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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by ClearSkies on December 27, 2005, at 6:31:56
In reply to Re: bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:41:07
Alexandra, it's absolutely the right thing to do in protecting yourself from reminders of past abuse and triggering memories. Many times being with our birth families is the last and least safe place for us to be during the holidays.
All I read in these posts is deep hurt and scars. Stay away, make your own, new traditions. Make the holidays into a happy time again for yourself by surrounding yourself with people with whom you share good conversation, warmth of feelings, commeraderie.
Don't let yourself be pulled down by Christmases past.
With great affection and best wishes
ClearSkies
Posted by fallsfall on December 27, 2005, at 8:27:02
In reply to bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:07:28
If I were your family, I would love you.
They are the ones who are broken. They are the ones who are wrong.
YOU deserve love and support.
I hope that you find those from the rest of the world, both here and IRL.
Posted by Poet on December 27, 2005, at 8:39:34
In reply to Re: bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:41:07
Hi Alex,
I hope you never have to go through this again, either. You deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate you, not surrounded by people who abused you.
The *healthy* side of the family doesn't sound healthy to me, they sound toxic. I hope that getting away from them physically frees you in body, mind and spirit.
Safe cyber hugs.
Poet
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 27, 2005, at 10:29:13
In reply to Re: bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:41:07
> i hope to god...
>
> i never have to do this again.You don't.
{{{{{{{{{{Alexandra}}}}}}}}}}}
Posted by LegWarmers on December 27, 2005, at 12:53:32
In reply to Re: bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:14:34
>so we can feel just htat little bit better about ourselves?
yup I think so. Its amazing how sh*tty you can feel after one evening with particular people.
Im sorry about your chistmas :(
((((alexandra)))
Posted by Deneb on December 27, 2005, at 14:03:33
In reply to bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:07:28
Sorry you had a horrible Christmas. Can you spend Christmas with friends instead of family?
Deneb
P.S. I'm glad you're able to post.
Posted by Susan47 on December 27, 2005, at 14:29:55
In reply to Re: bah humbug » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on December 27, 2005, at 14:03:33
Posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:47:12
In reply to bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:07:28
yeah. it just brings it all back
and brings new things along too
i remember when i went away for a few days (into hospital i think) and i came back to find carpet fleas hatching en masse and i didn't know what to do i was so upset... so i rang my father and he wasn't so bad... wanted to finish his dinner and watch the news while i sat out in the laundry (it was pouring with rain) but then he came over with a couple of flea bombs and we bombed the place...my stepmother was having a fit about taking me back to their place afterwards... going on and on about getting fleas in their house... she was fully going to hose me down outside but my father said he didn't think that would be necessary...
(thats him sticking up for me)
i always tried to be nice to her to avoid the whole 'stepmother' saga. but the truth is she has done what she could to bring that on herself really. and she tells all their friends that that is MY doing (i know this because i get on with some of their mutual friends alright and they talk to me) but it isn't i have gone out of my way and she won't even try and meet me...
we went to the movies. i said i needed to sit not further back than half way (preferably round the middle) because without glasses i can't see the screen very well... and she informed me that everyone else would be sitting in the back row because that is where she always sits. i met some nice people standing in the line so i was just going to go off with them... but my step sister came to get me and said she would sit with me (she is lovely i have no problem with her) but round about then i really could have told parents to go f*ck themselves.
have already been informed about how much of the ornaments etc will be going to stepdaughter to 'keep them in the family' and when i do get any money off them i always have to ask (and i do this only when in dire need) but father is so oblivious he says things like 'we don't mind helping you out because we gave step-sister 6 times that amount just last week' and it has always been like that. i ask them when i need things like food (because of some mix up with welfare) or clothes on occasion (like school uniform) or school camp or activity fees and sh*t like that (so most of this when i was at high school). they never think to offer. i suppose they think i just manage to live off thin air. and, well, i suppose i did really. and occasionally... i suppose i still do.
