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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angela2 on December 27, 2014, at 19:08:27
I'm so dead inside. i just want the pain to go away. The only friend who asked if I was ok is someone who I've been distancing myself from and just deleted on Facebook. Depression is real. It's as real is the blood flowing through my wrists. Its as real as bitchy comments or non comments. I'm not going to kill myself. But I need someone to know the pain I'm in. I feel sick. I feel like telling everyone to f*ck off and I also need a hug. I hate men. It's true. I do. People are mean, and all I can think of is negative things that have happened to me. I'm so embarrassed.
Posted by baseball55 on December 27, 2014, at 19:39:06
In reply to No message ***trigger***?, posted by Angela2 on December 27, 2014, at 19:08:27
I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful. Are there things you can do or people you can talk to that might help you, if only for a little while?
Posted by ClearSkies on December 27, 2014, at 20:16:13
In reply to No message ***trigger***?, posted by Angela2 on December 27, 2014, at 19:08:27
I'm sorry you're feeling so very badly. can I help?
Posted by Angela2 on December 27, 2014, at 20:53:30
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***?, posted by ClearSkies on December 27, 2014, at 20:16:13
Thanks Baseball and Clearskies. I'm ok I went to my friends house and feel safe here.
Posted by SLS on December 28, 2014, at 7:01:47
In reply to No message ***trigger***?, posted by Angela2 on December 27, 2014, at 19:08:27
> I'm so dead inside. i just want the pain to go away. The only friend who asked if I was ok is someone who I've been distancing myself from and just deleted on Facebook. Depression is real. It's as real is the blood flowing through my wrists. Its as real as bitchy comments or non comments. I'm not going to kill myself. But I need someone to know the pain I'm in. I feel sick. I feel like telling everyone to f*ck off and I also need a hug. I hate men. It's true. I do. People are mean, and all I can think of is negative things that have happened to me. I'm so embarrassed.
I am so sorry. I hope that your knowing that you are not alone in suffering these things helps you to feel less embarrassed. We really don't have very much control over them. Distractions can help, though.
Despite the phenotypic challenges of my being male :-), I can still relate to your suffering. The mental pain of depression is real, and even has a name - psychalgia. I am glad to know that you are not suicidal. You might not see it for yourself, but I see someone successfully fighting a painful illness; an illness that is constantly telling you to give up. You have the right to give up, though, even if only temporarily. Your "fight" will always return. I find that my energy to fight depression waxes and wanes. You might lose your faith in modern medicine periodically, but I don't think you should ever lose your faith in yourself, despite the negative messages being hurled at you by a dysregulated brain. You are still here and fighting. That is testimonial enough for me.
- Scott
Posted by ClearSkies on December 28, 2014, at 12:56:52
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***? » Angela2, posted by SLS on December 28, 2014, at 7:01:47
I find the same to be true of me, Scott. We are stronger than we know.
Posted by Lamdage22 on December 28, 2014, at 14:47:53
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***? » SLS, posted by ClearSkies on December 28, 2014, at 12:56:52
I like what scott said.
Posted by Angela2 on December 28, 2014, at 18:24:36
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***? » Angela2, posted by SLS on December 28, 2014, at 7:01:47
Hey Scott. Thanks. I feel like my post yesterday was an incoherent ramble. lol. Christmas was really hard for me this year. I have a lot of family from my mom's side here. And I don' really feel like part of them even though they came over to my parents house, where I live. They took pictures and i wasn't in any of them. Though it's true I spent some of the time upstairs. I saw some of the pics on Facebook and something got triggered in me. I snapped. It was like, wow, I'm really not part of the family and I don't feel loved or cared about or connected to them at all and it sucks and I just want to move across the country. And admitting all of it, it makes me think, man, there really must be something wrong with me. This is not how i wanted my 31 years on this earth to turn out. I've become so isolated. Something i really want to change.
And i don't hate men, lol. But I'm just kind of swimming in pain and painful memories lately.Thank you again. I don't think words can really express how much I appreciate you and everyone reaching out to me. So I just say thank you.
