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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lost Soul on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
Hello. I am reaching out today. I have so much stuff going on inside of me that I can't seem to let it out. There is a lot of bad stuff that happened to me as a child and for some reason it is bothering me now. You would think that by this point in my life (I am now 29), my childhood issues would be far behind me but they aren't. Infact, they seem to be bothering me far worse now than they have in the past. It is like it is all coming back and I am feeling very angry and helpless and very hurt from them. This Thanksgiving, I will be spending alone with just me and my girls. I am so angry that I refuse to even speak to my mother or my father. This will upset them and in the past I have always said what I was supposed to so as not to upset them, but now - I want to upset them. I want them to know that I am angry at them. I want them to hurt the way that I do, but I don't believe that they will ever even care. I am feeling very isolated and very uninterested in socializing with anyone. I just need to talk, to get everything thats on the inside out. I need to talk to someone who does not know me and won't judge me or look down on me. I need to talk to someone who has had issues like these before and who will understand. I want to tell what happened but I am afraid to tell anyone that I know. I want to say everything that is inside of me. It would almost be a relief just to get it out and yet I am so afraid to put it to words. I am thinking about just typing it all into a post like this one and then just seeing what everyone has to say about it. Yet the idea of being critized for it is very scary. I just want this pain to go away. I want it to stop. I don't know how to make it stop. I'm hurt, I'm angry, and I need someone to talk to. If anyone is interested in talking, in hearing and not judging, please respond.
Posted by Lost Soul on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to just need to talk, posted by Lost Soul on November 14, 2006, at 19:10:25
Sorry wrong forum.
Posted by B2chica on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to just need to talk, posted by Lost Soul on November 14, 2006, at 19:10:25
writing this stuff out is a great idea but if you can i strongly suggest trying to see a therapist. that way there is a IRL person there for you and can help guide your memories and actions.
also, please continue to post, however it may be much more beneficial for you to post on the psychology board [http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/] (or link at top of page) . Most of the folks there have been through some pretty rough stuff and are VERY VERY supportive.
and just so you know, my 'stuff' didn't arise until i hit 30. then i started having floods of 'forgotten/repressed' whatever memories come back. with therapy and meds i'm now doing much better. but just know you don't have to do this alone.and you know what, you don't HAVE to always be nice to everyone. you're allowed to be angry, AND express it. but a good therapist will help direct that anger in the right places. Ever heard that song by the Dixie Chicks "not ready to make nice", well that's my theme song for my 'mother'.
here's to a Wonderful Thanksgiving for you and your girls...you are Certainly NOT alone with them!
best wishes
b2c.
Posted by Lost Soul on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to Re: just need to talk » Lost Soul, posted by B2chica on November 15, 2006, at 10:43:34
>
Hi. I am very glad that you responded. You sound like you understand. Unfortunately, I am a single mom of 3 little ones so finding a therapist is not really going to happen as it takes everything I have to make ends meet as it is now.
