![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
Where to begin?? I can’t start from the beginning or it would be a novel. Let me start with me…I am 31 years old, bipolar II and have been fighting the illness for years, sometimes with great success, sometimes a complete failure. That is where I am now…knocked down and I can’t get up. I have been reading here for years and have found great info and support just seeing that others felt the blackness and came out the other side…I was hesitant to write because I am bad about follow-through when I am depressed and did not want to let anybody here down. But, Last week some time I was reading a thread started by Angel Girl and it made me cry....and cry…and cry some more. I wanted to give her hugs and give her comfort. Then I realized that I wanted that same support that I wanted to offer…I think I need the support of a group such as this.
To start, I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 19 having suffered several bouts with depression. It was only when I began to experience the blackness of wanting to die, of wanting to take a bottle of sleeping pills and swim as far into the ocean as I could, that I sought help. That seems silly now as my father suffered with depression as well. We should have recognized the signs…but we didn’t. At the age of 24, around the same time that my father killed himself, my diagnosis was changed to bipolar II. Much has happened in my life since then, but I will keep it as brief as I can.
I have always responded poorly to medication. It seems that any drug that works once just stops working at some point. It has often pushed me to my wits end where I feel hopeless and want to end it all. However, with my fathers death, I know the devastation that suicide brings to all of the people that care for you so I have promised them that I will not follow in his footsteps…I almost always cling to that promise when I am at my worst. At one point in 2000, I was rapid cycling, desperate and responding to nothing. My p-doc and I decided to give ECT a try. At the time it seemed to be the magic that I had searched for…for three years I was off of meds and almost completely stable (doc thinks I was a bit hypo-manic for a lot of it…I just know that I was happy and doing very well in my career). I hated the memory loss, but it was worth it.
Having been stable for that long, I felt safe to get into a real relationship with an amazing man. Shortly after that I decided to go back to school to get a masters degree in International Business. So off I trekked, half way across the country to school. The first year was great. School was good, I learned to speak Portuguese and the relationship seemed to be surviving the long distance just fine. At the end of the year my classmates and I went to Brazil to study for six weeks…the boyfriend joined us and all was well. However I started to feel the familiar tug of depression in the back of my head. Like the smart girl that I am…I chose to ignore it. After Brazil I was off to Portugal for an internship. One of the requirements of the program is a 4-month internship. (Yes I am aware of how great my life is.)
Portugal is where the storm really hit. The internship that I had set up fell through and I was left to my own devices alone in a foreign country. I recovered well from this little glitch. I went to Lisbon and quickly lined up a new internship. The boyfriend was to join me in a couple of weeks. However, the stress of all of it pushed the already blooming depression into full swing. I did not want to leave my apartment. Every time I was in the train station, I looked at the oncoming trains and though how easily I could end it all by just stepping off of the platform. I even planned on doing it once…put a note in my purse and headed to the train station. Right as I was ready to go, a little girl walked into the station and I did not want her to see that. Maybe I was looking for an excuse to live. At any rate, it got so bad that a friend of mine who lives in London had to come and help me pack and get home.
I came home to my friends and the only p-doc that I trust to get some help. After several weeks I felt better and decided to do a semester in Australia. Again…smart girl, I should have known that the beast would follow me where ever I went and should have stayed in reach of a good doctor but I was determined to follow my dreams, so off I went with boyfriend and a couple of classmates. The first couple of months were good but I started to decline again. I finished with my classes but my boyfriend could not take my moodiness and dumped me and one of my dearest friends from school decided that I was incompetent and dumped me too.
After Australia I returned to the states and spent the new years with my family and then headed back to school to complete my final semester. The depression just got worse and worse despite taking my meds, staying completely sober and exercising every day. I was extremely suicidal and could not get it under control. I decided once again to get ECT. I hated the thought of memory loss but it worked so well the first time that I needed to do it. Not this time…the only effect it had this time was to increase my anxiety because I couldn’t remember anything. Half of me was going to school, determined to finish…half of me was planning my death. I found one of the most deadly tropical plants and ordered seeds on-line. One of the seeds has been known to be fatal…I ordered 1000, sure that that would be enough. When I received them I put them in my pantry and felt a certain assurance that I could do it and told myself that I wouldn’t. Determined to live and pursue my dreams.
