Posted by Fivefires on September 12, 2007, at 13:31:53
In reply to Re: Don't wanna' GO ON anymore!!!! **trigger**, posted by seldomseen on September 12, 2007, at 10:01:54
> Boy do I understand where you are coming from. There is nothing worse than being sick to reinforce how alone we really can feel.
>Thank you. My invisible illness is always blamed if I should become physically ill. The people (Whatever happened to families?) think I'm having 'a bad time', instead of being truly physically ill. And about the isolation, I fear it will make me more ill than I already am. I fear I'm going to lose any knowledge or understanding or kind of 'my mindfulness' because there is no one from which to receive feedback.
> When I had all of my wisdom teeth out, I was so sick and so alone that I actually called my mother - what a huge mistake.>
Mine as well has a problem w/ validating me. She tends to make me feel like I did something wrong to cause this. It's just her way, not deliberate, but it hurts.
>So sometimes being alone is better than the alternative.
>I can remember being in good relationships and bad relationships, so there were some times when my being ill was like my 'misbehaving'. I cherish the relationships gone by where there was unconditional support.
> Let me say that you are NOT nothing. Right now you are someone whose being is significantly weakened by the flu. Your body will eventually get over this. This will pass.
>I'd gotten my hopes up after beginning an atypical antipsychotic for the first time in my life nearly a month ago. I did feel better. I wonder if I've developed a tolerance level already. I wouldn't doubt it. I do this w/ most every med.
But if I were younger and if I were 'more perfect' then someone good would want me and they'd be with me and I'd not be alone, and I'd not feel like 'nothing'. I don't understand why no one wants me (whom I want) anymore. Is it age? Has every wrapped themselves up in their lives and hidden from and refused to allow someone who needs a place to be .. near them? If my life continues like this, oh what a terrible waste. I'd be a burden or I am a burden. I guess I should call my pdoc. I see my PCP 2moro but he doesn't like to discuss the emotional side of my life. Because RBCs low, told to take folic acid AND folate. Talked to three diff' progressionals and they couldn't tell me the diff' so my doc said to take both. I wonder if I'm taking too much.
Sorry, keep going from talking about life to talking about meds.
> Also, just because you are alone, does not mean that you are nothing.>
But if I was important wouldn't someone want to be with me?
>You have meaning and merit simply because you are who you are. I'm not at all sure that being alone in any way makes you less of a something.>
I'm sorry but it feels like sacrifice. I've had more in my life than some people probably have had in their entire life and I'm midage. Maybe I am so spoiled I'm being punished. Maybe I took too much for granted. Maybe I didn't handle love carefully. I thought I was. I always prayed. I always helped people. I never deliberately hurt anyone. What reason is there if it's not sacrifice or 'now you get yours'. Has life become too busy for the invisible illnesses.
>
> Yeah, other people can help and make it easier, but they really can't make us something.
>It's just that when someone makes a nice gesture towards me, I think to myself 'I am important enough for a person to 'do whatever the person did', and I think to myself 'I must matter' .. ya know?
> Please take care of yourself and know that this flu will pass.
I'll try. There are some errands which will 'run out of time' to be done. I cannot do them and no one will help me? I will lose money. I'm already feeling sick to my stomach again this morning. There's no way I can miss my PCP appt as I'm on a med which must be refilled w/ a paper scrip each month. Maybe I can take some dicyclomine and push myself to get a lot done 2moro. If I horrible, well I'm sick! I'm tired of all this makeup and 'if you look good you are good bullsh*t'. Prob' is I hate my PCP to see me like this. He thinks my c-spine pain for which I am prescribed meds by him contributes to my unhappiness. I would have asked him for a flu shot too (if they had the medium yet) but you can't do this when you've got it.
>You will be well. Try to look forward to that.
>Okay, Thanks, 5f
> Seldom.
>
>
poster:Fivefires
thread:782365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070827/msgs/782459.html