![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 217 to 241 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by SandyWeb on April 22, 2004, at 12:56:55
In reply to Jlynne and LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 22, 2004, at 9:12:08
Well, that didn't last long.
Depressing news on the phone today.
Soul stabbing news in the mail today.
Cut up my arm just to see the blood.
I feel so defeated.
Well....I'm still here, though. Guess I'll stick around for tomorrow.
Ba humbug.
Sorry I didn't smile for long. Maybe it'll come back later.
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on April 22, 2004, at 16:37:14
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 22, 2004, at 12:56:55
Sandy - At least you know you CAN have moments and hours where you're feeling up. Every up time gives you some added strength & energy to get through the downs. And the downs probably won't last as long this time.
You should be really proud of yourself for getting this far. You will get your smile back, I am sure of it! I know you probably won't want to get too personal, but if there's anything we can help you sort through with your bad news, just holler! 2 or 3 heads are always better than one in dealing with issues :-).
Take care of yourself and the rest will follow. I'm sending you waves of peace and moments of clear-thinking!!!
{{{Sandy}}}}Your friend,
Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Well, that didn't last long.
>
> Depressing news on the phone today.
>
> Soul stabbing news in the mail today.
>
> Cut up my arm just to see the blood.
>
> I feel so defeated.
>
> Well....I'm still here, though. Guess I'll stick around for tomorrow.
>
> Ba humbug.
>
> Sorry I didn't smile for long. Maybe it'll come back later.
>
> Sandy
>
Posted by jlynne on April 22, 2004, at 20:42:43
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 22, 2004, at 12:56:55
Sandy . . . remember the song that goes "Mama said there'd be days like this??" Yep, mama is right:(
I'm so sorry, sweetie. Please try to remember that it was good yesterday . . . and maybe again tomorrow, eh? You're just learning to surf, and no instructions, remember?? Just ride those waves out, darling; you'll rise back up again.
Thank you for sharing, Sandy.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((prayers))))
...jynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 23, 2004, at 8:33:55
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on April 22, 2004, at 16:37:14
Hi girls,
I feel like such a fool. Who'd a thunk that surfing would be so hard?? *smile*
I pulled out my SwissAir mementos today. I put my little "certificates" back up in their frames, brought out my ID badges again, looked through some paperwork. If nothing else, I helped in THAT situation, right? If nothing else, I was of some use to the people in the morgue.
One letter I was sent reads: "We are pleased as members of the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner to send you this commemorative pin honoring your work at the B Hanger mortuary where the human remains were examined, identified, and kept. Many will know from their personal experiences of the work that there was pride but often at a price. We all hope that this will be a keepsake and that as you remember the events, above all else you will be proud of your accomplishment. Thank you for helping us."
And now I get to be a bag-lady. And now I'm not worth diddly. And now I'm just exposed to the world as the fool I am. I guess I don't have much to offer anymore.
I'm sad.
Sandy
Posted by LynneDa on April 23, 2004, at 9:13:40
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 23, 2004, at 8:33:55
Sandy -
We ALL stumble from time to time, and sometimes it takes a while to get back on track. (But I understand feeling like a fool - I've been there and still have feelings of foolishness when I allow myself to have certain expectations and it doesn't work out, stupid, stupid me I think to myself!)This part of your life is NOT the sum total of who you are!! The core of who you are has not changed. Look at what you did. Most people don't do anything like that in their whole lives!
Also, you got the application for the Victim Services volunteer position. I've always wanted to do something like that, but never even checked into it! At least you had the energy to take that first step.
Sandy, there are times in life when you give and times when you have to take. I'm sure you've deposited enough good that the universe can owe you a little if you have to just take for a bit :-). That was/is a really hard thing for me to embrace, as it probably is for most women who are caretakers by nature. You are human, sweetie! It's okay not to have much to offer right now - You're in a re-building stage.
