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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Ever been in one? I have, quite recently. It was pale yellow, rather filthy looking. When I first got walked in, there wasn't even a bed. Just four yellow stained walls. They were marked up and carved into. One area seemed to have been pee'd upon.
There was a camera on the wall, up high in the corner. I wondered what would happen if I stood under it so they couldn't see me. The video monitors were out in the hallway. Anyone walking by could see me in that tiny hospital gown, caged.
Eventually they brought in a bed. But somewhere inside I had the thought that if I sat on it, then I'd really be a psych patient. If I stayed standing, I'd still be OK. So I stood. And paced. And leaned against the filthy wall. After a few hours, I relented and climbed into the bed, trying to keep myself covered with that slutty little gown.
How did I get here? Me? Holy cr*p. It's come to this? I couldn't stop shaking my head in amazement at my predicament.
How do we encorporate this sort of experience into our lives? How do we change the definition of who we are? Now I am someone who gets locked up. I'm struggling to process all of this.
Em
Posted by rubenstein on July 8, 2006, at 13:54:09
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
>THat must have been really traumatic. My trip to the hospital was and I was never in a padded cell. I hope you are recovering. Take care. I wish I had more words to say.
rachel
Ever been in one? I have, quite recently. It was pale yellow, rather filthy looking. When I first got walked in, there wasn't even a bed. Just four yellow stained walls. They were marked up and carved into. One area seemed to have been pee'd upon.
>
> There was a camera on the wall, up high in the corner. I wondered what would happen if I stood under it so they couldn't see me. The video monitors were out in the hallway. Anyone walking by could see me in that tiny hospital gown, caged.
>
> Eventually they brought in a bed. But somewhere inside I had the thought that if I sat on it, then I'd really be a psych patient. If I stayed standing, I'd still be OK. So I stood. And paced. And leaned against the filthy wall. After a few hours, I relented and climbed into the bed, trying to keep myself covered with that slutty little gown.
>
> How did I get here? Me? Holy cr*p. It's come to this? I couldn't stop shaking my head in amazement at my predicament.
>
> How do we encorporate this sort of experience into our lives? How do we change the definition of who we are? Now I am someone who gets locked up. I'm struggling to process all of this.
>
> Em
Posted by Poet on July 8, 2006, at 13:58:59
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Hi Em,
You have survived my worst nightmare. I am terrified of being hospitalized in the first place. Locked up in a padded cell would be unbearable unless they drugged me out of my skull.
This is why I don't ever want to go inpatient. What's left of my dignity taken from me. Horrors!
I'm so sorry you had to experience it. I have no idea of how you process it. I know it would be impossible for me.
Poet
Posted by Deneb on July 8, 2006, at 17:21:33
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
What a horrible experience! I think I would throw a serious tantrum if I ever got locked up in a room like that. I would probably yell and scream and bang on the doors and jump and yell some more.
I was locked up in the psych ward once and I really wanted out. I threw a little tantrum where I threw some candy.
Deneb*
Posted by gardenergirl on July 8, 2006, at 17:41:27
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Oh sweetie, that sounds really awful. I'm sorry you went through that. I wish that professional caring always meant actual caring and consideration, with dignity and respect in all cases.
> How did I get here? Me? Holy cr*p. It's come to this? I couldn't stop shaking my head in amazement at my predicament.
I'm sure I would react that way, too. I imagine it felt a bit surreal.
>
> How do we encorporate this sort of experience into our lives? How do we change the definition of who we are? Now I am someone who gets locked up. I'm struggling to process all of this.I don't know. Maybe it helps to talk about it. Maybe writing about it. Maybe just sitting wth it for awhile? I just know that we are the sum total of our experiences, good and bad. You're so much more than someone "who gets locked up." My definition of my friend Emmy has not changed. I've learned that she's hurting and struggling recently, and I'm sad about that.
But you're still the caring, wise, funny, silly, lovely, talented, thoughtful, honorable, hard-working, smart, tasteful, insightful, tender-tough, generous, dog-loving, spendid bath product-using, marvelous tofubuttsky that I know and love.
It's a blessing to know you, you know.
gg
Posted by ElaineM on July 8, 2006, at 17:53:21
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Emmy: Never posted on this board before, but your message was so heart-breakingly eloquent. I've never been in a room like that, but I've been in the closet-like interrogation room before. The one where they ask you the same questions every other T, Pdoc, counsellors ask, and then decide whether they've gotta keep you, or can send you on your way. I remember the video camera though. And I remember that they locked me in it, when an emergency alarm went off and they had to deal with someone the police were bringing in. I sat curled in the chair for four hours waiting, listening to the man across the hall screaming at the top of his lungs.
It must've been horrifying for you. It's hard enough when you feel, People don't know me at all, harder when you come to realize that you don't even know yourself. Or at least the person you thought you were.