i don't have a problem with stepsister
i have a problem with the wicked witch of the west (who is lovely to her own children don't get me wrong)
and my father the gutless wonder
the gutless wonder with the selective memory 'don't worry about which airport you go from of course i'll drive you i won't see you for ages'
then i guess there was a conversation with stepmother in there somewhere because now i get
'well if you are going from there i suppose you will be wanting money for the airport shuttle'
yeah thats right
i'm only going for 3-4 years
of course you don't want to see me to the airportthe trouble is...
i would prefer it if they weren't around...
but then...
my greatest fear is that that is how other people feel about me.i hate them i hate them i hate them
and to make matters worse mother is throwing a fit i didn't spend christmas with her and now i have to spend a day with the comparatively crazy side of the family...
i'm sorry
i hate this
every f*cking year...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:50:00
In reply to Re: bah humbug » alexandra_k, posted by ClearSkies on December 27, 2005, at 6:31:56
oh yeah,
and stepmother always says
'of course we expect you to support us in our retirement' when they give me money
i thought she was joking for a while
but you know...
i'm starting to think she might be serious.f*ck that she can sell her crystal collection
i mean, whats giving your daughter money for a uniform that fits, or for food, when you can buy your wife pieces of crystal to help along the 'i'm better than you because...' type conversations?
i mean really...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:56:25
In reply to Re: bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:50:00
sorry.
yeah. it gets the memories going
:-(
:-(thanks for responding... they were lovely responses. and they mean a lot. i think i'm going to print them out and read them when i get wound up about this...
think about them when i go see mother next week
<shudder>at least next year it will just be
'aren't you going home for christmas'
'nope'
'why not'
'i'm not that close to my family'
and that will be that.
Posted by Declan on December 27, 2005, at 16:06:52
In reply to Re: sorry about that, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:47:12
You spend all these Christmases with your family and then they die, and maybe then you have a family of your own and you keep doing it until you cark it. Travelling's the thing. Preferrably a long way away. I think this was my last, the kids are almost old enough. Sensibly, they seem to have lost interest.
Declan
Posted by Damos on December 27, 2005, at 16:25:22
In reply to Re: sorry about that, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:47:12
No need to apologise Alex - none at all. Sorry Christmas sucks so big for you. Even sorrier that it brings back so much stuff and just adds new hurts.
These posts just break my heart in so many ways. You're family to me Alex, and I hope you know how much you're loved and cared for. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better, I really do.
I'll be holding you close in my heart and sending lots of good thoughts to help you through the 'mum' thing.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Posted by Poet on December 27, 2005, at 16:42:36
In reply to Re: bah humbug » alexandra_k, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:56:25
> at least next year it will just be
> 'aren't you going home for christmas'
> 'nope'
> 'why not'
> 'i'm not that close to my family'
> and that will be that.I think you should say *I'm staying home for Christmas- staying right here.* Where you will be is your home and it'll be a happy one.
Poet
Posted by Tamar on December 27, 2005, at 20:49:09
In reply to Re: bah humbug » alexandra_k, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:56:25
(((((Alex)))))
I think I’m a bit older than you. And the lesson I’m learning now is: life is short. Too short to do *anything* out of obligation. I know it’s not so easy when you’re still somewhat dependent on your family. But maybe you can suck it up a bit more easily if you promise yourself that as soon as you are independent you can decide never to see them again at Christmas.
I get on very well with my family and nevertheless Christmas is stressful. This year I decided that because of my depression I wasn’t going to go anywhere or invite anyone. I spent the whole day in my pyjamas. So did my kids. I don’t know why my husband got dressed… I cooked a turkey (still in my pyjamas) and it was delicious. Every room is littered with wrapping paper and toys. I don’t give a damn. (Part of that is because of my mother-in-law’s accident, but still…)
I can’t begin to describe the sense of freedom I felt in doing Christmas without obligations. I highly recommend it. You might not manage it next year or the year after… But maybe the year after that? Just two or three more Christmases to get through and then you’re free.
