thing anyone can do to me, books are my refuge and comfort). They said I had to "earn" the right to read! Meanwhile the stupid television was on every single minute of "free time". So I was permitted to watch Jerry Springer and other worthless trash, but could not read The Great Gatsby or re-read Dubliners. I'm ranting again, sorry.
Back to the subject at hand: They have meetings there every night and the counselor and I came to a compromise. I will attend at least one meeting every day until my therapist returns from vacation. Then we will evaluate my progress (or lack thereof) and decide whether or not I'm going to be admitted.
Does that sound reasonable? My drinking is starting to increase again but is still mild in comparison to what it used to be.
Thanks again for answering, and for telling me what I _need_ to hear, not what I _want_ to hear.
Take care of yourselves!
Caper
P.S.-- vwoolf: I relate so much to your comments about rage and feeling "bad". No one would ever guess how much I HATE. Sometimes I can't even name what it is that I hate, I just feel rage. Then I feel guilty and it makes me want to do bad things- partly to hurt the people who make me feel like I'm a devil because of my addiction and partly because I think those people are right and I need to be punished. Sometimes I wish they'd just hit me. Physical pain is so much easier to bear than guilt and shame and fear.
poster:Caper
thread:407871
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20041013/msgs/408240.html