![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 30, 2004, at 19:57:34
Just curious. I have not kept sober, but I have managed to not black out recently. Not exactly progress, but I try not to beat myself up too badly on this - I do such a great job beating myself up otherwise...
And is Impermanence getting some in-patient treatment, do you know?best fishes,
pc
Posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 0:44:18
In reply to Caper, how are you these days?, posted by partlycloudy on June 30, 2004, at 19:57:34
So good to hear from you. I had computer difficulties for a while, so that's why I wasn't posting. I was wondering about your progress as well when I couldn't log in here.
I'm glad to hear you're not blacking out. Not blacking out can only be considered progress as far as I'm concerned. And keep trying to not beat yourself up. I'll make you a deal-- you try to be (in your thoughts) as kind to yourself as you have been to me, and I'll try to be kinder to myself as well. You already know I think you're an intelligent, classy, good-hearted, insightful woman. And not to get sappy or anything, but you really have helped me so much already- just knowing I'm not alone. Others have helped too, but somehow I feel a particularly strong connection to you.
Okay, as far as how I'm doing....still drinking, but tapering. My therapist told me yesterday, "A good trick is to just keep using smaller and smaller glasses for your wine, when you get so uncomfortable that you can't stop yourself from having some" and I was already doing that and she was so pleased, so I feel a little hopeful. I've decided I can't take the lack of control in a hospital setting. It hasn't worked so far. I feel so trapped and so guilty about leaving my son that I just want out out out as soon as I get there. (But maybe I want out to drink too at least partly- I'm not sure.) But anyway I'm tapering on my own and I have a bit of valium that I'll use in a day or two when the wine is completely gone and I'm not drinking at all.
But I'm nervous. As far as getting completely sober, I have an incredibly important reason to do so.
My child's father has recently been pushing hard for a meeting with my son (OUR son biologically, but MY son in my head and heart *smile*). So we're meeting up in about ten days. This will be the first time they've ever met and I hope this has given me the final push to really stick it out and reach sobriety. I need a clear head to make sure I protect my son from whatever comes of this meeting. Also need a clear head to keep from being nasty and reminding his "father" that ten years ago he gave me a choice: our year and a half long relationship or "it" (the baby).
So....I'm getting better. Not better all the way yet of course, but there's no better reason to really kick this habit than the impulse to protect my child.
Sorry for the venting...that was more than I intended to say but I'm just so nervous!
Regarding Impermenance, I don't know but I hope that's where he is. Your post was the first I saw when I logged in today and I answered you right away, but I'm hoping to see something from him here soon if he is not in inpatient treatment.
Keep me posted on your progress please. It makes my day sometimes to see a post from you.
Take care of yourself,
Caper
P.S. So what about my deal I mentioned above....want to give it a try?
> Just curious. I have not kept sober, but I have managed to not black out recently. Not exactly progress, but I try not to beat myself up too badly on this - I do such a great job beating myself up otherwise...
> And is Impermanence getting some in-patient treatment, do you know?
>
> best fishes,
> pc
Posted by partlycloudy on July 8, 2004, at 7:13:02
In reply to Re: Caper, how are you these days? » partlycloudy, posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 0:44:18
(((Caper))) I'm sure you'll be clear headed for your meeting. I hope it goes well for everyone. I imagine it will help to close a circle in your son's life, and perhaps he and his dad will be able to have a relationship of their own. (He'll ALWAYS be your baby, though!!)
I have been working on this being easier on myself in therapy and in EMDR treatments. I'm doing the "easy" stuff now - being more confident at work in my abilities - and I know that the drinking is a direct reflection of my self image. So, I have been doing my homework. My husband is going away to visit his daughter up north this weekend, so it's my most dangerous time. It's helping me to work on improving little bits at a time. For instance, I joined a gym (!!!!) and I can't believe I can pull it off. Paying someone else money is a good incentive for me to use their services :)
I do seem to have turned a corner in the recovery from depression and anxiety. The drinking, so far, I have kept out of the equation. I know it's a really big deal for me to face. For me to be able to restrict it enough so I don't black out has been a good thing.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 8, 2004, at 7:22:32
In reply to Re: Caper, how are you these days?, posted by partlycloudy on July 8, 2004, at 7:13:02
I know for a fact that I use alcohol to offset my acute loneliness. The isolation I feel goes back to my very earliest memories; an indifferent mom, living in a neighbourhood where us anglo kids weren't allowed to play with the french or italian ones (this was in Montreal). Add in moving at criticial times during my social development, and you have a woman who is not used to enjoy being with other people, and expects to be shunned as I have in the past. Alcohol numbs all that pain and takes me out of the environment.
