Posted by mattw84 on November 20, 2004, at 1:20:18
In reply to I think I'm really losing it, posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 10:30:33
Well... first off, I have never admitted to being an addict of any drug. History speaks much moreso however -- ie 1 and half years of Herion and several months combining prior with meth. This all was from age 17 to 19. I am now 20, enrolled in college and seeking my MD. When first dx'd (or decided I need some more stims) I was prescribed concerta -- started at 18 mg per day with a months long supply that lasted maybe a week tops. Within that same one month period I was able to convince my T and Doc that the dose should be up to the Concerta Max of 54mg. As it just was 'effective' enough for me.... yea... My parents decided it was time to take a trip, and with my 'new' lifestyle and 'changed' outlook on life they were more than willing to let me watch the .6 million dollar house and take care of our dear sweet dog... but regardless my priorities of figuring out how to 'beat' the time release mechanism of concerta took precedense. I proceeded to snort almost 220mg of concerta (ritalin btw..) daily and only a day before my parents were to return I experience what I can only describe as: extreme (and I mean EXTREME) paranoia. I slept with a .22 pistol that night in my hand with a full clip and my finger on the trigger. The wind sounded like helicopters, and the leaves hitting the roof had convinced me that I would soon be raided. Fortunately for me -- I awoke the next day (maybe day after next?) hugging the .22 with finger on trigger like a teddy-bear at my chest and the barrel pointed right at my throat and through my head... More fortunate that I had not died that night by my ignorance -- was that my parents had decided to stay an extra week in mexico. I was able to fully recoup and thusly save my image... whatever that is worth. I still feel like a horrible shell of and 'ex' addict.
I have:
- Quit smoking cigarettes 3 months past
- Have not smoked weed in more than 1 month
- Have diligently (and responsibly) taken my adderall for 6 months now with no thought of abuseThat is the bright side... on the flip... I still crave heroin daily, listen to Mr. Brownstone by GNR everyday before bed religiously, and wish that I knew where to get some. =( All of which I am far to ashamed of to mention to my new Pdoc; who has seemingly tended to my every need without second guessing my self-dx each time.
As I type (if not already obvious) I have taken 4mg of Xanax XR today, 6mg of clonazepam 2 hours ago, and am currently half way through my new fifth of Cuervo. I should probably post this in a new thread -- but I am quite glad that you asked the question Caper. So thank you much. If anyone would mind.. my email is matthew.warner@pcc.edu , I would much appreciate a link to what I just wrote. I will likely not recall any of this tommorrow, which is my 'routine.' It would be nice to see what I just wrote at a sober moment to reflect on how idiotic I feel now...
Enough with the non-sensible jibberish, I praise the lord that I have found this community. Caper, you have my prayers -- and I hope the future holds remittance from what you have experienced. I clearly have no advice to offer other than what is apparent -- and only that ritalin, while seemingly insignificant, will catch up with you. I know my response ended up a tale of my own horrible experience, but I hope I have given you more perspective. I am sure that the other posts have already informed you of all of this, but I am in no condition to read all of the responses. Fortunately -- I am NEVER TO SICK TO PRAY.
God Bless,
Matt
poster:mattw84
thread:407871
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20041013/msgs/418165.html