And, you won't be a bag lady! I don't know your whole situation, but you have too much on the ball to end up like that. You have perseverance and strength and you had a day or so where you felt like your old self. You haven't lost her, she's still in there. Life is tough but I think you have proof that you are tougher :-)
Hang in there girlfriend!! Let me know if there's anything specific or concrete I can do for you, okay?
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hi girls,
>
> I feel like such a fool. Who'd a thunk that surfing would be so hard?? *smile*
>
> I pulled out my SwissAir mementos today. I put my little "certificates" back up in their frames, brought out my ID badges again, looked through some paperwork. If nothing else, I helped in THAT situation, right? If nothing else, I was of some use to the people in the morgue.
>
> One letter I was sent reads: "We are pleased as members of the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner to send you this commemorative pin honoring your work at the B Hanger mortuary where the human remains were examined, identified, and kept. Many will know from their personal experiences of the work that there was pride but often at a price. We all hope that this will be a keepsake and that as you remember the events, above all else you will be proud of your accomplishment. Thank you for helping us."
>
> And now I get to be a bag-lady. And now I'm not worth diddly. And now I'm just exposed to the world as the fool I am. I guess I don't have much to offer anymore.
>
> I'm sad.
>
> Sandy
>
>
>
Posted by jlynne on April 24, 2004, at 0:12:07
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on April 23, 2004, at 9:13:40
Hi, Sandy:~) I know it's hard, sweetheart, but I'm glad you are hanging on.
I don't know if you will understand this now, but maybe you will someday . . . and I would never in this world ever again want to go through what you are going through now. But having gone through it once, I have to say that there is something inside me now that wasn't there before, and it is something that I cherish . . . something almost sacred - an inner strength, and an unexplainable knowing . . . I feel blessed. If you search deep inside, even now when you are in the very middle of this terrible trial, you will find that there is a very small seed inside you that is sprouting and beginning to grow. You are experiencing a metamorphosis, Sandy, and one day you will be able to nurture that seed and help it to grow strong. God bless you and nourish you in your struggle.
((((strength)))) ((((peace)))) ((((hugs)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 24, 2004, at 17:05:11
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on April 23, 2004, at 9:13:40
Hi again girls,
Gosh, I don't know how you manage to come up with the words that you do! You're both incredible. I'm so happy to "know" two such wonderful ladies! I could never believe that you both were suicidal before. I'm so proud of you for making it!! We need more people like you in this world....you just seem to know what to say! *smile*
I'm going to take a little trip this coming week. Just an overnight thing, really. I'm going to a hotel and just be ALONE for the day/night. I'm so happy to be doing it. I may even order room service! Ha!! I don't have the money for this, so I'm going to be using our bill money. I know, C-R-A-Z-Y!! Oh well, "crazy is as crazy does". Lol. I'm excited. I even have little butterflies in my tummy! How pathetic, huh? LOL!!
I hope I saw "the boys" before that day. They come back on duty tomorrow for the next 4 days. They said they were going to stop in to see me, but I don't know what day. I really hope it's before I leave. I think they're pretty cool guys, and I want them to know that! They really have gone out of their way for me, and I want them to know how much I appreciate their concern. And I want them to see that I'm okay.
I've been busy cleaning and washing around here today. Nervous energy, I guess. Ha!
Well, I've got some dishes to wash. Talk later!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 24, 2004, at 17:13:54
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 24, 2004, at 0:12:07
Dr. Bob,
All this chatting about the two cops that have been such a blessing to me.....I don't want you to think that I've forgotten about YOU!! Lol!!
I want to thank you for being such a busy-body!! Ha ha! It would have been a pretty poor birthday present to my kids if I had killed myself on that day. I wasn't thinking too clearly about it, and I appreciate that you took it upon yourself to think for me.
Thank you for getting involved. You're a good person! I wish you much happiness!!!!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on April 24, 2004, at 20:07:42
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 24, 2004, at 17:05:11
> I'm going to take a little trip this coming week. Just an overnight thing, really. I'm going to a hotel and just be ALONE for the day/night. . . . I don't have the money for this, so I'm going to be using our bill money.
