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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
Hi everyone,
In a previous post I asked how someone's addiction got started and got two very honest, thoughtful answers. So I thought maybe a thread on this topic might interest some of us. I'm doing this in hopes that
1) those who could benefit from really thinking honestly about their addictions and then sharing their stories will do so and2) those who are still "flirting" with addiction might realize the danger and acknowledge the need to take steps to avoid the living hell that addiction can bring.
I'm also interested in where you are today, right now, regarding your recovery or lack thereof.
I hope some of you find this post helpful.
Have a good night (or day or whatever, depending on where you are)!
Caper
P.S. Most of my story has already been told in previous posts, but I'll say it again and/or answer almost any questions anyone has for me. (You show me yours, I'll show you mine- it's only fair, right?) Take care.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 28, 2004, at 7:25:01
In reply to Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
Caper, I told my history in the above thread, but I wanted to share that I did do a major thing in my last "crisis". I admitted to my spouse that I drink while he's out of town and get rid of the evidence. He was glad that I confided in him. I felt great relief and I know I have to force myself out of the house and my safe cocoon and into the rest of the world. It's a scary place for me but I have to work on being a part of it.
Posted by Caper on June 2, 2004, at 21:18:36
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you? » Caper, posted by partlycloudy on May 28, 2004, at 7:25:01
> Caper, I told my history in the above thread, but I wanted to share that I did do a major thing in my last "crisis". I admitted to my spouse that I drink while he's out of town and get rid of the evidence. He was glad that I confided in him. I felt great relief and I know I have to force myself out of the house and my safe cocoon and into the rest of the world. It's a scary place for me but I have to work on being a part of it.
Hi partlycloudy,
You sound _so_ much like me sometimes! I'm living an extremely limited life right now as well and like you, I was the one who "confessed" my drinking. No one knew until I told. From my family I received some scorn, some support, but never knew which it would be when in crisis! Sometimes hugs, other times car doors deliberately slammed so they will hit my arm (my mom once when in a total rage about a relapse).
How are you doing now?
I'm recently out of another detox and drinking again already (although lightly and I'm tapering.... also no more Vodka, only wine as the Vodka was tearing up my stomach and throat).
This may sound extremely shallow but one of the biggest motivators for me to quit drinking is the weight gain it has caused. Even though I hide it well because I'm small boned, at one point I'd gained 60 pounds in the first 9 months of drinking! I've since lost about 20 of it. Anyway, I'm meeting one of my oldest college friends in two weeks for the first time in 10 years and I don't want to be all bloated (vanity, vanity). I'm also stepping up the exercise routine, as it seems to give me a "high" that reduces my cravings.
Let me know how you are. Hope you are well.
Caper
P.S. Your husband sounds like a sweetie!
P.P.S. Are you American? I can usually tell by people's style of writing and word usage but I'm not sure about you. If you don't want to say, no problem. I'm just curious. Maybe Canadian? Take care.
>
Posted by beatrix34 on June 2, 2004, at 21:41:49
In reply to Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
Hi there -
I have posted my story before on other threads but I will do it again for those who have not heard it.
I started using drugs and alcohol socially when I was about 14 years old. I had a father who was also an alcoholic and absent from my life most of the time. I was always insercure as a young girl and as the years passed I, like so many other girls, was raped, this lead me to begin my self destructive behavior which consisted of permiscuity, and partying. I guess that as the years continued so did my progression with "experimenting" with drugs. I found what I thought to be the perfect combination for me in cocaine and alcohol. I also worked in the entertainment business where this was an accepted and often expected way of life.
I was 28 when I had a car accident, didn't hurt anyone, thank God, but was charged with 3 infractions. My sister, who had suffered a spinal cord injury from a drunk driver showed up at my house that night and took me to her home. In the morning I woke up, looked in the mirror and decided that I no longer knew who was looking back at me. This was not the person I wanted to be. I checked myself into a treatment center where I was an in patient for 5 weeks before returning home to deal with life clean. I then proceeded to do after care once a week for nine months. I also asked my employer to cover my fees and let me go on short term disability...scary stuff, but they agreed.
When I got out it was a rollar coaster of emotions, some that I was newly learning to both identify and deal with in a sober state. I tried AA but it wasn't for me, I went to NA and found that I felt much more relaxed and comfortable there. Since then it has been 5 and a half years that I have been clean.