I don't know how to move on. At least not in a functional way. I think I still run from that experience rather than encorporate it. I've never felt so scared as when my autonomy was taken away, so all I've thought of since is how I can make sure that that will never ever be me again. I know that's probably not healthy. So I think you're really brave even writing about it. Have you told others before about what it was like? How did they react?
I can't fully identify, but I have a small sense of what that may have felt like for you. I hope my responding out of the blue, doesn't creep you out. I don't really know alot of the screen-names on the this or other boards. But your message was so moving.
I hope you can find some comfort.
(((((tofuemmy)))))
Elaine
Posted by Phillipa on July 8, 2006, at 22:10:57
In reply to Re: My first padded cell, posted by ElaineM on July 8, 2006, at 17:53:21
Emmee do you want to try and talk about it here?
get out all the horror you felt and it does create a PTSD type of response. I'm sorry this happened to you. Love Phillipa
Posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2006, at 0:03:52
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Wow, looks like it could have at least been clean. That certainly doesn't sound very sanitary.
So are you still in the hospital now? I've never experienced that, it sounds pretty scary. But when its over and done, you'll know you made it through a terribly difficult situation and came out on top (which I know you will).
-T
Posted by muffled on July 9, 2006, at 0:44:21
In reply to Re: My first padded cell » tofuemmy, posted by TexasChic on July 9, 2006, at 0:03:52
I've been stowed in a 'safe room'a time or two.
I've been tied up in restraints.
I've been locked in a jail cell overnite.
I been locked in crowded detox observation more than once.
I'm just another Mom outside the school waiting to pick up my kids.
Mebbe I not so regular, but people generally like me.
I just try not to think about it.....
Just one of those things.
Everybodys got their own sh*t to deal with too.
Dunno what I'm trying to say, just don't sweat it I guess.
Kinda sucks all right,but not the end of the world. Just sucks is all.
Just goto work on getting better.
Been a few years now, mebbe 10? or more since I been locked up in any way.
So there's hope eh?
Take care, you the same person you were b4, you ok.
Muffled
Posted by ClearSkies on July 9, 2006, at 7:10:50
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
A warm and comforting hug for you.
We incorporate all we go through, we don't have to define ourselves by them ultimately but I think it's inevitable when the experience is so fresh.
ClearSkies
Posted by canadagirl on July 9, 2006, at 8:07:08
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
I think, speaking for myself here, many of us could easily be a few steps away from being where you were. We all have our issues and deal with them the best we can. It doesn't mean we are failures. It just means, we are working on things the best we can at any given time. As I like to think, if it were that easy to overcome our problems, we would have done it already. Hang in there.
Posted by Dinah on July 9, 2006, at 9:22:56
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Don't let it change the definition of who we are. You're still Emmy. You've gone through something traumatic, probably several somethings, but you're still Emmy.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
(I think I'd report it to the board of health though. Psych patients deserve the same standards of cleanliness that anyone else in a hospital does.)
Posted by Racer on July 9, 2006, at 13:38:40
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Dunno what to say, Emmy. No, I've never been in a padded room, but I've been hospitalized involuntarily a number of times now. Several three day holds, and a two week hold. One voluntary stay, too. It's never fun. And I felt as though I could feel what you were when I read the part about not sitting on the bed, and my heart goes out to you. That had to be so very, very frightening for you, Emmy, and I'm so sorry you hurt so much.
I don't know what to tell you about incorporating it into your self-image, either. I hate that it's happened to me, and when I think about it I do find myself falling into a pit of shameful despair. It's horrible. Then again, I think you have more going for you than I do as far as that goes. That'll help you a lot, I think.
And Emmy? All of our experiences shape us, but we are not those experiences. The whole is so much more than the sum of its parts.
xoxo
Posted by AuntieMel on July 11, 2006, at 9:45:07
In reply to Re: My first padded cell » tofuemmy, posted by Racer on July 9, 2006, at 13:38:40
How absolutely horrible.
But, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. For giving us all even more incentive to work on getting better.
Be good to yourself. Don't let this be more than a bump in the road. A step in a process.
And if they don't treat you better, let me know and I'll go kick some tofu butt for you.
Posted by tofuemmy on July 14, 2006, at 18:08:38
In reply to My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 8, 2006, at 13:27:14
Thank you all so very much. I am doing better and plan to stay that way. I ain't ever going back there!
I appreciate having you all to vent to/with. It's comforting, yet also VERY sad to know that so many understand the humilation, neglect, and cruelty inherent in our MH system. This poo has to change. If I ever need help again, the last place I will go or be "taken" is a hospital. Ain't that pathetic?
Emmy
Posted by TexasChic on July 14, 2006, at 20:16:32
In reply to Re: My first padded cell, posted by tofuemmy on July 14, 2006, at 18:08:38
I'm so glad you're doing better!
-T
This is the end of the thread.
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