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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fivefires on September 11, 2007, at 23:19:49
Ready just go. I should have kept him even if he did do some bad things. Now I have flu and no one will even go get me crackers. So alone can't stand anymore. All self-respect gone. Tried and tried. Now just tired. Wrong person is what everyone sees. Can't get back. I feel like can't stand anymore. Way too alone. No place and no one and nothing. I'm nothing.
I asked for help and they don't because they say 'you're always sick'. But today I got the flu. But that doesn't matter. Because, when you're always sick w/ this damn 'head sh*t', nobody cares when your body is sick!!!
I'm just fading away here. I hate self like they must me.
I'm sorry. Not strong. So sick of it all.
5f
Posted by seldomseen on September 12, 2007, at 10:01:54
In reply to Don't wanna' GO ON anymore!!!! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on September 11, 2007, at 23:19:49
Boy do I understand where you are coming from. There is nothing worse than being sick to reinforce how alone we really can feel.
When I had all of my wisdom teeth out, I was so sick and so alone that I actually called my mother - what a huge mistake. So sometimes being alone is better than the alternative.
Let me say that you are NOT nothing. Right now you are someone whose being is significantly weakened by the flu. Your body will eventually get over this. This will pass.
Also, just because you are alone, does not mean that you are nothing. You have meaning and merit simply because you are who you are. I'm not at all sure that being alone in any way makes you less of a something.
Yeah, other people can help and make it easier, but they really can't make us something.
Please take care of yourself and know that this flu will pass. You will be well. Try to look forward to that.
Seldom.
Posted by Fivefires on September 12, 2007, at 13:31:53
In reply to Re: Don't wanna' GO ON anymore!!!! **trigger**, posted by seldomseen on September 12, 2007, at 10:01:54
> Boy do I understand where you are coming from. There is nothing worse than being sick to reinforce how alone we really can feel.
>Thank you. My invisible illness is always blamed if I should become physically ill. The people (Whatever happened to families?) think I'm having 'a bad time', instead of being truly physically ill. And about the isolation, I fear it will make me more ill than I already am. I fear I'm going to lose any knowledge or understanding or kind of 'my mindfulness' because there is no one from which to receive feedback.
> When I had all of my wisdom teeth out, I was so sick and so alone that I actually called my mother - what a huge mistake.>
Mine as well has a problem w/ validating me. She tends to make me feel like I did something wrong to cause this. It's just her way, not deliberate, but it hurts.
>So sometimes being alone is better than the alternative.
>I can remember being in good relationships and bad relationships, so there were some times when my being ill was like my 'misbehaving'. I cherish the relationships gone by where there was unconditional support.
> Let me say that you are NOT nothing. Right now you are someone whose being is significantly weakened by the flu. Your body will eventually get over this. This will pass.
>I'd gotten my hopes up after beginning an atypical antipsychotic for the first time in my life nearly a month ago. I did feel better. I wonder if I've developed a tolerance level already. I wouldn't doubt it. I do this w/ most every med.
But if I were younger and if I were 'more perfect' then someone good would want me and they'd be with me and I'd not be alone, and I'd not feel like 'nothing'. I don't understand why no one wants me (whom I want) anymore. Is it age? Has every wrapped themselves up in their lives and hidden from and refused to allow someone who needs a place to be .. near them? If my life continues like this, oh what a terrible waste. I'd be a burden or I am a burden. I guess I should call my pdoc. I see my PCP 2moro but he doesn't like to discuss the emotional side of my life. Because RBCs low, told to take folic acid AND folate. Talked to three diff' progressionals and they couldn't tell me the diff' so my doc said to take both. I wonder if I'm taking too much.
Sorry, keep going from talking about life to talking about meds.
> Also, just because you are alone, does not mean that you are nothing.>
But if I was important wouldn't someone want to be with me?
>You have meaning and merit simply because you are who you are. I'm not at all sure that being alone in any way makes you less of a something.>
I'm sorry but it feels like sacrifice. I've had more in my life than some people probably have had in their entire life and I'm midage. Maybe I am so spoiled I'm being punished. Maybe I took too much for granted. Maybe I didn't handle love carefully. I thought I was. I always prayed. I always helped people. I never deliberately hurt anyone. What reason is there if it's not sacrifice or 'now you get yours'. Has life become too busy for the invisible illnesses.