It's not that I'm afraid of meeting new people - I worked in sales (!!) for many years - but I don't believe that I'm worthy of friendship.
Wow, too much information here from me, Caper. We set off little triggers for each other in opening up about out situations. That is a very good thing, and I'm very happy to have someone to share this journey with.
Together we can only be stronger.
Posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 16:50:32
In reply to Darn I keep posting before I'm finished!!, posted by partlycloudy on July 8, 2004, at 7:22:32
I'm so glad you're feeling more positive and taking things one at a time so you don't get quite so overwhelmed.
You mentioned moving a lot while growing up. That's another thing we have in common. (The list just keeps growing doesn't it? *smile*) I was also bounced around during childhood. My father is in the military so we moved every 2 or 3 years. Not a good thing for a shy girl like me. For so long "friends" was a word that didn't apply to me; friends were something others had.
I'll be thinking of you and sending mental good wishes during your upcoming danger time when your husband is away.
I might have told you this already, I can't remember, but joining a gym is a GREAT thing. I like treadmills, stairmasters and things like that because it gives me a healthy form of oblivion- or I guess I should say a healthy way to just sort of zone out and let my mind wander when it's sober. But I also recently took up weights. Just 8lb dumbells, and it's only about a 20 minute routine but I highly recommend any physical exercise. It makes me feel stronger mentally and physically, and when I'm done I don't want to "spoil" the good I've just done by drinking that poison we call alcohol.
And as far as too much information? You couldn't give me too much if you tried. We obviously do have some kind of connection and I'm very grateful to have you to talk with as well.
Take care of yourself.
Caper
> I know for a fact that I use alcohol to offset my acute loneliness. The isolation I feel goes back to my very earliest memories; an indifferent mom, living in a neighbourhood where us anglo kids weren't allowed to play with the french or italian ones (this was in Montreal). Add in moving at criticial times during my social development, and you have a woman who is not used to enjoy being with other people, and expects to be shunned as I have in the past. Alcohol numbs all that pain and takes me out of the environment.
>
> It's not that I'm afraid of meeting new people - I worked in sales (!!) for many years - but I don't believe that I'm worthy of friendship.
>
> Wow, too much information here from me, Caper. We set off little triggers for each other in opening up about out situations. That is a very good thing, and I'm very happy to have someone to share this journey with.
>
> Together we can only be stronger.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 9, 2004, at 17:40:03
In reply to to partly cloudy » partlycloudy, posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 16:50:32
Did you call that person's phone number you mentioned further up?? How did it go? It would be fantastic if AA was the route for you.
Posted by Caper on July 9, 2004, at 19:04:46
In reply to Hey, Caper, posted by partlycloudy on July 9, 2004, at 17:40:03
> Did you call that person's phone number you mentioned further up?? How did it go? It would be fantastic if AA was the route for you.
>*guilty look*
No, I chickened out, and now it's 8pm here so it's too late and....
Okay I'm rationalizing like crazy, I admit it. *smile* But I will call her tomorrow. Really.
Thanks for the gentle "push". I needed it.
Hope you're well. Take care.
Caper
Posted by partlycloudy on July 15, 2004, at 7:08:51
In reply to Re: Hey, Caper » partlycloudy, posted by Caper on July 9, 2004, at 19:04:46
I really liked your post on the meds board and you were right on target. I'm at my most vulnerable right now as my husband is out of town. I've managed not to get blotto or black out. I guess that's progress?? I'm so tired of beating myself up over drinking. It sure does make the time pass, though.
It sounds like you're doing pretty well. Take care,
pc
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Substance Use | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.