Sandy . . . are you planning something here?? You're making me nervous, sweetie.
You talked about "using the bill money" before when you were also talking about "hurting yourself". You kind of sound like maybe you are trying to say your "good-byes"??
Please, forgive me if I have misunderstood, and I know I am reading between the lines, but you are very important to me, and I am concerned. Talk to me, darling . . .
((((HUGS)))) ((((friends)))) ((((hope))))
...jlynne
Posted by Simus on April 25, 2004, at 1:53:41
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 24, 2004, at 17:05:11
Sandy,
You haven't mentioned your children in quite a while. How are they doing? Is your daughter still having trouble sleeping? Is she still on meds?
Posted by SandyWeb on April 25, 2004, at 8:19:24
In reply to Sandy - trigger » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 24, 2004, at 20:07:42
Good morning Jlynne,
You're silly. *big hug* Of course I'm not planning something. I just need some time alone. Maybe get drunk, maybe order room service, maybe just sit by a window way up high and look out at the city all day. Just some "alone time", that's all. Besides, there aren't any special "dates" left for April. Lol. Can't do it without a special date! Ha!
As for the bill money....well, it's the only money that I have. And I still haven't appealed Welfare's decision to cut me off, so it may be the last money I'll be seeing for awhile. It just takes too much energy to fill out the paperwork, and THEN I'd still have to meet with my worker to sign the forms. Ugh. It just requires too much of a clear head right now, and I can't do it. Guess we'll be out on the street soon. Ha! But as for the bill money....don't concern yourself with that, hun. I don't have any other funds to play with....there's nothing more to it than that.
As for "hurting myself"....well, that hasn't really stopped yet. I still cut my arm, although the last time was Tuesday, I think. And it's nothing serious.....no stitches or butterflies required. Lol. They are not suicide attempts, either. Believe me, I know where the arteries are....I would know where to cut. This is just something I seem to be doing recently when I feel overwhelmed.....better than killing myself, right? It's really no big deal, so again....don't be concerned about it. It looks worse in writing than on flesh. Lol.
I am fine. I feel like I have "Yo Yo" written across my forehead because of all the ups and downs that I'm experiencing, and I really don't know what to make of that. I just get a taste of stability, and then I go bouncing on down again. Argh! If I were bipolar, I'd say that I was rapid cycling. It's really, really messing with me. I mean, how much of this can a person tolerate in one day?? When you mentioned that I'd have "ups" and "downs", I thought you meant that I'd have days/weeks of feeling either up or down....and then it might slowly change over to the opposite. But did you mean switching back and forth each day??? It's enough to make a person run away from themselves! Lol!
Anyways, my two "angels" are back on duty today. They work the day shift for the next two days, and then they work the night shift for the following two days. If they're not swamped, I'm hoping they'll stop by again like they mentioned. I really want them to walk away with a positive impression of me. All they have seen is "Psycho-Sandra"....and I want them to see me in a stable frame. I want them to understand that what they know of me is really only a recent manifestation.....I wasn't like this for most of my life! Lol. They think I'm a fighter....I want them to feel confident and relieved when they see the spark of fight in me. I don't want them to continue to feel concern for me. I want them to go back to their lives and forget about babysitting me.....that they will be happy that I'm doing better.
Does that make sense? And the same goes for you and LynneDa and Dr. Bob. I've been coming across with this disgusting "victim mentality" that makes my stomache turn. I don't want people's concern. I've relied upon myself for most of my life, and it's rather unbalancing to have people wanting to help me. Why? I'll get there on my own. I always have.
I hope I get to see Andrew and Rob before I go to the hotel. Otherwise, they might go off in their own direction because I've already sent them an email stating that I was doing much better. If we don't connect up this week, I might not see them around again. They've got a job to do, you know? They can't keep taking time out to visit with Psycho-Sandra. That would get pretty boring very quickly. I want them to like me....not to regret their involvement with me. I want them to be happy that they made a difference in my life.
