![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on August 8, 2005, at 16:39:58
Why do we flirt? What is the line between friendly flirting and sexual flirting? What are you boundry lines of flirting? How can you tell when a guy is interested in you? What are your thoughts? How do you flirt with people? I smile a lot at someone and laugh. I think friendly flirting is fun and and makes each other smile and feel good. What do you all think about flirting?
Posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 17:06:18
In reply to What do you think of FLIRTING????, posted by happyflower on August 8, 2005, at 16:39:58
I like flirting. I think the difference between friendly flirting and sexual flirting is about verbal content and touch. If there’s lots of touching and plenty of sexual references, it’s a sexual flirtation. If it’s just occasional arm-touching with compliments or friendly teasing then it’s friendly.It seems to me that guys are interested (or curious) about most women who are their own age or younger, though some guys like older women (and some guys are gay). If they’re really interested they pretty much can’t help looking at your body from time to time.
I think mild flirting is pleasant and unobjectionable and it makes the world a happier place.
Posted by happyflower on August 8, 2005, at 18:06:28
In reply to Re: What do you think of FLIRTING???? » happyflower, posted by tamar on August 8, 2005, at 17:06:18
Posted by Tamar on August 8, 2005, at 19:24:51
In reply to What about eye contact? (nm), posted by happyflower on August 8, 2005, at 18:06:28
Yeah, that's usually a good indication. Except perhaps in therapy, where I suspect normal rules of eye contact don't apply... (Either that or my former therapist liked me more that I dreamed of in my wildest fantasies...)
Posted by rjlockhart98 on August 8, 2005, at 20:47:19
In reply to Re: What about eye contact? » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 8, 2005, at 19:24:51
Posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 10:11:23
In reply to Re: What about eye contact? » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 8, 2005, at 19:24:51
> Yeah, that's usually a good indication. Except perhaps in therapy, where I suspect normal rules of eye contact don't apply... (Either that or my former therapist liked me more that I dreamed of in my wildest fantasies...)
>
So why do you think therapy is different? Are they suppose to pretend to flirt with you? It seems like it would cause more trouble than it was worth. But a T could flirt with you if they are attracted to you. Maybe your T really did like you! lol
Posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 10:20:26
In reply to Re: the smile will do it. Million Bucks one (nm), posted by rjlockhart98 on August 8, 2005, at 20:47:19
What would you say a Million Bucks smile is ? Just curious?
Posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 10:23:40
In reply to Re: the smile will do it. Million Bucks one (nm), posted by rjlockhart98 on August 8, 2005, at 20:47:19
Question: If someone smiles at you that you already know, you give them a big smile back, and it causes them to smile bigger and blush a little, what does that mean? Are they attracted to me, or embarrest that I responded so positivily? I am attracted to this person but am wondering if they are attracted to me or like me. What do you think?
Posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 13:54:20
In reply to Re: What about eye contact? » Tamar, posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 10:11:23
> > Yeah, that's usually a good indication. Except perhaps in therapy, where I suspect normal rules of eye contact don't apply... (Either that or my former therapist liked me more that I dreamed of in my wildest fantasies...)
> >
> So why do you think therapy is different? Are they suppose to pretend to flirt with you? It seems like it would cause more trouble than it was worth. But a T could flirt with you if they are attracted to you. Maybe your T really did like you! lolI think therapists use eye contact as a means of establishing trust. I noticed that my therapist would maintain eye contact until I looked away, and I often thought (between sessions) that I’d like to challenge him by holding his gaze until *he* looked away. But I never had the confidence in session to do it. And it seemed to be usually when we were talking about difficult things, so there was no flirtatious content to the conversation.
I think a T could flirt with a client, but he’d have to be pretty sure that she wasn’t hoping for a dangerous liaison!
Tamar
Posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 14:02:28
In reply to Re: the smile will do it. Million Bucks one, posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 10:23:40
> Question: If someone smiles at you that you already know, you give them a big smile back, and it causes them to smile bigger and blush a little, what does that mean? Are they attracted to me, or embarrest that I responded so positivily? I am attracted to this person but am wondering if they are attracted to me or like me. What do you think?
Yeah, I think the person could be attracted to you. I suppose the next question is: what does it mean to you? Is it simply a basic biological attraction you can enjoy? Or does it take on some extra significance?
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 9, 2005, at 14:03:25
In reply to Re: What about eye contact? » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 13:54:20
flirting is sending out energy to another person...
the energy can be sweetly seductive.
it can land of fertile ground and something more will blossom.but it's the rainbow bridge of all life...
the connection we all know is there, all the time, but some times forget.My good T's I have always loved.
that connection can be sacred.Jai Narayan
Posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 14:13:07
In reply to Re: the smile will do it. Million Bucks one » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 14:02:28
>>
> Yeah, I think the person could be attracted to you. I suppose the next question is: what does it mean to you? Is it simply a basic biological attraction you can enjoy? Or does it take on some extra significance?
