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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
For all you babblers out there who have been with someone for a long time span, what does it feel like to have a signif. other? I ask because I'm in this situation where I could be going out with someone great. It's just that there's no passion. I like him and I am comfortable around him. I even want to kiss him sometimes. I'm just not like head over heels in love want to melt, have sex all day kind of feeling. Is it OK to still go out with this guy? I really need to know what you all think. All the guys I have met and have been head over heels for the relationship didn't work out. It was like, all about sex. And they tried to change me. I like this guy cuz he likes me the way I am. We are also really good at communicating. I know it should be obvious that I should just go out with him but part of me liked the way things were before. I was alone. Solitary. Peaceful. Secure. Now that he's in my life, that has changed. Am I just acting on my parents wishes and my therapist's wishes that I have a boyfriend? Or do I really want one? I think this realtionship of ours is going to be moving very slowly. I'd still like to know what you babblers think though.
Peace,-Angela
Posted by yoshimi on December 1, 2004, at 20:42:58
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
Tough questions.
I think i have been in that kinda relationship a few times. course, none of my relationships have worked out. No one I dated seemed to WANT a long term relationship. And they were all crabby all the time about one thing or another. Picking fights and stuff. Sex was good (well in a few of them).You don't have to have a boyfriend if you don't want to. There aren't any rules. I tend to dive in to relationships and then they don't work out. So now as bad as i want to be in a comfortable loving relationship, at the same time I just want stressfree fun one night stands. Then if I dont like him or he doesnt like me after that, then who cares. But i suppose that is immature of me. And there is still the part of me that wants that real relationship.
But the picking the guy part. Your guess is as good as mine. Im all skinny right now, and it seems like people want to go out with me, but flings feel safer cuz i know that they all seem nice, but i know what happens is we get alll comfortable in our relationship and start eating pizzas and going to movies and staying in chilling on the sofa with our chinese takeout and dvds and the pounds pile up and then they are like 'hun, you are putting on the pounds, why dont you go for a run or something', even though their stupid beer gut is like twice the size of your tiny little pooch'.
oh YOSHIMI, shut up!
Im sorry Angela, I am probably no help at all.
As you can see, I don't know what the hell i am talking about. I just know that I dont trust men anymoer, but i still want sex, so whats a girl to do. Id say trust your gut feeling, and if you think its all right, try it out for a bit.Good luck and sorry for rambling about my own mess.
Posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 21:04:32
In reply to Re: What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by yoshimi on December 1, 2004, at 20:42:58
Hey Yoshimi, it's cool. Thanks for your reply.
Posted by anastasia56 on December 1, 2004, at 22:36:56
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
I didn't get married until I was 38 and dated a fair amount of guys before that. I met my husband on the traditional blind date. We've been together about 12 years, married almost 10 of them. When I spoke with my mother the day after we met I told her "I think I have just met the last nice guy out there."
And after all the dating I had done, believe me it felt like it. There wasn't any game playing. He liked me and he didn't try to hide it. One would think nice guys were a dime a dozen. In my experience they are not. The sexual attraction didn't become evident until I kissed him. But when I did, I realized all the puzzle pieces had come together.Someone was watching out for me. I hope that someone is watching out for you too.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on December 1, 2004, at 22:45:11
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
Hi I remember you <g> I was gone from Babble but do recall you. It is so good to see you. I have a s/o and have had a couple of them I hate to say :) I also dated a lot....I think it is good to date and see where it goes with this guy ....he may not a wild ride right now but may in time or he may end up being the guy who never takes you super high but keeps you happy and safe in a sail boat kind of way.....smooth and easy....or he may just end up being a good friend so give it a shot.....and see where it goes. I usualy go for the ones who take me to the heights then I crash and burn to some dumb things the bum does later so maybe the not so thrilling ones are the best
Posted by lostforwards on December 2, 2004, at 6:36:45
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
( my longest term rel. was 2 years, friendship and going out twice.. there were a lot of blank periods too )
my best advice:
- don't think too much about things, life's a gamble. Things don't always work out. Hormones
- listen to your heart... like the roxette song...never heard it download it.. you'll hate it if you don't like 80s music..