Gosh, I can ramble a lot. *smile* Anyways, don't worry Jlynne. No special dates this month. And I certainly wouldn't want to spend a "special date" in the hospital! Lol! They'd never let me out this time. I'd have to devise a "prison break" with my two angels!! LOL!!!
You're a special person, Jlynne. You had the energy to stick with me this past month or so. I would have thrown up my arms in resignation a long time ago if I had been in your place. You have a tremendous amount of patience and acceptance. As I said before, your clients are blessed to have you on their side. I am sure they are quite aware of that, because how can a heart as large as yours be hidden? Thanks for looking out for me!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 25, 2004, at 8:29:38
In reply to Re: Jlynne and LynneDa » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on April 25, 2004, at 1:53:41
Hi Simus,
I'm so happy to hear from you! I know that you were having a difficult time when everything occured with Dr. Bob and me, but I think you've realized that this board and his actions really were not a bad thing. *smile* I'm glad that you are posting again. Sometimes just putting things in words makes a huge difference....and it's always nice to know that you have a group of people who like you and are willing to support you. It allows for an opportunity to support in return...when you reach the point of being strong enough to do that. I'm so happy that my experience didn't make you run away permanently from the board. Hey, if it hadn't been for you....I wouldn't even be typing this now!! You made a difference, hun. Don't ever think that you cause more trouble than good. Lol. Thanks for inviting me over to "Social". *big hug*
You asked about the kids. They are doing fine....other than wanting more than I can provide! Lol! Carly is still having difficulties with her sleeping, but she's doing a little better. She stopped taking the sleeping pills because they didn't really work for her, plus they left a bad taste in her mouth all the next day. So now they're mine!! Ha ha!! She has a nightlight in her room. Sometimes she will pull her mattress out and sleep beside my bed. I haven't heard back from her doctor about getting her a therapist, but she may be going to conquer this by herself. She's going to be just fine.
Well, I must get cleaned up for the day. Take care of yourself!! You mean a lot.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on April 25, 2004, at 14:45:54
In reply to Re: Sandy - trigger » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 25, 2004, at 8:19:24
>> When you mentioned that I'd have "ups" and "downs", I thought you meant that I'd have days/weeks of feeling either up or down....and then it might slowly change over to the opposite. But did you mean switching back and forth each day???>
>Actually, Sandy . . . I meant from one 15 minutes to the next in the beginning; you have to WORK UP to lasting a whole day!! If you have made it that far, you can relax, cuz . . . next comes a whole day plus 15 minutes:~)LOL If you look back you will see that your posts used to fluctuate up and down in a single day, and that is only what you shared with us . . . i'm sure you had more than what you shared (you didn't want us to think you were *weird*, after all)lol.
As for your reassurance to me in your last post, I hope you really do get away and find some solace, but if you don't mind . . . I will still keep asking the tough questions, okay? (actually, i will ask even if you don't say okay:~)
It would make me feel a whole lot better if you will let us know when you leave, and for sure let us know the minute you get back (we all have these control issues here, see, and it drives us nuts when we are left out of the loop:~) Plus, you have to know that we have all seen the movie "Scent of a Woman", and you have to know that it came to mind when we read your post yesterday. . . Only, you are planning on going alone, and there would be no Chris O'Donnell to rescue you - there's only you to rescue you, sweetie. So, I'm counting on you to bring you back to us, okay?
I hope you get to see your *angels* today:~)
((((HUGS)))) ((((angels)))) ((((growth)))) ((((solace))))
...jlynne
Posted by Simus on April 25, 2004, at 15:47:31
In reply to Re: » Simus, posted by SandyWeb on April 25, 2004, at 8:29:38
Hi Sandy,
I am a new person now! Very recently I came out of four of the worst months of my life (and I have had some bad times in my life). When I was encouraging you, it was because I was feeling the exact same things you were describing. I knew the hopelessness, self-condemnation, etc, because I was living it at the time. (I did end up losing my job after going on sick leave, but I still have hope for the future.) I really thought we could talk openly here, with no fear of intervention. So when the police started knocking on your door, I was scouring my memory and my past posts to see if I wrote anything that would cause a knock at my door too.