>
> Yeah, other people can help and make it easier, but they really can't make us something.
>It's just that when someone makes a nice gesture towards me, I think to myself 'I am important enough for a person to 'do whatever the person did', and I think to myself 'I must matter' .. ya know?
> Please take care of yourself and know that this flu will pass.
I'll try. There are some errands which will 'run out of time' to be done. I cannot do them and no one will help me? I will lose money. I'm already feeling sick to my stomach again this morning. There's no way I can miss my PCP appt as I'm on a med which must be refilled w/ a paper scrip each month. Maybe I can take some dicyclomine and push myself to get a lot done 2moro. If I horrible, well I'm sick! I'm tired of all this makeup and 'if you look good you are good bullsh*t'. Prob' is I hate my PCP to see me like this. He thinks my c-spine pain for which I am prescribed meds by him contributes to my unhappiness. I would have asked him for a flu shot too (if they had the medium yet) but you can't do this when you've got it.
>You will be well. Try to look forward to that.
>Okay, Thanks, 5f
> Seldom.
>
>
Posted by karen_kay on September 12, 2007, at 13:35:11
In reply to Don't wanna' GO ON anymore!!!! **trigger**, posted by Fivefires on September 11, 2007, at 23:19:49
it's tough. and life sucks sometimes. but, sometime, when you get a burst of energy, you can stock up on crackers and set them beside your bed. that way, you'll have them waiting for you when you need them (seven up or ginger ale is good for tummy too!!)!!!
i'm sorry you feel so sad right now. but remember all the times you didn't feel sad? think of all the times you have to look forward to in the future when you won't feel sad.
hang in there hun. i care!
kk
Posted by Fivefires on September 12, 2007, at 17:43:37
In reply to awww sweetie..., posted by karen_kay on September 12, 2007, at 13:35:11
> it's tough. and life sucks sometimes.>
So bad!!!
> but, sometime, when you get a burst of energy, you can stock up on crackers and set them beside your bed. that way, you'll have them waiting for you when you need them (seven up or ginger ale is good for tummy too!!)!!!
>Great idea. I'm doin' this. I'll put the kind of things you find yourself needing when your ill or even lonely or sad, in an under-the-bed box! That can't be bad feng shui can it? Feng shui says not to put things under your bed; but I think that means bad things. What a really good idea, buttttt, ya' know what, sometimes I think, well I didn't do it this time, but sometimes ... I just want someone to show me they care about me. There, I said it. Yes, sometimes I just want to know someone cares. If this is called attention getting, well okay.
> i'm sorry you feel so sad right now.Thank you hon'. My pute was not cooperating w/ me earlier today and couldn't respond until now; nearly 4p my time.
> but remember all the times you didn't feel sad?>
Sort of, but sometimes it's so hard to see them if it's been too long, ya know. But in my life things have changed in a day. It's just been too long a stint here. I started a new med, first time on an atyp antipsych and feel I've maybe already developed a tolerance. Should call pdoc before closes up for the day. I think I'll post about Remeron. Nothing but Eff-XR has worked for me. Other ADs (I'm not on one.) all cause too much anxiety.
>think of all the times you have to look forward to in the future when you won't feel sad.
>You really think there are good times ahead? You must have the faith that I've lost at this time. Throw some at me if you will.
> hang in there hun.>
Okay. I'll try.
Whoops. I ran over your post, where you said 'I care' and it was the most important part. :(
Know I've given you reason not to be so supportive, and yet, here u were. A very good quality.