Angela
Posted by SLS on December 29, 2014, at 8:18:05
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***?, posted by Angela2 on December 28, 2014, at 18:24:36
Hi Angela.
I hope that you are feeling somewhat better.
I think I understand the hurt and demoralization you experienced when you saw the Facebook posts. Perhaps your family thought that you were overwhelmed and just wanted to be alone. It is hard to know without asking them. Maybe you should communicate your feelings. Depression can be an illness of isolation.
It is my conclusion that your life sucks, and that this is not your fault.
When I was 31, I felt old and was convince that the better part of my life was over. Being somewhat older now, I realize just how young 31 is.
I wish things were different for you. Keep fighting and moving forward. There is still plenty of time for you to get well and build a happy and rewarding life for yourself.
Do you have any good memories to hold on to?
I hold on very tightly to the memories I have of the short, but complete remissions that I experienced resulting from treatment. They represent the light at the end of the tunnel of darkness, even though I don't know how much longer is the tunnel that lies before me.
Sometimes, I find that making a list of things that I am grateful for helps.
- Scott-----------------------------------------------
> Hey Scott. Thanks. I feel like my post yesterday was an incoherent ramble. lol. Christmas was really hard for me this year. I have a lot of family from my mom's side here. And I don' really feel like part of them even though they came over to my parents house, where I live. They took pictures and i wasn't in any of them. Though it's true I spent some of the time upstairs. I saw some of the pics on Facebook and something got triggered in me. I snapped. It was like, wow, I'm really not part of the family and I don't feel loved or cared about or connected to them at all and it sucks and I just want to move across the country. And admitting all of it, it makes me think, man, there really must be something wrong with me. This is not how i wanted my 31 years on this earth to turn out. I've become so isolated. Something i really want to change.
> And i don't hate men, lol. But I'm just kind of swimming in pain and painful memories lately.
>
> Thank you again. I don't think words can really express how much I appreciate you and everyone reaching out to me. So I just say thank you.
>
> Angela
>
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2014, at 8:47:33
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***? » Angela2, posted by SLS on December 29, 2014, at 8:18:05
Angela I would love to be 31 again so much to look forward to in life. Your life has only just begun. Phillipa
Posted by Angela2 on December 29, 2014, at 15:44:29
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***? » Angela2, posted by SLS on December 29, 2014, at 8:18:05
Hi Scott. I am feeling better today. I don't think my life sucks at all. I am not where I want to be, no. But it doesn't suck. Thanks for understanding the Facebook thing and my feelings. The truth is that it's on me too. I am quiet in my family. I feel out of place. It's hard to know what my cousins think. But I don't think they hate me or anything like that. They're younger than me and bonded at a time when I was going through a hard time like 7 or so years ago. But there's nothing I can do about that. I just have to let it go. I deleted my Facebook page. lol. It's been a long time coming. I think making a gratitude list is a great idea. I bought a workbook on depression today, by the way. It's interesting. But I'm glad I got it.
Posted by Angela2 on December 29, 2014, at 15:46:12
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***?, posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2014, at 8:47:33
Aw, thanks Phillipa. Sometimes I feel old. I realize it's just that I haven't achieved what I wished I had.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 30, 2014, at 5:22:09
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***?, posted by Angela2 on December 29, 2014, at 15:46:12
hey, angela. i sometimes feel the same way... with not having achieved what i wished i'd had by this time. i find it hard seeing people who used to be peers... take a big jump into professional careers... whereas i kind of aborted... and don't have prospects of one...
then seeing people around me... placed to launch themselves... and now i'm... perhaps... cynical and jaded... seeing nepotism and rich getting richer and... odds stacked against 'people like me' under most descriptions...
feeling... out of place... and odd... and who knows what is in my future... and young'uns who think they are better than me because of... typical (male especially) teenage ego...
and, uh, ugh, uh, whatever...
the world is a wacky place, for sure.