>I am not telling ! lol :) I am not sure! lol
Posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 15:02:19
In reply to Re: the smile will do it. Million Bucks one » Tamar, posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 14:13:07
> >>
> > Yeah, I think the person could be attracted to you. I suppose the next question is: what does it mean to you? Is it simply a basic biological attraction you can enjoy? Or does it take on some extra significance?
> >
>
> I am not telling ! lol :) I am not sure! lol
>Sorry! I didn't mean you should tell us all. It was more of a 'have you thought about..' question than a 'spill the beans...' question!
Anyway, from what you say it sounds like attraction, which usually adds a little spice to life!
Posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 15:21:00
In reply to Re: the smile will do it. Million Bucks one » happyflower, posted by Tamar on August 9, 2005, at 15:02:19
> > >>
> > > Yeah, I think the person could be attracted to you. I suppose the next question is: what does it mean to you? Is it simply a basic biological attraction you can enjoy? Or does it take on some extra significance?
> > >
> >
> > I am not telling ! lol :) I am not sure! lol
> >
>
> Sorry! I didn't mean you should tell us all. It was more of a 'have you thought about..' question than a 'spill the beans...' question!
>
> Anyway, from what you say it sounds like attraction, which usually adds a little spice to life!It is so funny how your question sounds just like something my T would ask! I guess I need a little spice in my life about now! lol :)
Posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 15:56:04
In reply to hi, nice topic....can I add to it? :), posted by Jai Narayan on August 9, 2005, at 14:03:25
> flirting is sending out energy to another person...
> the energy can be sweetly seductive.
> it can land of fertile ground and something more will blossom.
>
> but it's the rainbow bridge of all life...
> the connection we all know is there, all the time, but some times forget.
>
> My good T's I have always loved.
> that connection can be sacred.
>
> Jai Narayan
>
>Thank you for adding, it is a very nice way to put everything! You must be a poet or something! :)
Posted by rjlockhart98 on August 9, 2005, at 17:27:55
In reply to Re: the smile will do it. Million Bucks one » Tamar, posted by happyflower on August 9, 2005, at 14:13:07
Smile with your teeth showing fully, wide. Look directly in the eye, then glance away quicky.
Posted by caraher on August 9, 2005, at 22:24:58
In reply to What do you think of FLIRTING????, posted by happyflower on August 8, 2005, at 16:39:58
Apparently I am extremely flirting-impaired. I think eye contact is a part of it, and that's one thing I worked very hard on in therapy. I first became aware of it with an ex-T who asked, "What is so interesting about your shoes?" Apparently I'd spent the whole session staring at my feet. We didn't really go anywhere with that; it was my next T who had more of a CBT orientation who really pushed me to do something about it (and not with the idea of improving flirting skills!).
Sometimes it feels as though my wife labels almost any communication between me and a female between age 15 and 50 as "flirting." I've had to train myself to ignore that as much as I can. At the same time she's probably also correct that I often completely fail to recognize flirtatious behaviors.
Posted by Tamar on August 10, 2005, at 12:08:56
In reply to Re: What do you think of FLIRTING????, posted by caraher on August 9, 2005, at 22:24:58
> Apparently I am extremely flirting-impaired. I think eye contact is a part of it, and that's one thing I worked very hard on in therapy. I first became aware of it with an ex-T who asked, "What is so interesting about your shoes?" Apparently I'd spent the whole session staring at my feet. We didn't really go anywhere with that; it was my next T who had more of a CBT orientation who really pushed me to do something about it (and not with the idea of improving flirting skills!).
Use of appropriate eye contact does seem to be quite important in everyday social interaction, even when people aren't flirting.
> Sometimes it feels as though my wife labels almost any communication between me and a female between age 15 and 50 as "flirting."
Does she imply there's something wrong with flirting?
It can be hard to negotiate. I wouldn't want my husband to flirt outrageously with other women in front of me. But I wouldn't want to think he was unattractive either. Ultimately I don’t believe any other woman is a threat to my marriage, so if he flirts a bit it doesn’t bother me. And if he can flirt, so can I!
> I've had to train myself to ignore that as much as I can. At the same time she's probably also correct that I often completely fail to recognize flirtatious behaviors.
Well, I guess if you don’t recognize flirtatious behaviours, you can’t be doing anything wrong! But maybe it would be fun once in a while to engage in a little bit of flirtatious behaviour? Or is that something you wouldn’t feel comfortable with?
Posted by caraher on August 10, 2005, at 13:00:55
In reply to Re: What do you think of FLIRTING???? » caraher, posted by Tamar on August 10, 2005, at 12:08:56
> > Sometimes it feels as though my wife labels almost any communication between me and a female between age 15 and 50 as "flirting."
>
> Does she imply there's something wrong with flirting?Not in so many words, but it's in the way she says it. Sometimes I almost wish I were the unfaithful type, so the kind of suspicion she sometimes treats me with would be earned. One example I have in mind is when an online friend called me pretty much out of the blue and I was handed the phone with the words "it's your girlfriend."