I continued to study but my sleep was getting in the way. I needed 10 or 12 hours of sleep a night and couldn’t function without it, this lead to my sleeping through my morning classes quite frequently. One morning I slept through my favorite class…again… and decided that I was tired of feeling like an incompetent fool. I took the seeds out of the pantry and ground them in my coffee grinder stirred then into a morning smoothie and drank it down. I wasn’t sure how long it would take so I got my backpack and headed off to school because I had a presentation to give. By sundown I was beginning to feel ill, started vomiting and having diarrhea. I went to sleep and the next day I barely had the energy to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t even drink water I was so week. That is the last thing I remember for several days. That Friday I was picked up in a Wal-Mart and almost arrested because I had no money and started fighting with one of the clerks. Ultimately they called an ambulance and sent me to a hospital instead. I was 2 hours away from my apartment. I had become delirious and started having hallucinations but somehow managed to drive 120 miles without remembering anything. I woke up several days later in the hospital and my sister and mother were there, my mother had returned from a trip to Italy to be there. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks…the doctors said that I would have died it I hadn’t made it to the hospital when I did. Near success…but not quite. The poison was never identified and nobody identified it as a suicide attempt…nobody besides my p-doc knows what I did and it haunts me to know. I need to talk about it but it is such a betrayal to my friends and family that I cannot tell anybody. It is a betrayal of myself.
That was 2 months ago. Needless to say, I did not complete my schoolwork. However, they allowed me to graduate with several incompletes. All I have to do is complete 3 papers and take 1 test to finish. But I can’t do it. Currently I am paying my best friend $150 for the privilege of sleeping on her couch and be left alone to ignore the passage of time. I do nothing. I somehow pass the time, occasionally reading a book and surfing the Internet. All I have to do is finish those small tasks and I will be able to complete my studies and get a great job…but I do nothing. Every day I promise myself that tomorrow will be different…every day I break that promise. I have no self-confidence, I feel unlovable, I do not want to talk to anybody, I am scared to take any steps forward for the fear of failing again. I do not care about anything. I do not want to talk to anybody. I am alienating everybody in my life.
My p-doc assures me that all of this behavior and self-hatred is depression. He assures me that we will find something that works and I will be back to my ambitious self, working hard and traveling as much as I can. I am not quite convinced. I feel like I am just being lazy and making excuses. I keep thinking that if the drugs aren’t working that I must not be sick. I am currently seeking nutritional treatments but I am afraid to get my hopes up. I do not want to die but I often think that suicide is inevitable. I tell myself that since I survived the attempt that there is a reason that I am here but I don’t believe it. I feel worthless. I just want to live again but the pain and anxiety are too much to bear.
HELP!!!
Well, I would be very happy if somebody has taken the time to read my story and write back. If not this has been good for me to just get it all out and on paper, or rather on computer.
I hope everybody is smiling today and that I can join you in laughter soon!!!
Indie
Posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:08:31
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
Sounds like you are having a really tough time right now. You mentioned that you don't respond well to medication, neither do I.
I'm glad you lived through your suicide attempt. I have suffered from suicidal ideation (although I haven't ever actually tried to do it). I feel like I can kind of relate to how it feels to not want to wake up in the morning. I'm pretty depressed right now too. Perhaps, we can comfort each other and offer support to each other.
When I feel bad, Dinah, one of the other posters here, always tells me, "This too shall pass." It helps me to try to see more into the future. I think seeing past today, this hour, this minute is sometimes impaired by severe depression. I feel like this post is wildly inadequate where support is concerned. I wish I had the magic comforting words to say to you. Please let me know how you are feeling today.
Elle
Posted by tabitha on July 14, 2004, at 2:28:21
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
Hi. I read your story, all the way to the end. I wish I had an answer for you. I hate the ups and downs, and the feeling of being stuck and not having enough control to prod myself forward. I'm also diagnosed BPII and have a parent who suicided when I was in my 30s. I got a lot of mileage out of my determination not to repeat her fate.
Welcome to Babble and thanks for sharing your history with us.
Posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 2:55:51
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
hi Indie,
wow - I'm impressed! Masters in IB...Brazil...Portugal. You are clearly a talented person with a knack for languages & a yen for adventure. I bet you have some great stories to share (in addition to the sad ones.) I'd love to hear some of your adventures & funny events - I'm sure you have them too. :)I'm glad you're still here. Glad you never gave into the suicidal urges. It would be sad to deprive the world of a cool person like yourself.
I have to say -- you need to finish your classes. I believe 75% of your current depression will lift once you complete the final classes. You're worked so hard for so long that it would be a huge waste to give it all up! Fight through this! Write those last 3 papers! Take that last test! Power through it! Fight through it! Do it! You CAN do it. You NEED to do it. Get your butt off that couch. Turn off the TV. No more surfing. Write those darn papers and be done with it!
I know the horrible nagging feeling that comes from leaving a huge task undone. Do the work & reap the rewards that you deserve and for which you're worked so hard. Then any stress related to school will be gone, like a haze washed away by rain. At that point you can focus on the other stressors in your life that cause depression without getting sidetracked or losing focus.
But you NEED to finish!
Good luck. You're going to kick butt on those papers & the test. Write back & let us all know how you're doing.
Take Care!