A HUGE factor in my success to "hang in there" until I saw relief was my church family, which was why I was encouraging you to find a church. The message board is great, but there is nothing like a hug in person, and seeing a smile, and hearing a voice tell you that you are going to make it. I was just wondering if you considered visiting the church I told you about. I heard it was very good. You could make friends there, and get a hug when you needed one and have a shoulder to cry on. And your kids could develop Christian friendships too. I'm sure if you called them, they would be glad to find you a ride to church. Let me put it like this...what have you got to lose? They could possibly even help you get your dreams back. (Mine are back - after I thought all was lost.) It's your choice, of course, but this battle is soooo hard to go through alone.
God bless.
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 25, 2004, at 16:02:41
In reply to Dr. Bob, posted by SandyWeb on April 24, 2004, at 17:13:54
> All this chatting about the two cops that have been such a blessing to me.....I don't want you to think that I've forgotten about YOU!! Lol!!
Thanks! Hey, can you do me a favor and let them know about this upcoming trip?
Bob
Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:00:43
In reply to Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 25, 2004, at 14:45:54
Hi Jlynne,
So....am I to take it that you are comparing me to Al Pacino? But.....I don't like women that way! And I always thought that I had a much finer body than Al's!! Hee hee!!
Actually, I had forgotten that Al Pacino's character in the movie had been suicidal. It didn't click at first why you were talking about that movie. Duh! It was a good movie.
"I hope you get to see your *angels* today:~)"
No, Andrew and Rob didn't show up yesterday. I didn't really expect them to. It was the first day back after 4 days off, so I'm sure they were adjusting to the schedule again. Besides, I had pretty much "cut them loose" the last time we got together. They didn't think that was a good idea, but it was my decision to make. They did not become cops to babysit some psycho woman. As the BAD cop said to me, I'm tying up emergency services. I absolutely appreciate their concern and taking the time to visit, but I'm just scared that they may think they've gotten themselves trapped in some sort of predicament by befriending me. So I sent them a "thank you" email after our visit last week. They are good guys. I hope that maybe they walked away from our little "adventure" with some sort of better understanding of mental crises, and that they will be able to apply that to another person one day. I wish them all the best! They did nothing wrong.
Enjoy your day, hun!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:13:52
In reply to Re: » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on April 25, 2004, at 15:47:31
Hi Simus,
I'm thrilled that you've found yourself again!!! I don't think I knew that you had been going through something similar to me. What a relief that you made it out to the other side, huh? *big hug*
I don't think that Dr. Bob makes a habit of calling the police on people. *smile* Really, I don't know why he chose to do so with me. I can't really remember everything that I was telling you guys, and I honestly don't want to go back and read all those emails again. I'd rather "amnesia" them. *smile* All I remember is that I was hurting pretty badly...but I don't want to dwell on that. Obviously I mentioned something that concerned him, but I'm not sure what it was. And I don't want to remember, either.
As for the church, I'm afraid that it's a little out of the way. It's on the other side of the harbour, in another city. It's also located within that city in a very inconvinent spot. Too much time and money (with the bridge) to go over there. But I appreciate the thought.
I also don't seem to talk with God anymore. I've stopped wearing my cross necklace. I don't look at the Bible. I don't even really give God a passing "hi there". *smile* I guess I've disconnected myself from Him....just like I have from my sister, my folks, and now even my two cop angels. I am an island! HA!! It's just better for everyone if I go it alone. And I know that God is sad for me, and I just don't want to acknowledge that. So I build a wall around me, and I'm not letting anyone in now. *smile*
Besides, I can always come to this board when I'm bouncing from emotion to emotion. I don't mind sharing some with you guys. You GET it, so I don't need to pretend as much. Still, I'd rather do it alone.I'm so pleased that you are back on track again. God has a plan for you, and His plans are for good.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:25:04
In reply to Re: favor, posted by Dr. Bob on April 25, 2004, at 16:02:41
Dr. Bob,
I'm not quite sure why you would want me to tell Andrew and Rob about my upcoming trip. They would say, "And you're telling us this because.....?" There is no need to tell them. What would they care if I'm going away for the night? And there's no need to make them think otherwise.