The void that was mentioned in an earlier post no longer controls my life, I don't find myself with the need to try to fill it with drugs or alcohol or sex most of the time. I still struggle with my core issues but have since found out that I am not alone in my feelings, nor am I unique in the events that have gone on in my life. These two things are very comforting. I still have bad days, I still get depressed, I am still learning to identify my needs, boundaries, and feelings but today I can go outside and see the world more clearly. For the most part, it's a wonderful place to be.
Since my clean date I have stopped smoking, started exercising, found some spirituality, married my life partner, moved to another country, re-discovered the outdoors, and learned to express myself in an honest yet not brutal manner.
Recovery for me has been been a gift that has given me more than I ever imagined. The hard times (and there are still hard times) always get better and the light at the end of the tunnel continues to burn brightly, and with faith I know it burns still, even when I have a hard time seeing it clearly. This gives me the courage to move forward through my fears.
Good luck to you, I wish you all the best in your journey.
Posted by Caper on June 2, 2004, at 23:14:42
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by beatrix34 on June 2, 2004, at 21:41:49
Thanks beatrix, your post actually made me cry, but in a very good way. I'm usually a pretty stoic person, but this forum just gets me so emotional, I guess because I see myself in so many others and I'm _so_ grateful for the hope that stories like yours provide.
Best to you.
Caper
> Hi there -
>
> I have posted my story before on other threads but I will do it again for those who have not heard it.
>
> I started using drugs and alcohol socially when I was about 14 years old. I had a father who was also an alcoholic and absent from my life most of the time. I was always insercure as a young girl and as the years passed I, like so many other girls, was raped, this lead me to begin my self destructive behavior which consisted of permiscuity, and partying. I guess that as the years continued so did my progression with "experimenting" with drugs. I found what I thought to be the perfect combination for me in cocaine and alcohol. I also worked in the entertainment business where this was an accepted and often expected way of life.
>
> I was 28 when I had a car accident, didn't hurt anyone, thank God, but was charged with 3 infractions. My sister, who had suffered a spinal cord injury from a drunk driver showed up at my house that night and took me to her home. In the morning I woke up, looked in the mirror and decided that I no longer knew who was looking back at me. This was not the person I wanted to be. I checked myself into a treatment center where I was an in patient for 5 weeks before returning home to deal with life clean. I then proceeded to do after care once a week for nine months. I also asked my employer to cover my fees and let me go on short term disability...scary stuff, but they agreed.
>
> When I got out it was a rollar coaster of emotions, some that I was newly learning to both identify and deal with in a sober state. I tried AA but it wasn't for me, I went to NA and found that I felt much more relaxed and comfortable there. Since then it has been 5 and a half years that I have been clean.
>
> The void that was mentioned in an earlier post no longer controls my life, I don't find myself with the need to try to fill it with drugs or alcohol or sex most of the time. I still struggle with my core issues but have since found out that I am not alone in my feelings, nor am I unique in the events that have gone on in my life. These two things are very comforting. I still have bad days, I still get depressed, I am still learning to identify my needs, boundaries, and feelings but today I can go outside and see the world more clearly. For the most part, it's a wonderful place to be.
>
> Since my clean date I have stopped smoking, started exercising, found some spirituality, married my life partner, moved to another country, re-discovered the outdoors, and learned to express myself in an honest yet not brutal manner.
>
> Recovery for me has been been a gift that has given me more than I ever imagined. The hard times (and there are still hard times) always get better and the light at the end of the tunnel continues to burn brightly, and with faith I know it burns still, even when I have a hard time seeing it clearly. This gives me the courage to move forward through my fears.
>
> Good luck to you, I wish you all the best in your journey.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 3, 2004, at 12:23:40
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you? » partlycloudy, posted by Caper on June 2, 2004, at 21:18:36
Dry for 7 days and counting. So glad I'm not in AA getting a sticker or standing up for acknowledgement. I am going to get EMDR therapy so I can deal with past issues that contribute to my alcoholism. It's funny, I have never had a problem admitting I have a drinking problem. It's so obviously something that currently defines who I am. I want to redefine myself without that component.
As to my mixed bag of vocabulary: I'm canadian, lived in the uk for 7 years, and now I live in the us. The longer I live outside of Canada - now I've officially lived longer outside than in - the more canadian I feel. Whatever that means. It's kind of like knowing lots of different dialects.
Posted by beatrix34 on June 3, 2004, at 18:10:42
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you? » Caper, posted by partlycloudy on June 3, 2004, at 12:23:40
Congrats on 7 days partlycloudy! That's great! It's tough at the beginning but life definitely gets better.