Can I ask how the 'forgotten/repressed' memories came about? There is a lot of my childhood that I can not remember and the parts that I do remember are not ones that I want to remember. I wonder why it is that it bothers me now? Do you have insight as to why your stuff didn't start bothering you until you were 30? I mean, I have always had bad feelings about the memories that I do have - I have been angry before - I have never been able to touch my mother without feeling physically ill. When I was 16 I had a very vivid dream about chopping my mother up into tiny little pieces just to hear her scream all the while I was screaming "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU" at her. That scared me so much that I dropped out of school got a full time job and left home - I never went back. For so many years I have thought that I was ok with things, that I had come to terms with them but now I feel this anger building back up and I keep thinking more and more about what happened. It is affecting my relationship with my girls and my boyfriend. I find that I get irritated easily and I am becoming paranoid about things that I know I should not be paranoid about. I keep dwelling on memories and feelings. My mom has called me 2x this week about my daughters birthday and Thanksgiving (her birthday is right on Thanksgiving this year). She wants me to call her back and let her know if we will be coming to her house for dinner but I just don't feel like I could fake another interaction with her. I feel like it has all been fake - that none of the whole "i love you" was ever real. I don't want to call her back and I am feeling tremendously guilty about it. Which brings in more anger. My whole life, all she has ever done is to tell me how horrible I was. Everytime one of her boyfriends left her, she blamed me. She was calling me a whore and worse and accusing me of being pregnant since before I was 10. She threatened to leave me on the streets more than once as I grew up. She left me with one of her boyfriends once as she explained how she just couldn't handle being my mom and she just couldn't take care of me and how she knew that I understood and she just wasn't ever going to come back. Everytime, I felt like it was all my fault, I did anything I could do to make her feel that whatever she was doing was ok so as not to upset her. The time she was telling me she was leaving for good, I told her it was ok. I told her that I would be fine and that I understood. The whole time I was planning on how I would take care of myself after she left cuz I wasn't about to stay and live with her boyfriend. I don't feel like telling her it was ok anymore. I don't feel like pretending that it ever was to begin with. I want to tell her how angry I am at her for what she did. But it would not solve anything. It would only make her angry and she would deny it.Sorry this is so long. I know I should post this on the other site, but you really sounded like you might understand and can possibly help me understand? I want to try to understand why all of this is bothering me now. I want to understand the fuzzy dark incomplete memories that float around in my head like little bubbles - too close of an inspection might cause them to pop and disappear.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to Re: just need to talk » B2chica, posted by Lost Soul on November 15, 2006, at 15:33:04
> Sorry this is so long. I know I should post this on the other site, but you really sounded like you might understand and can possibly help me understand? I want to try to understand why all of this is bothering me now. I want to understand the fuzzy dark incomplete memories that float around in my head like little bubbles - too close of an inspection might cause them to pop and disappear.
It's okay Lost Soul-
Since you *did* post here, I'm going to give you some advice to find a doctor who can help you figure out if there is a medicine that will help make your life more manageable in the midst of some fairly intense memory flashbacks.I LOVE your description of bubbles popping. I'm so glad i'm not the only one who has that feeling. You know, the fact that these bubbles are surfacing from the depths might be a message to you. It might be a sign that you are ready to start working on some of these deep tragedies of your childhood. No child, no person should be treated as you were treated. Bubbles mean that you have stirred something up. Something that's been fermenting in the murky depths. Don't worry if it doesn't feel "real". It may never feel real. But you can try and put the pieces together. I think you are brave enough.
I had some pharmacological help during this process of self-discovery. I had to make sure that the surfacing bubbles didn't capsize my ship. I was suicidally depressed, and so I had to get out of THAT. My first experience with therapy and meds were about 6 mos ago. Then the feelings started. Feelings brought memories, and memories brought more feelings, and the terror and anxiety were nearly unbearable. I got more pharmacological intervention at this point, switched T's to a therapist that would help me deal long-term with these issues.
I know it's tough being a single mom. It's REALLY tough to be a single mom who's not supported. Finding a therapist, even if it's only one hour a week, can help you be a better mom for your kids. It's not a selfish thing at all. If you had been deprived of a vitamin as a child, and grew up with a weak skeleton and needed 1 hour of physical therapy a week-- would you feel bad about it? Well?
Anyways, signs that you might need medicines to help you out are when you are having a lot of cognitive problems (can't remember phone numbers, forgetting to run errands) insomnia, trouble with your appetite, too much sleep, change in how much energy you have, thoughts of death or suicide, thoughts of harming others.
I think you'll find that medication and therapy can really improve your life, and help you make the most out of every day you have earned the right to enjoy.
best wishes,
-Lip.s.