I am fine. I just want to take a little break from life. Lol. I'm looking forward to it. And I don't have a gun, like in "Scent of a Woman". Hee! Just because I mentioned a hotel room and room service doesn't mean that I have the same intentions as that movie. I just need to get away from everyone....I don't want to have to think about anyone right now.
I appreciate the concern. Really I do. I don't think you intervene in your posters' lives very often....as least not to the extent that you have with mine......and I really am touched that you wanted to help. You did a wonderful thing, Dr. Bob. You didn't turn a blind eye, but rather you jumped right in and grabbed me. Lol!
But now you can let go.
I'm fine. I'll be fine. You can look away now because there's no need to "rescue" me. *smile* Besides, you don't look much like Chris O'Donnell from "Scent of a Woman" anyways! Actually, you're much cuter! *big hug*
Be proud of this board, Dr. Bob.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 21:46:45
In reply to Re: favor » Dr. Bob, posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 9:25:04
Hey all,
I don't think it's such a good idea for me to post on this board anymore. I seriously meant that everything was okay when I said so, but still the cops showed up at my house....again.
I had 2 cop cars here this time, and even my two cop "angels" pulled out of another call just so they could come to me. That's just WRONG. I told you I was fine.
A lady cop took me to the hospital this time. The guys told her to treat me good, and I'm relieved to say that she did. She was wonderful. Hey, I was the first person she allowed to ride up in front with her! I thought she was pretty decent.
But...you guys....don't judge every statement I make based on my past history. I truly was NOT going to do anything. I was humiliated when they showed up, and demoralized when my two cop "friends" left their other call to get over to me. Just when I was trying to show a bit of stability, and all of a sudden the calvary shows up. I tried to explain that it was an over-reaction, but nobody would listen to me. *sigh*
Anyways, the hospital let me go after a few hours. There was no reason to keep me. They read the emails, they listened to what I had to say....and they saw no reason for my being there. I felt so bad that this poor lady had to stay OVER her 12-hour shift just to babysit me. She needed to go home, be with her hubby, get some rest....she did NOT need to be sitting around with me, waiting to see one doctor after another. I felt as big as an ant, making her have to stay so long.
Anyways.....
I think it's best that I not post anymore. I understand the concern....and believe me....it's so nice to have someone be concerned for me rather than not. BUT....I can't have this keep happening. I can't have my messages misread just because of past history. My gosh, the guys didn't even smile at me this time.....they had such CONCERNED looks on their faces. And there was no need of that! It was so bad to put them through that. They don't need that type of worry. Their job is hard enough without thinking someone they "like" is about to kill herself. Jeesh. I still feel demoralized over it, and I will for some time.
I know, Dr. Bob, that you were doing what you thought was in my best interest. I understand that. I appreciate that. And you may have thought that I was following some type of "pattern"....that it appeared that I was going to harm myself again. And I guess that is where the internet is a problem in terms of getting to know your "patient". You see only bits and pieces....you don't see the full "me". You don't know what progresses I've made....how strong I've been at times. I tend to post when I'm feeling down....and that's why this is called a "support" board. But you don't see the struggling that I'm going through, and the successes that I'm having. I just come here when I'm having a bad 15-minutes. And that's basically what you see.
But....really.....I'm soooooo much better than I was at the first of the month. It was a 99% reality that I would have killed myself near my birthday......but that was 3 weeks ago! As you have to know, suicide attempts are based on timing. That "time period" has passed by.....and even though I'm CERTAINLY not all happy and healthy now.....I'm NOT in crisis anymore. I may still hurt myself.....I may still cry a lot.....I may still shut myself off from others....I may still have a worthless, hopeless feeling about myself.....but I'm NOT suicidal right now. I'm just trying to come to terms with my position right now.
