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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by antigua on September 8, 2004, at 7:41:27
In reply to Where did I put that wagon?, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 7:21:14
You are NOT a pig. Quitting is a process--you move forward, slide back and then move forward again. It's not a matter of how much you want to be better. If wishes were horses... (how does that expression go?)
Try to pick yourself up and face another day. Don't beat yourself up over what happened yesterday. Try not to let the shame get in the way.
If I can be of any help, or just listen, please let me know.
antigua
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 8:09:35
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon?, posted by antigua on September 8, 2004, at 7:41:27
I don't deserve a friend like you today.
Posted by saw on September 8, 2004, at 8:47:10
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon? » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 8:09:35
Know what you are going through. You deserve life and love and more friends than you could possibly be friends with. Wish I could be there for you but something made me very sorry for myself.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 9:23:58
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon?, posted by saw on September 8, 2004, at 8:47:10
Posted by saw on September 8, 2004, at 9:52:25
In reply to RU OK? What happened? (nm) » saw, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 9:23:58
Huge case of self pity. Wanting to be a part of the close friendship I see here and feeling like an outsider. Maybe also an attempt to try and limit the amount of time I spend here feeling useless and worthless. Blah
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 10:00:02
In reply to Re: RU OK? What happened? » partlycloudy, posted by saw on September 8, 2004, at 9:52:25
...that you're a true Babbler. We all feel like square pegs in round holes. I have more self pity than you today, so there!!
What astounds me is how generous the people are here, and how long some of them have been posting.
And just so you know, I started posting almost a year ago. I lurked for a long time and felt like the kid looking inside the candy store window.
What I found here is that the more you share, the more you get back. And also it's important that we realize that if one of our posts doesn't get a reply, it doesn't mean it wasn't worth posting! Sometimes a new post gets lost in the midst of a busy Babble day.
(BTW, I consider US friends, friend.)
hugs to you, Sabrina.
Posted by verne on September 8, 2004, at 10:21:31
In reply to Where did I put that wagon?, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 7:21:14
I lost my wagon too. Something happened yesterday, or maybe, nothing happened, so it was reason to drink.
Don't beat yourself up. When I'm feeling down, I try to remember I have an illness and have a right to "belong". Sometimes I feel so worthless I apologize for breathing.
Hope you feel better soon.
Verne
Posted by antigua on September 8, 2004, at 11:58:32
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon? » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 8:09:35
Au contraire, you have been very helpful to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Drinking came up in therapy today (you must have been on my mind) and my T offered a whole other perspective that wouldn't have ever occurred to me. She said drinking was a way to identify w/my mother. A negative identification is better than none at all, she says. And here I always thought it was identification w/my father!
As is true w/so many people, my relationship w/my mother is very complicated. She doesn't know "me" and I'm always the perfect daughter. I would never confront or cross her because of abandonment issues. I know there's a lot of anger over her not protecting me when I was a child and I guess I'm going to have to deal with that.
Also, I work hard on creating non-destructive coping mechanisms, but I can't seem to find any self-sustaining ones. I never learned so in a crisis I always fall back on bad habits.
It's a rainy, gloomy day here today, but since the kids have finally gone back to school I have the day for my own needs (i.e., work!)
I dreamed about mallomars last night--do you know those cookies? They are my ultimate comfort food. If I had a box (they don't sell them here during the warm months) I would give half to you.
best,
antigua
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 12:13:24
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon?, posted by antigua on September 8, 2004, at 11:58:32
Thanks, Antigua. I have abandonment issues with my mother too. My dad taught me how to drink. When I was 5, he had me suck the foam off his cans of beer as he'd watch Hockey Night in Canada. A fine family tradition. He was a professional right up until his death at age 53. My EMDR therapist wants me to make a list of the things I would do if I didn't drink. *sigh* I wish this was a CHOICE. It doesn't feel like a CHOICE. It feels like a compulsion, like I'm afraid to spend time with myself straight. I hope to get to the bottom of this, or I doubt I'll ever be well.
Posted by justyourlaugh on September 8, 2004, at 15:13:28
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon? » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 12:13:24
i have an uncracked bottle of white rum in the cupboard..
20 beer in the fridge(counted them this morning)
how can i stop them from calling me...
c would kill me if i dumped it.
i feel so broken
my wagon has no wheels
j
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 15:25:48
In reply to the fridge is calling out to me..., posted by justyourlaugh on September 8, 2004, at 15:13:28
That would be a toboggan...
I'm so sick I don't touch the stuff in the fridge but go out and buy my own, then get rid of the evidence. No wonder I hate myself.
Posted by antigua on September 8, 2004, at 15:35:10
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon? » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 12:13:24
Hey, that sounds perfectly normal to me. Doesn't everyone behave that way? It's the hiding that I hate so much, probably because it's another "secret" I carry with me.
My father taught me to drink too. Actually, I'm pretty sure he plied me w/alcohol at a very young age so that when I had my first sip as a teenager I clearly remember it as coming home. Comfort all the way.
I'd be interested to see what you come up w/EMDR and drinking. Ever since you mentioned it, I've thought about talking to my T about it. Does your T really think it could help? That would be wonderful--almost the magic bullet, but I know what I want is probably more than what the therapy can deliver.
antigua
P.S. my father made it to 63; he quit before bypass surgery four years before. Like my mother, he just quit, so there's this idea of weakness of character in our family if you just can't quit. Another thing to feel guilty about.