I take anti-depressant cymbalta
I take a sedative and anti-bad-thought medicine seroquel
I take an anti-napping medicine provigil
sometimes I take an anti panic medicine klonopin(((((hugs for you)))))
Posted by ronaldo on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to just need to talk, posted by Lost Soul on November 14, 2006, at 19:10:25
Hello Lost Soul
You do seem lost. Can you tell me how old your oldest daughter is, is she the one whose birthday is on Thanksgiving Day? Do you think your present resurfacing difficulties have anything to do with your daughter approaching the age when you first became aware of these difficulties as a little girl yourself? Do you have any inkling what your mother's childhood was like? Is your mother's mother, your grandmother still alive? How did your mother get along with her mother? Is this a self-perpetuating thing that passes from mother to daughter? I don't for one second suggest that you will pass this 'curse' down to your own daughters. I think you are too self-aware and have suffered too much yourself to visit these difficulties on your own daughters. You need to be aware that YOU are not the problem. Your MOTHER is. Perhaps your mother should be seeing a 'shrink', not you. I think it would help you if you focussed more on your mother and less on yourself. You need to forgive your mother, you need to understand your mother, you need to switch the spotlight away from your own difficulties. Understanding is half way to forgiving. If you can understand your mother it will be easier to forgive her. Is she presently married to your father? What was his role in your childhood?
These bitter childhood memories are surfacing now for a specific reason. If you can find that reason you may be halfway to a cure. Don't hate your mother. It's too late for hate. Now is the time to try to understand.
I think that maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the fact that your eldest is growing up and reaching the age of self-awareness which was the age when YOU first experienced your difficulties.
I hope you find a lasting solution to your churning emotions but don't hate your mother just try to understand. I hated my mother for a long time, about twelve long years and it didn't do me any good. Actually I lie because it did force me to understand. It was a piecemeal affair and long and difficult but today I sit with a solution I can live with, and I do not hate my mother anymore. She was never worthy of my hate, but she never did or said anything as bad as what your mother may have done.
It is doubtful that you could reach the plane of understanding on your own without the help of others. Coming to psychobabble was a good move on your part. Maybe someone here can jog your memory or provide a key that will help you to unravel this mess. I was going to say that maybe you could go to psychotherapy with your mother the two of you together. This might give the therapist the insight he needs to get to the bottom of your predicament. But you say you do not have the money for a therapist. Never mind. I think some people over rate therapists.
It comes to me now that you might have been a hinderance in your mother's life. Maybe she wanted to move on, remarry, start a new life and you were the obstacle that blocked the way. Maybe that is why she accused you of becoming pregnant, perhaps she regretted ever falling pregnant with your good self. Noone can stand accused of being born.
Whatever LS I hope you find a solution. Remember your mother is/was just a woman. Being your mother did not make her a saint. Perhaps you expected too much of her. Maybe the solution is much simpler than we think. What you need to do is put yourself in your mother's shoes and think the way she would think. And don't try to be a better mother than she is/was. And don't try to punish her by withholding access to her grandchildren. There are no good mothers and bad mothers, there are just mothers. Forget the bad times if you possibly can and just remember the good times. Try to forgive, it is the greatest comfort to your own soul. Try to take your kids to their grandma's for Thanksgiving.
Posted by Lost Soul on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by ronaldo on November 16, 2006, at 4:38:54
>Hi Ronaldo,
"Can you tell me how old your oldest daughter is, is she the one whose birthday is on Thanksgiving Day? Do you think your present resurfacing difficulties have anything to do with your daughter approaching the age when you first became aware of these difficulties as a little girl yourself?"
--My oldest daughter is 9. Her birthday was in August. It is my 6 (going to be 7) who's birthday is on Thanksgiving. I don't think what's going on with me has to do with their ages. I have very frightening early memories from when I was very very young. At 10 was about the age that I started fighting back - I started feeling angry and showing it. As for my mothers childhood, I understood it to be a good one. She was one of 5 kids and I have never heard any bad stories from any aunts or uncles. I think my moms problem came straight from alcohol. As for me being a hindrance- you could definitely be right. I have an older brother and even though he was constantly in jail for stealing, drugs, violence, etc... etc.. she was always screaming at me. She blamed me for him being in jail on christmas because he broke and entered somewhere and got caught. I don't believe this is a self perpetuating thing. My grandma always seemed normal.