You are doing everything right to live your life on your own terms. Education will get you where you want to go. You are clearly a bright and interesting woman and you have a great deal to offer. You can leave the crap behind you. Keep your eyes on the prize!
Tamar
Posted by Phillipa on December 27, 2005, at 21:16:04
In reply to Re: bah humbug » alexandra_k, posted by Tamar on December 27, 2005, at 20:49:09
Alex next year you will be in a different country. Yeah! Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 27, 2005, at 23:56:11
In reply to Re: sorry about that, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:47:12
No Sorries! No SORRIES!
Nuh UH..
It's crap, and it makes you feel like s*it, and it's confusing, and no matter how old you are
it can still happen. I know there are a lot of people, and you will be one I'm sure, who will eventually be able to realize that it's their crap, and they are not a reflection of how other people feel. But damnit it hurts.I'm older than you are and when I had to stay with my mom a couple of years ago, during an excruciating depression, and after fleeing my abusive boyfriend, she promised that she would stay with me no matter how long it took for me to get better.
She invited *me* to stay.
The day I got out of the hospital psych ward, after being at her house for four weeks, and in the ward for a couple of days, she picked me up and told me she preferred being alone and that I had to find somewhere else to go. I never acted terrible or anything, all I did was sleep and cry (in my room)
I still sting from that. It sucks Alex.
When I found a place to stay, I was literally afraid to come out of my room, or make any noise.
I wanted to be invisible because I thought everyone must feel like herI didn't mean to make that about me at all, I was just sort of trying to let you know that I know how deeply it can affect you, and you *need* to talk about it to get perspective from people who aren't them. I think many of us here can relate.
And I will definitely miss you when you are away from Babble.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 28, 2005, at 3:50:08
In reply to Re: sorry about that, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 15:47:12
I'm so sorry, alexandra. Holidays are "supposed to be" about warm and loving times with those who you care about and who care about you.
Babblers care about you. You can think of us as your chosen family if you wish.
Take care, cousin alex. And happy new year. May it bring you all the joy and dreams and successes you richly deserve.
gg
Posted by lynn971 on December 28, 2005, at 15:28:26
In reply to Re: sorry about that » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on December 28, 2005, at 3:50:08
I hope that your new year is much better than your Christmas was.
Your friend,
Lynn
Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2005, at 22:54:51
In reply to Re: sorry about that » alexandra_k, posted by Gabbix2 on December 27, 2005, at 23:56:11
> No Sorries! No SORRIES!
>
> Nuh UH..
hey. yeah. i understand... its hard because you just want them to be nice and seems they can only manage it for a while... then thats it. i went to stay with father and step-mother for a bit when i was 13 and i tried to hide in my room. 'cause i knew they didn't want me there and so i just tried to make myself as small and as quiet as possible. so they wouldn't notice i was there. so i wouldn't be a bother.but...
they sent me back to my mother anyway. and in so many ways... that was worse than when he left when i was a kid. because then i really realised that he never would make things better. and up until then... i thought he loved me. i guess i just had to believe it.
i'm sorry gabbi.
((((((gabbi))))))))
i'm sorry i haven't responded to your babblemail yet either.sometimes...
we just need to put it away and struggle on...
theres nothing to be done.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2005, at 22:57:52
In reply to Re: sorry about that, posted by lynn971 on December 28, 2005, at 15:28:26
i think it is a triggering time of year.
i don't think it was so bad last year.
bad.
but not this bad.
i think this one is hard because they want to spend time with me.
i don't understand that.
why do they want to spend time with me?
do they enjoy this?
i don't understand.
Posted by LegWarmers on December 28, 2005, at 23:42:19
In reply to Re: sorry about that, posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2005, at 22:57:52
I don't think they enjoy making you feel bad, Im sure they don't. I think that maybe they forget how hard you had it, or they don't even understand how hard you had it :(
Sounds like they want to start a new relationship with you but they can't really undo the past and they don't seem to understand that.