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 3:04:45
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
Indie:
You ARE lovable. You ARE worth much. I know this, even though I don't know you, because your story tells of a complex introspective person who has a lot to offer. You WILL find a drug that works. And you WILL laugh again.
Here's a joke to get you started. It's stupid, but it made me laugh, even with a groan. Here goes:
So a man goes to his doctor with an unusual complaint. "Doc," he says,"I have some very odd symptoms. My leg talks to me!"
The doctor is unconvinced. "That's not possible," he tells the man.
"Seriously, doc. My leg talks, all the time. Listen to it! It's driving me nuts. I don't know what to do."
So the doctor puts his head down to the patient's thigh, and sure enough, he hears a voice! It says, "Can you give me fifteen dollars? I need fifteen dollars."
The doctor is astounded. "Your thigh talks!" he exclaims in consternation.
"That's not all, doc," says the patient in excitement. "Listen to my knee. It talks too."
So the doc puts his head down and listens, and a little voice issues forth from the knee. It says, "Hey, I need ten dollars. Can you give me ten dollars?"
The doc shakes his head, perlexed. "I've never heard --" he begins.
"But that's not the end of it," protests the man. "Listen to my ankle."
The doc bends his head once again and hears a small voice from the ankle: "I need five dollars."
The doc leaves the room and pores through medical books, trying to find something -- anything! -- that can explain this phenomenal event. Finally he rushes back into the room smiling and bustling around.
"Aha!" he exclaims to the man. "I've figured it out!"
"What it is, doc? What is it?" cries the man.
"It appears," says the doctor, "That your leg is broke in three places."
------------- pause for laughter --------------
OK. I know it's bad. But kind of funny, eh?
Hope you have more things in your life to make you smile.
Take Care.
JenSTar
Posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 3:11:30
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
Elle2021 has a good point. My mother also says "this too shall pass" every time I'm depressed or anxious or cry about something that is making me upset. (I'm 32 and I still cry to my mother sometimes!)
This will pass with your help. Be your own friend. You deserve a good friend. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself that hug that you need. Buy yourself a treat: something from Godiva, a new book, or just something you like. Do it because you're a neat person AND because you're going to finish those papers & test. (Yes, I know I'm harping on that, but it's important to do!)
Ok. That's probably enough from me. You'll get sick of hearing from me. :)
have a good day!
take care.
JenStar
Posted by partlycloudy on July 14, 2004, at 5:06:37
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
Welcome to babble, Indie. If you're interested in nutritional supplements, the Alternative board is a good place to post. I'm glad you have a p-doc you trust and that you'll work with. Finding the right treatment is harrowing. It helped my p-doc for me to be specific about my symptoms - do you bring notes to your appointments?
Also, are you seeing a therapist or would you consider it?
Posted by nephron on July 14, 2004, at 5:22:36
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
You say you're got to take 3 papers and a test- sometimes even though rationally you know that this isn't a huge amount, emotionally it feels like you'll never be able to do it.
How about breaking it down into much much smaller steps- maybe today or tomorrow you could look at the requirements for just one of the papers, the day after look on the internet or go to the library to get some articles or references, the next day read just a little bit...
Breaking big tasks down into half hour or so, easily manageable tasks helps you get things done even when it seems like doing anything is too hard.
*hugs* Just about all of us have been there and you come out of it eventually- the only thing is to keep going and do what you can until it passes. *hugs*
Posted by gardenergirl on July 14, 2004, at 8:02:53
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story., posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 3:04:45
Posted by karen_kay on July 14, 2004, at 9:23:16
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
indie,
i was just thinking to myself how completely hopeless i feel because i have no coffee. now, that's not all i don't have and that's not all of the story, but that's what it boils down to. i went to bed crying last night because i knew when i woke up this morning i'd have no coffee (and i live for coffee, it's the only reason i wake up in all honesty, or one of the few.) but, i did have very sweet dreams last night! so, that makes up for no coffee!
do you have something small like that, that makes life bearable at this point? i know they're very hard to name, but i KNOW they are there...
a friendly voice on the phone (if you say no, you just haven't found the right voice yet)ice cream (again, if you say no, you haven't found the right brand and flavor yet.. have you tried ben and jerry's (OMG! topamax! i loathe you! i've forgotten! falls! help! the kind with brownies, and chocolate, and fudge chunks... i'll post it in about 20 minutes, when it comes to me :)
now, i could suggest getting naked in swimming pools but others tend to frown on that one
music!!!!!!!
poetry
http://www.charlesbukowski.20m.com/bukowski_poems.html(this is from the book i'm getting!!!!) "love is a dog from hell" bukowski i can't wait!!!