I'm not mad at anyone over this. I'm actually quite overwhelmed that people would care so much for a complete stranger. That says a lot for our human existence, doesn't it? I honestly don't think I've EVER had so many people extending a helping hand to me. It's almost surreal....why would people do that for ME, you know?
But I have to ask that you PLEASE stop and think before calling the police. This is not a face-to-face relationship. You do NOT know what I'm having success with. You do NOT know any battles that I'm actually overcoming. All you see are the "down" times.....because this is a SUPPORT board....for that purpose.
I'm very divided as to what to do here. On one side, I can NOT have the police come here again for unfounded reasons. My heart dropped to my very toes when I heard that familiar knock on my door today. I had already told you that the hotel visit was nothing more than a "time alone" period.....nothing more. I do NOT want to jeporadize my relationship with the police......because what if I truly DO need and want them at some point? What if I actually find myself in need of assistance right away? They will have been here so often that they won't believe me that time.....and that'll be the time that I die because of that.
On the other hand.....this board is the only outlet that I have. I do NOT have anyone to talk with....I do NOT have anywhere else to turn. There is a certain sense of security from the anomynity of posting on the board (no one other than Dr. Bob knows who I am). I can say things here that other people will understand simply because they GET it. And that beats out "book-learned" people any day. Soooo....without the board to turn to....I'm not really sure where to go with my busy little fingers.
Is there maybe some sort of "contract" that we can make? That no one will call the police unless I specifically say I'm thinking of harming myself.....or that I feel unsafe....or something along those lines? I just can't have wrong judgements made against me again. And yet, I'm scared to leave the board.
I don't know. It's just that no one would take "no" from me today.....and truly.....nothing was wrong today. And I don't like making these people worry for no reason.
What should we do?
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42
In reply to Ummmm......, posted by SandyWeb on April 26, 2004, at 21:46:45
Sandy, I'm so sorry you have had to keep going through all of this. I am not sure why Dr. Bob notified the authorities this time, but he is the professional here, and he must have seen something in your posts that concerned him. He is a good guy to have on your side, but I don't have to tell you that:~)
I am glad that you are doing better, sweetie, and I hope we can figure out some way for this board to work for you. I think when everyone sees you doing things like going away by yourself and then actually coming back again, we will be less anxious about it.
Those of us who have been to the edge know only too well what a fragile line there can be between choosing to live and choosing to die. For some of us, the choice of life was made for us by someone else several times before we finally made that choice for ourselves. And for others of us, we faced those choices alone (perhaps several times) and are not really sure what brought us back. Please, understand if we tend to draw from our own experiences as we watch your story unfold.
You are right, that it is different over the internet than it would be if we were face to face, as we are not able to look into each other's eyes and find the reassurance we are looking for. But I hope you will stay with us and continue to share. You have a wonderful sense of humor, and I would love to hear more about your children and your day-to-day life {I know absolutely NOTHING about Nova Scotia}.
I know you mentioned once where you lived before, but I can't remember, was it Seattle?? California?? I live in the Pacific NW, myself. I got to see three woodpeckers, two white butterflies (a couple, i assume:) and a gray squirrel in my back yard all at the same time this morning . . . my yard was alive! And my cat, Rosie, was watching out the back window - it was my warm-fuzzy for the day:~)
I hope we can find a way for you to stay here, Sandy . . .
((((HUGS)))) ((((smiles)))) ((((friends)))) ((((warm fuzzies))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 0:42:19
In reply to Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42
Hi Jlynne,
Thanks for the message. I just happened to get back out of bed because I couldn't sleep.
This is my 15-minutes for the time:
1. We were hit dead-on by a horrible hurricane this year. A paramedic dies when a tree falls on his ambulance. The cop I sat with today tells me she was his wife. All I wanted to do was sit there and hold her hand.....but the place was so busy. I knew she wasn't as strong as she pretended to be.
