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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Caper on October 26, 2004, at 13:58:23
To Impermenance: Long time since I've been on the site or heard from you. I'm relieved to know you are alive and still able to type! Hang in there.
To partlycloudy: Hope you're still around and doing well.
To everyone: I ran away (again!), on 5 hours notice. I was asked "Why don't you come visit?" and I said "okay!". About 6 hours later I was 5 states away from my family. What was I THINKING??? I have no clue. At least I ran to family, but still....I can't help wondering over and over....what the hell was I thinking? I don't remember. All I knew was that particular moment in time, and at that moment I wanted OUT of my life and damn the consequences.
As far as staying sober, Impermenance....my mom (I'm American remember, so I don't call her mum *smile*) would like to strangle me I'm sure. In lucid moments I think she has the right to want to do that, but other times I can't help but think "It's your &^%$! genetics that got me here, plus your refusal to SEE me....see me depressed at age 7, starving myself to death at 15, drinking myself to death at 30. All you saw, all you wanted to see, was the good girl I moved heaven and earth to be because you had enough on your hands with my two unhealthy siblings. Well, the good girl role sucks and I'm not playing it anymore!" Then of course I feel guilty for those thoughts and guilty for dodging the bullet and being healthy while my siblings are sick through no fault of their own.
*sigh*Sorry for the rant. I am doing better regarding the alcohol, but am not truly sober. I went to my first "real" AA meeting last night. I say "real" because the others were while I was hospitalized during detox.
Anyway, it was a "beginners meeting" and it was very laid back, but at the same time it was also very intense. It was informal, just an open discussion...but the stories I heard from people who spoke broke my heart and often touched a nerve. I had to bite my tongue until it bled and dig my fingernails into my arm to keep from crying.
But I am going to try to go again tonight. I'm hoping to do that "90 meetings in 90 days" that everyone advises. I've avoided it for so long and avoidance has gotten me nowhere. Might as well give it a shot, don't you think?
I've recently developed another bad habit I'll address in another post.
I wish you all well.
Love, Caper
Posted by partlycloudy on October 26, 2004, at 14:57:43
In reply to Back again- how are you all? I'm not so good., posted by Caper on October 26, 2004, at 13:58:23
caper, i'm glad you got home. the meetings will really help you, give you structure now. for all i "talk down" AA, i know it's such a help to so many people. it helped me at the time, too.
i am off work after screaming at a vice president on the phone last week. seems my hormones are playing horrible games with me. so i begged a sick leave of absence for 8 weeks to get myself sorted out.
give yourself a big hug for me. (btw, impermanence is blocked again :( )
Posted by antigua on October 26, 2004, at 15:16:40
In reply to Back again- how are you all? I'm not so good., posted by Caper on October 26, 2004, at 13:58:23
I'm hapy to see you back again and to know that you are safe.
Hang in there, you CAN make it. You have to believe it.
antigua
Posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 9:54:17
In reply to Re: Back again- how are you all? I'm not so good. » Caper, posted by partlycloudy on October 26, 2004, at 14:57:43
Hi partlycloudy and antigua,
It's nice hearing from you again and knowing you are both still around.
partly cloudy, I'm glad you have an employer who is willing to give you some time to get things together. Please take care of yourself.
antigua and partlycloudy, thanks so much for the encouragement and just taking the time to reply to my ramblings.
Speaking of ramblings, I'm going to do some more right now. I'm sort of in a quandary and would love some honest input from you two and anyone else who reads this.
So, here it comes....
As far as AA goes, I went to another meeting last night. It was held at a 28 day inpatient program and I found out they have meetings every night. I felt surprisingly comfortable there, maybe because I've spent so much time in detox- sometimes 3 days, sometimes more. So that's the good news.....
The bad news is that after the meeting one of the counselors there talked to me and thinks I need to go there as an inpatient. That would be okay with me except that it would mean leaving my son AGAIN. I'd only get one visit a week with him. I can't decide what to do. I know the best thing for him is for me to get better for good, but he's already had to deal with me running off (in a manic state) three times in the past few months- I'm afraid of making him feel even more....I don't know the right word....uncertain? abandoned? like I don't care about him?
I DO care; I love him to death and have given up so much (willingly) to do what’s best for him. I was always able to do the best for him until the alcohol got me. I’m not abusive or belligerent or negligent when I’m drinking or anything like that (it’s sort of funny- no one ever knows when I’m drinking- they accuse me when I’m NOT and praise my “progress” when I’m drunk as hell. *sigh*) but drinking has put my life on hold and I’m starting to doubt whether I’ll ever get over it. I’m drinking less, but still drinking and now I’ve added another bad habit too, which I’ll discuss in a separate post.
So, I’m asking: Do I just try to continue my meds and therapy and AA every day or do I go to the 28 day rehab? Would it be selfish to go? If I go, my son will be well taken care of by my parents and my siblings, but there’s no substitute for one’s mother. I want to begin earning his trust back, and I’m not sure which option would be best. (He’s 10 years old, by the way.)
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Caper
Posted by antigua on October 30, 2004, at 12:03:47
In reply to don't know what to do, posted by Caper on October 27, 2004, at 9:54:17
That's a really tough call. I certainly understand it. Thursday night my T wanted me to go in the hospital but I wouldn't for the very same reasons. I was worried about the effect on my kids and husband. They wouldn't see it as me getting better, they would see it as a confusing abandonment.
I didn't go and I'm fighting it out at home by myself. (I literally didn't get out of bed yesterday at all). It's working, but it's dangerous.
I would have liked to have gone to the hospital but I thought it was selfish. Sometimes we have to be selfish, though. Only you know where the line is--whether you are so close to the edge that if you don't go, the consequences will be even worse.
Maybe you could sit down and have a really good talk w/your son... he's 10 and knows a lot more than you may realize. If you know he would be safe and taken care, you could feel comfortable leaving him. Find out what his concerns are and help alleviate them.
Checking in to a place where you felt comfortable could do you a world of good. It would give you the jump start that you might need. If you can think long-term, this is probably a great opportunity for you to make progress.
Kind of sounds like do as I say, not as I do, but I think you get the point. If I feel there is no other option to keeping myself safe, I will go to the hospital.
best,
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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