Posted by Tony P on June 8, 2004, at 5:15:07
In reply to Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
> Hi everyone,
>
> In a previous post I asked how someone's addiction got started ... I'm also interested in where you are today, right now, regarding your recovery or lack thereof....
> Have a good night (or day or whatever, depending on where you are)!
>
> Caper
>Today, I believe I have a disease that I have had almost all my life, certainly from school age, when I can remember always feeling like an outsider, never measuring up (to some impossible ideal), afraid of death, and living without any religion or spiritual path that I could believe in - a hole inside me somewhere.
My first discovery of drugs occured about age 12 when I was treated with "laughing gas" at the dentist's office. I tried to reproduce the fascinating experience by rebreathing from a rubber bag and self-hypnosis, amongst other odd things. Then I discovered (about age 13) that other anesthetics could be bought at the drugstore in those days with a plausible story. So I started my drug career with ether and chloroform (and incidentally introduced a few school-friends to them - we addicts love to share!).
I even tried inhaling alcohol, I think I thought maybe it would work faster? Don't try this at home, kids, it SMARTS and it doesn't work anyway.
My disease (though not my unease) mostly lay fallow for a few years after that, though I occasionally still used inhalants and a few drugs such as barbiturates when I could buy or steal them.
When I discovered the pleasures of "moderate" amounts of alcohol at parties as a mid-teen, I loved the warm glow that filled that hole at my centre, the sense of fitting in, and the euphoria. I actually controlled my drinking at first (nowadays that word, control, would immediately flash a red flag for me). I didn't like having the room spinning around of course, but more, I was uncomfortable that I couldn't control my conversation or behaviour. A year or two later, I threw control to the winds (as my tolerance increased), and the partying got wilder. I could buy liquour even though the drinking age then was 21, as I looked older than my age, especially if I wore a tie and used eyebrow pencil to darken my beginniner's mustache! ;)
I knew my drinking was abnormal when I began hiding a mickey under my bed and taking a few good swigs to "help me sleep". I felt guilty -- I hid the bottle and the empties too. Having chosen a career as a chemist, I also experimented with whatever drugs I could find or make around the labs where I studied and worked at summer jobs. I even kept detailed experimental notes! Compulsive perfectionist, perhaps?? Moreover, I was actually proud of my apparent lack of feelings (good or bad), never getting angry or sad - Mr. Cool Nerd!
My drinking progressed pretty steadily until, after the breakup of my first big love affair, I started drinking continuously - a bottle of vodka a day. I was so happy that the hangovers stopped! I didn't quite realize that was because I was never sober. My "problem drinking" finally came to public attention when I addressed a university faculty meeting more than a little sozzled. At the time I would never have labelled myself an "alcoholic" (horrors!), but now I believe I had already been a chronic alcoholic for several years.
My parents sent me to a psychiatrist, who (in common with most such professionals at that time) thought that if I could just resolve my childhood issues and emotional problems, my drinking would take care of itself. Even then, I think I knew better, that my alcoholism was the primary disease, and also sensed that I had something spiritual lacking in my life, but I went along with his theory through several years of individual and group therapy, punctuated by sessions in mental hospitals because there was no detox or treatment centre in my city (very few in the whole continent then). My pdoc didn't know what else to do to keep me from drinking and drugging myself to death.
My acute drinking, frequently with mixtures of other drugs (especially Rx), lasted about ten years. By the end of it, I would drink until I passed out or couldn't hold it down any more. After getting in trouble with the law , I was sent to a treatment program and finally began the process of sobering up and getting into recovery, with the help of AA and early NA.
After many years, several relapses, increasing addiction to Rx and OTC drugs, treatment centers, counselors and recovery programs, I now firmly believe I had a genetic prediposition to this disease from birth -- call it alcoholism, addiction disorder, or what you will. And if I had not discovered alcohol and other drugs, it would probably have shown itself in other ways, e.g. compulsive posting on computer groups <g>, living as a recluse like my grandfather, workaholic (I am certainly that!), eating disorders, or whatever.
Nowadays, I particularly like NA's attitude - that by ourselves we are powerless over our addiction, be it to drugs, food, sex or whatever. I can use that program for any of my compulsions -- and when I stop using drugs, one or other of them is likely to quickly come and take their place.
I had several years of solid recovery some time ago, but when I gradually drifted away from any regular recovery program, I had an almost continuous relapse lasting several years as a "high functioning" addict -- I had a good professional job, a house, an avocation as a musician, so I couldn't really be an addict, could I? Eventually I lost my job of 21 years, my wife of 24 years, and considerably more of my mental and physical health. One last relapse on alcohol lead to real gut-level acceptance of my alcoholism, but I continued to rationalise using OTC and other drugs as somehow safer and not as bad, despite the fact that it was really the "soft" drugs that had most recently wrecked my life over several years of constant use.
Tonight I am celebrating my first 30 days clean in six months or more, and I want to express my gratitude to all the people who have helped along the way (including you people who post here). I never was able to do it on my own, no matter how hard I tried, and despite the illusion of self-control I was brought up to believe in.
That was much more of my story than I had really intended to write, but as someone said of a long letter, "I regret that I didn't have enough time to write a short one"!
Cheers and another 24 to all,
Tony P
poster:Tony P
thread:351278
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/354732.html