use the small things to get you through day to day. then, once you feel a bit stronger, finish your classes. (oh, and you said you would be happy if someone would ready your story and write back, remember? :)... are you happy yet?..) dear, i hope things get better for you. until they do, hold onto the small things, corny jokes (nice one jen star), old cards from friends and family (even i keep some of those, don't you? refer to them often), coffee first thing in the morning, sweet dreams, puppies (or kittens i guess if you are a cat person), the smell of fresh cut lawns, candy, hair bands (it's sometimes fun to sing old hair band songs even still), the fact that you've travelled (and the adventures you've had), and i know you still have some memories in your head that can bring a smile to your face even when you're crying, right? come on, i know you do... think of one right now.. if you can't imagine this.. my old man called me ungrateful 2 nights ago, so i decided not to eat (wouldn't want to be considered ungrateful, now would i? yes, i'm spiteful along with beautiful :))... so, he went to taco bell, bought a crapload (yes, that's a word) of tacos, gobbled them down very fast (while i lay in bed crying) and i awoke to him moaning 'oh, i'm so sick... i think i have food poisoning..' now, if that doesn't bring a smile to your face right now dear, you need to give me your number and i have a crapload of stories to tell you...
and i really do hope you can feel better soon. i know there's not an easy solution to this thing, but god i wish there was!
take care dear!
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 10:20:45
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
This is a magical place. I did not expect anybody to read all of my babbling and write back so soon. Of course that is partly depression talking...I just don't feel like anything that I have to say is interesting enough to wade through yet I know in my head that my life has been amazing so far....I just can't feel it in my heart.
Thank you all for reminding me that this will SOME DAY pass!!!
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 10:42:42
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story. » Indie, posted by Elle2021 on July 14, 2004, at 1:08:31
No support is inadequate! It is such a relief to talk (or rather write) to people that really understand what depression is like. It is great that somebody knows what it is like to take pill after pill, drug after drug and then wait...wait to start living again. My grandmother always asks me if I am taking my medication...I always want to scream at her and say (with great sarcasm) "NO!! I LIKE being this way!!" I know she means well and having lost her son to suicide she is terrified of the illness. I just can't bear people who think that as long as I take my medication I will be fine...
As for your suicidal thoughts, good for you for never giving in. When ever you have them again write to me and I will remind you of the devastion that suicide causes. I will remind you of the constant guilt I feel for giving in and deciding to die. I will remind you of being frightened of myself, frightened of the dark side of me for trying to kill the light side of me!!
Thank you for reminding me that this shall pass. I need that reminder now. After over a year of almost constant depression it is hard to remember that. Today I feel that I might be able to take a shower and go somewhere to work on my papers. Somehow writing all of this down, actually following through and seeking support, has made me a little more confident that I can finish those tasks that are holding me back.
Hugs to you! I hope your day is a little brighter than yesterday and your depression leaves you soon. I know that you deserve to be free from all of this.
> Sounds like you are having a really tough time right now. You mentioned that you don't respond well to medication, neither do I.
>
> I'm glad you lived through your suicide attempt. I have suffered from suicidal ideation (although I haven't ever actually tried to do it). I feel like I can kind of relate to how it feels to not want to wake up in the morning. I'm pretty depressed right now too. Perhaps, we can comfort each other and offer support to each other.
>
> When I feel bad, Dinah, one of the other posters here, always tells me, "This too shall pass." It helps me to try to see more into the future. I think seeing past today, this hour, this minute is sometimes impaired by severe depression. I feel like this post is wildly inadequate where support is concerned. I wish I had the magic comforting words to say to you. Please let me know how you are feeling today.
>
> Elle
>
>
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 11:01:57
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story., posted by tabitha on July 14, 2004, at 2:28:21
Sounds like we have some things in common. I hope that we can support one another here and get past some of the bad times.
Can I ask you how you deal with your mothers suicide? My father killed himself 7 years ago and I still haven't figured out a way to find peace. I often feel that I am at peace with it but then the grief and confusion and anger all wash over me again. I was decidedly a "daddy's girl" and his choice to leave me here is more than I can bear. Last week I went to my sister's house to spend time with her and her new son (the light of my life these days) and she had a picture out of my parents and I at my graduation. This sparked the grief all over again...the day that picture was taken was the last time I saw him. It nearly drives me crazy when the grief washes over me like a thick tar. The phrase "self inflicted gunshot wound to the head" plays over and over in my head. It is sick...it is soooo clinical to think of it that way but I can't get it out of my head. I talked to my sister about it and she has a similar experience but her phrase is "my dad blew his brains out". Do you have any experiences like this?? Do you have a method of dealing with it??
Sorry to speak of such a gruesome topic but I am curious of how others cope with such a dreadful experience.
Indie
> Hi. I read your story, all the way to the end. I wish I had an answer for you. I hate the ups and downs, and the feeling of being stuck and not having enough control to prod myself forward. I'm also diagnosed BPII and have a parent who suicided when I was in my 30s. I got a lot of mileage out of my determination not to repeat her fate.
