Posted by Caper on October 26, 2004, at 13:58:23
To Impermenance: Long time since I've been on the site or heard from you. I'm relieved to know you are alive and still able to type! Hang in there.
To partlycloudy: Hope you're still around and doing well.
To everyone: I ran away (again!), on 5 hours notice. I was asked "Why don't you come visit?" and I said "okay!". About 6 hours later I was 5 states away from my family. What was I THINKING??? I have no clue. At least I ran to family, but still....I can't help wondering over and over....what the hell was I thinking? I don't remember. All I knew was that particular moment in time, and at that moment I wanted OUT of my life and damn the consequences.
As far as staying sober, Impermenance....my mom (I'm American remember, so I don't call her mum *smile*) would like to strangle me I'm sure. In lucid moments I think she has the right to want to do that, but other times I can't help but think "It's your &^%$! genetics that got me here, plus your refusal to SEE me....see me depressed at age 7, starving myself to death at 15, drinking myself to death at 30. All you saw, all you wanted to see, was the good girl I moved heaven and earth to be because you had enough on your hands with my two unhealthy siblings. Well, the good girl role sucks and I'm not playing it anymore!" Then of course I feel guilty for those thoughts and guilty for dodging the bullet and being healthy while my siblings are sick through no fault of their own.
*sigh*Sorry for the rant. I am doing better regarding the alcohol, but am not truly sober. I went to my first "real" AA meeting last night. I say "real" because the others were while I was hospitalized during detox.
Anyway, it was a "beginners meeting" and it was very laid back, but at the same time it was also very intense. It was informal, just an open discussion...but the stories I heard from people who spoke broke my heart and often touched a nerve. I had to bite my tongue until it bled and dig my fingernails into my arm to keep from crying.
But I am going to try to go again tonight. I'm hoping to do that "90 meetings in 90 days" that everyone advises. I've avoided it for so long and avoidance has gotten me nowhere. Might as well give it a shot, don't you think?
I've recently developed another bad habit I'll address in another post.
I wish you all well.
Love, Caper
poster:Caper
thread:407501
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20041013/msgs/407501.html