> kk
5f
Posted by karen_kay on September 12, 2007, at 19:30:56
In reply to Re: awww sweetie..., posted by Fivefires on September 12, 2007, at 17:43:37
better still... don't be so hard on yourself sweets. i don't recall you ever being anything but sweet and kind to me.
put that box under your bed. i think that thigns like superstitions, feng shway (ha ha, stop laughing at my spelling; i'm soudning it out damn it adn i can't be too far off!!!), adn the like only work as well as you allow them to. might i add, i stepped on every crack i could growing up and my mother's back is MESSED up! (i'm highly supestitious and am thinking of removing a piece of metal i have because i fear it's interrupting my communication.) so, back to what i was saying, if you think it's gonna be good for you (and it would be, to be able to pull out all sorts of goodies just when you want them!~!!! imagine, when you feel lonely and are stuck in bed, you can reach down and pull out a postcard, rather than be reminded that you are ill, you know?) then do it!!
for crying otu loud, when you get the energy up, put a box of chocolate, crackers, ginger ale (also good to drink at room temp), left over notes or posts you've printed out (hint hint, print this one :), cross words, and a gigantic picture of me thumb tacked to your ceiling! i can also send a wallet sized one, for your perfect box of goodies!
you deserve to feel safe, warm, comfy (and of course turned on, when you look at my pic!),
kk *have a great day hun
Posted by Fivefires on September 12, 2007, at 20:07:07
In reply to good thing i've got a horrible memory :) » Fivefires, posted by karen_kay on September 12, 2007, at 19:30:56
I'm just starting to feel sad again but I posted it on PB instead of here. I can't think straight.
I'll see if my stomach can hold some chocolate. Feel like a little hot coffee too. I know it makes me a little jittery, butt, better jiggle than completely immobile and frozen in lonely fear.
Your humor helps me so much. Send some of it w/ the faith, oh KK?
UrOnMyCeilingHaHa, 5f
Posted by Phillipa on September 12, 2007, at 22:19:51
In reply to Re: good thing i've got a horrible memory :), posted by Fivefires on September 12, 2007, at 20:07:07
FF mailed you some crackers should be there in the morning . Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on September 13, 2007, at 0:18:30
In reply to Re: good thing i've got a horrible memory :) » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on September 12, 2007, at 22:19:51
UR too much Phillipa! Hope they're Ze*ta's w/ salt. Ha! :)
I found some chocolate.
Took some doxycycline and dicyclomine (bowel anti-spasmodic) so I could try and eat (have some Imodium ICOE), but have no appetite.
I'm so heart-broken, can't eat, can't sleep, (forget this line), I'm in deep.
(Yes, said this is another post.)
Seriously suffering from big ole' heartbreak. It hurts like anxiety. Oh pls any1 who prays, pray for me so I'll get another chance at love. I know it's true you don't get over one w/o a new one. Cold and harsh and sensitive, but way applies to me.
What were we talking about? Oh this, I guess.
I'm obsessing, remembering all the good, and the bad has disappeared. But, I knwo, after 10min w/ him, I'll again be focusing on the bad.
What is it w/ this????????? Any1 say?
Tomorrow I must gather the courage to tell this new guy I cannot see him or talk w/ him any longer. You guys know what he really wants. Otherwise, why would he bother w/ someone who is still in love w/ another person.
Went to my mailbox hoping he'd written again.
I want to move to a different location. Could you all add this to the prayer?
I love all you girls/guys like you were more real than IRL.
I'm sorry I've not given back as much as I've rec'd here; I know this to be the truth. I've done only what I can manage. I don't push myself hard enough.
Too upset to keep posting. Just wanna' lie down and let all thse bad bad feelings float out of me and focus on some good thoughts, like the things sig-other did which hurt me and led me to filing the OO*.
Testosterone good for memory KK. But, afa I know, it may only come in tab formula. A cream or patch would be better. They like to add progesterone to it in a compounding pharmacy, but progesterone is fatiguing.
CALLING ALL MEN, please tell me how to avoid letting on my feelings to anyone he might know or whom might be watching me. I don't wish him to know how much I'm suffering. Afraid he would like it. Has anyone been in his shoes? Would you call me a b*tch for doing what I did? Am a one? Or, am I not 'enough of one'. Should I instead be brutally confident. Seems those are the women who get the man they love and keep them. What do I do wrong? No, I don't mean to state I wish to suffocate a man.
I know, enough for now.
5f
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