Posted by Impermanence on June 9, 2004, at 20:54:58
In reply to Re: Caper, posted by Tony P on June 8, 2004, at 7:09:43
Thank you Caper, Alara2 and Tony for your kind support. Unfortunately I had a binge but fortunately it's over now and I'm still here. I drank a bottle and naggin of whiskey, two bottles of pernod and 24 500cl cans of lager in the space of a few days. My withdrawals yesterday where horrible, they seem to get worse with less drink. The fear and choking feeling I got was hell, I've been through it a thousand times and it just gets harder, I had my benzos to save me though thank god. Today I feel that cold sweat feeling and as far as I'm concerned right now I will get off the poison for good. But as I well know in a few days my demons will most likely get me again. I'm going to pray tonight God will save me and you lot from this terrible disease we all have.
After my last suicide attempt not so long ago I was doing well getting off the drink but the weekly binges seem to be coming back to haunt me. As I know from previous experience they get worse and worse every week until something bad happens.
Caper you asked "What kind of treatment are you receiving right now?" Well truth is not much, I stopped seeing my alcohol counselor because I found it tedious, I knew all the answers already and we seemed to be going over the same old things every week. I have never found therapists very helpful. My social phobia stops me from going to AA or getting involved in other activities to keep me sober. I'm booked in to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks for more intense treatment and therapy than the one who prescribes my medication at the moment gives. I've seen many people over the years and nothing has really worked (although I am clean of drugs). I think it's time I put alot more effort into it, maybe the Lexapro will help that.
I read a great book today (well nearly finished) "Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom", it reawakened the spirt in me that I keep forgetting. I read so much on spirituality and have always loved philosophy and psychology and yet as much wisdom I learn I just keep forgetting as I fall back to drinking. I'd love to just spend a year in Dharamsala with Buddhist monks meditating and learning away from this western world and all it's temptations. I think thats the only way I would ever get truly better. Even if I did get better here I don't think I want to go back to a 9 to 5 job programmed like a robot and living my life half-asleep a slave to society. I think these years of hell that have kept me away from "normal" life could give me a great opportunity to do something different and worthwhile with my life. I donno, I always feel like this after withdrawals, a desire for enlightenment and to help the suffering but then I fall back into stupid old me.
I hope you're all doing well, you have my love and hugs. Well done Tony for staying sober, that deserves a good pat on the back, keep it up my friend.
Caper and Alara2, I hope you're not drinking or suffering, my thoughts are with you. As I said woy will all be in my prayers tonight. And Caper I too feel you are my friend now. Thank you for being so kind.
Lots of love. xxxx
poster:Impermanence
thread:354153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/355248.html