"You need to forgive your mother, you need to understand your mother,"
--As for me forgiving my mother, I thought I had. I have had a strained relationship with her. I have never denied her the right to see my kids, in fact, I would on rare occasions call and ask her if she wanted to see them. She never had time to see them. They were just one more hindrance on her time. She only feels like seeing them once every 6 monthes or so. The only reason she is calling now is because of Thanksgiving or else she wouldn't be calling. As for seeing a therapist with her, the mere thought of it makes me ill. I can't stand to be close to her. To touch her would take more strength than I have. Much less to share any of my personal thoughts with her. And as much as she was verbally abusive, I do not understand where my aversion to being near her or close to her comes from. I understand where my anger comes from, but why do I feel nauseous when she tries to touch me?
"Is she presently married to your father? What was his role in your childhood?"
She is not married to my father - they seperated when I was about 6 or 7. As for his role.... I guess that's a scary part to think about. I have really dark memories from the short period of time he was with us. I have dark memories that I can't quite place a time frame on but were around that time. I have questionable memories of times that I was with him that don't make sense. I remember lots of anger and lots of violence. He used to beat my brother and I can remember hiding in a corner trying to plug my ears because hearing my brothers screams was so horrible and my dad just kept hitting him and hitting him and he would just scream and scream. I was only about 3 or 4 years old, he was about 5 or 6. It is a truly horrible feeling to hear someone you love in so much pain and you can't do anything to stop it. You hear stories about how mothers can lift cars off of their babies due to pure adrenaline, I know the feeling. It is a hard knot that forces you to do something, anything in your power to relieve that knot, to stop that terrifying and horrible pain - there is no thought, you just act. To this day, I cannot stand to see people being hurt. I can't even watch tv shows or movies that have that kind of violence in them.
Posted by ronaldo on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to Re: just need to talk » ronaldo, posted by Lost Soul on November 16, 2006, at 14:14:19
>
> --My oldest daughter is 9. Her birthday was in August. It is my 6 (going to be 7) who's birthday is on Thanksgiving. I don't think what's going on with me has to do with their ages.OK
>I have very frightening early memories from when I was very very young. At 10 was about the age that I started fighting back - I started feeling angry and showing it. As for my mothers childhood, I understood it to be a good one. She was one of 5 kids and I have never heard any bad stories from any aunts or uncles. I think my moms problem came straight from alcohol.
Alcohol can explain a lot...
>As for me being a hindrance- you could definitely be right. I have an older brother and even though he was constantly in jail for stealing, drugs, violence, etc... etc.. she was always screaming at me. She blamed me for him being in jail on christmas because he broke and entered somewhere and got caught.
Your mother seems to have made you feel very guilty. Maybe that was her way of punishing you. Was she also physically abusive? This may be the root cause of your repugnance to touch her. Is your brother still alive? Could you get in touch with him? Would it make you feel any better if you were to get in touch with him and you were to talk about those dark times? It seems you were once very close.
>I don't believe this is a self perpetuating thing. My grandma always seemed normal.
Thats good. I take it that your grandma has passed away?
> --As for me forgiving my mother, I thought I had. I have had a strained relationship with her. I have never denied her the right to see my kids, in fact, I would on rare occasions call and ask her if she wanted to see them. She never had time to see them. They were just one more hindrance on her time. She only feels like seeing them once every 6 monthes or so. The only reason she is calling now is because of Thanksgiving or else she wouldn't be calling. As for seeing a therapist with her, the mere thought of it makes me ill. I can't stand to be close to her. To touch her would take more strength than I have. Much less to share any of my personal thoughts with her. And as much as she was verbally abusive, I do not understand where my aversion to being near her or close to her comes from.
>I understand where my anger comes from, but why do I feel nauseous when she tries to touch me?
Could it be the memories of the GUILT she made you feel?> "Is she presently married to your father? What was his role in your childhood?"
