Posted by ronaldo on November 17, 2006, at 2:01:55 [reposted on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49 | original URL]
In reply to Re: just need to talk » ronaldo, posted by Lost Soul on November 16, 2006, at 14:14:19
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> --My oldest daughter is 9. Her birthday was in August. It is my 6 (going to be 7) who's birthday is on Thanksgiving. I don't think what's going on with me has to do with their ages.OK
>I have very frightening early memories from when I was very very young. At 10 was about the age that I started fighting back - I started feeling angry and showing it. As for my mothers childhood, I understood it to be a good one. She was one of 5 kids and I have never heard any bad stories from any aunts or uncles. I think my moms problem came straight from alcohol.
Alcohol can explain a lot...
>As for me being a hindrance- you could definitely be right. I have an older brother and even though he was constantly in jail for stealing, drugs, violence, etc... etc.. she was always screaming at me. She blamed me for him being in jail on christmas because he broke and entered somewhere and got caught.
Your mother seems to have made you feel very guilty. Maybe that was her way of punishing you. Was she also physically abusive? This may be the root cause of your repugnance to touch her. Is your brother still alive? Could you get in touch with him? Would it make you feel any better if you were to get in touch with him and you were to talk about those dark times? It seems you were once very close.
>I don't believe this is a self perpetuating thing. My grandma always seemed normal.
Thats good. I take it that your grandma has passed away?
> --As for me forgiving my mother, I thought I had. I have had a strained relationship with her. I have never denied her the right to see my kids, in fact, I would on rare occasions call and ask her if she wanted to see them. She never had time to see them. They were just one more hindrance on her time. She only feels like seeing them once every 6 monthes or so. The only reason she is calling now is because of Thanksgiving or else she wouldn't be calling. As for seeing a therapist with her, the mere thought of it makes me ill. I can't stand to be close to her. To touch her would take more strength than I have. Much less to share any of my personal thoughts with her. And as much as she was verbally abusive, I do not understand where my aversion to being near her or close to her comes from.
>I understand where my anger comes from, but why do I feel nauseous when she tries to touch me?
Could it be the memories of the GUILT she made you feel?> "Is she presently married to your father? What was his role in your childhood?"
> She is not married to my father - they seperated when I was about 6 or 7. As for his role.... I guess that's a scary part to think about. I have really dark memories from the short period of time he was with us. I have dark memories that I can't quite place a time frame on but were around that time. I have questionable memories of times that I was with him that don't make sense. I remember lots of anger and lots of violence. He used to beat my brother and I can remember hiding in a corner trying to plug my ears because hearing my brothers screams was so horrible and my dad just kept hitting him and hitting him and he would just scream and scream. I was only about 3 or 4 years old, he was about 5 or 6. It is a truly horrible feeling to hear someone you love in so much pain and you can't do anything to stop it. You hear stories about how mothers can lift cars off of their babies due to pure adrenaline, I know the feeling. It is a hard knot that forces you to do something, anything in your power to relieve that knot, to stop that terrifying and horrible pain - there is no thought, you just act. To this day, I cannot stand to see people being hurt. I can't even watch tv shows or movies that have that kind of violence in them.Is your dad still alive? Do you have any contact with him? Did he ever express any remorse for what he did to you and your brother?
I'm truly sorry for all your pain, LS. I underestimated what you have been through. My childhood was idyllic compared to yours. If you cannot bear to touch your mother then I think you are right - you should give Thanksgiving a miss. I am sorry I underestimated your pain. I hope talking has made you feel better in some way. I am rather short on practical advice but I will always lend a sympathetic ear. I realise that some things are too dark to talk about. Do what you feel easy with.
I hope your Thanksgiving will be a happy and peaceful occasion for you and your loved ones.
...ronaldo
poster:ronaldo
thread:704947
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061106/msgs/704954.html