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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Indie on July 20, 2004, at 11:30:06
So deeply sad that I feel that I will collapse if I stand up. So deeply sad that it feels as if my heart will explode. I accidentally dreamed last night of the man I love. I try so hard not to think of him. I try so hard to forget that my heart still belongs to him. I mostly try to forget that he rejected my heart. That, after two years, he walked away from me. That he no longer loves me. I try so hard not to remember the times that we laughed and wrestled and rolled in the sheets for hours. He loved the me that was alive and lovely. His memory just reminds me of the life and joy that seeped from my body never to return. That day he told me that he no longer loved me was six months ago. Here I sit, still loving and he has moved on...he still laughs and lives and I cry. I am not sure whether I want him back more or if I want the me back that he loved. I cannot seperate the two anymore. How do you learn to un-love somebody that your trully loved. He is living about half a mile from me at the moment. He sometimes calls...we are "still friends" but how can I see him and not kiss and hug and adore. I know that it is over. I know that we are "incompatible". I tell everybody that I am fine, that we parted amicably. I just fail to mention that my heartbreak iis so heavy that it sometimes trys to suffocate me.
A little voice inside my head screams "GET OVER IT!!!" but then I hear his voice, I remember his beautiful, contagious laugh and I collapse. I want desperately to hear "Te quiero, te amo, vamos mi amor a ver el mundo" but never again will I see his adoring eyes. Never again will I hear the deep passion in his voice.....
Posted by B2chica on July 20, 2004, at 12:30:59
In reply to I am sad...., posted by Indie on July 20, 2004, at 11:30:06
ohhhhh, sweetheart. you sound like your heart just aches. i am sooo sorry you are hurting this way.
please Don't tell yourself to just "get over it". you need time to heal. And Never try to forget him. even though he's broken your heart, it sounds like you have some beautiful memories together. remember those, feel blessed that you were able to have them and remember that feeling. Yes, those times are now gone, don't forget that. Hang on to the love and memories, but don't hang on to the hurt, the ache, the disappointment. These will pass-will grow less and less with time, please trust me with this.
i think the fact that you haven't completely cut him out of your life is both incredibly admireable and incredibly painful. and to have him live only a 1/2 mile from you must be a constant remider. i am sorry for that.
You are focusing on all the "great times". well, if you two are separated there must have been some "not-so-great" times as well. Remember, the most impossible thing to compete with is a memory. sometimes we fall in love with a person, but stay in love with the memory. the memory of the great/unforgetable times, the hopes and dreams and sometimes unreal expectations of eachother. Sometimes when you think real hard and take a Really Close look at reality the memories you hold may be more than what was really there. (i'm not saying anything about you personally- EVERYONE on this earth does this.) it is a human factor. it's also a survival instict, to get past trying times.-Hang on to that part of you that knows you are incompatable, but don't be hard on yourself. you are grieving. you need to grieve for the lost relationship (whether or not it was really a "good" one). PLease dear heart give yourself time, but try Not to Dwell on it. This does no one anygood, especially if you suffer from depression on top of all this.
and sweetheart i have NO DOUBT in my mind that you WILL hear again "i love you, i want you", and you Will see the world! but you don't need a significant other for that!!
lots of love and hugs dear. ((((((((Indie))))))))
B2c.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 20, 2004, at 14:51:31
In reply to I am sad...., posted by Indie on July 20, 2004, at 11:30:06
((((Indie)))) I can hear the pain in your post. I have to tell you that I have *never* managed to maintain a relationship of any kind - good or bad - with a former S.O. You are lucky to have such lovely memories to be able to revisit, and it's an accomplishment to be able to stay friends. That doesn't make it hurt any less, I just wanted to tell you that I admire you.
pc
Posted by Indie on July 20, 2004, at 15:33:26
In reply to Re: I am sad.... » Indie, posted by partlycloudy on July 20, 2004, at 14:51:31
Wow. No relationships with ex-significant others?? Really?
Want some of mine?? I think that if I counted right now that more of my close friends are ex-lovers of one sort or another than not. Out of all of the relationships in my life, I am still friends with all except the one who killed himself, the one who stole $3000 from me and the one that is wanted by the FBI. There have only been two though that I REALLY loved. Loved with all of my heart, body and soul. The first now has a beautiful wife and a darling son the same age as my nephew. That one was hard...it only took me about 5 years to get over it...but we never really "broke up". He joined the Peace Corps and moved to Africa...I didn't see him for 3 years. I got over it the day I met his now wife. I just saw that he had met his soul mate and it was all OK. I am Auntie to his son and a friend to his wife. Of course with him I had to remain friends...I was just too close to his family and friends not to be.This one is still just too raw and I don't think I am strong enough to be his friend. I just can't stand to be around him and not touch. We always held hands, kissed in public, touched feet under the dinner table, slept curled up together.... We communicated very well physically...it was only when we needed to communicate through words on serious matters that it all fell apart....