I know all about trying to deal with the issues that got me to where I ended up before getting clean. It is a tough road to go down but worth every minute of pain in order to get closer to the other side of whatever you have to deal with.
Today I went for a double session of therapy regarding the rape that happened to me when I was 16. I am exhausted from the experience but I know that in the long run this sort of therapy, along with the support of people who have gone through similar things is one of the key things that is going to help me stay clean.
I figure if I can do it, anyone can. Keep it up you guys! Good luck!
Posted by Caper on June 3, 2004, at 20:41:18
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by beatrix34 on June 3, 2004, at 18:10:42
I'm so happy for both of you regarding your progress. You give me hope and you both sound like intelligent, caring women and your posts help me more than you could know.
Best wishes,
Caper
Posted by Tony P on June 8, 2004, at 5:15:07
In reply to Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
> Hi everyone,
>
> In a previous post I asked how someone's addiction got started ... I'm also interested in where you are today, right now, regarding your recovery or lack thereof....
> Have a good night (or day or whatever, depending on where you are)!
>
> Caper
>Today, I believe I have a disease that I have had almost all my life, certainly from school age, when I can remember always feeling like an outsider, never measuring up (to some impossible ideal), afraid of death, and living without any religion or spiritual path that I could believe in - a hole inside me somewhere.
My first discovery of drugs occured about age 12 when I was treated with "laughing gas" at the dentist's office. I tried to reproduce the fascinating experience by rebreathing from a rubber bag and self-hypnosis, amongst other odd things. Then I discovered (about age 13) that other anesthetics could be bought at the drugstore in those days with a plausible story. So I started my drug career with ether and chloroform (and incidentally introduced a few school-friends to them - we addicts love to share!).
I even tried inhaling alcohol, I think I thought maybe it would work faster? Don't try this at home, kids, it SMARTS and it doesn't work anyway.
My disease (though not my unease) mostly lay fallow for a few years after that, though I occasionally still used inhalants and a few drugs such as barbiturates when I could buy or steal them.
When I discovered the pleasures of "moderate" amounts of alcohol at parties as a mid-teen, I loved the warm glow that filled that hole at my centre, the sense of fitting in, and the euphoria. I actually controlled my drinking at first (nowadays that word, control, would immediately flash a red flag for me). I didn't like having the room spinning around of course, but more, I was uncomfortable that I couldn't control my conversation or behaviour. A year or two later, I threw control to the winds (as my tolerance increased), and the partying got wilder. I could buy liquour even though the drinking age then was 21, as I looked older than my age, especially if I wore a tie and used eyebrow pencil to darken my beginniner's mustache! ;)
I knew my drinking was abnormal when I began hiding a mickey under my bed and taking a few good swigs to "help me sleep". I felt guilty -- I hid the bottle and the empties too. Having chosen a career as a chemist, I also experimented with whatever drugs I could find or make around the labs where I studied and worked at summer jobs. I even kept detailed experimental notes! Compulsive perfectionist, perhaps?? Moreover, I was actually proud of my apparent lack of feelings (good or bad), never getting angry or sad - Mr. Cool Nerd!
My drinking progressed pretty steadily until, after the breakup of my first big love affair, I started drinking continuously - a bottle of vodka a day. I was so happy that the hangovers stopped! I didn't quite realize that was because I was never sober. My "problem drinking" finally came to public attention when I addressed a university faculty meeting more than a little sozzled. At the time I would never have labelled myself an "alcoholic" (horrors!), but now I believe I had already been a chronic alcoholic for several years.
My parents sent me to a psychiatrist, who (in common with most such professionals at that time) thought that if I could just resolve my childhood issues and emotional problems, my drinking would take care of itself. Even then, I think I knew better, that my alcoholism was the primary disease, and also sensed that I had something spiritual lacking in my life, but I went along with his theory through several years of individual and group therapy, punctuated by sessions in mental hospitals because there was no detox or treatment centre in my city (very few in the whole continent then). My pdoc didn't know what else to do to keep me from drinking and drugging myself to death.
My acute drinking, frequently with mixtures of other drugs (especially Rx), lasted about ten years. By the end of it, I would drink until I passed out or couldn't hold it down any more. After getting in trouble with the law , I was sent to a treatment program and finally began the process of sobering up and getting into recovery, with the help of AA and early NA.
