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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Deneb on March 16, 2006, at 23:43:12
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks » agent858, posted by Deneb on March 16, 2006, at 23:19:55
I don't remember when I first started getting panic attacks. I think I was really little when they first started. I think it's pretty rare for little kids to get panic attacks. Just my luck.
Did anyone else get panic attacks as a little kid? I just want to see if I was alone.
I didn't know what they were for years. It was really scary.
Deneb*
Posted by agent858 on March 16, 2006, at 23:59:01
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks » agent858, posted by Deneb on March 16, 2006, at 23:19:55
> ((((agent858)))) I wish there was someone to comfort you and love you whenever you get in a bad place.
Babblers are pretty good at that :-)
It can be hard sometimes though. Sometimes it feels like all the love in the world isn't enough... But it is what helps. And a little bit of time... And then I am in a better place to accept the help that is offered.
> That gives me hope. Maybe past hurts can still be healed.I think so. I still grieve. But I think I grieve less than I used to. And it doesn't feel so very intense so very often any more.
> That's great that you found caring people and now you've internalized them.Mmm. Sort of. Still need teh external support. But then I think everybody does really.
> I still need to learn how to comfort myself.
Yeah. I'm not very good at that at times either. I think it helps wehn other people care about us... Then we learn how to reciprocate that and care for them... And then we learn to internalise that and care for ourself too. Quite often I still have to think 'be gentle with yourself like i would be gentle with another person who i care about' and it can be hard... But that is what helps. Helps when other people help too... But it gets easier to take the bits of help that are offered and then really take that in and take it on board and try and tell yourself the messages that they are telling you... just about saying those things to yourself too.
> It's too bad things like that don't get noticed by people. It makes us feel so alone to suffer in silence.
yeah.
and... asking for help appropriately... is something that has to be learned too...
Posted by Tanzanite on March 17, 2006, at 4:23:37
In reply to My childhood panic attacks, posted by Deneb on March 16, 2006, at 22:07:34
Hi Deneb,
I feel the exact same way about my parents however in my case I dealt with abuse as well.
I started having symtoms of OCD and Anxiety at like the age of five. I was always anxious, alone, and didn't have any friends until junior high school and then I was still an outcast. I used to have panic attacks at school and a couple of times had to go home. When I was 14 I begged my parents to please take me to a doctor. I was screaming, crying, having hysterics,wanting to die, and suffering from anxiety, I don't know what and they never got me any help. They just told me to shut up basically. I wish we could go back and comfort our little lost selves. Maybe that would have helped us now. I wish someone would have been there for us. HUGS Deneb. It is good you put this post up.
Chelle
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 8:52:52
In reply to My childhood, posted by Tanzanite on March 17, 2006, at 4:23:37
I had OCD and panic attacks as an adolescent. Escalating to where they had a hard time getting me to go to school, or anywhere else. They did bring me to a psychiatrist. It didn't help overly much. I wasn't terribly cooperative. So I shouldn't blame the psychiatrist too much for being not terribly helpful.
I know they tried the best way to help. And maybe it would have helped more if they were less angry and more empathetic.
But they did the best they could, given who they were.
Posted by James K on March 17, 2006, at 13:01:31
In reply to Re: My childhood, posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 8:52:52
I found out as a young adult that my family considered my a cry baby. I'm sure I did my share of crying, but I didn't bother to explain to them that whatever hyperventalating actually is, it is not the same thing as crying. And spending time under beds and in closets isn't normal crybaby material either. (as far as I know)
But there wasn't any help to be had. I've asked myself and others why didn't they get me help. But if I remember the time and place and financial situation. If they couldn't help me, it's not likely any third party could have done anything either. What is is.
James K
Posted by naughtypuppy on March 17, 2006, at 14:24:09
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks, posted by Deneb on March 16, 2006, at 22:45:45
I still get panic attacks when I am around wasps or in high places. Funny thing is that I never used to get them until certain incidents that I still remember clearly, even though looking back at them now they were no big deal. Don't mention disassociation when your a kid whatever you do, they put me on anti-psycotics. What a rotten thing to do to a miserable unhappy child.
