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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Impermanence on June 5, 2004, at 22:28:28
I'm so drunk right now, I don't know why I'm posting. I stole my dads bmw tonight to get more drink.. I got home safely, thank god..
I can't stop drinking, I'm on a big binge at the moment...
I just wanted to share my thoughts with you, I feel like such a useless c**t now I have twelve cans of larger by my side..
When I start I find it very hard to stop... I have drank myself to oblivion so many times and know the consequences but yet I just can't help myself..I know when I get sober I'll be fine, I will take control, but as I'm drinking I'm a f**king mess.
I want to feel alive so much, drinking makes me feel alive but also tells me to just cut my wrists yet again and get it over with..
I'm so lucky to have what I have but I still feel this life is nothing but a tedious test of my patients.
I'm drunk now so please ignore what I say, I'll be sorry I posted this tomorrow..
Sorry to go on so much about myself Caper, I'm just depressed and feeling sorry for me at the moment. It's so pathetic, I know...
Lot's of love xxxxxxxP.s. NikkiT2, I get the f**king message, thank you all the same..
Posted by Caper on June 5, 2004, at 22:48:25
In reply to Caper, posted by Impermanence on June 5, 2004, at 22:28:28
Do NOT be sorry you posted this tomorrow! That's why this site exists and why I am here for you. I will never ignore your posts!
I'm glad you're safe at home for now. Please try to remember what I've said before about suicide- you do not truly wish to die, you just don't want to feel this way. If you feel you're leaning toward that option, please go to a hospital! Suicide is not the answer- you either won't be around for oblivion you seek or "afterlife" will not be very nice or there will be _nothing_. In that case the world will be deprived of a very intelligent caring man and you will be deprived of what life can offer when you get better. You are still so young! This is not going to be your whole life!
You are _not_ pathetic and don't you dare be sorry you posted this. It's how I feel sometimes myself and there have been times when your responses to my posts lifted my spirits. I feel you are my friend now, so post anything, anytime. The only time I wouldn't answer would be if I were in the hospital (AGAIN).
So you are drunk tonight, that doesn't mean drunk forever. Don't put yourself down- try to be as nice to yourself as you are to me (I know that's easier said than done, but try anyway for me okay?).
What kind of treatment are you receiving right now? Psychiatrist? Therapist? I'm curious because it seems maybe you need to switch some things around.
I'll be thinking of you. Please write back soon so I know you're okay.
More hugs,
Caper
> I'm so drunk right now, I don't know why I'm posting. I stole my dads bmw tonight to get more drink.. I got home safely, thank god..
> I can't stop drinking, I'm on a big binge at the moment...
> I just wanted to share my thoughts with you, I feel like such a useless c**t now I have twelve cans of larger by my side..
> When I start I find it very hard to stop... I have drank myself to oblivion so many times and know the consequences but yet I just can't help myself..
>
> I know when I get sober I'll be fine, I will take control, but as I'm drinking I'm a f**king mess.
> I want to feel alive so much, drinking makes me feel alive but also tells me to just cut my wrists yet again and get it over with..
> I'm so lucky to have what I have but I still feel this life is nothing but a tedious test of my patients.
> I'm drunk now so please ignore what I say, I'll be sorry I posted this tomorrow..
>
> Sorry to go on so much about myself Caper, I'm just depressed and feeling sorry for me at the moment. It's so pathetic, I know...
> Lot's of love xxxxxxx
>
> P.s. NikkiT2, I get the f**king message, thank you all the same..
Posted by Alara2 on June 6, 2004, at 4:31:56
In reply to Caper, posted by Impermanence on June 5, 2004, at 22:28:28
Hi Impermanence,
Please, please do not give up hope! I have been trying to give up drinking for years and have only made some very small inroads - but there is always hope.
The way that you are feeling reflects your pen-name: Impermanence. Tomorrow, or maybe next week, you will feel something else. Things can and do get better.
Impermanence, we haven't met before but I know that Caper is right. The world will be deprived of a wonderful person if you end your life. You are obviously an intelligent, deeply feeling person and you just need to recognise your own value.
I hope that you are getting a good night's rest by now. Remember that you can always try again tomorrow. :)
Take care,
Alara
Posted by Tony P on June 8, 2004, at 7:09:43
In reply to Re: Caper, posted by Alara2 on June 6, 2004, at 4:31:56
Hi Impermanence,
I've been where you are now more times than I like to think. There were years when I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol - or live a life with it. After making it through the day only with the thought that I could at least not drink for 24 hours, and then doing that for several weeks and months, I finally (after a couple of relapses) found myself with ten years sober. I could never control my drinking on my own for more than a few weeks, but with help from others I got that 10 years in. As you can see by the other posts, we care about -- and for -- each other.