Posted by JenStar on December 29, 2005, at 0:42:15
In reply to bah humbug, posted by alexandra_k on December 27, 2005, at 4:07:28
oh, my. It sounds like you really do hate the holidays this time of year. For you, I'm glad they're over. Does the New Year bring you joy and feeling of refreshment? I hope so!
JenStar
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2005, at 1:00:14
In reply to Re: sorry about that, posted by LegWarmers on December 28, 2005, at 23:42:19
i don't know :-(
it isn't just past stuff.
it is present stuff... the stuff that happens in the present. and that is what gets me thinking about all the stuff in the past.
but yeah...
my stepmother is insecure.
that is the problem.
thats why she is always trying to prove she is better than
and when i say something or make a suggestion or express an opinion that is different from hers
she takes it as a personal criticism and gets all defensive.
which involves her attacking mei dunno what the movie thing was about...
dunno.
the thing that drives me the craziest is her telling me to 'get your fingers out of your mouth' or to 'stop biting your nails'. i said 'you know i have been biting them for a long time and i think i probably always will' but that didn't seem to work. i really want her to stop with that. i have heard it ever since i was about four years old and it makes me feel SO F*CKING MAD on the inside. they are my hands. it isn't hurting you. i hate it when people say that too me. that is how i prevent myself from crying.
but no, one should aim for perfect nails...
(why? its harder to type and i can't zip a zipper if they are too long besides which the thought of dirt under my nails FREAKS ME OUT)
i don't know...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2005, at 1:04:26
In reply to Re: bah humbug » alexandra_k, posted by JenStar on December 29, 2005, at 0:42:15
mid jan through march is cool.
still on holiday (or in to summer school)
leisurely working
that is pretty cool :-)
but it does get hot...
nah. i hate the traditional holidays.
birthdays are worse in a sense (would you believe) but i usually manage to avoid the drama by not telling anyone and managing to forget the day myself.
:-)
trouble with christmas...
is you can't forget because everything is shut and people do insist on wishing you a happy one etc.
(i do kind of appreciate that lots of people like this time of year... i do appreciate that people mean well...)
i do not f*cking well appreciate being locked out of the office on christmas day and easter monday. they are the only two days of the year that they lock everybody out. no building access. but gee did people look funny at me when i griped about that last year...
Posted by LegWarmers on December 29, 2005, at 1:23:40
In reply to Re: sorry about that » LegWarmers, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2005, at 1:00:14
> i don't know :-(
>
> it isn't just past stuff.
>
> it is present stuff... the stuff that happens in the present. and that is what gets me thinking about all the stuff in the past.
yeah, I understand that.
> but yeah...
>
> my stepmother is insecure.
ah, thats a problem> that is the problem.
> thats why she is always trying to prove she is better than
> and when i say something or make a suggestion or express an opinion that is different from hers
> she takes it as a personal criticism and gets all defensive.
> which involves her attacking meah, so she feels inadequate to you. Its sad when people feel the need to put others down to build themselves up.
>
> i dunno what the movie thing was about...
>
> dunno.
>That was really mean, im glad your stepsister is nice. sounds like she is afraid of something, letting you in ...i dunno either
> the thing that drives me the craziest is her telling me to 'get your fingers out of your mouth' or to 'stop biting your nails'. i said 'you know i have been biting them for a long time and i think i probably always will' but that didn't seem to work. i really want her to stop with that. i have heard it ever since i was about four years old and it makes me feel SO F*CKING MAD on the inside. they are my hands. it isn't hurting you. i hate it when people say that too me. that is how i prevent myself from crying.
>
:( Its nobodies business! I hate when people say stuff like that. its like, Im biting them because Im in your company!!
> but no, one should aim for perfect nails...
>It is what makes a person whole ;)
> (why? its harder to type and i can't zip a zipper if they are too long besides which the thought of dirt under my nails FREAKS ME OUT)
>
> i don't know...
>nails are just a nusense!!
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