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 19:51:46
In reply to My childhood, posted by Tanzanite on March 17, 2006, at 4:23:37
> Hi Deneb,
> I feel the exact same way about my parents however in my case I dealt with abuse as well.
> I started having symtoms of OCD and Anxiety at like the age of five.(((((((Tanzanite)))))))
Kids shouldn't have to go through abuse and live in fear. I didn't know kids as young as 5 could get OCD. I don't know why but I always imagined OCD as an adult disorder. I know from reading about OCD that it is a very difficult disorder to live with. I hope things have gotten better rather than worse for you.
>I was always anxious, alone, and didn't have any friends until junior high school and then I was still an outcast.
I'm always alone too. I started going crazy especially during my last year of high school. My social anxiety was the worse it had ever been. I was extremely depressed yet energized with a destructive force within me. I was paranoid too. It's good that you were able to make some friends in junior high. Are they still your friends today? I don't make close friends easily. I still have never had a close friend.
> I used to have panic attacks at school and a couple of times had to go home.
I hate it when stuff like that happens to me at school. Everyone watches. I had a panic attack during one of my labs once when I thought my lab report got a zero for being late.
> When I was 14 I begged my parents to please take me to a doctor. I was screaming, crying, having hysterics,wanting to die, and suffering from anxiety, I don't know what and they never got me any help. They just told me to shut up basically.
:-( It's hard to get adults to listen to kids sometimes.
> I wish we could go back and comfort our little lost selves. Maybe that would have helped us now.
Me too.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 19:59:23
In reply to Re: My childhood, posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 8:52:52
> I had OCD and panic attacks as an adolescent. Escalating to where they had a hard time getting me to go to school, or anywhere else. They did bring me to a psychiatrist. It didn't help overly much. I wasn't terribly cooperative. So I shouldn't blame the psychiatrist too much for being not terribly helpful.
I guess help doesn't always "help" and that's unfortunate. Where you at least comforted by the fact that your parents cared and tried to help?
> But they did the best they could, given who they were.I think my parents did that too, given who they were and what they knew. Sometimes their best just isn't enough and that's frustrating for everyone.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 20:21:30
In reply to Re: My childhood, posted by James K on March 17, 2006, at 13:01:31
> I found out as a young adult that my family considered my a cry baby.
I'm sorry they weren't empathetic. :-(
> I'm sure I did my share of crying, but I didn't bother to explain to them that whatever hyperventalating actually is, it is not the same thing as crying.
They are separate things, but I wouldn't think less of you if you cried.
I sometimes cry and hyperventilate at the same time. I did that a lot when I was little and I still do it once in a while.
> And spending time under beds and in closets isn't normal crybaby material either. (as far as I know)
They should have noticed and tried to make you feel better.
> But there wasn't any help to be had. I've asked myself and others why didn't they get me help. But if I remember the time and place and financial situation. If they couldn't help me, it's not likely any third party could have done anything either. What is is.
I don't think people need to be rich to get help. Understanding and empathy can go a long way.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 20:23:05
In reply to Re: My childhood, posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 20:21:30
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 20:26:37
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks, posted by naughtypuppy on March 17, 2006, at 14:24:09
> I still get panic attacks when I am around wasps or in high places.
My trigger when I was little was strong wind. I used to fear going outside because of the wind.
> Don't mention disassociation when your a kid whatever you do, they put me on anti-psycotics. What a rotten thing to do to a miserable unhappy child.
I didn't know what derealization was back then and I don't think I would have had the vocabulary to describe what I was going through when I was younger.
What happened with you and anti-psychotics?