>
> Welcome to Babble and thanks for sharing your history with us.
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 11:16:53
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story., posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 2:55:51
Thanks for that! I need somebody to tell me to get off my butt and get it done...My friends and family are sooo supportive, too supportive. They all tell me not to be hard on myself, not to stress. They say that it is OK that I haven't finished. They say I need time to relax. That support is wonderful, but I seem to have fallen into it like a big fluffy chair that you never want to get out of.
I think today I will heed you advise and start wading through the first paper. It is a 20 page paper and I have already found the literature and data that I need...1500 pages of literature that is. It is a little daunting and I know that it is going to take awhile to get through it...so I have just been ignoring it. You are so right though. It is not going to go away and I need to be done.
Wish me luck. I am going to start today!!
> hi Indie,
> wow - I'm impressed! Masters in IB...Brazil...Portugal. You are clearly a talented person with a knack for languages & a yen for adventure. I bet you have some great stories to share (in addition to the sad ones.) I'd love to hear some of your adventures & funny events - I'm sure you have them too. :)
>
> I'm glad you're still here. Glad you never gave into the suicidal urges. It would be sad to deprive the world of a cool person like yourself.
>
> I have to say -- you need to finish your classes. I believe 75% of your current depression will lift once you complete the final classes. You're worked so hard for so long that it would be a huge waste to give it all up! Fight through this! Write those last 3 papers! Take that last test! Power through it! Fight through it! Do it! You CAN do it. You NEED to do it. Get your butt off that couch. Turn off the TV. No more surfing. Write those darn papers and be done with it!
>
> I know the horrible nagging feeling that comes from leaving a huge task undone. Do the work & reap the rewards that you deserve and for which you're worked so hard. Then any stress related to school will be gone, like a haze washed away by rain. At that point you can focus on the other stressors in your life that cause depression without getting sidetracked or losing focus.
>
> But you NEED to finish!
>
> Good luck. You're going to kick butt on those papers & the test. Write back & let us all know how you're doing.
>
> Take Care!
> JenStar
>
>
>
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 11:21:46
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story., posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 3:11:30
I don't think I will get tired of hearing from you. As a matter of fact I will trust you to tell me to get off my butt whenever I lose momentum.
That is all for now. As much as I am enjoying the support here I am affraid that I am now using this to procrastinate more.
More tomorrow.
> Elle2021 has a good point. My mother also says "this too shall pass" every time I'm depressed or anxious or cry about something that is making me upset. (I'm 32 and I still cry to my mother sometimes!)
>
> This will pass with your help. Be your own friend. You deserve a good friend. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself that hug that you need. Buy yourself a treat: something from Godiva, a new book, or just something you like. Do it because you're a neat person AND because you're going to finish those papers & test. (Yes, I know I'm harping on that, but it's important to do!)
>
> Ok. That's probably enough from me. You'll get sick of hearing from me. :)
>
> have a good day!
> take care.
> JenStar
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 11:27:02
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story., posted by JenStar on July 14, 2004, at 3:04:45
HA!! That is soooo bad. Made me giggle though. Thanks for the laugh.
Off to work on papers...OK maybe I will answer a couple more posts first. Did I mention that I am really enjoying this new place of virtual support?
> Indie:
>
> You ARE lovable. You ARE worth much. I know this, even though I don't know you, because your story tells of a complex introspective person who has a lot to offer. You WILL find a drug that works. And you WILL laugh again.
>
> Here's a joke to get you started. It's stupid, but it made me laugh, even with a groan. Here goes:
>
> So a man goes to his doctor with an unusual complaint. "Doc," he says,"I have some very odd symptoms. My leg talks to me!"
>
> The doctor is unconvinced. "That's not possible," he tells the man.
>
> "Seriously, doc. My leg talks, all the time. Listen to it! It's driving me nuts. I don't know what to do."
>
> So the doctor puts his head down to the patient's thigh, and sure enough, he hears a voice! It says, "Can you give me fifteen dollars? I need fifteen dollars."
>
> The doctor is astounded. "Your thigh talks!" he exclaims in consternation.
>
> "That's not all, doc," says the patient in excitement. "Listen to my knee. It talks too."
>
> So the doc puts his head down and listens, and a little voice issues forth from the knee. It says, "Hey, I need ten dollars. Can you give me ten dollars?"
>
> The doc shakes his head, perlexed. "I've never heard --" he begins.
>
> "But that's not the end of it," protests the man. "Listen to my ankle."
>
> The doc bends his head once again and hears a small voice from the ankle: "I need five dollars."
>
> The doc leaves the room and pores through medical books, trying to find something -- anything! -- that can explain this phenomenal event. Finally he rushes back into the room smiling and bustling around.