So we are friends in theory, but I just cannot bear to learn to be "just friends". I think I will choose to keep him in my memory and not in my life...Sad. We were friends long before we were lovers, but I just don't think that I can do it.
Posted by octopusprime on July 20, 2004, at 20:51:01
In reply to I am sad...., posted by Indie on July 20, 2004, at 11:30:06
> I am not sure ... if I want the me back that he loved. How do you learn to un-love somebody ...
indie ... your post was so touching, i am sorry you are hurting
i pulled out two little bits that jumped out at me
i'm not an expert or anything but i had my heart broken once or twice (or more!) ... seemingly out of the blue ... and i have thought more than once i would never live or love again ...
i don't think you ever teach yourself to un-love somebody. but you can build yourself a new life, make a new you. it's a brain switch - learning to think of the possible instead of the past, finding a passion (be it artistic or work or gardening or politics or religion or yoga or whatever) and taking steps to make it happen (or just doing some new activity, something to get you out the door), making a new and more beautiful you, etc.
maybe you do want the you back that he loved. the you with the sparkle in your eye and the rosy cheek. the you that laughed effortlessly. the you that thought the world was peaceful, orderly, and beautiful, instead of ugly, chaotic, and bleak.
and there is no easy way to get that you. but there are baby steps to making a newer and stronger you. it will never be the same, but it could be better. with a breath of life and fresh air ...
i hope i am not minimizing your loss, you sound devastated. but because you are posting here, because you are sad, because you are being treated, you want to move on ... but how to move on?
i could never stand being around my exs (save for one) ... i couldn't see them, couldn't let the memories come flooding back until i had made a new me again. the new me would reject some of the old exs out of hand anyway. so i needed the space to reinvent me ...
i needed time to make the hurt stop enough so that i could see a vision of things i would want to do ...
i needed more time to do new things and get used to change a little bit at a time ...
and i never learned to unlove but i did learn how to fill my heart with something new ... (even if i haven't yet filled my heart with someone new)
here is wishing you strength to reinvent you.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 21, 2004, at 9:15:34
In reply to Re: I am sad.... » partlycloudy, posted by Indie on July 20, 2004, at 15:33:26
Yeah, I keep telling people that I'm a loser but that is real proof!! Having said that, I starting dating late, got married early, divorced after 18 years, dated a little bit (enough to know I hated it) then remarried 2 years later. So I haven't really known many people to be on good terms with. My ex is definitely someone I would ever speak to again.
So again - I think you're a lucky person!
Posted by Indie on July 21, 2004, at 9:51:36
In reply to Re: I am sad.... » Indie, posted by partlycloudy on July 21, 2004, at 9:15:34
That is hardly the sign of looserdom. I think that it would be extremely difficult to walk out of an 18 year marriage. I think that that takes a great deal of strength! I know, I AM a lucky person. I am glad that I didn't marry when I was too young, that I fully lived my youth...but I think that it is a little riduculous that I am 31 and have never been in a relationship for longer than 2 years. The number of people that I have dated is a testimate to the fact that I am unfit for love. I always end up taking my mood swings out on anybody that I am involved with. Every relationship that I have had has ended up in my running away or getting dumped...I also think that most men would think me unfit for marriage just because of the number of men that I have slept with...Manic swings into unsafe sexual behavior. Yup, that's me. (Not to say that I haven't enjoyed my sex life fully :-)
Anyway, thank you so much for the support. I think that sometimes just grasp at reasons for why I feel so awful. I feel awful because I am depressed. I feel awful because I failed at school. I continue to feel awful because I can't seem to get off my butt and finish school work, keep in touch with friends, get a job, do anything to have fun....etc.etc. I think that I am just stuck in this black hole forever. Right now I just hate myself, I hate my life and I hate the world for giving me this stupid illness and taking the best father in the world away from me. I think that sometimes I just feel like if somebody else loved me I could love myself again...but I know that that is not true.
Sigh. Sorry for whining so much. I just can't seem to keep any momentum going for longer than two days and then I just end up back here crying, ruminating and too exhausted to do anything at all...
> Yeah, I keep telling people that I'm a loser but that is real proof!! Having said that, I starting dating late, got married early, divorced after 18 years, dated a little bit (enough to know I hated it) then remarried 2 years later. So I haven't really known many people to be on good terms with. My ex is definitely someone I would ever speak to again.
>
> So again - I think you're a lucky person!
Posted by Indie on July 21, 2004, at 10:16:22
In reply to you never learn to un-love » Indie, posted by octopusprime on July 20, 2004, at 20:51:01
Thank you. Your words comfort and inspire me to get up and try one more day. I have just been in this stupid depression for so long (over a year) that I can't seem to see my way through it. I have fought and fallen down so many times that I just don't feel like I have any fight left in me. I have been hiding in this room for what seems like forever and every time I try to get up and try something positive it exhausts me so much that all I can do is sleep...
I am going to stop whining now and go get some exercise before I go work on my papers.
Thank you for being so sweet!
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