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on March 17, 2006, at 21:29:20
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks » naughtypuppy, posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 20:26:37
I brought myself up my mother was always in the hospital and my father and sister were together. I came home to an empty house everyday. And one day when they were all there I banged my knuckles on the floor till they all swelled up but nobody cared and once I stole alchohol drank it took a knife and sliced my leg and not even the doctor who stictched it up every mentionted it. Oh well we all have problems. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 21:38:34
In reply to Re: My childhood » Dinah, posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 19:59:23
At the time, I wasn't at all comforted. I didn't feel like they loved me, or that they cared. I felt like they just wanted me to be "good". That they were angry and got "help" for me when I wasn't "good" and that they could not possibly care less that I didn't feel better when I started being "good" again.
Looking back, I see that wasn't fair. I wasn't skilled enough at verbalizing that I still didn't feel well and all they could judge was my behavior. Of course, they mostly cared that I was "good". That's largely true of everyone in life.
I still have impulses to act out how I feel by being "bad". And the incorrect belief that no one will hear me or pay attention unless I'm acting out. Despite my years of true knowledge that I get more attention and care for being good than I ever did being bad. That acting out backfires, and doesn't get me what I want.
Yet the first thing out of my mouth was that they didn't care whether I felt good as long as I acted good. Old beliefs are hard to extinguish.
Posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 21:48:05
In reply to Re: My childhood » Dinah, posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 19:59:23
Sigh. I was just a messed up adolescent, in my own way. My parents could have done better, but so could I have.
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 22:16:54
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks, posted by Phillipa on March 17, 2006, at 21:29:20
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 22:22:37
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks, posted by Phillipa on March 17, 2006, at 21:29:20
> I brought myself up my mother was always in the hospital and my father and sister were together. I came home to an empty house everyday.
That must have been difficult Phillipa. You were crying out for help and your family didn't help you. I'm sorry people ignored you when you were little. You didn't deserve that.
((((Phillipa))))
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 22:42:34
In reply to Re: My childhood, posted by Dinah on March 17, 2006, at 21:38:34
> At the time, I wasn't at all comforted. I didn't feel like they loved me, or that they cared. I felt like they just wanted me to be "good". That they were angry and got "help" for me when I wasn't "good" and that they could not possibly care less that I didn't feel better when I started being "good" again.
I would have felt hurt, frustrated and angry if that happened to me. I'm sorry you felt like your parents didn't care. That must be one of the hardest things to go through. Parents are the ones who care about us when the world turns a blind eye to us. I would have felt very alone, to believe that my parents only wanted a good obedient child and didn't accept my faults and hurts for what they were.
> Looking back, I see that wasn't fair. I wasn't skilled enough at verbalizing that I still didn't feel well and all they could judge was my behavior. Of course, they mostly cared that I was "good". That's largely true of everyone in life.
It's difficult when we can't or don't know how to ask for help that will help us. Expressing oneself accurately is not an easy thing to do. Things get misinterpreted and sometimes we can be our own worse enemy (as a dear friend always says to me :-) ). We can see a lack of caring where there is caring.
> I still have impulses to act out how I feel by being "bad". And the incorrect belief that no one will hear me or pay attention unless I'm acting out.I get that Dinah. I think I do the same thing. I escalate things and act out sometimes to get people to hear me and pay attention to me. I do it impulsively too. I don't plan any of it and I don't intend to hurt people, but I'm sure I do.
> Yet the first thing out of my mouth was that they didn't care whether I felt good as long as I acted good. Old beliefs are hard to extinguish.
(((((Dinah)))))
You know we care about you here. I like you just the way you are, the good and the bad. :-)
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on March 17, 2006, at 22:47:40
In reply to Re: My childhood » Dinah, posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 22:42:34
Deneb remember I was a young child and didn't know I could possibly hurt myself. I was shocked when I saw what I did I didn't mean to do this. This was at the time when everyone was putting their boyfriends initials in their arms. It wasn't a trigger sorry you took it that way. Love Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 22:56:55
In reply to Re: My childhood, posted by Phillipa on March 17, 2006, at 22:47:40
> Deneb remember I was a young child and didn't know I could possibly hurt myself. I was shocked when I saw what I did I didn't mean to do this. This was at the time when everyone was putting their boyfriends initials in their arms. It wasn't a trigger sorry you took it that way. Love Phillipa
I understand Phillipa, you were little and your parents left you with dangerous things to play with. I only put in the trigger because some people are very sensitive to images of self harm. It's okay Phillipa. There is no need to apologize. :-)
Deneb*
Posted by gardenergirl on March 17, 2006, at 23:24:10
In reply to Re: My childhood, posted by Phillipa on March 17, 2006, at 22:47:40
> It wasn't a trigger sorry you took it that way.