And don't be embarassed by or ashamed of your post. I've been there too. I once spent all night posting all sorts of stuff here in a manic mood after taking an unprescribed A/D on top of my prescribed one. To my horror, the next day my ramblings came up as the top search item on Google when I just put in the two A/D names! But it soon disappeared into the millions of other hits. This too shall pass.
{{{Hugs}}},
Tony P
Posted by Impermanence on June 9, 2004, at 20:54:58
In reply to Re: Caper, posted by Tony P on June 8, 2004, at 7:09:43
Thank you Caper, Alara2 and Tony for your kind support. Unfortunately I had a binge but fortunately it's over now and I'm still here. I drank a bottle and naggin of whiskey, two bottles of pernod and 24 500cl cans of lager in the space of a few days. My withdrawals yesterday where horrible, they seem to get worse with less drink. The fear and choking feeling I got was hell, I've been through it a thousand times and it just gets harder, I had my benzos to save me though thank god. Today I feel that cold sweat feeling and as far as I'm concerned right now I will get off the poison for good. But as I well know in a few days my demons will most likely get me again. I'm going to pray tonight God will save me and you lot from this terrible disease we all have.
After my last suicide attempt not so long ago I was doing well getting off the drink but the weekly binges seem to be coming back to haunt me. As I know from previous experience they get worse and worse every week until something bad happens.
Caper you asked "What kind of treatment are you receiving right now?" Well truth is not much, I stopped seeing my alcohol counselor because I found it tedious, I knew all the answers already and we seemed to be going over the same old things every week. I have never found therapists very helpful. My social phobia stops me from going to AA or getting involved in other activities to keep me sober. I'm booked in to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks for more intense treatment and therapy than the one who prescribes my medication at the moment gives. I've seen many people over the years and nothing has really worked (although I am clean of drugs). I think it's time I put alot more effort into it, maybe the Lexapro will help that.
I read a great book today (well nearly finished) "Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom", it reawakened the spirt in me that I keep forgetting. I read so much on spirituality and have always loved philosophy and psychology and yet as much wisdom I learn I just keep forgetting as I fall back to drinking. I'd love to just spend a year in Dharamsala with Buddhist monks meditating and learning away from this western world and all it's temptations. I think thats the only way I would ever get truly better. Even if I did get better here I don't think I want to go back to a 9 to 5 job programmed like a robot and living my life half-asleep a slave to society. I think these years of hell that have kept me away from "normal" life could give me a great opportunity to do something different and worthwhile with my life. I donno, I always feel like this after withdrawals, a desire for enlightenment and to help the suffering but then I fall back into stupid old me.
I hope you're all doing well, you have my love and hugs. Well done Tony for staying sober, that deserves a good pat on the back, keep it up my friend.
Caper and Alara2, I hope you're not drinking or suffering, my thoughts are with you. As I said woy will all be in my prayers tonight. And Caper I too feel you are my friend now. Thank you for being so kind.
Lots of love. xxxx
Posted by lorily on July 8, 2004, at 8:43:59
In reply to Re: Caper, posted by Impermanence on June 9, 2004, at 20:54:58
to all of you, I truly today finds you sober and with hope. impermanence, I'd suggest you contact Intergroup and get some numbers of women in your area that are in AA. You mentioned you have a social phobia and that's what prevents you from going. Explain to these women and you'll be surprised what can happen!!! They can bring a meeting to you!! I personally know women with phobias (I'm not sure if you're a woman, sorry--this goes the same for men, get men's numbers) such as yours and they feel comfortable at small women's meetings, maybe 4 or 5 women. Also, a Big Book study group is an intimate forum and if you meet the right leader you can work your steps. For me, the only true road to freedom. If you'd like me to expound on this, I will. I never thought it would happen to me and I can't tell you enough EVERYTHING THEY SAID FOR ALL THOSE YEARS I FUMBLED AND FAILED, WHEN I DID WHAT THEY DID, IT'S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was no longer the outsider, I feel happy, joyous and free. I also suffer from other illnesses, took meds and am getting off them now.
I could not have done none of this without AA and my higher power. I always looked at "big book thumpers" as semi-cultish, but, that book has been around since 1935---who the f--- am I to think it won't work. Guess what, it DOES.
This is the end of the thread.
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