It's nice that she wants to keep me for herself, and I understand that before she met me she was burned by an unfaithful boyfriend. But that was decades ago and it was someone else! And while I'm certainly as vulnerable to developing a crush on someone as the next guy I'd like more credit for my ability to recognize and respect suitable boundaries. We're really in agreement about the importance to us of marital fidelity, and I let her manage her own affairs in complete confidence that she would never cheat on me. I'd just like the same in return!
> It can be hard to negotiate. I wouldn't want my husband to flirt outrageously with other women in front of me. But I wouldn't want to think he was unattractive either. Ultimately I don’t believe any other woman is a threat to my marriage, so if he flirts a bit it doesn’t bother me. And if he can flirt, so can I!
Yup, as long as you have a mutual understanding about such things. I remember the one time a college roommate came close to punching me was when he was flirting with a mutual friend and remarked that "there can only be one flirt in a relationship." At the time he had a girlfriend back home and I said, "Yeah, some guy is probably saying that to Jill right now..."
I guess I should add that it isn't just a jealous nature underlying her definition of flirting. For instance, I picked up my son after some athletic practice and when I arrived he was speaking to a girl. When I talked to my wife about picking him up her immediate reaction was, "Oh, he was flirting with Laura..." I said they were just talking as far as I could see and she basically said that constitutes flirting.
> Well, I guess if you don’t recognize flirtatious behaviours, you can’t be doing anything wrong! But maybe it would be fun once in a while to engage in a little bit of flirtatious behaviour? Or is that something you wouldn’t feel comfortable with?I suppose it would be fun. But really, I'm just so much more interested in normal human contact quite apart from flirting. Flirting would be part of the "advanced course," I guess! Though again, I don't know where the line is (yes, I know that it's probably a fuzzy one).
Posted by Tamar on August 10, 2005, at 17:51:47
In reply to Re: What do you think of FLIRTING????, posted by caraher on August 10, 2005, at 13:00:55
> > Does she imply there's something wrong with flirting?
>
> Not in so many words, but it's in the way she says it. Sometimes I almost wish I were the unfaithful type, so the kind of suspicion she sometimes treats me with would be earned. One example I have in mind is when an online friend called me pretty much out of the blue and I was handed the phone with the words "it's your girlfriend."Argh! I would find that quite hard to live with, but that’s just me. Still, I suppose the compassionate view of such comments is that she’s maybe a little insecure. Do you ever talk about it?
> It's nice that she wants to keep me for herself, and I understand that before she met me she was burned by an unfaithful boyfriend. But that was decades ago and it was someone else! And while I'm certainly as vulnerable to developing a crush on someone as the next guy I'd like more credit for my ability to recognize and respect suitable boundaries. We're really in agreement about the importance to us of marital fidelity, and I let her manage her own affairs in complete confidence that she would never cheat on me. I'd just like the same in return!
It seems to me that many women think men are inherently lustful. Perhaps they find it hard to imagine that a man can look at an attractive woman, or even fantasise about other women, without actually wanting to act on it. I think some women believe that feelings of attraction actually constitute a kind of infidelity. I don’t really agree with that perspective, because I think attraction is just part of being human. It seems a shame if a woman feels angry about her partner’s attractions (and probably guilty about her own biological responses to attractive people), because there isn’t any means of making it all go away. To me it’s much more important to consider how people act.
> Yup, as long as you have a mutual understanding about such things. I remember the one time a college roommate came close to punching me was when he was flirting with a mutual friend and remarked that "there can only be one flirt in a relationship." At the time he had a girlfriend back home and I said, "Yeah, some guy is probably saying that to Jill right now..."
Tee hee. Yeah, it has to be a mutual understanding. But for me it’s also about feeling very secure in my marriage. I know my husband is sexually curious about dozens of women every day, but I’m pretty certain he’s not likely to start an affair with any of them. So far, he has always come home to me!
> I guess I should add that it isn't just a jealous nature underlying her definition of flirting. For instance, I picked up my son after some athletic practice and when I arrived he was speaking to a girl. When I talked to my wife about picking him up her immediate reaction was, "Oh, he was flirting with Laura..." I said they were just talking as far as I could see and she basically said that constitutes flirting.
Argh again! Maybe she’s right… maybe all contact between men and women (or at least straight men and women) is somewhat sexualised. But on the other hand, I talk to lots of men every day who I don’t want to have sex with. For example, my students. I don’t even think about it; it never crosses my mind to think about them sexually, probably because I think of them as child-like.
> I suppose it would be fun. But really, I'm just so much more interested in normal human contact quite apart from flirting. Flirting would be part of the "advanced course," I guess! Though again, I don't know where the line is (yes, I know that it's probably a fuzzy one).
Actually, I don’t think the line is terribly fuzzy. I think if you talk to someone you feel attracted to and there’s smiling, laughter, touching and romantic or sexual content to the conversation, that’s flirting. You could have all the other things without the attraction and it probably wouldn’t be flirting. Or you could have the attraction without the touching or verbal sexual content and it probably wouldn’t be flirting. And then, of course, there’s the eye contact…
Just my two cents.
Tamar
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.