>
> "Aha!" he exclaims to the man. "I've figured it out!"
>
> "What it is, doc? What is it?" cries the man.
>
> "It appears," says the doctor, "That your leg is broke in three places."
>
> ------------- pause for laughter --------------
>
> OK. I know it's bad. But kind of funny, eh?
>
> Hope you have more things in your life to make you smile.
>
> Take Care.
> JenSTar
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 11:40:54
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story. » Indie, posted by partlycloudy on July 14, 2004, at 5:06:37
Thanks for the advice. I have been reading in the Alternative board over the last couple of weeks but it kinda makes my head spin...too much information and I have no idea where to start. I am looking into some blood tests an urine tests to give me an idea of where I am deficient but I don't want to pay for hocus pokus.
As for therapy I have been working with my p-doc as he is a licened therapist as well as a psychiatrist. I just don't want to spend hours and hours explaining my whole life to a new therapist and having to find somebody that I work well with. The one down fall of that is that he has been treating me for so long that we have alot to talk about. Sometimes we end up chatting about politics, about technology, about psyco-pharmaceutical issues. He is convinced that my current depression, lack of self confidence, lack of motivation, etc. is at least 75% chemical. I think this week however he realized really how much pain I am in and we focused on them. I think that now we will focus more on the 25% that is not chemical..ie my current lack of coping skills.
> Welcome to babble, Indie. If you're interested in nutritional supplements, the Alternative board is a good place to post. I'm glad you have a p-doc you trust and that you'll work with. Finding the right treatment is harrowing. It helped my p-doc for me to be specific about my symptoms - do you bring notes to your appointments?
>
> Also, are you seeing a therapist or would you consider it?
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 11:44:45
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story., posted by nephron on July 14, 2004, at 5:22:36
OK. In a little while I will crack out the 150 pages of economic literature I have and break it into managable chunks. Wish me luck!!
Hugs back attcha!
> You say you're got to take 3 papers and a test- sometimes even though rationally you know that this isn't a huge amount, emotionally it feels like you'll never be able to do it.
>
> How about breaking it down into much much smaller steps- maybe today or tomorrow you could look at the requirements for just one of the papers, the day after look on the internet or go to the library to get some articles or references, the next day read just a little bit...
>
> Breaking big tasks down into half hour or so, easily manageable tasks helps you get things done even when it seems like doing anything is too hard.
>
> *hugs* Just about all of us have been there and you come out of it eventually- the only thing is to keep going and do what you can until it passes. *hugs*
Posted by ghost on July 14, 2004, at 12:24:41
In reply to New member needing support. LONG story., posted by Indie on July 13, 2004, at 23:48:40
it's stories like yours that make me wish babble could be this big huge support group where we could all meet in real life and give each other the hugs we desperately need and deserve.
i have no magical words. but i do want you to know i read your story was extremely moved. thank you for trusting us enough to share it.
i'm pulling for you, and i think you'll find that the everyone else is, too.
but just remember, as long as you have the will to get better (and it sounds like you do), things will change... there's nowhere else to go but up at this point, i think.
good luck, and do keep us posted.
many hugs,
ghost
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 13:02:00
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story., posted by karen_kay on July 14, 2004, at 9:23:16
Yummy. Coffee and ice cream. Now you are sombody that I could hang out with. I just made some more coffee even though I have already had a couple of cups. If I could, I would come pick you up and we could go sit in a cafe and spend the whole day drinking coffee and eating ice cream while we talk about all of the little things that make this world worth living for. My favorite ice cream? Ben and Jerrys Cherry Garcia, Cookies and Cream, Chocolate Peanut Butter.
It is the strangest thing, I have never had a sweet tooth, I have always craved salty fat foods but after I got out of the hospital all I crave is ice cream and breakfast cereal. I swear, if my friends didn't make me go out to dinner or make dinner here all I would eat is cereal and ice cream. It gives me that unnerving feeling that all of life is chemical reactions. Love, joy, pain, everything is just reactions to all of the thousands of chemicals in our brain. It scares me that once doctors really understand the workings of the brain...and it will happen some day...that everybody will be able to alter their lives and feelings by simply taking a few pills.Remember the Stepford Wives?? Scarey!! Very On the other hand, this understanding would cure the chemical side of the nasty illnesses that everybody here suffer.
HMMM. My littel things that make me smile:
Being able to make my nephew laugh...the contagious laughter of a child is amazing!!
The feeling of my nephew snuggling into my arms and going to sleep with little baby sighs.
Knowing that my sister keeps the phone by her bed in case I need to talk in the wee hours of the morning.
Sitting with my best friend, drinking mexican martinis and talking about all of our adventures about the big wide world. (I know I shouldn't drink and that I shouldn't live in the past, but it reminds me that I have been happy, very happy and will some day be again)
Music...music is always able to fit your mood and is able to change your mood if you will let it.