Just to clarify, triggers are in the eyes of the beholder. A person might be triggered by reading a post about certain topics, thus the friendly caution that Deneb posted. It doesn't mean that you did anything wrong.
gg
Posted by James K on March 18, 2006, at 1:33:21
In reply to Re: ^^^above for James K ^^^ (nm), posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 20:23:05
Thankyou for responding to me, I'm the only male that replied to this as far as I can tell. It hurts sometimes to say and remember these things.
I want to say to you Deneb, I'm proud of how you've identified a problem, and related to others. In the short time I've known you, I've seen growth. I'm all sentimental right now, so don't mind me.
James K
Posted by Tanzanite on March 18, 2006, at 7:42:53
In reply to Re: ^^^above for James K ^^^ » Deneb, posted by James K on March 18, 2006, at 1:33:21
Boy, I have a lot of catching up to do on the boards. Been pretty tired lately and learning a lot about having new my new guinea piggies. Hugs to all of us regardless of what we had to go through. It is amazing how we manage to make our way day by day. You are all great. You have all brought a great deal to this thread. I still don't know how to deal with things the right way. Never knew how to in the first place. But support, empathy, and understanding are all a good place to start even if we have to find that now what we didn't have before.
Peace
Chelle
Posted by Tanzanite on March 18, 2006, at 7:46:03
In reply to Re: My childhood » Tanzanite, posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 19:51:46
HI Deneb,
I kinda shyed away from most my friends after high school and find it hard to socialize now because I am isolated, and I am scared. I do have a couple friends but they live far far away from me. 2000 miles away to be exact. See, I used to be from Michigan about 40 minutes from Ontario. Now I am in Colorado and it sux. Arghh. HUGS to you and I am really sorry you and all of us had to go through that, and still have to go through this today.
Chelle
Posted by naughtypuppy on March 18, 2006, at 10:01:27
In reply to Re: My childhood panic attacks » naughtypuppy, posted by Deneb on March 17, 2006, at 20:26:37
> > I still get panic attacks when I am around wasps or in high places.
>
> My trigger when I was little was strong wind. I used to fear going outside because of the wind.
>
I dont really have an associated trigger, just when I get in these situations. Still doesn't explain the social anxiety though.> > Don't mention disassociation when your a kid whatever you do, they put me on anti-psycotics. What a rotten thing to do to a miserable unhappy child.
>
> I didn't know what derealization was back then and I don't think I would have had the vocabulary to describe what I was going through when I was younger.
>
> What happened with you and anti-psychotics?
>
> Deneb*
>
>My pdoc at the time must have felt that I was displaying abnormal behavior when I told him that sometimes I felt that perhaps all the other people in the world where unreal and I was the only one that really existed. Is that really all that abnormal for a 13 year old? It is sort of like finding things in cloud formations, just an active imagination. Anyway, he put me on Haloperidol, which made me feel so hyper that I wanted to crawl out of my skin. He didn’t seem particularly interested that his theory wasn’t working out as he planned and his medication was having the opposite effect. I also ODed on it and took about a dozen pills. BIG MISTAKE!!! The muscles at the back of my neck contracted to the point of breaking. I still have neck problems there to this day. To make a long story short, I went untreated for many years and toughed it out by myself until, as a result of a stressful job and a sadistic boss, I sunk into a deep depression and have been on the medication merry go round ever since.
Posted by Deneb on March 18, 2006, at 18:59:28
In reply to Re: ^^^above for James K ^^^ » Deneb, posted by James K on March 18, 2006, at 1:33:21
Thanks James K. It's always nice when someone notices when I'm doing okay. :-)
Deneb*
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