- try to avoid letting other people tell you what to do, especially if it's a major personal decision...see the irony : )just remember the roxette song. I thinkt that's the best advice.
Posted by sunny10 on December 2, 2004, at 12:38:55
In reply to Re: What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by lostforwards on December 2, 2004, at 6:36:45
sounds to me like you have one FOR NOW. Whether you decide to keep him or throw him back depends on what's important to you.
I, too, have had my fill of what I thought was "romantic love" and "passion", but what burns hot usually turns to ashes more quickly, in my opinion.
I am happy with my SO with whom I am in a mutually respectful relationship. And he feels the same way which is why we work with what we've got.
Posted by smokeymadison on December 2, 2004, at 17:03:36
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
hi,
i have been with my guy for over a year now. we are getting married next Sept. when i met him, all i really wanted was sex, basically, and i didn't really care for him at all. i expected that he would stick around for a while until he got creeped out and then he would leave. not so. i couldn't get rid of him. tried to break up twice, but i was living with him and i couldn't stand him dating other people. it took six months for me to start to feel like i really loved him. then it just hit me, all the passion and everything.basically, what i am saying is that sometimes the relationship doesn't start out all fireworks and passionate love. and it never feels that way all the time. i would say that it feels that way about 30% of the time if you are lucky. ten percent of the time i dislike him. the rest is smooth sailing.
anyway, i tend to think more with my head than my heart. i am not a romantic by any means. i am a better person with him. end of story. good luck!
SM
Posted by Angela2 on December 3, 2004, at 11:36:03
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
Hey everyone,
Thanks for your responses. You all seem like really great people.
-Angela
Posted by Shortelise on December 3, 2004, at 15:58:54
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
Angela, what a good question.
I have been married for 24 years to a man who was my good friend. I never loved having sex with him, butI have always loved him. In fact, I have never much liked sex with him at all. He loved having sex with me. I have had some wonderful sexual relationships in my life, just not with my husband.
There have been times when I have really regretted marrying a man with whom I have no passion. I have had affairs to satisfy my sexuality.
If I could have married someone who was my best friend and also had a great sexual relationship, that would have been perfect. But it didn't happen, and I wanted to be with this man, because I do love him.
WOuld I do differently if I had to to do over again? I don't know.ShortE
Posted by Itsme2003 on December 7, 2004, at 13:32:18
In reply to What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Angela2 on December 1, 2004, at 18:50:14
I think all the previous posts had lots of good advice. The only thing that I can add is this. You need some amount of chemistry. You don't need a roaring bonfire, but you should at least have a campfire.
If there is no sexual attraction at all then you would be doing yourself and the guy a favor to not go on with the relationship.
If you are still going to go out with him then you should fully disclose your lack of sexual attraction to him and continue to repeat this disclosure from time to time. He will probably be confused and not really accept it when you tell him, but at least you've done the right thing.
Posted by Susan47 on December 8, 2004, at 20:13:57
In reply to Re: What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by Itsme2003 on December 7, 2004, at 13:32:18
Right, you're so right. I've had whole relationships (and more) with guys I wasn't sexually attracted to ... MISTAKE. Your post made me realize that taking your advice might be very good medicine for what ailed me in the past. Fully disclose .. yes, why should there be any other choice, in this regard? I think that's awesome advice you've given.
Posted by just plain jane on December 9, 2004, at 17:25:02
In reply to Re: What's it really like having a significant other?, posted by yoshimi on December 1, 2004, at 20:42:58
What you said here is bullseye, ontarget.
"Im all skinny right now, and it seems like people want to go out with me, ..... i know what happens is we get all comfortable in our relationship and start eating pizzas and going to movies and staying in chilling on the sofa with our chinese takeout and dvds and the pounds pile up and then they are like 'hun, you are putting on the pounds, why dont you go for a run or something', even though their stupid beer gut is like twice the size of your tiny little pooch'.
Thanks for the confirmation.
jpj
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