2. From my job in a "previous life", I heard a cop get shot. He had a vest on, but he was till hit pretty much point blank in the chest. Three screams.....the last two were the worst....but he survived, even though his heart stopped twice on the way to the hospital. It didn't penetrate the vest, but it was too close to not bruise the chest. You know? He separated from his partner....didn't know there was a second bad guy....and was taken by surprise. And I can't seem to ge tthose screams out of my head tonight....actually the last couple of nights....but he survived. Not quite the same mentally, but he survived. I can still hear him screaming.....not like in the movies.....and only three screams....but you've never heard anything like that. And you just can't do anything to help him. And I can't imagine what his partner must have been experiencing.
Soooo.....my 15-minutes in bed tonight. Just memories and thoughts......nothing more. Just going through what I have to go through.
Back to bed. Night.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 1:24:48
In reply to Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42
15-minutes #2
Still can't sleep.
I can't stop shaking. I feel like I'm freezing. I'm just shaking and shaking.
Whoever is reading this....do NOT call the police. Only when I need them will I want them!
I'm just thinking about that woman I sat with today. We were all so devastated by the death of the paramedic, sitting in his ambulance during the hurricane, and then a tree falls on him and crushes him. Trees were falling EVERYWHERE!!!! The city was basically destroyed.....the whole province was in a state of emergency afterwards. We didn't have electricty, roads, etc. for days and days.
And he dies while out in that wild weather.
And then his wife has to sit in a hospital with someone who is thinking of taking her own life.
And I wasn't even suicidal at the time.
And yet she takes on this "case" of someone wanting to die when she has just lost her husband, who DIDN'T want to die.
That just makes me shake.
She shouldn't have been with me.
I was not the right person to be with her.
This whole thing has made me feel worse.
REMEMBER: I'M ONLY TALKING!!!!!!!!!! DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, I'm freezing. I'm hoping back in bed. I just felt so bad that I wanted to get up and share. Aren't I nice? *smile*
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:03:18
In reply to Re: Ummmm...... » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 26, 2004, at 23:59:42
Maybe this is Dr. Bob's way of getting me to leave the board. Maybe if he send the cops enough times, I'll just disappear for fear of having those visits.
And I notice that no one is posting to me anymore.
I get it. Finally.
I didn't mean to cause any type of tension on the boards. I had no idea this whole "adventure" was about to happen to me.
I'm not looking for attention. I'm not looking to be "rescued". I'm not playing games with people's heads. I'm not enjoying causing people to feel discomfort.
I get the obvious hint. Sorry you felt backed up against a wall, Dr. Bob. I never meant to bring any type of conflict to the boards.
Regardless, I can't really chat here anymore. I could never be truthful. I could never mention what's really on my mind because I might hear that all-too-familiar knocking on my door again. Enough is enough of that. They're going to start getting MAD at me soon.
So, you win and I'll leave the board. Thanks for the help when I needed it. I do appreciate that.
I wish you guys all the best!! Maybe I'll pop in from time to time just to say "hi". But I'm not sure if Dr. Bob would even want that. I don't blame him. I caused quite a stir, didn't I?
It's been fun. *smile*
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on April 27, 2004, at 12:15:11
In reply to Just Thinking, posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:03:18
Sandy, what has happened?? I don't understand.
I am still here. No one has been posting on the other thread, either - it's just their time of the month, sweetie.
What has happened?
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 27, 2004, at 12:29:44
In reply to Re: Just Thinking » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 27, 2004, at 12:15:11
I didn't mean to upset you. Just being stupid again, I guess.
But I can't post here anymore. I'm just so on edge that someone will be knocking on my door. I'm too tense. I'm just freaked out, and I just don't know what will trigger Dr. Bob to send them yet again! I mean, are they coming again today? Are they already on their way? Can I expect to be roused out of bed tonight? What about tomorrow??
I just am freaked.
Take care.
Sandy
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