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Re: Caper, how are you these days? » partlycloudy

Posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 0:44:18

In reply to Caper, how are you these days?, posted by partlycloudy on June 30, 2004, at 19:57:34

So good to hear from you. I had computer difficulties for a while, so that's why I wasn't posting. I was wondering about your progress as well when I couldn't log in here.

I'm glad to hear you're not blacking out. Not blacking out can only be considered progress as far as I'm concerned. And keep trying to not beat yourself up. I'll make you a deal-- you try to be (in your thoughts) as kind to yourself as you have been to me, and I'll try to be kinder to myself as well. You already know I think you're an intelligent, classy, good-hearted, insightful woman. And not to get sappy or anything, but you really have helped me so much already- just knowing I'm not alone. Others have helped too, but somehow I feel a particularly strong connection to you.

Okay, as far as how I'm doing....still drinking, but tapering. My therapist told me yesterday, "A good trick is to just keep using smaller and smaller glasses for your wine, when you get so uncomfortable that you can't stop yourself from having some" and I was already doing that and she was so pleased, so I feel a little hopeful. I've decided I can't take the lack of control in a hospital setting. It hasn't worked so far. I feel so trapped and so guilty about leaving my son that I just want out out out as soon as I get there. (But maybe I want out to drink too at least partly- I'm not sure.) But anyway I'm tapering on my own and I have a bit of valium that I'll use in a day or two when the wine is completely gone and I'm not drinking at all.

But I'm nervous. As far as getting completely sober, I have an incredibly important reason to do so.

My child's father has recently been pushing hard for a meeting with my son (OUR son biologically, but MY son in my head and heart *smile*). So we're meeting up in about ten days. This will be the first time they've ever met and I hope this has given me the final push to really stick it out and reach sobriety. I need a clear head to make sure I protect my son from whatever comes of this meeting. Also need a clear head to keep from being nasty and reminding his "father" that ten years ago he gave me a choice: our year and a half long relationship or "it" (the baby).

So....I'm getting better. Not better all the way yet of course, but there's no better reason to really kick this habit than the impulse to protect my child.

Sorry for the venting...that was more than I intended to say but I'm just so nervous!

Regarding Impermenance, I don't know but I hope that's where he is. Your post was the first I saw when I logged in today and I answered you right away, but I'm hoping to see something from him here soon if he is not in inpatient treatment.

Keep me posted on your progress please. It makes my day sometimes to see a post from you.

Take care of yourself,

Caper

P.S. So what about my deal I mentioned above....want to give it a try?

> Just curious. I have not kept sober, but I have managed to not black out recently. Not exactly progress, but I try not to beat myself up too badly on this - I do such a great job beating myself up otherwise...
> And is Impermanence getting some in-patient treatment, do you know?
>
> best fishes,
> pc


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poster:Caper thread:362124
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/363918.html