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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tai daluna on November 8, 2003, at 8:35:28
reading your posts, i can't help but think of my own life. i continually crave and crave and crave. i don't what is wrong with me. i mean, i know i was abused, and i know i have anxiety, but i don't know how to make the carvings stop. it's not just drugs, but sex, food, exercise, music. i don't do anything half-assed. yesterday i ran 2k, danced at the studio for four hours, did yoga for an hour. i could hardly walk today, but i will do it again. if i am not binging on bad food, i am hardly eating. if i am not drinking and using drugs, then i am compulsively trying to figure out a way to justify cheating on my boyfriend w/ a stranger. do you get the picture? everything i do is extreme. even my bloody driving scares me. all the time a feeling of restlessness plagues me. does anyone feel that way? if it isn't one thing than it is another. i have terrible impulse control and i don't know how to fix it. my doctor is a moron. all the doctors in this town are. besides, i dare not tell him the truth, because he might cut me off of my ativan/xanax kick. since my anti-depressants make drinking impossible, i must supplement w/ benzos. i don't want to live like this anymore. anyway, if anyone can relate, i'd love to hear about it.
peace.
tai
Posted by Temmie on November 8, 2003, at 17:08:16
In reply to i'm addicted to everything, posted by tai daluna on November 8, 2003, at 8:35:28
Oh dear, Tai, we do struggle with being human, don't you think? I so wish for a state of "normal" ... whatever "normal" is, and even though I don't hunger and crave ... Everything ... such as you've described; I do feel in a high state of panic, which seems to be driving everything. The other night I drank a whole bottle of wine (kind of a big deal for me). Then I was thinking about smoking (haven't smoked in decades), today I'm obsessing about the (lack of) research behind a project I have to present on Wednesday, but I can't calm down/slow down to just read and get it down on the page. I've been arranging and rearranging the same state of incomplete text on my computer screen from morning until now. I've bitten my nails until my fingers are bleeding. I just paused for a beer, but I'm thinking I should pop a Xanax. My personal life is evoking remembrances of fear and panic, I'm sure. Despite tons of advice (good advice and asked for), I can't find my up. Can't find my down. Can't find the balance to right myself -- and although I'm not pursuing physical activities (which I should), I'm eating all the wrong things, despite having no hunger -- and frankly -- I'm lonely ... and, yes ... maybe hungry for something.
It truly is sickening ... and heartbreaking ... that so many of us suffer so -- and that our docs struggle with defining our malaise, or prescribing appropriate treatment. I don't want to be in pain anymore, and don't know how to make it stop or go away.
With you in the madness. Guess I'll see if a Xanax won't take the edge off. Thanks for listening. I am truly ... just ... despairing for someone to talk to. Temmie
Posted by tai daluna on November 15, 2003, at 3:33:44
In reply to i'm addicted to everything, posted by tai daluna on November 8, 2003, at 8:35:28
i changed antidepressants today. i wonder why no one considers my pharmaceutical use drug misuse. i like getting high on the pills prescribed to me. every new one is an adventure, as i am extremely sensitive and prone to hallucinating. i really get off on it. the best part is that it's paid for by the province i live in.
i feel your pain about work: i dropped out of college because i got downright OCD about essays and projects and tests. i would spellcheck and proof over and over again-- for hours-- even if there was no error. i could not hand in my own papers-- had to leave them somewhere where someone would find them, or have my SO email them to the profs. at the beginning of projects i would drive myself crazy. thoughts of failure plagued me perpetually.
it seems that i trade addiction for addiction, over and over and over again. it started w/ marijuana and alcohol when i was young, progressed to sex and hard drugs, and now i pop all sorts of pharmies and am still thoroughly addicted to sex. i would like to know if i could live another way. a purer way.
i know i have will and determination. it is almost as tho i have too much will and determination and cannot let go of anything, incl. pleasure and pain, equally. i look to faith to cure me, but it offers more justification: my faith is in freedom and creation. my god lives in me and wants me to create in the universe. the creative urge drives me to use myself harder and harder: but i can only give so much, and i give it all away; all that i can. then, emptied and sore and still frenetic, i must do something to fill and calm myself.
sometimes it feels that i need something so badly that i will die if i don't get it. it is a terrible thirst. when it is that way, i drive too fast, delighting in the feeling of flying and the roar of the engine. but it is only distraction. the thirst remains.
tonight i have been eating ativan by the milligram. it doesn't help much anymore. i have been eating more and more of them lately. what will i do when i've maxed out the dose i am allowed? heroin?
what is it to feel calm, sans medicinal sedation? i do not think i have experienced it. i do not know if, at this point, i could accept it if it were offered. the times when i feel most comfortable is when i am wired, flying, hyperproductive. it is as if i can do anything. apparently, such times frighten and disturb others.
thanks for writing back, temmie.
peace
tai
Posted by Temmie on November 15, 2003, at 13:49:38
In reply to addicted to everything2temmie, posted by tai daluna on November 15, 2003, at 3:33:44
Oh Tai --
I came across an entry in my diary from a year ago, in which I noted a quote from Carolyn Myss -- that sometimes the challenges in our life arise from our need to find more dependence on the Divine to get through.
I read your post this morning (and am replying without a reread), but it sounds like great floods of life are moving through you -- your hunger -- your sexuality -- your lust and heights -- yes, I think heroin sounds like it might be a place of comfort for both of us. Oh, to feel peace. But we won't go there, of course. At least I'm not planning to! One addict in my life is one addict too many at present.
Still, how I relate to your desire for peace.
Maybe we can reach through the turmoil to find a stonger handhold with the Divine to help us through. I'm sorry, I'm too worn out and beat up to write more than this.
Wishing you every peace ... everything sublime.
Temmie
Posted by Liss on November 18, 2003, at 13:26:25
In reply to addicted to everything2temmie, posted by tai daluna on November 15, 2003, at 3:33:44
I can relate so well to the both of you, and it's comforting to know that there's other people out there struggling to maintain a level of calm, but unable to...
I just joined today, spilled my guts, and am looking for encouragement. I switch from addiction to addiction too- from shopping to eating to alcohol abuse, marijuana, pills, to sex. All of it, I am right there with you. I don't know if I have much insight to offer you, but I wish you peace of mind, and one day, hope to be of help to you and others...
Posted by Tony P on November 21, 2003, at 22:55:20
In reply to Re: addicted to everything2temmie, posted by Liss on November 18, 2003, at 13:26:25
Welcome to the board - I'm addicted to everything too!
Today's my first day in 2 months without my drug of choice (Robaxin), and while I was tapering, all my other compulsive behaviours came back full force - overworking, over/under eating, taking too much cough mixture and codeine (I really do have a cough, though!), staying up all night playing mindless computer games, weird sex/bulimia stuff ... and now I've spent a couple of hours more than I meant to right here at Psycho-Babble!
> I can relate so well to the both of you, and it's comforting to know that there's other people out there struggling to maintain a level of calm, but unable to...
>
> I just joined today, spilled my guts, and am looking for encouragement. I switch from addiction to addiction too- from shopping to eating to alcohol abuse, marijuana, pills, to sex. All of it, I am right there with you. I don't know if I have much insight to offer you, but I wish you peace of mind, and one day, hope to be of help to you and others...
This is the end of the thread.
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