Posted by SLS on December 30, 2014, at 8:28:59
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***?, posted by Angela2 on December 29, 2014, at 15:44:29
> Hi Scott. I am feeling better today. I don't think my life sucks at all. I am not where I want to be, no. But it doesn't suck.
It is a matter of perpective. I'm glad that you are able to see the positive despite the negative. Whether or not I think my life sucks is variable. If triggered by external events (or lack of them), my outlook can become quite negative. Otherwise, I am rather upbeat. Cynicism can kill - literally. Still, I recognize that my life does indeed suck. It does. Is it the worst in the world? No. For this, I am grateful. Thank God for drugs. I had been much worse prior to arriving at my current treatment. My condition was horrendous. I really don't expect to get well anymore. I was born too early. I have come closer to making my peace with God about this. However, I am not ready to give up yet.
You don't have to be 21 in order to live a life of youth.
Good luck.
- Scott
Posted by baseball55 on December 30, 2014, at 19:49:17
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***?, posted by alexandra_k on December 30, 2014, at 5:22:09
> hey, angela. i sometimes feel the same way... with not having achieved what i wished i'd had by this time. i find it hard seeing people who used to be peers... take a big jump into professional careers... whereas i kind of aborted... and don't have prospects of one...
>
> then seeing people around me... placed to launch themselves... and now i'm... perhaps... cynical and jaded... seeing nepotism and rich getting richer and... odds stacked against 'people like me' under most descriptions...
> feeling... out of place... and odd... and who knows what is in my future... and young'uns who think they are better than me because of... typical (male especially) teenage ego...
>
> and, uh, ugh, uh, whatever...
>
> the world is a wacky place, for sure.But all this comparing is so exhausting and depressing and unhelpful. Okay. So you didn't do what he did and you didn't do what she did and you didn't do what you thought you would be doing by now or what you thought other people thought you should be doing be now. Okay. So what?
Where does this get you, really? Just deeper into a hole. You have the present moment in which to make decisions that will propel you forward. Not necessarily toward the goal you told yourself you would complete. But you can take baby steps toward small goals. Today I will go for a walk. Today, I will register for a class. Today I will call an acquaintance to have coffee or go for a walk. Little by little, the successes accrue. You take bigger steps. Try for more things.
Maybe you will never achieve the things you think others have achieved or that you think others think you should have achieved. But you will have achieved what you can achieve at this point in your life.
I went through this period of depression and shame about failing to achieve what I thought others had. I worried that people I had known would be contemptuous of me and see me as a failure. Then it occurred to me that I hadn't seen or spoken to these people in years. They occupied space in my head, but I occupied no space in theirs. It was very liberating to realize this. I could accomplish things on my own terms, without these people in my head criticizing me constantly.
Posted by SLS on December 30, 2014, at 22:24:33
In reply to Re: No message ***trigger***? » alexandra_k, posted by baseball55 on December 30, 2014, at 19:49:17
> But all this comparing is so exhausting and depressing and unhelpful. Okay. So you didn't do what he did and you didn't do what she did and you didn't do what you thought you would be doing by now or what you thought other people thought you should be doing be now. Okay. So what?
>
> Where does this get you, really? Just deeper into a hole. You have the present moment in which to make decisions that will propel you forward. Not necessarily toward the goal you told yourself you would complete. But you can take baby steps toward small goals. Today I will go for a walk. Today, I will register for a class. Today I will call an acquaintance to have coffee or go for a walk. Little by little, the successes accrue. You take bigger steps. Try for more things.
>
> Maybe you will never achieve the things you think others have achieved or that you think others think you should have achieved. But you will have achieved what you can achieve at this point in your life.
>
> I went through this period of depression and shame about failing to achieve what I thought others had. I worried that people I had known would be contemptuous of me and see me as a failure. Then it occurred to me that I hadn't seen or spoken to these people in years. They occupied space in my head, but I occupied no space in theirs. It was very liberating to realize this. I could accomplish things on my own terms, without these people in my head criticizing me constantly.
Thanks for this...:-)
- Scott
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