Posted by beatrix34 on June 2, 2004, at 21:41:49
In reply to Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
Hi there -
I have posted my story before on other threads but I will do it again for those who have not heard it.
I started using drugs and alcohol socially when I was about 14 years old. I had a father who was also an alcoholic and absent from my life most of the time. I was always insercure as a young girl and as the years passed I, like so many other girls, was raped, this lead me to begin my self destructive behavior which consisted of permiscuity, and partying. I guess that as the years continued so did my progression with "experimenting" with drugs. I found what I thought to be the perfect combination for me in cocaine and alcohol. I also worked in the entertainment business where this was an accepted and often expected way of life.
I was 28 when I had a car accident, didn't hurt anyone, thank God, but was charged with 3 infractions. My sister, who had suffered a spinal cord injury from a drunk driver showed up at my house that night and took me to her home. In the morning I woke up, looked in the mirror and decided that I no longer knew who was looking back at me. This was not the person I wanted to be. I checked myself into a treatment center where I was an in patient for 5 weeks before returning home to deal with life clean. I then proceeded to do after care once a week for nine months. I also asked my employer to cover my fees and let me go on short term disability...scary stuff, but they agreed.
When I got out it was a rollar coaster of emotions, some that I was newly learning to both identify and deal with in a sober state. I tried AA but it wasn't for me, I went to NA and found that I felt much more relaxed and comfortable there. Since then it has been 5 and a half years that I have been clean.
The void that was mentioned in an earlier post no longer controls my life, I don't find myself with the need to try to fill it with drugs or alcohol or sex most of the time. I still struggle with my core issues but have since found out that I am not alone in my feelings, nor am I unique in the events that have gone on in my life. These two things are very comforting. I still have bad days, I still get depressed, I am still learning to identify my needs, boundaries, and feelings but today I can go outside and see the world more clearly. For the most part, it's a wonderful place to be.
Since my clean date I have stopped smoking, started exercising, found some spirituality, married my life partner, moved to another country, re-discovered the outdoors, and learned to express myself in an honest yet not brutal manner.
Recovery for me has been been a gift that has given me more than I ever imagined. The hard times (and there are still hard times) always get better and the light at the end of the tunnel continues to burn brightly, and with faith I know it burns still, even when I have a hard time seeing it clearly. This gives me the courage to move forward through my fears.
Good luck to you, I wish you all the best in your journey.
poster:beatrix34
thread:351278
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040409/msgs/353212.html