> She is not married to my father - they seperated when I was about 6 or 7. As for his role.... I guess that's a scary part to think about. I have really dark memories from the short period of time he was with us. I have dark memories that I can't quite place a time frame on but were around that time. I have questionable memories of times that I was with him that don't make sense. I remember lots of anger and lots of violence. He used to beat my brother and I can remember hiding in a corner trying to plug my ears because hearing my brothers screams was so horrible and my dad just kept hitting him and hitting him and he would just scream and scream. I was only about 3 or 4 years old, he was about 5 or 6. It is a truly horrible feeling to hear someone you love in so much pain and you can't do anything to stop it. You hear stories about how mothers can lift cars off of their babies due to pure adrenaline, I know the feeling. It is a hard knot that forces you to do something, anything in your power to relieve that knot, to stop that terrifying and horrible pain - there is no thought, you just act. To this day, I cannot stand to see people being hurt. I can't even watch tv shows or movies that have that kind of violence in them.Is your dad still alive? Do you have any contact with him? Did he ever express any remorse for what he did to you and your brother?
I'm truly sorry for all your pain, LS. I underestimated what you have been through. My childhood was idyllic compared to yours. If you cannot bear to touch your mother then I think you are right - you should give Thanksgiving a miss. I am sorry I underestimated your pain. I hope talking has made you feel better in some way. I am rather short on practical advice but I will always lend a sympathetic ear. I realise that some things are too dark to talk about. Do what you feel easy with.
I hope your Thanksgiving will be a happy and peaceful occasion for you and your loved ones.
...ronaldo
Posted by ronaldo on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49
In reply to Re: just need to talk » ronaldo, posted by Lost Soul on November 16, 2006, at 14:14:19
Posted by B2chica on November 18, 2006, at 16:39:11
In reply to Re: just need to talk » B2chica, posted by Lost Soul on November 15, 2006, at 15:33:04
sorry diidn't respond earlier, i don't have frequent access to internet.
for years i had moved away from familly and all the 'bad' stuff. i was in school, lived alone and loved it. could do school and work for all day and only had to 'stress' about upcoming tests.
i got married after graduation and was still living away from family and was 'ok', but started to get some depressive bouts. i then lost my closest friend/co-worker, a year later i lost an old friend to suicide, that same year i was in grad school, working full time (difficulties with boss), and we moved into our first home, a few months later my parents moved to same town and fairly close by. i started going down hill and it just got worse. i think it was during some of these severe bouts that some memories started to come around the corner, it wasn't till i started seeing a therapist that they started to flood out.
it was very difficult even with help.
though our stories aren't the same, i too had 'issues' with 'mother'. and things i can't forgive yet. my T said it's ok, that i need time to be angry. and whether or not i do 'holiday' time with family is up to me, NOT pressures to be a good daughter or wife...etc. for once in my life i need to do what's right for me...not others.
a whore at 10 huh...not bad, i wasn't deemed a whore till i was 13. (don't mean to make lite but...jeez, wtf right)well, one thing for better or worse i can almost guarantee that those bubbles won't disappear, they will just grow. and a good T can Really hellp you with not only bringing them to light but being able to deal with them. when my memories started to flood back a few came incomplete, then i started to get TONS of flashbacks happening at all times some i couldn't quite understand and others were crystal clear but i was new to the T game and couldn't express my pain and ended up in the hospital due to an OD.
i am only telling you that because these 'memories' is a tricky lot and should be handled with care. PLEASE it may take all you have but try to find a T. and check around because many work on sliding scales.
Also, i was on medication and between the two i got better. you may not always need the meds, but i strongly suggest them while you are dealing with these issues.btw i know Lindenblute frequents the psy board and is very helpful.
i'm not sure i was a lot of help, but please know you are NOT alone here. i've been coming here for about 3 years and there have been a few times where it was the people here that kept me afloat. and one time nearly saved my life.
best wishes to you and your children, it won't be an easy road but Please get assistance.
please be kind to yourself during this process.
(((best wishes)))
b2c.(ps, i think you are most certainly NOT a lost soul, or ever will be.)
Posted by Phillipa on November 18, 2006, at 22:35:08
In reply to Re: just need to talk » Lost Soul, posted by B2chica on November 17, 2006, at 10:19:08
Lost Soul so glad you came here. I do think you will get more support and knowledge on the psychology board right here on babble. You are an emotionally strong person. Is there a mental health clinic near you? They can provide you with a psychiatrist for med to help in the beginning and a therapist for long term help. And usually work on a sliding scale fee. Please stay well. There is hope and support for you here and out there too. Love Phillipa
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