After many years, several relapses, increasing addiction to Rx and OTC drugs, treatment centers, counselors and recovery programs, I now firmly believe I had a genetic prediposition to this disease from birth -- call it alcoholism, addiction disorder, or what you will. And if I had not discovered alcohol and other drugs, it would probably have shown itself in other ways, e.g. compulsive posting on computer groups <g>, living as a recluse like my grandfather, workaholic (I am certainly that!), eating disorders, or whatever.
Nowadays, I particularly like NA's attitude - that by ourselves we are powerless over our addiction, be it to drugs, food, sex or whatever. I can use that program for any of my compulsions -- and when I stop using drugs, one or other of them is likely to quickly come and take their place.
I had several years of solid recovery some time ago, but when I gradually drifted away from any regular recovery program, I had an almost continuous relapse lasting several years as a "high functioning" addict -- I had a good professional job, a house, an avocation as a musician, so I couldn't really be an addict, could I? Eventually I lost my job of 21 years, my wife of 24 years, and considerably more of my mental and physical health. One last relapse on alcohol lead to real gut-level acceptance of my alcoholism, but I continued to rationalise using OTC and other drugs as somehow safer and not as bad, despite the fact that it was really the "soft" drugs that had most recently wrecked my life over several years of constant use.
Tonight I am celebrating my first 30 days clean in six months or more, and I want to express my gratitude to all the people who have helped along the way (including you people who post here). I never was able to do it on my own, no matter how hard I tried, and despite the illusion of self-control I was brought up to believe in.
That was much more of my story than I had really intended to write, but as someone said of a long letter, "I regret that I didn't have enough time to write a short one"!
Cheers and another 24 to all,
Tony P
Posted by beatrix34 on June 8, 2004, at 21:14:33
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Tony P on June 8, 2004, at 5:15:07
Happy 30 day birthday Tony P! Keep coming back..both to Babble and to NA ;)
I wish you another 24 hours!
(((Tony P)))
Bea
Posted by head on June 24, 2004, at 12:12:40
In reply to Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
hey. im new. just happened upon your site...so, addiction. right. well, just to start off, mental stuff has been an issue for me for quite some time. always blamed it on the fact that i'm highly creative...us creative-types are mad, so we are! am an old pro at depression, eating disorders and have been known to go for the occasional pint with panic attacks. and i love drugs. or rather, loved drugs (i know that's what i'm supposed to say, yeah...past tense?!).
the emotional stuff came first mind you...started when i was 14ish. smoked the odd joint thru secondary school but i don't really count that as i haven't been able to go near the stuff for years. dropped my first pill at 18...woohoo. drug use would be occasional for the the next few years before becoming recreationally regular (all wkend, every wkend more or less) for the past 3-4 years. tried lotsa different stuff. prefer coke. pills, however, are so easy to get your hands on and so damn cheap that i'd invariably wind up off my trolley on them as well. problem with pills is that they're quite often popped full of junk so you wind up getting a real ugly physical comedown off them. head wreck.
i've taken myself geographically out of a situation that could have been potentially damaging where i had a SUPER hot job, loadsa mates (these aren't just junkie mates, they'd be mates i've had since i was small and before i was doing drugs.) and was really happy (bar moody tuesdays). i've now moved back to a city i hate. where i know no one bar my parents. and i'm a mess. and lonely. i've too much time to be introspective and i'm beginning to hate myself. worst of all i'm not myself. thankfully, i'm not paralytically depressed like the other times but frustrated and listless and apathetic and mood-swinged-out-of-it...completely out of control.
so i'm seeing a doc here now. he's got me on effexor (i HATE meds, by the way. any time i've been put on them, i've taken myself off them. nice paradox, huh?!). haven't told him about my drug use. told him about the weekend long drinking binges alright, but not really on for letting him in on the drug stuff. is this bad? probably.
the thing is, i had fun. loadsa fun. and i'd do it again (if i wasn't convinced that mixing meds with mind-altering chemicals was a torture tactic once practiced by the likes of hitler and the CIA). dunno. don't think i answered your question there. don't have any desire or intention to do drugs anymore at all. staying away from the drink as well. but i'm not getting help for that stuff specifically...do i think i was taking drugs to somehow feel better about myself, to escape? nuh-uh. but i do think the drugs haven't exactly improved my mental health. chicken-egg egg-chicken.