Laying in the sun reading a really good book.
Roller coasters.
The smell of a lily.
The smell of bourbon that reminds me always of my grandparents giving me bourbon soaked cherrys when I was a child.
The thrill of arriving in a country where you have never been and setting out to discover its rich past and culture.
Sex with somebody that you trully love.
Doing something little that makes somebodies day.
Walking on the beach at sun down.
SCUBA diving.
The smell of the rain forest.
Laughing until your stomach hurts and your eyes water.
Falling in love.
Doing something that you are really good at.
Law and Order
Playing a good game of fetch with your dog. (I don't currently have a dog and find it sad to live without puppy love)
Discovering people with whom you can share your stories, pain, joy and all of the things that make up living without fear of being judged for the way you feel...
.....
WOW, that alot of joy. I could go on but I think it is time for me to stop hiding in my computer and start living again. I know it is an uphill climb, but I have climbed out of the darkness before and I believe now that I can do it again. I think that when I made my suicide attempt, I decided to die. While I lived through it, I don't think that I have made the choice to live again. The simple act of writing it all down really makes me want to fight my way back to life and stop living in limbo. I'm off to work on the paper...wish me luck!!!
> indie,
>
> i was just thinking to myself how completely hopeless i feel because i have no coffee. now, that's not all i don't have and that's not all of the story, but that's what it boils down to. i went to bed crying last night because i knew when i woke up this morning i'd have no coffee (and i live for coffee, it's the only reason i wake up in all honesty, or one of the few.) but, i did have very sweet dreams last night! so, that makes up for no coffee!
>
> do you have something small like that, that makes life bearable at this point? i know they're very hard to name, but i KNOW they are there...
> a friendly voice on the phone (if you say no, you just haven't found the right voice yet)
>
> ice cream (again, if you say no, you haven't found the right brand and flavor yet.. have you tried ben and jerry's (OMG! topamax! i loathe you! i've forgotten! falls! help! the kind with brownies, and chocolate, and fudge chunks... i'll post it in about 20 minutes, when it comes to me :)
>
> now, i could suggest getting naked in swimming pools but others tend to frown on that one
>
> music!!!!!!!
>
> poetry
> http://www.charlesbukowski.20m.com/bukowski_poems.html
>
> (this is from the book i'm getting!!!!) "love is a dog from hell" bukowski i can't wait!!!
>
> use the small things to get you through day to day. then, once you feel a bit stronger, finish your classes. (oh, and you said you would be happy if someone would ready your story and write back, remember? :)... are you happy yet?..) dear, i hope things get better for you. until they do, hold onto the small things, corny jokes (nice one jen star), old cards from friends and family (even i keep some of those, don't you? refer to them often), coffee first thing in the morning, sweet dreams, puppies (or kittens i guess if you are a cat person), the smell of fresh cut lawns, candy, hair bands (it's sometimes fun to sing old hair band songs even still), the fact that you've travelled (and the adventures you've had), and i know you still have some memories in your head that can bring a smile to your face even when you're crying, right? come on, i know you do... think of one right now.. if you can't imagine this.. my old man called me ungrateful 2 nights ago, so i decided not to eat (wouldn't want to be considered ungrateful, now would i? yes, i'm spiteful along with beautiful :))... so, he went to taco bell, bought a crapload (yes, that's a word) of tacos, gobbled them down very fast (while i lay in bed crying) and i awoke to him moaning 'oh, i'm so sick... i think i have food poisoning..' now, if that doesn't bring a smile to your face right now dear, you need to give me your number and i have a crapload of stories to tell you...
>
> and i really do hope you can feel better soon. i know there's not an easy solution to this thing, but god i wish there was!
>
> take care dear!
>
>
Posted by karen_kay on July 14, 2004, at 14:48:43
In reply to Re: New member needing support. LONG story. » karen_kay, posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 13:02:00
wowsa, are you my sister by chance? nevermind, she doesn't drink bourbon.. but, everything you said reminds me of my best friend.. ME!! (what, me cocky? never!!!!!) and i LOVE BOURBON.. wnat to come and have a drink? i have some woodford reserve here, if you want a drink dear!
your list really reminds me of me though! WOWSA!)
about sisters... god love them! mine are ALWAYS there.. when i complain about my old man, mine (the one that always dares me to get naked in public and 'start the relovution', knowing full well that i never turn down a dare), asked me 'do you want me to turn this car around and help you pack your bags? i'll put you up until you are on your feet again.' she knows i need a rescuer. sisters are great, aren't they? my other sister, i'm convinced is my soul mate and i plan to live in a castle, with her living in one wing (of course, i'd have to get her her own assistant, as she'd get lost) because i couldn't stand to be without her close.... she often times calls me when she has a 'feeling' i'm down.. her gut is often right on too.