Posted by justyourlaugh on September 8, 2004, at 17:05:16
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon? » partlycloudy, posted by antigua on September 8, 2004, at 15:35:10
mine insisted i drink beer with him on a day pass from the hospital.?
he only likes me when he was drinking
he only is happy when he was drinking
i cant speak to him unless i am drunk
j
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 18:35:14
In reply to daddies » antigua, posted by justyourlaugh on September 8, 2004, at 17:05:16
That was my daddy too. He would only come to my defense from my siblings when he was plastered. When I learned how to drive, he was elated - he had me drop him off at an exotic bar, then come back to get him several hours later. I remember sitting in one place with my back to the stage so I wouldn't see anything, and drinking Brown Cows. Then a lady with pasties on her breasts came over and asked my dad if this was the daughter he always raved about. It made me so proud in an incredibly sick way.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 18:36:05
In reply to Re: Where did I put that wagon? » partlycloudy, posted by antigua on September 8, 2004, at 15:35:10
With no great hopes but we'll see what muck it dredges up.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 19:24:29
In reply to I'm trying it on Monday evening. » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 18:36:05
Hello, Freud?
Posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 7:41:28
In reply to Almost said I'm TYING it on Monday night, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 19:24:29
Don't you love those slips of the keyboard?
So how did it go? Please post no matter what; we're your friends and care.
antigua
Posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 7:43:32
In reply to I'm trying it on Monday evening. » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 8, 2004, at 18:36:05
Did you mean next Monday night? If so please disregard my above post. Do you have a plan of what to do to keep yourself occupied?
antigua
Posted by partlycloudy on September 9, 2004, at 10:21:08
In reply to Wait... » partlycloudy, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 7:43:32
No, I'm just experiencing my first serious setback in months. I talked to my T yesterday and the parallels between my drinking in secret and some of the eating disorders other suffer from are alarming. I asked her what the success rate was, for example, of treating bulemics, and she said it was poor.
During my alone time I don't want to be with myself. I jump feet first into a bottle and there's my grand escape. Last night was red wine (and it was on sale!!) instead of supper. All the evidence is already in the dumpster. Husband comes home from Georgia this morning. He knows I do this when he's gone but doesn't know how to help me.
I feel like I'm swimming upstream like a darn salmon, getting beat up on the rocks along the way.
(And the reference to Monday is my next EMDR appt is on the 13th.)
Thanks, antigua.
Posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:59:47
In reply to Re: Wait... » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 9, 2004, at 10:21:08
I understand about the connection w/bulimia; I'm very familiar w/it--drink or throw up, either way get rid of IT, the feelings, the pain, etc. Problem is when all these self-desructive coping skills are jumbled together, it just makes a much huger, unmanageable problem, which creates problems w/my family, etc.
I'm truly surprised that the father forcing alcohol on the daughter happened to other people. I know that sounds silly, but I thought it was just me. I hate him for giving me that hungering thirst that can't be quenched--because it's really love, respect or not being abandoned. It's not so much the substance, but how willing I am to do anything to not feel.
I have no clue how to create constructive coping mechanisms to replace the self destructive habits.
antigua
Posted by partlycloudy on September 9, 2004, at 14:50:04
In reply to More..., posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 12:59:47
I used to refer to my drinking as an inappropriate coping mechanism. I know that it's lack of self love at the heart of it. How do you teach yourself that you're deserving of peace and contentment? No matter how many times my husband tells me he loves me, I think - how can he? When will the scales fall from his eyes and he realizes he is trapped with me?
Posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 16:30:08
In reply to This must be a universal problem » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 9, 2004, at 14:50:04
Good points, but perhaps your husband does see you clearly and loves you the way you are. He's your second husband, right? Well, sounds like he sees you as you are and is willing to make it safe for you, but you don't trust that he will love you the same way if he sees all your flaws (that is, if you have any flaws--only teasing). I've been married and connected to the same man for most of my life, ever since I was a teenager. We grew up together. As hard as things get, I know he loves me, but there is a point that he will back up if I totally screw up, particularily with the children. But I trust him and know if push comes to shove he would help me in any way he could. Problem is, he often doesn't know how to help. He feels helpless a lot, but he has problems of his own too. Is your husband perfect? Sometimes mine thinks he is, which can make me feel pretty low. (He's not perfect, though!) I am the designated person in the household with "problems" and that lets him off the hook, which isn't really fair.
just rambling,
antigua
Posted by Fred23 on September 9, 2004, at 17:51:07
In reply to This must be a universal problem » antigua, posted by partlycloudy on September 9, 2004, at 14:50:04
> How do you teach yourself that you're deserving of peace and contentment?
My idea is that if the "right" benzo is found, some sort of peace will be there, and that benzo induced feeling is nicer than alcohol's, so that alcohol will seem less appealing.
Posted by justyourlaugh on September 9, 2004, at 18:13:14
In reply to Re: This must be a universal problem » partlycloudy, posted by antigua on September 9, 2004, at 16:30:08
i find when i am down i cant think positively
the world hates me
that includes hubby
depression and paranoia cant alter the most secure relationship..
espeicially the one we have with ourselvesjyl
Posted by partlycloudy on September 9, 2004, at 20:58:44
In reply to ant...., posted by justyourlaugh on September 9, 2004, at 18:13:14
So true, jyl. Like I'm sabotaging the most important relationship in my life - with my own self.
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