oops. this is really long. gonna stop now. thanks for the arena...catcha later
Posted by so far so good on July 3, 2004, at 8:47:02
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Tony P on June 8, 2004, at 5:15:07
This is what it all boils down to. When did I become an addict? At a young age 8th grade,I remember my father (pill popping fellow)Spilled a bottle of pills on the floor. I ,knowing about the "pain pills "he took and seeing him high often,slipped one in my pocket while I helped him pick them up . A vicodin es. Prior to this I smoked a little pot like once or twice,and mabey got drunk a few times off wine coolers or bottle of stolen booze from someones parents stash.I should also admit to binge drinking on the weekends. Who knows. Back to the vicodin es. I took it . It was the best feeling Ive ever experienced. I just layed in my bed thinking how good it would be to feel this high all the time . The next 6 years were lots of pot(daily user thru all my years )stints of LSD and E. I really liked the E. LSD after teen years just can be strange . You either know or you dont.Sprinkle in some dust,coke,shrooms,speed,H,Rx the list is endless.Any how I noticed this all taking a negative affect on me . I always worked,went to school . I justified my drug use this way . I was able to funtion. Only it got to the point that my drug use was really throwing me out of wack. The LSD and E can make you feel borderline retarded after prolong use. So I decided to go with what brought me to the dance . The pot. Still using ever day in my early 20's as well as drinking almost daily since age 16-17.Well the paranoia and to many sizzled synapse was enough for me . Id guess at age 21-22 to say ok Im to old for this. Lets move on with life.I was feeling deppressed , having panick attacks, social phobias,paranoia etc. These things were all the opposite of myself. Quit the pot ,quit most other drugs ,at least on any regular basis. I still Drank . After a year I felt my anxieties go away. The paranoia gone I was able to have a conversation again with others and not forget in the middle of it what I was talking about. Its funny when your 16 and stoned not 21 and talking to a co-worker or customer.I was Back in action. The drinking never bothered me and still doesnt. I have a family full of functioning alcoholics,add me to the list. I was "drug" free.I did notice anytime I would go to the dentist,dislocated a shoulder and a knee @ separate times . I was happy to get the "Pain Killers". It was a bonous. I really liked the feeling. Take a couple extra. Long story short The next few years THE WORST ADDICTION I have ever faced took its grip. I went from here and there usage . To weekend usage , then moved on to soon as I get home from work usage this was a slow four year progression or so. I still did not see a problem mostly hydrocodone,oxycodone,and methadone(last resort) sometimes.Most of the meds were from the street.One fine morning on my way to work feeling unmotivated, I popped a couple 2-4 dont recall at this time ,5mg percocet.I already had a high tolerance. (So I thought ).Work was great . Happy, nothing could bother me , this was it. Well after the discovery of oxycontin the habit that I have been taking part in had became a full on disaster.First I was chewing them .Great 40 mg of oxycodone at once . I was feeling good. Well the tolerance went up,up and away. I would have to crush and snort a 40 just to not be sick . I was crushing 80 's on the regular 2-3 times a day if they were there. If they were not there either was I. Went thru several withdrawels 2-3 days being the longest.The problem I found out with the opiates the only negative affect is th w/d and the seeking life style witch is almost as bad.As long as I had something (opiate)I was good. Tired ,sick,bad mood take opiates and I was back in the game . I knew all about opiate addiction,w/d,tolerance and it still crept up on me . I was in denial. Like the old after school special, not me, I can stop when ever I want. I found this to be untrue.I am like one month or so clean.If Interested look for the first thread of medication assisted w/d 2 thumbs up. Something that caught my eye was the whole replacement deal. Its true I feel a void . I am trying to make changes in lifestyle . Do more stuff any thing ,just keep busy .
Posted by Caper on July 8, 2004, at 2:51:44
In reply to Re: Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by so far so good on July 3, 2004, at 8:47:02
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who shared their stories in response to my question about how their addictions started. I'm still shaking my head in disbelief at how fast my own addiction "got me".
I feel bad saying that hearing other's stories helps me, because I'd never wish addiction on my worst enemy, but I'm pretty sure you all know what I mean when I say your responses help. It lets me know I'm not alone and it reminds me that none of us went looking for addiction. I'm not trying to avoid personal responsibility for my addiction but somehow I doubt any of us said, "wow, it'd be so cool to be an addict!" Addiction is such a subtle process, at least in my opinion.
Okay, enough of my middle of the night rambling for now. Thanks again for your candid responses and best of luck to all of you.
Caper
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