about nieces and nephews.. they are something else too aren't they? they just bring that joy back to you, don't they? it's contagious. i jsut saw my daughter (ok, she's my niece, just i swear, one day she'll be mine, she looks just like me too!!!!) adn she was running around me on the trampoline and i told ehr every time she fell, she had to give me a kiss. she looked ta me (she's only 2) and said 'but i love kisses' i said 'i know!!!' so, everytime she got close3 to me, she fell on purpose. and she got lots of kisses.. i love her sooooo much. her love for me jsut brings me back to life!!!! i hope i do the same to her! (i'm sure i do!)
about fatty and salty foods: me too! my favorite food to eat is chips and that canned chese dip! can't get enough! my favorite dinner! straight from the gas station! yummy yummy! i'd take that any day over ice cream (sorry falls my dear :( , but i have a weakness for chips and cheese! (and not tortilla chips either, regular potatoe chips (did i spell it right, or pull a quale?)
yes, pick me up!! i could sit in a coffee shop all cday and talk to strangers! my favoite pass time!
hmmmmm, you said martini!!! GIN or vodka? this is very important and a debate that is ongoing.. please do respond..
now, i most post something very important right now, but, let's have a conversation, ok? seems like we have quite a bit in common. hold on to those little things dear. they keep me going. laughter helps me sooo much. and i laugh at the silliest things too... i found out that canned juice (you know, that you jsut open and drink, like a cola) only has 3% juice!!!! can you believe that crap! i still drink it because 3% is better than 0% but still, i've been bamboozled (i look for chances to use that words, you know, i LOVE it!).... and, the can says to shake it, but if you shake it, when you open the can, the juice squirts all over you. so, i never remember to shake it until after i get to the bottom and drink the concentrated juice at the end (YUCK!!!! harsh!)... but, i laugh, grit my teeth, and drink... and, today, i thought i had a pdoc apt this afternoon. so, i got all prettied up (yes, i get prettied up to see the pdoc, don't want him to think i'm crazy or anything :) and i found out later that TODAY IS NOT THE 16th.. imagine that. if you don't have a calendar, you don't know what day it is! so, i wasted 2 whole hours getting prettied up jsut for myself! but, i appreciate myself and being pretty for myself, so wowsa, i'm pretty! and maybve i'll go get another cup of coffee and shake my butt for the gas station guy? hmmmm....
have a great day dear.. get working on your paper. (they stink!) but, it helps if you keep us updated too.. i know i had a large paper due and these folks helped me (rode my butt, as i'm unmotivated and lazy!!! and supported me too!) to get it done! so, KEEP US UPDATED! bye bye dear!
Posted by zenhussy on July 14, 2004, at 15:18:33
In reply to did you say bourbon? you're my kinda gal!!! » Indie, posted by karen_kay on July 14, 2004, at 14:48:43
Posted by karen_kay on July 14, 2004, at 15:48:08
In reply to Bombay Sapphire Gin for martini. No debate. (nm) » karen_kay, posted by zenhussy on July 14, 2004, at 15:18:33
wonderful to see your name.
you never did say if you'd marry me.i'm heartbroken you know :( (the rejection, the horror: cue horror music)
(i only lie about half the time)
but, it is wonderful to see your name again :) just your name alone lights up this board.. now, let's see if we can get the beautiful gabby to make her grand entrance sometime soon? oh, i may faint if that happens....
and the GIN.. let's get together and sip martinis in cocktail dresses (which would come off sooner or later of course... WHERE'S GABBI??????)
Posted by Indie on July 14, 2004, at 16:01:15
In reply to did you say bourbon? you're my kinda gal!!! » Indie, posted by karen_kay on July 14, 2004, at 14:48:43
Actually, the martini of which I spoke is the Mexican martini. It is like a super strong margarita served in a shaker with a martini glass rimmed with salt and three green olives. Maybe it is just a Texas thing. I highly reccomend giving it a try if you get the chance.
As for your traditional martini...I must agree with zenhussy. Bombay saphire is the way to go. Oddly, I prefer a vodka tonic to a gin-n-tonic anyday.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 14, 2004, at 17:16:35
In reply to lovely hussy » zenhussy, posted by karen_kay on July 14, 2004, at 15:48:08
and the GIN.. let's get together and sip martinis in cocktail dresses (which would come off sooner or later of course... WHERE'S GABBI??????)
Oh right here honey!You Zen and I drinking Martini's in cocktail dresses.. listening to Koko Taylor and Sara Vaughn.. I haven't done that in so long.
Well I haven't done it with such exquisite company ever. That would be heavenly,
it's actually painful to even imagine it right now. *SIGH*
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