Posted by tai daluna on November 15, 2003, at 3:33:44
In reply to i'm addicted to everything, posted by tai daluna on November 8, 2003, at 8:35:28
i changed antidepressants today. i wonder why no one considers my pharmaceutical use drug misuse. i like getting high on the pills prescribed to me. every new one is an adventure, as i am extremely sensitive and prone to hallucinating. i really get off on it. the best part is that it's paid for by the province i live in.
i feel your pain about work: i dropped out of college because i got downright OCD about essays and projects and tests. i would spellcheck and proof over and over again-- for hours-- even if there was no error. i could not hand in my own papers-- had to leave them somewhere where someone would find them, or have my SO email them to the profs. at the beginning of projects i would drive myself crazy. thoughts of failure plagued me perpetually.
it seems that i trade addiction for addiction, over and over and over again. it started w/ marijuana and alcohol when i was young, progressed to sex and hard drugs, and now i pop all sorts of pharmies and am still thoroughly addicted to sex. i would like to know if i could live another way. a purer way.
i know i have will and determination. it is almost as tho i have too much will and determination and cannot let go of anything, incl. pleasure and pain, equally. i look to faith to cure me, but it offers more justification: my faith is in freedom and creation. my god lives in me and wants me to create in the universe. the creative urge drives me to use myself harder and harder: but i can only give so much, and i give it all away; all that i can. then, emptied and sore and still frenetic, i must do something to fill and calm myself.
sometimes it feels that i need something so badly that i will die if i don't get it. it is a terrible thirst. when it is that way, i drive too fast, delighting in the feeling of flying and the roar of the engine. but it is only distraction. the thirst remains.
tonight i have been eating ativan by the milligram. it doesn't help much anymore. i have been eating more and more of them lately. what will i do when i've maxed out the dose i am allowed? heroin?
what is it to feel calm, sans medicinal sedation? i do not think i have experienced it. i do not know if, at this point, i could accept it if it were offered. the times when i feel most comfortable is when i am wired, flying, hyperproductive. it is as if i can do anything. apparently, such times frighten and disturb others.
thanks for writing back, temmie.
peace
tai
poster:tai daluna
thread:277706
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031014/msgs/279941.html